Need Advise About Extended Family

I found some people are just opinated! I also have people around me giving me advice that I didn't ask for. Just smile and remember they don't live with you and they mean well. Their excited to have a new grandbaby. Just remember they love her:)

Listen graciously, smile sweetly and thank them profoundly for their advice. Tell them you'll try it, and thank them again then do whatever you please!!!

No, I don't think you are being a baby at all. Being a first time parent is so hard because we want so much to do everything right. I can totally relate to you and don't think you are being ungrateful at all. There were a couple of instances when one parent suggested something and I had finally had and said, "thanks, but we're okay with doing it this way." I know it is SO hard to hear all of the input and then not feel like they are walking all over you. Hang in there, it will get easier to deal with as the baby grows. I am taking many mental notes for myself to remember if/when I ever become a grandparent. I wish I had better advice, but I pretty much have gotten to a point where I just pick and choose my battles in the parental suggestion area.

Hang in there.

Dear C.,
Congradulations on your new baby girl. I know you love your baby with all your being. Sweetheart, you are tired and emotional, you just had a baby. It is normal and it will pass.
YOu recognize that they love your daughter and you. They want to be helpful. As wise woman told me I would get tons of advise and just learn to smile and say thank you. Then you and your husband do what you feel is best. It will pass. They really don't think that you don't know what you are doing, they just want to be involved. It sounds like you know that, but those old hormones make it hard to feel it. A month from now you will laugh about this.
blessings.

Maybe your baby is just responding to your anxiety. In any case, it sounds as if you need some extended family free time. It's time to say, "Thanks so much for your help, but we would like some time to bond with the baby, so we won't be as social as usual. Give us about 6 months (or whatever amount of time you determine)."

If that is not comfortable to you, here are some other one liners, "Thanks for offering, but her father and I would like to be the ones to comfort her."

or

"Oh, I didn't realize the noise was bothering you, let me take her into the other room."

or

"It is okay if she cries a bit while she is learning how to self-soothe."

My husband's idea, "You've had a chance to screw up your child, let me have a chance at my own." Just kidding about actually saying it, but wouldn't you like to?

I digress...

Another idea would be to consider a sling--it will put a small barrier between the child and any reaching hands.

I think as mothers and parents, we all go through this sensitivity. We don't need anyone questioning what we are doing with our children, because we are already questioning ourselves enough.

Good Luck momma & take care.

Have a talk with them and let them know what you are feeling before you start to resent them and their suggestion. Let them know that there advice is greatly appreciated but would be much more appreciated if given when requested. And tell them that it hurts your feelings, don't point fingers just put it all on the table and make sure at the end you let them know you love them and love all the help they have given but that at this time you and the baby need bonding time that does not contain so much interferance. I did this with my mother in law and it made our bond that much stronger and when things got crazy and I didn't know what to do I would call her and ask for help and she came over in a heart beat and repected me for speaking up.

C.
No, you are not blowing this out of proportion! If you do not speak up about their behavior it will drive you nuts. You can say it in a kind way but let them know that you will ask for advise when you need it. I would also put some distance between them and you. Telling you that you are hormonal is totally sexist and uncalled for. They should be supporting you in your decisions not trying to correct you.

Best, Jen

Definitely and absolutely state your feelings clearly and respectfully and then put up strong clear boundaries. They had their chance to parent, now it's YOUR turn! They should definitely back off and appreciate the times that you do want them to spend time with the baby, but you and your husband are NUMBER 1 and should be the primary caretakers in all situations, not have grandma take the baby right out of your arms as if they can soothe the baby better! Good luck, been there done that, don't be afraid to draw the line, and that assertive personality is what you want to role model for your children.

