Need Help with a 5Yr Ol and a 15Yr Old

All children need boundaries and consequences when they break the rules. Whether a child is 2 years old or 15 years old, they both need to understand that you are the parent, you are the boss, not them. Disrespect, rudeness, bad attitudes, disobedience need not be the norm in the household. We parents need to "draw the line in the sand" and decide what is acceptable behavior. A great book to read is "Dare to Discipline" by Dr. James Dobson.

B.,

Wow. 5 and 15. That's quite a stretch.

Here's three discipline concepts to think about: boundries, consistancy, and logical consequences.

Boundries
When kids don't have a clear idea of what behavior is ok and what is off-limits, they push you around, sometimes just to see if you notice that they are there!. I don't mean only what you tell them, I mean what you let them do without any real consequense.
For example: you tell your 5 not to whine, but after 10 minutes of whining you get that candy at the check out. So 5 knows whining is ok, it gets me what I want.
Another example: You tell 15 that homework needs to get done every day. But you don't have any guidlines about WHEN homework needs to be done, so she ends up not doing it because its too late, or something else came up etc.

Consistancy
Once you figure out what boundries you want to set, consitancy is the issue that will make or break the whole game. You gotta stick to your guns here. If you get pushback, especially from the 15, you have to help her find a way to stay within the boundries (since you have band that afternoon, you'll have to miss that tv show to do your schoolwork. Maybe we can record it for later.) If whining is an issue, Be Consistant.

Logical Consequences. You want to give the kids a reason to change their behavior and attitudes. If 5 is yelling and throwing a temper fit, then she is not fit for the company of others and must go to her room. She can come back when she is ready to apologize and be civil. I'm not sure what 15's issues are, but connect the behavior you don't like to a 't want to related consequence that 15 dosen't want to happen (for example, When you don't help around the house at least 20 min a day, I won't drive you to your extracirricular activities)

Be strong! Find something that works and stick with it DONT BACK DOWN! If you back down she'll know that she just has to push harder and she'll win. Some time when you know its comming yell back at her(5 yr old) then stop and in a calm voice ask her see now how does that make you feel!?!?!?! She might not like that so much. Make her sit in the corner in a room with no destractions anr 5 min. PLUS there is nothing wrong with an old fation swat on the butt. I would have got a pop in the mouth if i would have talked to my mom like that when i was 5. Just be strong in no matter what you do!

Your 5 year old is probably taking cues from the 15 year old.
Tell your girls calmly you are concerned about how they are feeling and want to listen to them, but that they need to act and speak in an appropriate manner before you will listen. Send them to their rooms to get their composure and then listen to them indiviually. Set some basic rules about what is acceptable to you as far as their language is concerned and then let them vent! Don't take it personally, just HEAR them. With the 15 year old, ask her questions about what she thinks would be best in handling her situation instead of giving her answers. With the 5 year old, let her tell you how she's feeling and then train her in how to express her emotions appropriately. A book that really helped me was
"The heart of parenting: How to raise an emotionally intelligent child." By John Gottman Check the library.

There are a ton of suggestions here, but I feel I have good info too. I watched my sister torture my parents, and my parents got harder and harder on her, and it never helped. I have a degree in family studies from ASU now, and I realize why. Teenagers are emotional. That is a fact. There is a niche you can get in with your daughter where she will both trust you and also respect you as a parent, (sounds like you have that) however she will be emotional. She can't help it. The best thing to do is to work with her and realize she faces challenges you might not know about. I am a very strict parent, but I know when I was emotional and my parents got mad, it didn't help solve the problem I just got more emotional. Maybe send her to her room, or give her time to herself, or take her out on Mother Daughter nights and allow her to discurss her feelings about life and open up. If she can confide in you she might just be able to cope with whatever is irritating her to begin with.

Check out the website on Postive Discipline. It has lots of good suggestions that really make a difference. It has for me and my 16 yr old rock and roller.

It sounds like you are allowing your kids to run you. Who is the wise adult in the house? YOU! You have to claim your place as the adult that makes the rules, and stick by the consequences if the rules are broken.

