Need Help with a Strong Willed 4 Yr Old

My strong willed child is 21 as of yesterday, he is a loving husband, a great soldier, and a wonderful son. I used the hold method, I would set on the floor in a dark room, with him on my lap, my legs over his and his arms crossed across his chest with mine around him. I would hold him tight, until he said he was sorry, one time it was over an hour, but you always have to win, know matter how long it takes, and keep telling them you love them. Ill behaved children become ill behaved adults, the goal is to have likable children. I had two older children, so the little guys behavior was a shock. This young man is a pleasure to be around, and when he was little, we lost a lot of friends and family that did not want to put up with him. Good Luck. Remember, when its all said and done, we are judged as parents, as to what kind of adult we have raised. Hang in there Mom and pray a lot. Kris

R.,

Be encouraged! Your daughter is giving you some clues about the recent CHANGES in your life/home. She's also revealing more about her unique PERSONALITY. I know it's taxing and frustrating, but in her own way she is trying to tell you and others around her something...take note. Congrats on your pregnancy too! Your daughter will love and benefit from sharing life with a sibling.

A few considerations: changes at home always express themselves. How has your daughter's world changed? Has her caregiver/friends changed since you started staying at home? Does she miss them? Does she have access to them? A little visit soon might ease her loss.

What was life like for her before the changes? What parts of it can be retained? How can you help her release what can't and embrace the new? What was her time with you and her dad like? Does she still have that undivided attention from you two?

A pregnancy takes energy. Caring for a four year old takes more energy. Providing childcare for a "few" others takes even more energy. What is this new arrangement taking from you? What has it taken from her? Is your daughter accustomed to sharing her home, her toys and most importantly her mommy? My guess is she is acting out her stress in response to all your changes. I suggest when it's quiet tand you're rested, try to see life and these changes through her eyes. Understanding her is the first step to helping her.

Next, reflect back to her some of the changes she has experienced. You might say, "we used to be home together and that was fun. Now we have friends here with us. Is that fun? Do you like sharing your toys with our friends? What don't you like about our friends? Listen, listen, listen.
You might designate some of her toys as just hers, if she's sharing them. That's a big change for kids at any age.

Regardless of what she is able to communicate, try to read between the lines. Perhaps some special mommy time together first thing in the morning to fill her love tank, would help her to share you with the other kids. That might mean you get up earlier or have the other kids come 10 minutes later. It's amazing how much 10 minutes of focused attention will do for a child. Perhaps she needs frequent focused times sprinkled throughout the day to remind her that she is your priority and your special girl.

Try not to compare yourself or your daughter! The other kids might be well-behaved because they aren't your kids! Plus, your daughter's response to the changes might be clouding your perspective for now. Either way, acting out is normal with change. She just needs some help adjusting and you modeling some appropriate responses to the changes. Isn't life full of changes? This is an invaluable life-lesson you can teach her.

Another consideration: the "terrible-two's" didn't start for my daughter, unti she was 4. I refer to it as the "that works 4 them, but this works 4 her" stage. Like you, I am blessed with an independant, creative and intelligent girl who is developing into a leader. Leader-types have confident, adventurous and expressive traits that make an impact!

Under stress, the flip-side of our girl's wonderful traits often surface. Like every child (and adult), she has positive and negative characteristics. Under stress, your daughters' confidence might be inconsiderate, her love of adventure - misbehavior and her expressiveness might sound bossy. Shocking at times, I know! But it's important to bear in mind, that all of us have good and bad parts of ourselves and stress brings out the bad in most people. Keep your perspective wide: your girl is a precious gift entrusted to you and your husband.

Your job is to understand, nurture and train her for life. At this stage your task is to cultivate her positive traits and to discipline her negative traits by TRAINING her. Albeit, easier said then done, training by nature is a process that requires simple, consistent attention and time. Resist the urge to change her "now" or have a knee-jerk reaction (we've all done it) and take a deep breath! Kids are not projects that start and finish. They're organic and have lots of ebbs and flows! Thankfully, we have at least 18 years to train, re-train and train again. (I've needed years just to learn how to train - let alone do the training).

Another consideration: Don't miss the heart! Personally, I think the inner character of a child is much more challenging to shape then the outward behavior. Unfortunatly, the outward, often front and center, gets our immediate attention and energy, leaving little left for the heart, hidden, yet profoundly vital to a child's identity, well-being and character. Save something for shaping her heart too! Shepherding a Child's Heart is a good book on the subject.