The first thing is, yes you are still hormonal. But that doesn't mean you're wrong about how to care for your baby. No, we no longer let babies sleep on their stomachs. Let them know you're a bit sensitive and they need to back up a little bit. Tell the, "I love you, I appreciate you, but you've GOT to respect me as a mother. Especially right now when I am more sensitive." My grandmother wanted me to put cereal in my daughter's bottle from 2 weeks... NO Grandma, we don't do that anymore. She'd make comments like, "Well I don't know how mine survived." I just let it slide. You'll get it, don't worry. It just takes time. And EVERYone has parenting advice. Let it go in one ear and out the other unless it sounds good to you. Good luck and enjoy that darling baby! C.

C.,

I totally relate to you! The way I ended up dealing with it is when they give you advice say" I appreciate what you are saying and we have decided to do______this way" (DON'T EXPLAIN-just say it plainly). I too had them taking the baby from me-- you want to just jump all over them and take them back-so when they tried, I firmly stated No thank you and didn't let him go. I am going to hold my baby right now. It took a little time to adjust, but they got it eventually. I think it is hard for new grandparents to remember sometimes that YOU are this child's parent and they have a different role. Its all about balance- pick your battles and stay firm on your boundaries. Whether you are hormonal or not is not the issue-its your child and you decide-thats it! Good luck and talk to your husband about it-get his support and let him talk with his parents and you talk to yours if you feel its needed. Otherwise, just let them know as you go along.

Take care,

Molly

you listen to the advice and then you do whate you think is best.
dont turn your back on 35 year old knowlage,these grands raised you and your husband on it and how did you turn out?just rember comon sense never gets old

My first thought in reading your passage was, "Do they live with you?" That makes it even more difficult.

If they visit, schedule the visit time at your convenience. You handle your folks and he handles his.

Kind, clear boundaries is the way to go. Saying things like, "That is an interesting ______, but we decided to ______." That works. Sure, you'll get the, "But...." Just smile, nod, and move on.

My mom lives with us and OFTEN forgets she is not the mother. I get annoyed, frustrated, and just peeved. If she cooks the meal, she thinks she in charge of what my daughter is expected to eat. I politely tell her, "I've got it covered." When she doesn't back off, I remind her that I'm the mother and she had her turn. It's tough, but I know she is there if I need her.

Hi C.
No you are not being ungrateful. I went through something similar and caused a big scene with my in-laws for similar reasons. It was actually 5 weeks after my daughter was born. I think a lot of it is hormones, being tired, being a new mom and feeling overwhelmed. Be gentle to yourself and try not to let them upset you. Focus on you and your beautiful baby. With time this will pass. My daughter is now 7 months and things are much better now and they stopped telling me how to do things. I think the same will happen for you once they see you doing a great job.
Good luck and congratulations on your daughter.
- C.

It's not just hormones (but I'm sure they don't help!), and you have every right to feel stepped on. You need to speak up quickly and firmly before you blow your top. If you've never tried 'I statements' this is your chance. "Mother-in-law, I feel-- when you--. In the future I wish you would--'. A good example would be 'I feel frustrated when you try to take the baby from me. In the future I wish you would ask.' As for unsolicited advice, just respond, 'That's interesting.' Unless, of course, they try to enforce their advice on your baby, in which case, 'Don't do that!' may be in order. Most important-- is your husband backing you up or does he feel in the mdidle? As a marriage therapist, I would say being a 'unit' in the first year of your baby's life is the most important thing for you and your husband. Even over sleep, if you can believe that!
Good luck!

Hi C., Congratulations on your baby girl. I remember feeling the same things that you are feeling when I had my triplet daughters almost 9 yrs ago. It passed in time. One suggestion we were given was to make this an opportunity to run errands (groceries-post office-hair cut-nails) or go out to dinner. Getting out for a while will help give you some space and the grandparents can have some intimate bonding time with their granddaughter. Remember the Grandparents only love the baby and just want to be close to her. Hang in there. God Bless you & your family. T. T

Hi C.,

It is ok to set limits. I spoke with my husband and we both set limits on his father, infact we let him know not to visit for the first few months. With two sets of parents right there with you it is much harder.

