Need Help with 18Year Old Step Daughter, Husband Doesn't Make Her Do Anything

Easiest solution ever: Put a new password on the Wifi each day. If she wants the password, she contributes to the family home and cleans up after herself. If she doesn't want to clean, she hires a cleaning service on her dime to do the work. If she refuses either, she can go live with mom.

I also think you and hubby need marriage counseling. Telling you to "shut up?" Oh, no. That's not okay.

ETA: Honey, it's time to pack up and leave. Wow. www.youarenotcrazy.com

Based upon your SWH, I'd say there's not a thing we could say to get him to understand. Wow. Honey, you can leave. Trust me, you'll be better off without him. YUCK.

Oh my goodness, L., you deserve so much better.

http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/stoc...

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From your original post, I say let her move out and take her lumps in the real world.

From your SWH, I say move yourself out asap and don't look back.

He will never understand. He is an abuser, you need to get out.

I read everything, then read your SWH.

Why are you still married to him?

your SD is not the problem.
your husband is.
start there.
khairete
S.

I had a whole post and then got to your SWH and scrapped it.

The flip side, the MORE IMPORTANT side is if he's saying you can't work and you must be this or that...maybe it's time to really kick him to the curb and find your own way. You've done the counseling and that sounds a LOT abusive and controlling. So I'd get a lawyer and not be bullied by him. Know your rights. I think that this business with his daughter is one more way to make you feel badly and life's too short to be married to that guy.

Your problem is not at all, in any way, shape or form, with your step-daughter and I really hope you can see that.

Your problem is between you and your husband.

I would suggest you get some counseling - either by yourself or with your husband. He would benefit from his own counseling as well.

Why post about the stepdaughter at all when the issue is your verbally abusive user of a husband?

Make him an ex-husband. Immediately. There are no kids in the home to worry about or have a custody fight over.

The issue isn't daughter. Don't bother to talk with the spoiled, entitled princess slob. Your focusing your anger at HIM onto her (though she does sound like a nightmare.)

The issue is husband. Don't bother to talk to him either. You don't mention one single thing that makes you want to stay with him. So why do you stay? Get back to a counselor on your own, but before that: Get an attorney and get out. You DO understand that watching your every move, driving your children out, picking your friends for you, checking every receipt etc. is beyond controlling? It's deeply sick and abusive. Get out. If you are staying because he holds all the purse strings, find some way to put some money where he cannot access it and get out.

Call a women's shelter or women's center for advice tonight. You may have to run, since he's made threats in the past, and an intense controller like him is going to be angry that the toy he controls dared to leave. Make the call, pack a bag, get out. Stop focusing on the girl at ALL.

Get the heck out of there! Can you find a battered women's shelter?? Seriously, leave...TODAY!!!

Leave. He is abusive. So sorry you are going through this.

ETA: L., this is an abusive marriage and one you need to get out of. I'm sorry to read that he has managed to mess with your head so badly that you feel that you have no options. From what you describe, it sounds like you're a hostage and not a wife. And you are. But no more.

You are worth more than this. So were your children. No matter what it takes, no matter how much you lose, this needs to end. If I were you, I would start counseling immediately so that you can start to re-learn your own self worth. Then talk to a domestic violence help group in your area to learn how to keep yourself safe, then talk to a lawyer. It sounds as if your husband makes a decent living - you are entitled to financial support from him until you can get on your feet. There are jobs out there. You CAN support yourself. You CANNOT have a healthy marriage to an abusive a-hole. Please, take steps to end this and get your life back. You have wasted too many years and have too much life left waiting for you to continue to live this way.
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OK the problem here is with your husband. Do not allow him to treat you this way. You two need marriage counseling, pronto. If he won't go with you, you go alone at first.

