Need Advice Terribly sad.....son in College

If its bothering you that much then ask him about it. Its not like you went through his phone or computer. It pinged and you investigated because you had possession of his phone.

Also let him know that building a relationship with a woman should be based on truth. If he tells these stories that aren't true then at some point he'll screw up and forget his lie which will lead to big issues.

I think that boys often tend to exaggerate when they first taste independence. We once overheard our son telling a girl about his snowboarding expertise, how he loved snowboarding and would teach her someday. Then he laughed and said something like "of course, that means I'll have to stay off the expert course that day so you can learn on the safe slope." My husband almost choked - our son had gone snowboarding for the first time ever just the week before, with equipment he rented for a couple of hours, and ended up quite sore and bruised from falling so much.

We chalked it up to immaturity, and the inevitable self-doubt that happens to nearly every person in that late teens/early 20s period. Other than this inflated story, our son was not in trouble, was getting good grades, and was generally reliable. It's so easy to brag, to make yourself feel a little better about yourself, when in reality you know you're dealing with acne, so many new feelings, so many new events, and so many adult decisions that have to be made.

At that age, kids think that having a crush means you have to impress with "stuff", with "really cool" experiences, with victories or traumas that never actually happened. And sure, they may get some attention.

But eventually, they figure out that the girl of their dreams or the guy they have a crush on can be pretty shallow, and only was interested because of the lies they made up. We were so disappointed in our son's first girlfriend. She was extremely attractive and stylish, but wow, she was severely lacking in the personality department, and was only interested in nail polish apparently. She couldn't put a coherent thought together. Our son thought she was the sun and the moon. Thankfully, soon enough he came home and said he had broken up with her. He told us there were only so many conversations that could be held that involved nail polish colors. We were so relieved. Oh, and she was the girl who bought his fake "expert snowboard" story. Apparently it never occurred to her that for such an aspiring Olympic snowboarder, he didn't actually own a snowboard.

So I'd let this go, if your son is generally truthful Of course, if he lies to teachers and you find out he's not actually attending classes, and is stealing from friends, you have a larger problem on your hands. But if he's generally a good kid, this is probably normal (but not acceptable) teen bragging for some girl's sympathy or admiration. Get rid of that phone. If a logical opportunity arises, try telling your son about the qualities that are worth developing (trustworthiness, reliability, etc). Don't mention the phone or texts.

Well, it seems you've found out something about his character (or lack thereof) that you didn't know before.
In your place, I'm not sure I'd tell him that I read the message - but it would certainly color everything I'd hear from him in the future.
I'd have to think it over - cause this is hard - it's a shock to find out that you're being defamed by someone you raised and love.
I might tell him after all, that I've seen the message, I don't appreciate being made to look like a bad person - I don't care what the reason - and I've lost a whole lot of respect for him and he's going to have to earn it back.
I think you need to get over being sad and start getting mad.
If he's bad mouthing you to everyone he knows - I'm not sure I'd WANT to talk to him for quite awhile.

Additional:
I think you are too attached emotionally to him.
He shouldn't be bad mouthing you - there's no excuse for that.
At the same time - he's trying to get some space from you - young adults need to forge their own adult identity - they need separation from parents to become themselves.
Give him some space.
Don't call/text him - let him come to you.
When he does contact you - don't be all "what's up with you?" all the time - they feel like they are getting the 3rd degree - tell him about what you are up to.
If you want someone to have interest in you - you need to be interesting - so get a hobby/join a club.
He'll always be your baby - but he doesn't want you to see him like that.

If you are crying all the time, welling up with tears, sad all the time - it's time you see a doctor about that.
I don't know if you are depressed or not but you need some help - and I think your son will be glad when you get some.
Good luck - and find some joy!
Just don't expect to obtain it from your son.

Oh man. I don't know. On the one hand, I agree that it is likely just trying to be approachable or empathetic or sympathetic for/to a girl. On the other hand, saying your husband is verbally abusive is a serious thing. AND, if he has any real anticipation or thoughts that this girl he was talking to might be in the long-term picture, he should really be careful how he portrays you and his home life to the mother of his future children.