How does your husband feel? It may be easier if you present a unified front. I would let both sets of parents know you think they were (and are) great parents and did a fine job making the best choices they could with the information they had available. Now it is your turn to make the best choices you can with the current information available.

A discussion regarding how they wish to be involved and how much time they wish to spend; also what you would find most useful and appropriate and that it is important for you to have solo parenting time and family (just the three of you) time; may open up some understanding for everyone and help you find an agreement on how to proceed.

Even after an agreement is reached don't be surprised if some gentle reminders are needed about the boundaries.

It does not sound at all like you are over reacting - I am likely to have fired them all within a week. Even if your hormones are contributing (and some of those hormones that make you want to respond to your daughter and keep her close are there for very good biological reasons) then a better understanding of this and working with you not against you would be useful.

Hang in there.
K.

Hi C.,
I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been there and its not easy. I can tell you after 7 years and two kids, it gets a lot better. I know it doesn't feel like it, but everything they do is out of love for you and your baby. There is never going to be any doubt who is her mother. You are the one who will be waking up throughout the night over the next year (but hopefully less :)). The relatives want some time to connect with the baby and I find its easiest for them to do it when you are not there. Sounds crazy, I know, but try it. Ask you parents to come over so you can take a walk for an hour. (Or go grocery shopping or get a pedicure). If its a family function at your house, don't get ready ahead of time. After they've arrived, ask if someone will hold the baby while you shower and get ready. They will LOVE this, it will give them some bonding time, and it will give you a little break from their antics.
Good luck! Hang in there!
E.

It is nmot just hormones. You and your husband have to tell them the next time that they do it that although you appreciate their help and love for your family that it is better served when asked for. Tell them they have raised their children and done a fine job but now this is your opportunity to do it. If it is easier to write it in a letter then do it that way to be less confrontational. Tell them you feel like they are cutting you down as a parent and that God will direct you as to how to be a mommy. I tell moms that you shouldn't feel like you are doing something wrong cause the baby is new at being a baby and doesn't know what the right or wrong way is. If you don't settle this now they will be the ones your child will run to when they are older to undercut you.

Hi C.,

The easiest way for people to hear things they may take as a negative is to say something positive before and after. Here is an example, I really appreciate your great advice. My doctor recommends laying her down this way because(?). I know you love her and want the best for her just like I do.

Have you talked to your husband about how you are feeling? If not, tell him how you are feeling. You can talk to your own parents about things but you really want your husbands support when you talk to his parents. He has had a longer relationship with them and will know better how to deal with them and their feelings. When you are ready to talk to your parents make sure you start your sentences with I feel .....cut down when you....you don't trust me with my child. I believe they really are just trying to help because they have done this before. Sometimes people don't realize how their words and actions can be interpreted.

The other thing I would recommend is to journal before you talk to them. I find that it usually takes a page or two before my real feelings come out and then everything will make more sense. Just write and let your anger and frustration come out on the pages.

A great book I share with everyone who has boundary issues is Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. This book changed my life. I now know what is my responsibility and what isn't. You really need to talk to your parents and let them know how you are feeling. Set some boundaries with them. They will respect you more and you won't feel stepped on.

As for the advice, have you thought about getting a current baby book you could share with them or leave it out where you can refer to it.

Good luck!!!

L.

I know exactly how you feel, when my son was born my in-laws (not my parents, they were treating me like the baby!)were being extremely intrusive, and just out of pocket, like they don't remember being a new parents. you need to have some balls and talk to them. i have no balls so that was really hard for me. i actually built up a lot of resentments towards them. my son was born with a brain hemmorage, which caused a seziure, and they had to take him to get an MRI. When they were sticking him with needles and getting him ready to go in the ambulance my inlaws blocked me off. there was so much going on and they huddled around him leaving me sobbing over ther shoulders. i couldn't just talk to them about how i was feeling, and what i ended up doing (which i do not suggest) was being rude. they were mean to me and i was meaner, they gave stupid suggestions and i gave them a stupid sarcastic response. and now they don't come over as much. they used to come over everyday, which i hated. but now that they only come over once a week for an afternoon they see that i am a perfectly compitent mother.
i don't suggest being rude, that was just what i did. you need to vent about this, talk to your husband and friends about it. don't keep it pent up inside. the more you talk about it the less it will bother you. just don't say things you might regret. what i'mm trying to say is that this too shall pass