Take some time to sit down and look at what is not working for you. It is your life, your house. You decide what is okay or not. Then write down what you want and expect instead. Then communicate this with your girls. Tell them what the new rules are, and what will happen when they are not followed. You may want to have your 15 yr. old actually sign an agreement on this. So you can hold her to her agreement.
Then the tough part. They break the rule, you stand your ground. The first couple of times will be the hardest, but you will see that children are relieved when the adult takes over. They are not completely in control of their emotions. Hopefully, you are! And after the rules are set, life will settle down much more. But be firm - not mean. Always allow for cooling off before reacting, and remember that you want it to be a win-win situation. Have a plan, and stick to it.

It sounds like they take all of their frustration out on you, I would start by reading Parenting with love and logic. Queen Bees is also a must of mom's with girls.
even if your not religious it is a must read.
learning how to use words to express ones self is a great tool, but not at the cost of disrespect to others.
I have two boys 12 and 14 and I always tell them, you can say anything to me as long as it's done with respect. and trust me I don't always like the content of the conversation, I also have to be accountable for my actions.
Words can be very hurtful and they can't be taken back, so I tell them choose your words carefully, challenge them to make a good argument... you do have feelings to and they get hurt, although we love them unconditionally ......... we are human and deserve to be treat as such. thena group hug is in order.

Don't give into them anymore make them realize that you are the boss and they are not they will do what you say. I have learned that respect and not yelling will really work.

i have 2 older (16 & 18) teens and younger set (4 & 7) all boys and your younger daughter is learning her disrepect and manners from the older sister... the younger daughter idiolizers her, wants to be like her etc and is acting like her older sister... you need to nip it in the butt now because it will only progress as she gets older.. she needs to know that for all her actions there are consequences.. also, make the older sister aware that her actions are effecting her younger sister negatively and that she has a responsibility to herself and her sister...
it's hard, i know, the younger sister wanting to be with the older and the older justs wants to be left alone.. but keep your chin up and keep consistant.. it will work out...

I remember watching Dr. Phil one day and he had suggested that every time the child acted up like your 5 yr. old to tell her you will take away one of her toys until she can prove her conduct changed. Then do it. I had met someone with a daughter similar to yours and that is what the parents did and the next time I saw her, she was more behaved. It really works. Howver, be sure it is one of her favorite toys and not to give in. Good luck to you! M.

I HIGHLY recommend taking Love and Logic classes. I am seeing remarkable positive changes in my toddler's behavior since applying the principles/ideas I've learned through attending Love and Logic classes here in Arizona. Here are the list of classes the local Love and Logic instructor is teaching: http://www.keriparentcoach.com/447486.html Tell her T. sent you. You can also call the Love and Logic company at 800-588-5644 to get the contact info for people who teach classes in your area (I just called and a real person answered right away and was very helpful).

You daughters need to learn sooner than later that they don't run the show. Now is the best time to learn, when the consequences for defying authority are relatively small. My mom always told us, "I'll be happy to listen to anything you say nicely." She'd repeat it until we calmed down and spoke nicely, and I do the same thing with my children. By me insisting I be respected, I'm modeling to my children what to insist on from their peers.

The Love and Logic approach is all about tough love--being firm and consistent in letting children suffer the natural (logical) consequences of their actions, while doing so in a very gentle and loving way, having true empathy in your heart. My mom parented this way, and I really appreciate my upbringing. I feel she was a very effective and loving parent who helped prepare us for the real world.

If classes aren't available near you, check out some Love and Logic materials at the local library for free or buy them at www.loveandlogic.com. Here are some I recommend: a seminar on DVD "Painless Parenting for the Preschool Years," the book "Parenting with Love and Logic." They also have some great CDs full of wonderful advice and real-life applications that you can listen to in the car while driving.

Hi there B.. I have a 16 year old and a 1 year old. Sounds like you have your hands full, I'm so sorry. I have to be truly honest. Two things - discipline (do you?) and a good old fashioned grounding never hurt any one. We had major issues with my daughter when she was about eight and nine. lying, stealing, all sort of stuff. When I look back, I think with all the changes in our life that she was acting out, but we came down on her really, really hard. No priveledges at all. EVERYTHING IS A PRIVILEDGE. Now, she is a junior, a honor society student and a dream to have around. We dont allow much room for her to mouth off, get attitude or anything like that and it keeps her in line. Another thing that we did that I think was beneficial was start going to church. It helped her to know she wasnt alone in the battle that teens have to face every day. I hope this helps a little. I am a firm believer in tough love. It saved my daughter. Good luck!