As for your step-daughter, step off. She's an adult. She SHOULD live on campus or in an apartment, if you can afford it. Why is she living with a parent at all? It's what normal kids do at this age. Then her housekeeping and hygiene habits won't be in front of you to annoy you. Why do you care when she does laundry or how she hangs her clothes? Really, you sound like a bit of a control freak. It's not your job to teach her grooming, housekeeping or money management. She's had 18 years to absorb this stuff. She'll figure it out when she needs to, and when she needs to do that isn't right now. You're treating her like she's 10. She's not. If you can afford to have her move out, then that's the solution. If you can't afford for her to be in her own place while in school, then that's a different situation and yes, there should be some ground rules for how adults - even an adult student - contribute to the house. She's not an equal so you shouldn't expect her to do the same amount of work that you do, and her job is going to her actual job and her classes. Housekeeping isn't her responsibility, frankly, it's for you and your husband to sort out.

I think you and your husband need to meet with a 3rd party to mediate some ground rules and expectations. I think that you're both off-base and that reasonable expectations and consequences are somewhere in the middle. But you can't treat her like a kid, even when she acts like one.

L. you have a situation where he has emotionally blackmailed you for so long you seriously think you can't live without him. I am not sure what your ages have to do with it, my husband is a lot younger than me and it really doesn't matter.What matters is you need to start getting up and telling yourself that you can and will escape this situation. Hiding in your room is not going to solve anything, letting him treat you this way has to end now. Take some baby steps, start by putting twenty dollars a week away in a great hiding place and oh do not tell him. You will feel empowered just knowing it is adding up. There is no time period attached to this. Just do the math, it adds up. Next begin to communicate with your kids again. I am sure they love you, they don't like him. He apparently won't do anything about his daughter so let em have her. Go back to school and get a career. He is not at home all the time,so he can live without you being there twenty four seven. YOU ARE WORTH IT.

ETA: Wow, L., I wrote my original response before your SWH. You are in an emotionally abusive marriage. You deserve better. You want ideas from us to help you get him to understand, but you can't make someone like this understand or change. You can't make someone be what they are not. And he does not seem to be a good man. Get yourself into counseling. Call the local women's shelter for referrals to a counselor. They can help you form an exit strategy and provide you with support as you untangle yourself from this mess. Good luck to you.

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L.,

There's a lot going on here besides messy bedrooms and kitchens. The first thing is between you and your husband. Seems that your communication with each other could use some work. You need to be on the same page with your parenting, your finances, and your respect for one another. These issues need to be addressed because, if not, they WILL affect your family--- even after your 18 y/o step-daughter moves out. All of the younger children are watching how you and your husband interact, and it will set the tone for what follows in your family for years to come.

Find a good family therapist (LMFT for Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) or psychologist who does couples/family work and get working on this.

The other issues relate to blending of families, and therapy will help with this, too. I don't know how long you've been married and whether you had children you brought to this marriage or if you and your husband have children together. From your post, it sounds like you also had children before you and current husband married. Either way, you are a family now, and it takes a while for blended families to find a way to work together. There is no one specific time, but it is a process that develops over a period of years, and much depends on the people involved and how willing they are to make things work.

The thing is, you guys are already on a negative path in the way you relate to one another. From what I read here, it sounds like in your head you've set up a scenario where it's dad/daughter vs. you. You've got to get out of that way of thinking and realize you're all in this together now.

You can't demand people (especially adult people) into doing what you want them to do. If you want your SD to respect you, you also have to respect her and the fact that she and your husband have a special parent-child relationship that pre-dates you. This doesn't lessen his relationship with you. It's not an either/or proposition. It doesn't mean he loves you less, and blended/step-families need to get out of this way of thinking. BOTH of these relationships exist, and they are BOTH important and need to be respected.

This is all about compromising and finding a way to be together that is founded upon MUTUAL respect. You have to get to know your SD as a person, not just an annoyance. I get that you're frustrated with her behavior. But she is more than just a messy bedroom. Please try to get to know her as a person. If you love your husband, you should extend that love to her, and develop your relationship with her. She will always be part of your life. Don't fool yourself into thinking that once she leaves the house that all your problems will magically disappear.

That's not to say you don't have valid concerns. You do. Everyone (children included, within reason and respect to their ages) living in the household has to have some responsibility for maintaining the household. It is not unreasonable to ask that people clean up after themselves---especially in common areas like kitchens--- but after that, you may need to rethink your standards. If she wants to sleep in dirty sheets and jump over piles of clothes in her bedroom, why let that bother you? This is a pick your battles sort of thing. You're going to have to decide if you want peace in your home or you want everyone to do it your way 100% of the time. If you want peace, there will have to be some compromises. This is true in any relationship or family---blended or not.