It sounds like you have some challenges. I didn't have those exact challenges, but I've had challenges with my mother-in-law and actually more recently with my own parents when it comes to my family and our choices about family events, etc. You have to speak up and draw the line. You have to set boundaries now and become the mom (not as easy as it sounds, I know). What most people miss I think is that you don't have to be hostile about it, you can be kind, but firm and honest. You start with positive, "thank you for all your help, but", "I appreciate your opinion, but", then you establish the boundary. Or when the baby is crying or they want to parent for you you say "Thanks for offering to help, but I'm going to change her diaper myself. What would really help me out right now is if you could start the laundry", etc. These parents have raised their kids, it's your turn to raise yours and make your own decisions. Even if you make the wrong decision(s) at times, it is yours to make, it is your own, not someone else's. Hopefully your husband can talk to his parents to help alleviate some of the pressure on you, while you talk to your own parents.

Also, are they all there at the same time? If so, maybe the baby is being overstimulated and what you really need is some down time. At this time in the early days, these helpers should be there to allow you time to bond with the baby and figure things out while they help with the cooking, cleaning, and maybe watch the baby while you nap - not to parent for you. If you are confident in being alone with the baby for blocks of time now, I would set a schedule so that they are all not there at the same time and perhaps not even back to back. Maybe one comes one day in the morning then the the next set the following day in the afternoon. Then you get a break from all the parents. We love our parents, but I can relate that parents often equal pressure.

What about your own friends coming over to visit instead, so your parents don't need to be there as often. You need time alone to bond with your baby and figure things out and you need the opportunity to talk to other moms that have had children more recently. If there is one nearby, join the local mothers' club - it was the best thing I ever did for myself. Just going to the park with the baby in the stroller and chatting with other moms will give you something to do and you'll be able to tell the parents, "Oops, sorry, we've got plans today." It will show them that you are in control of the schedule and the baby's time and yours. Sure, your baby won't be able to play with the other kids just yet, but it's sure nice to get a sneak preview of what you've got to look forward to 6, 12, 18 months down the line.

Hello C.,

Not sure if what I am offering is advice or just opinions, but this seems to be your first child who is barely a month old. I wonder if this is the first grand child?

I remember coming home from the hospital with my first (we now have 2, the second is 3 months old) and teh same thing happened. My first was whisked away, grand parents and aunts came over often,e veryone has an opinion how to do things,e tc. It annoyed me to no end. I was an angry first time mom and extremely possessive over my son. It has gotten better. I was not confrontational, but did say, when I was told things, he is fine, we like it this way, etc. Eventually they got it and the comments became less. I at one point, asked my mother, do you think I am even doing a good job? And she said of course, a wonderful job. It is new for them and they want it to go as smooth for you as possible, plus I think they have grand parent possessiveness as well.

If it is really bad, maybe when they say, I can't stand it with the baby crying, tell them, Ok, I will leave the room. Or, if they try and whisk the baby out of your arms, say, No, she is comfortable right now.

As hard as it is, try not to let yourself feel judged. If they truly are, it is their problem. For me, I try and tell myself, everyone can say something once, then leave it alone. You are n ot blowing it out of proportion, in my opinion, because you are mom, period, but unless you make it clear, either subtly or directly, nothing will change. Being grateful had nothing to do with the fact that you want to raise your child as you see fit. Being ungrateful is asking and never appreciating, two different things, as far as I see it.

