Need Help Becoming More Patient

Hi A.,
I also had to learn patience. Just a few things I did: I taught the kids, we all need our "space" when I am feeling overwhelmed I anounce (sometimes loudly) I am going to have some SPACE or alone time, and they know to leave me alone. I feel that walking away is a good thing and I want my kids to learn that behavior not losing control.
I unfortunatly picked up a bad habbit of losing my temper from my Mom:( So I put in a blue light in the hall, if I start losing my temper and they get nervouse, the kids know to turn on the light and I have to go to my room to calm down. I started this 4 years ago and I am happy to say that I have a handle on my temper now and we never need to use that light.
I needed to become a better Mom than my own and it was hard work but worth it completly. My kids come to me with anything and that is a success.
Just a few rules in my house (all kids need rules!) and no matter what ....FOLLOW THE RULES! Whatever they may be.
1 If you fight over it you loose it! One time we were in a store and they were fighting over a new toy! I took the toy and gave it to a randome child nerby (after asking his mom)... the looks on the kids faces were in disbelief.... it was an expensive lesson and hard for me to do .... but the kids never question this rul again.
2 If they are fighting over and over, I have the kids hug (no matter where we are).... untill they are over it. (this one is great because they start laughing and kidding around in each others arms) then I have them discuse it and forgive and move on.
3 They can come to me with anything, no matter how bad they think it is and we will talk about it and work it out. And yes there might be concequences (spelling?) to their actions but we will work threw it together.

I could go on and on but I hope this helped:)
R.

You are not alone. I find myself being irritated also and re-act sarcasticly or just get out of sorts on little things. Getting to the route of the irritation is the number one thing because that is probably why we tend to take it out on our kids...it may not be about them at all. And it sounds like your stressed and you need YOU time.
I learned to be in the world of my kids. Get to their level and how they view our world and the things they are learning... I just get In "" A H "" of all they do and know and how they learn. I think we get distracted on the less important things for most of our days and we get too focused on laundry, bills, stress of money, and other responsibilities that it really takes away focus of the kids and our undivided attention. If I just put aside all that other stuff and really focus on them and their needs and world ... I tend to be more kind with my words and patient with our disagreements. I think being a mom is sooo hard and it takes time to adjust an attitude that you develope over years of time or was taught by family. I know my kids will be less needy if I give them a certain amount of time a day of undivided attention...then it is their turn to play without friction and it works good. Lots of prayer and time for yourself is the number one in order to have the energy to give to others. You will do great ..... We all don't want to be like our parents or maybe some of us...so that in itself can help change us because we are trying to be different/better then we learned.

You have had such an unfortunate start...with your description of your own childhood. Even for those of us with more "ideal" parenting, toddlers are a handful...as they think so differently from us.
I have recently fallen in love with simple discipline plans...like those strategies recommended by Love and Logic...(has a website) as the authors point out the fact, that when we adults are starting to get emotional, we say and do stuff we should not.
They recommend a broken record approach...a one-liner approach, so as to not get too frustrated in trying to think of a solution for each individual situation with annoying behavior. (This eliminates the kid's ability to "push buttons". (even unintentionally...by the way, which, with your tension level, might be happening.)
Keep trying to take time to de-escalate...as it may not work all the time...but some of time is better than none. It is important to remember that yelling is very ineffective for kids who are already displaying counter-will...like your 3.5 year old. You would do much better with an entirely different approach. Love and Logic ...says that the "energy drain" strategy works well with 4 year olds...you are getting close. (The child's poor choice/behavior drains your energy...it is the child's responsibility to help you get it back by doing something helpful for YOU.)
Treat yourself with empathy...and then your kids. See Love and Logic website for specifics...free. All people (even little ones) like to believe other people are on their side or understand them. (Even when they make poor choices or display bad behavior...unconditional love expressed keeps our children close)

I had similar upbringing with a loud and sarcastic, overwhelmed single mom. I saw my daughter one time yell at her doll in my tone of voice and I just lost it. She was so little at the time. That was when I decided to make a change. I pictured myself as having a thermometer and as the temperature would start to rise, I would switch gears, before I hit the boiling point.

When my kids would whine, I would very calmly tell them that I don't understand their whiny language and would walk away. When they got older, I would tell them something either so annoying or something unexpected that they would stop. E.g. "That's not fair!" and I would answer, "You're right. Life is not fair and the sooner you figure it out the better off you are going to be." I said it every time, and I mean every time. They got so tired of the broken record they stopped whining. If they asked, "Why does she get to do that instead of me?" I would reply with a smile, "Because she is my favorite." Then the next time it would be the other one and I would say, "I love him more." It actually became fun instead of irritating.

Now that your 3.5 year old is still young, just figure out what reaction he is trying to get and do something unexpected or unwanted. My daughter would have a tantrum and I would calmly say that I will be in the next room whenever she is done. Instead of asking her a question that she could say "no" to, I would ask if she wanted to put her dirty clothes in her hamper or in this plastic bag today. Or I would ask if she wanted to eat the wear the green shirt or the red shirt. When she wouldn't listen, there were consequences every time. I would take away a toy and tell her that she could have it back when the buzzer went off if she obeyed. I would point out calmly that she made the choice to have the consequences. Did it work every time? No, sometimes my temper got the best of me - as you know it is deep inside of us as a normal reaction since we learned it very young. But I would apologize and ask for forgiveness. She learned to do the same.

Is is hard work - yes! But is it worth it? Yes!! I have wonderful children today who have learned how to treat others kindly even when they are upset or angry.

Good luck. It can be done as I am a living testimony.