That said, he seems quite immature, that he gave you the phone to sell (lazy, immature, irresponsible?), didn't deactivate it OR clear it of his personal information (lazy, immature, naive, irresponsible) AND is or has moved out on his own and still asked you to do this for him. Additionally, no one seems to notice where I thought the main thrust of your post was headed... he has a crush on and is trying to chat up the female half of a 4 year couple that HE IS MOVING IN WITH. That's a major character issue. Someone should discuss that with him. It's a good way to screw up some relationships, friendships included, and to find himself with no place to live (gets kicked out) or responsible for a much higher rent bill (if one of THEM moves out). Not smart at all. Playing with fire, and jumping into the coals with both feet. Sheesh.

It sounds like he may have some underlying mental health issues. If he is otherwise functioning well, I would NOT tell him I read his texts. I would stop reading his messages and just leave it alone. Just keep an eye out for any changes or signs that he is struggling. At some point, his telling lies for attention will catch up with him and he'll experience his own natural consequences. He may be trying for attention or sympathy, but that kind of extreme communication, especially in a text, is going to drive people further away. I totally get that you are sad about it, but I think confronting him would just bring more distress for the both of you. Hard as it is, I would try not to take this personally it's really about him and not you or his dad. Of course if you ever come in contact with the girl, you can be very nice to everyone around you, and it will be pretty hard to for her to believe you could really have said or did the things you son shared in his tex.

If you have a good relationship - I wouldn't get too hung up on this. Perhaps the girl confided in him and he was trying to relate .. who knows.

I personally would let it go. You know the truth and so does he.

ETA: Read down and like Diane's advice. If the opportunity presents itself, you could say that you've read the message(s) and that you have concerns over him feeling the need to lie, etc.

Do you generally have a good relationship with your son? Then don't worry about it. It's normal for kids to gripe about their parents to their friends sometimes.

I know my kids have griped about me sometimes to their friends, and I have also griped about my kids to my friends on occasion, even though I have a good relationship with them. It doesn't mean we don't love each other.

M., of course, I don't know you or how much you do for your son on a regular basis, but I thnk it might be worth it for you to start thinking of your son in a different way after what happened here.

Perhaps you do too much for him. Perhaps you give him too much money, make things too easy for him, coddle him too much. Like selling the phone for him.

I doubt that you have been expecting for him to act like a man up until now. Do you call him a lot? Does he only call you when he wants something? Do you drop what you're doing to help when he asks?

Real life doesn't work that way. Real life has expectations, and sometimes harsh ones. If you are taking care of him so that he doesn't see these difficulties, he won't "grow up". And he definitely needs to grow up.

I would step back from him at this point and let him miss you some. I wouldn't give, give, give anymore. And I would tell him that he will need to make sure that he has a job when he finishes college and a place to live because he will not be coming home to live with you. When he asks why, tell him that the best way to learn to be a man is to be on his own. Say it without apology and tell him that you know he will be successful if he puts his mind to it. And then go about your business.

Right now your son is acting very spoiled. Whether you've actually fostered this or not, I don't know, but now is the time to fix this by not continuing to enable his lazy and poor behavior. Just because you aren't going to tell him you know how he has been talking about you doesn't mean you don't change the way you deal with him. And really, you are doing him the biggest favor for his future, mom. He has to grow up. If you don't make him grow up, he will act immature about his jobs and disrespect his bosses, and lose jobs and opportunities. You need to say no and make him "work" (not selling phones for him, not solving his problems, etc) so that when he has a real job, he will take his responsibilities seriously and not get fired.

If you do meet the girlfriend, be warm and caring towards her. If he throws barbs, ignore them. If the girl is smart, she will realize that the way he treats his mother is an indication of how he will treat his WIFE, and she won't put up with it. Where girlfriends are concerned, it is always a smart course of action to be kind and caring, and then keep your nose out of their business. Never say anything negative about the girlfriend. It won't do any good to do that, AND he'll just go tell her what you said and probably put a bad spin on it. And if she ends up marrying your son in the future, she will always remember what you said...

This would be very hard on me to read. You are a strong woman for keeping quiet.

My son is not that age yet.