Practice how you will respond to the next bit of advice you get (Thanks Dad, but times have changed and it is not good to leave a baby on it's stomach, plus we prefer it like this) then let it go. And, hormones has a lot to do with it. I did not realize how much until I had baby number 2, how much hormones affected me with baby 1. Give yourself a break. Where does your husband stand with this? Talking with him and being on the same level, and having him share in the vocalization, however you choose to do this, will mean a lot.

On a side note, when my daughter, now 3 months, was only 2 weeks old, I went shopping and she screamed the entier time (in the car seat on the shopping cart, won't do that again) and a lady practicallyl follwed me thru the store saying, oh if I could help you I would, Oh, when my children screamed like that I would do all I could to stop them. I smiled and continued shopping with her screaming. I picked her up here and there, but I had to do what I had to do. So, it is not just grand parents...:)

Hi C.
first just know that this is all OK and you are RIGHT YOUR SOO LUCKY! The baby is new and grammas and grampas and uncles and aunts in some cases really feel the need to be included in her life and they do this by "taking over" sometimes. Yes it is hormones that can make us over emotional about this but it is also your need to feel in control and show everyone new mommy has "got it" My advise is RELAX completly and let them enjoy if they dont live with you or you them...they are going home soon! Just take the advice you want and giggle and release the advice you dont want. What ever you do DO NOT let this upset you or make you feel you must assert that your the mom, they know that! They are also trying to "show" what they know, let it be and just enjoy the support, even use it to rest up...when they want to take baby (provided your not in the middle of breast feeding or otherwise) let them and just breath. Your family wants you to need them and this is how they acheive it. Strange human behavior I learned with my first 2 or 3...also remember they stop showing you how to be the mom after about 7 months...lol...they get bored easy after a while.

Congratulations on the new "family" blessing!

HUGS---C.
PS the side/back prop is how all 7 of mine slept but I had a sometimes tummy and back sleeper too. Doc's say back is best but then they said tummy before and then they changed it. I did what made baby sleep comfy, you'll know as momma what she needs! Just DO what you need to and SAY nothing and SMILE they will never even know MOM is running the show...good luck!

you are NOT being ungrateful, or a big baby, or any negative thing you might say about you. you are her mother. period. tell them something like this: God entrusted the care of my daughter to ME. If He wanted things done YOUR way, she would have been yours. That means I get to decide what is good for my daughter, not you. Thank you all for your eagerness to help, I am grateful for your intentions. I would still appreciate support, but that does not mean I want everything done for me. I love being her mom, I want to be her mom, I want to make the decisions for her, and I'd like to be able to ask for help without anyone trying to take over.

i know it's hard to say things like that, i'm a little blunt so you might want to soften it up your way ;) but maybe not too much as they seem not to be taking any hints very well. appreciate them, and put them in their place. i dont mean that to sound mean, i just mean they are way OUT of their place trying to usurp your motherhood. i hope it turns out ok.

Dear C.,
I was in a similar situation and sometimes felt like you. For me it's over 12 years ago and now I tell you enjoy it while it lasts... But I remember being in the situation I didn't feel that way at all. Sometimes it helps reading their old baby advice books and compare them to your new ones. For example about putting the baby on the stomach. The reason for doing it is because then the child is lifting the head faster and tries to crawl faster. The reason it is not recommended anymore today: SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrom). But it is still true that a child is more likely to crawl, lift the head and become more mobile if laid on the stomach. And actually today they recommend to sometimes lay the baby on the stomach. Maybe during the daytime nap and to avoid SIDS to give the baby a pacifier. The back sleeping position has the disadvantage that some children's head will show that they are always put down in that position. And who doesn't want a nicely shaped head...
Sometimes it just helps to know where the advice is coming from and to think for yourself. You need to tell them we want you to hold the baby that way, lay her down like that ect.
But enjoy, do something else take advantage of their help. You will definitely spend enough time with your child to bond. Just enjoy while it lasts. Is your child by any chance the first grandchild on both sides? Good luck, A.