If your husband had already committed to paying for college before you came into the picture, then you can't really change that. This is something you should have discussed with him BEFORE you married. However, you and your husband should be discussing finances going forward.

Please reflect on what I've said here. I'm a step-mom, too, so I'm not trying to bash you. Please get into therapy so you can all enjoy each other rather than living with stress and strife.

Wishing all of you the best

J. F.

This is really, really hard, because you do not have the support of your husband. The thing that horrified me, reading your post, is that your husband tells you to shut up in front of her. That is your biggest problem. Your husband should never be telling you to shut up, in any circumstance, but especially not in front of her.

I was the disciplinarian in my house, and my husband did not support me, so I understand your problem very well. It almost caused us to divorce. He didn't go as far as telling me to shut up, but it was very apparent to the kids who the "bad guy" was -- me.

So from experience, I can say that you need to choose your battles. I think you need to make her room and her personal hygiene, her sheets and her laundry, be her own business. If she wants to have clothes all over the floor, and sleep in filthy sheets, let her. Just shut the door to her room so you don't have to see it. Just tell her she's starting to smell, and let her do what she wants with that information.

I will also say that her room sounds like many rooms of many college-aged kids I've seen. When I was in my 20's, I remember being at the houses of some of my guy friends, and they were almost health hazards, they were so dirty. (One of the guys I'm thinking of is now a millionaire with a beautiful, very clean house.) Most people finally grow up and get a lot cleaner.

I don't think you should talk with her tonight until you and your husband decide what the boundaries are. If you try to talk with her before that, you are just going to fight in front of her, and you will lose again.

This is really a problem between you and your husband, not you and your stepdaughter. I have very strong feelings about this subject, since I know what it's like to be in your position. My marriage started to get a lot better once the last of the kids moved out.

Maybe she SHOULD move out, even if your husband is going to continue to support her. At least then she won't be in your house, being a lazy slob. It will be worth paying for it and not having to fight with your husband. And by the way, they usually start to mature a lot once they move out, so that's another reason why it might be good for her to move out with a friend. If she gets enough roommates, her living expenses will be fairly cheap.

Good luck, and don't talk to her until you and your husband are in some agreement.

You have a couple of issues going on.

First, you and your husband need to go to marital/family counseling to figure out how to work as a team. The fact that he told you to shut up is an issue. However, I would like to know more of the context of the "shut up". I hate those two words with a passion. They are counter productive but you sort of sound like a nag so I'm not sure if they were said in frustration.

Second, step daughter. There should be respect. On all sides. You, husband and step daughter. Without your husband participating in this that will be difficult to achieve.

Your REAL issue is your husband not the step daughter. She is doing what any 18 year would be. Take advantage of the situation. You and your husband must be a team. That is why the martial/family counseling is so important.

I think there is so much more going on.

Since her college is two and a half hours from your home why doesn't she just board there?

Your step daughter is the least of your problems.
You just need to leave now and not look back.
I see NO REASON to continue living like this.
Make your escape plan, prepare, then leave - and for goodness sake - file for divorce like yesterday.
Talk to a woman s shelter and just get the heck out of there.
There is no fixing this situation.
Just get out of this circus and go live your life in peace.

L.:

Why the "Sorry to bother you" at the end? I scanned all the responses and didn't see anything that was bashing you or anything. Are you upset that everyone is in agreement that your husband is the issue? I don't understand. Maybe I'm misreading your' So what happened" but it sounds like you are unhappy about the responses you've received.

Sounds like she needs to live on campus in student housing. Perhaps she could get in a dorm and then live how she wants. Be sure to encourage her to take classes year round so she has a room all the time and doesn't have to move in and out each August and May. Taking summer classes will keep her in her dorm room I believe. You can also do a meal plan and be done with it all. If you don't want or can't afford the meal plan tell her she's on her own to buy her own food plan with her money.

It won't cost a lot more than feeding and clothing her at home and it will give you your house back...

Otherwise live with it because hubby is not going to change his attitude. He allows her to live like this.