Hi,
they definitely sound like too much even though I am sure they just want to help you. And it is really tough in the beginning being a new mom. How about this: When they say things you don't agree with, let them know in a polite way that you don't agree. Tell them you really appreciate their help, but that you don't agree.
And then, have them help out, do the dishes, cook or take care of the baby when you go for a nap or take a shower.
And send them out for a walk with the baby in the stroller so that you can lie down and read a magazine or something. Good luck!

Dear C.,
Congratulations on your baby.
And you are very lucky to have help, but sometimes help feels more like an invasion. I know that after my son was born, I went through a phase where the mere mention of someone coming to see the baby was like fingernails on a chalkboard. I would get so upset. But, I had spent about the last half of my pregnancy in the critical care unit in the hospital and once I got home and my baby was healthy, I just wanted some time and some peace and quiet. I didn't want a house full of people. I didn't want their "help". They all meant well. Everyone had been so worried about us making it home at all. I understood that, but I still felt the way I felt.
First of all, some of the advice they are giving is definitely old school. You can let it go in one ear and out the other. Or, you can say, "For many years now, they have known that putting a baby to sleep on their back is the safest thing". I don't think they are deliberately "cutting you down". But I do think that you will have to have an honest discussion with them before you build up a resentment and can't stand them being around at all. Say that you are a new mom and you and your husband are dedicated to figuring things out and learning what's best for your baby together. You are her parents and you want to have your own parenting plan. When my baby cries, I would like to be the one to figure out why she's crying and comfort her. You can also come right out and say, "I love you. I love that you love the baby so much. You can blame it on hormones if you want, but the truth is, my baby is brand new and perhaps I'm feeling a little over-protective right now. I'm not saying I never want your advice or help, but for right now, I need you to respect how I'm feeling. Please."
And have your husband back you up.
I don't do things the way my parents did.
My parents didn't do things exactly as their parents did.
Now that you have started a family, you get to do things your own way. They don't have to agree with them, and that's okay. But it's your baby and your choices.
They may not understand at all how you've been feeling and they won't, unless you tell them. And it doesn't sound like there's a chance they would quit just wanting to see the baby all together, so I wouldn't worry about that.
Try to talk to them and don't hold it all in. It will only make matters worse. Better to do it now than down the road when you can't say it rationally and just bite their heads off.

Best of luck. I'm sure you are a wonderful mother. Enjoy your new blessing.

Congratulations on your new baby. My baby girl was born in October and I had a similar, but much less dramatic experience with my sister-in-law. After I went back to work I wanted to spend every moment of the weekends with my daughter. When we would go over to visit my in-laws (they live close too) my s-i-l would want to hold my baby and just keep her the entire time we were there. I understand that she loves being an Aunt, this is her first niece. She has two children of her own but they are teenagers now. So when she offers to feed my baby girl her veges or fruit, I simply say, "thanks, but I've got it." Or I just straight out say that I would like to hold her because I don't get much time with her anymore. And if she gets pushed out of shape, too bad. She is my kid, not hers.

People don't always show they care with loving and supportive words. My mother-in-law feels that "helping" me by telling me what she did (which is different than what I'm doing) is showing that she cares. Be firm. YOU are the Mommy, but also try to temper that by remembering that they are probably doing all of this because they care about you and the baby.

First you are blessed to have both sets of grandparents and believe me later on all the support will be very helpful. I bet this is the first grandchild too....that is why they are gushing over your daughter. You will have to draw a line about you and your husband being the parents and that all there advice and knowledge will come in handy when you need it. Do it in a positive manner and find the special thing with each one to always refer to. Say your mother is a great cook...have her start helping you in trying to make your own baby food. Or if your father in law loves to read have him work with you to start her a wonderful library. This will give each grandparent the special thing to do for your daughter and maybe that will help. I will have to tell you that my children have only one grandparent and it is my motherinlaw and she can be tring too. But she lives in NYC and for us ...mommy and daddy...we never get a break from the kids....never a date night for us. So....keep the peace between everyone and you can use this excitement for your baby to your advantage too....goodluck :)

Hi C.,
Have you given them statistic such as infant mortality rate 32 years ago vs. today? Yes this is a come back at them, but it is factual information that will let them know the medical industry has been studying data for a long time and find new and better ways to do things (such as sleeping on the back instead of stomach). Who knows when your child has babies what will be proved or disproved and you will need to remember your feeling today in the future. Also, it is very important for the mother (you) to bond with her baby. The relatives can help by making you dinner, vacuuming, doing the laundry and shopping for needed items. This advice is not reality for me. People thought they were helping by offering to watch my son when he was a new born so I could get out. I never had the nerve to ask anyone to watch my clothes as some books suggest. I guess venting with other mothers is the next most helpful thing :)
-S.

Firstly, congratulations on becoming a mom! (I haven't yet so feel free to take the following with a grain of salt- pure speculation on my part....)

What you're describing sounds very annoying and hurtful. They may "mean well" but it isn't coming across. I wish I had some advice but all I can tell you is that I feel you and I wonder if perhaps they are feeling something like regret, that perhaps they feel they know more now than they did when they raised kids and so they therefore must know more than you. Not necessarily true, obviously, but it could be an indication that they recognize the fallability of their early parenting skills and are projecting that onto you, the new mom. It may not make the behavior or the words less annoying, but perhaps it can give you a little bit of compassion and you may take it less personally to see it from this possible angle. You could also point out that given that you are "hormonal" as they keep saying, maybe it would be most considerate of them not to provoke you while you're in such a sensitive state- this may even the field a little- by acknowledging the confluence of factors involved in the interpersonal drama going on. If you can find a less inflammatory word than "provoke" that might help, but truthfully, that's what it sounds like their doing!

Hi C.,

I suspect BOTH sets of parents still think of you and your husband as their children and haven't accepted the fact that you are grown up. They all have known you so long they don't get that they should not be telling you what to do and when to do it.

They are fortunate that you "feel very lucky". If someone tried to take my baby out of my arms or gave me instructions or advice I didn't ask for, I would feel anything but lucky. You are not over reacting and the behavior of the grandparents is extreme. Don't put blame on yourself or make excuses for their overbearing behavor.

You and your husband need to set some boundaries now or this will continue and make you resentful. Let both sets of parents know that you want to have time alone (just the three of you) without visitors for the next few weeks, with the exception of (maybe) Father's Day. Keep in mind its your husband's first Father's Day and if you want to celebrate without company....that's OK.

If your parents (both sides) have always felt free to just "drop in" without notice, it will be harder to get them to understand...and their will be hurt feelings (for a while)...I would pick the most rational of the four parents and talk to them first. Maybe the rational parent can talk to the rest.

If all else fails and you can't have any peace, I would consider moving a couple of hours away.

I am in the same boat you are, although my family (and in-laws) are not quite as over bearing as you describe. Basically I have had to learn to "nod and smile". Sometimes I try what they suggest and sometimes I just ignore it. I would just suggest that when they try to take the baby from you that you should gently let them know that you are ok and that you would like to figure things out for yourself. And sometimes it doesn't hurt to hand the baby over and take a break yourself (for both you and the baby). Also, some of the "35 year old advice" really isn't bad advice. For example, I know the Dr's say not to put your baby on it's tummy to sleep, but because my daughter wouldn't sleep my mom suggested doing just that. At first I wouldn't because I was told I shouldn't, but eventually I did and my daughter slept great (she still sleeps on her tummy better and she's 2).

Hope this helps :).

I agree with you that you are very lucky to have parents close by. But you are your daughters MOTHER, I think it is great when parents give advice on what to do with there grandchildren, but they need to remember you are the Mother. I also gave my children advice on what they should or should not do with my grandchildren, but I always started the advice with you can use my advice or you can flush it down the toliet as you are there parents, and we all do things different. The baby should never be layed on it tummy to sleep, as the doctors have learn it is not good. My daughter bought what she called a hug (thats not what is was) it is two trangle pillows hook together with a sheet to hold the pillows together you put baby in the middle with the pillow just under her arms this way you can lay her on her left side or her right side to give her a differet way of sleeping, also with out the pillow on her back, this way you routate her and she does not get a flat spot on the back of the head from beening on her back all the time. Babies really don't like to sleep on just there backs and this gives her a change this can be found in the baby department at Target or Walmart, they are great. If grandparents want to take baby from you it should only be it you want to let them have her. I think sometimes as grandparents we forget that are children are ready to make discion on there on. But from you letter I think you will be a great MOM. Enjoy her as they grow fast.
This is just my advice, which is not much you may take it or leave it as I would tell my children. I always told my children you have to make the finial decision, sometimes it will be right and sometimes it will be wrong. there is no sure way to know. Just your gut feeling is usuaul right. May God Bless you and your Family

Hi C.. I do know how you feel. When I had my first baby, my mother in law flew in when she was 2 weeks old. My husband went to pick her up from the airport and during the ride home, he explained to her the boundaries that we were setting. He did it in a private manner and before anything was set out of control. I think he said something like, " Mom, I know you are here to help and we are glad you are here, but K. and I are going to do things the way we think is right. You may not agree with them all, but that's just our way." She took it quite well and everything went fine. Although at one point, she didn't believe me when I told her that I needed to breastfeed the baby 8-12 times during the day. I finally pulled out all the literature from the hospital and then she said, "Oh..." She still put in her two cents, but we either said, "No, we found this or that to work for us" or we said "Well, the doctor told us ...XYZ" I spoke with my mom and my husband spoke with his parents privately. That seemed to work for us. Good luck!

It is perfectly normal to feel the way you do. They are probably just tring to help and don't even realize that what they are doing is bothering you. Maybe have your husband say something to them. they can not tell him he is hormonal :) if that does not work just give it some time everyone is getting use to there new roles.
A.

Congrats on your new baby!!! Sounds like the grandparents are all returning to their "new baby" days from years ago. They have been your primary teachers for so long, they just continue doing it. Do they know that you've studying these issues? Do they know you receive info from your pediatrician? Share the articles, websites, etc. Consider inviting the grammas to the next pediatrian appointment.
Also, some people (not just grandparents) get nervous around fussy babies. They feel they need to do something, anything. Or, that you need to do something, anything. Their unease will continue for a few years, so good to address it now.

You are not just being hormonal. It's good that you appreciate their help and love for their grandchild, but they need to know where to draw the line and not disrespect you (even though we understand that it is unintentional)as a mother. You can tell them that you appreciate their advise and that you will take it into consideration. They raised their children their way, you should be allowed to raise yours your way.
I know from experience that when it is your first child, everyone has tips and ideas. Also, whenI would visit my family, they would walk up to me all smiles and love, take my baby from me and walk away cooing at her. I jokingly said, "Hello? Remember me? I'm here too. Nice to see you too." But actually it didn't offend me because I loved that they love her so much. She is an extension of me. And when she gets alittle older, believe me, you'll be very happy to hand her over for a little break. My daughter is now 13(but that's a whole different nightmare you have to look forward to)and is only into her friends. I tell her that her grandmother won't be around us forever and she will cherish the memories she has of the time spent with her.
Anyway, you need to have your boundaries clear and keep a united front with your partner, he (or she) should back you up on this. When the grandparents say they can't take it anymore, just firmly but nicely let them know you are capable of handling the situation. If they say lay her on her stomach, you don't need to explain yourself...lay her how you want. If they pick her up and move her, just put her back to the position you want.If you don't empower them by pacifying them and doing what they say, soon enough they will stop. It's a touchy situation because they just love her and you don't want to offend or hurt them, but they need to respect you and your wishes. And just know this is all fresh and new right now for them as well as you. It will die down soon enough.
-M