To me, parenting children is analogous to gardening. Plants, like kids, have basic needs (soil, water and light). However, each unique plant also needs a specific environment for "healthy" growth. My geraniums wilted in the shade on my porch, When I moved them into the sunlight, they stood right up and beautifully declared, "Take a look at me, now!" Do that with my hastas and they will shrivel up, dry out and say, "Forget it, we're done!"

The point is every child needs attention to understanding who she is and time given to crafting a plan that helps "her" to thrive. Given your new home life/business, what does everyone need in order to thrive? Everyone being you, your husband and your daughter. Then consider the friend's needs.

Another consideration: how are you doing with the changes? What are you doing to ensure your healthy growth? Take time to understand yourself and your needs. You aren't the same person you were the first time you were pregnant. Now, you are mommy to a four year old leader-type girl. You are transitioning from work outside of the home to staying at home. Most women feel excited at first, but then the realities of loneliness, boredom from the monotomy of tasks, frustration with unfinished projects, exhaustion from the lack of coffe breaks, lunches, or seemingly endless days. Adjusting to being at home takes time and it's not all fun and games.

Additionally, you just started a home business, which demands attention and energy. Don't underestimate your output and be pro-active in getting the input you need. A happy mom leads to a happy home! What do you need to be: the kind of mom you want to be, the wife your wonderful husband needs and the daycare provider you've recently become?

For some, doing all that would be impossible! I couldn't do it. For others, it's manageable. For yet others, it's necessary.Take note of your limits and live within some margins to ensure that you have some reserves for life's unexpected events. A dose of realism and creativity goes along way in caring for yourself and your family.

It takes time to raise a child, but it also takes time to grow as a mother. Surround yourself with like-minded moms who refuel you. Don't spend your precious time on things that drain you. Especially now when you're output is so high!

Remember, parenting is the hardest job you will ever have, but the most rewarding. Women with alot less know-how and resources have done it for centuries. So, go and be the best mom "you" can be!

God's grace to you!
M. :)

I highly suggest reading the book "1-2-3 Magic." I think you'll find this helpful in correcting your child's behavior. I am sure that part of it has to be that her territory and toys are being invaded, and that will only be more so for her when your baby comes. I have a friend that runs an in-home daycare, and her daughter is allowed to have toys in a separate part of the house from where the daycare kids go. That way, she has some stuff that she doesn't have to share

Good luck!
P.

2 words----Naughty Chair. Its like criptonite to these youngsters,but it gets the point across. 1 minute for every year they are, 4 minutes for yours. Listen to Supernanny, she's great. Good luck-------------------------:)

Hey R.,

There is a section on Dr. Sear's website called "DISCIPLINING BOTHERSOME BEHAVIOR: GENERAL TIPS". Here is the link to it. My baby isn't at that age yet, but I have a feeling that he is gong to be much like your daughter. He's already high needs and quite strong willed. Maybe this might help. I believe he may have a book out on this issue as well.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T063900.asp#T063200

I agree with the last response. I have a 5 year old, along with a 2 year old and one on the way. My oldest is my strong willed, wants her way personality. However, what we sometimes see as a weakness will probably be her strength when she becomes an adult. There is so much going on in their little minds that they can't express what they actually are feeling the right way all of the time. Its our job to figure out what is really going on. Why is she acting this way? Has something happened or changed? Etc.? Over the years, I have noticed that a lot of the out of control blow-ups were over something so tiny to me, but might have been major to her. I responded the exact way I didn't won't her to respond-angry, frustated,pitching a fit sometimes. It's hard and we are human. I found myself expecting her to be a certain way and then I starting feeling like I wasn't expressing an unconditional love for my child. (I'm very analytical.) I really have worked on how I respond to her behavior. And still discipline when it is appropriate, but trying to nip the attitude in the bud before it becomes WW3. You have a lot of changes going on so be prepared to work hard with her new changes, but be patient because she is about to go into a great age. My 5 year old helps out and she now feels special because she is the oldest. She has more responsibility and I can ask for her help and she likes it. Good Luck. p.s. don't think that others are thinking you might be spoiling her or giving her her way, it is hard working with other kids and your own. I always say to parents in my field, of course you love your child the most, she is your child, but we can still want all children to succeed and be happy. You and her should have a special bond more than you and the others, so don't fight that or feel guilty like a parent might think you favor her. Do what you think is right to all of the children and you and she will be fine.

Has this started since you started keeping other children? If so, she may be needing a little extra tlc from mom. It's hard for children to understand that mom needs to pay attention to other children as well as her own when she is being mommy and day care provider at the same time, even for a 4 year old. They sometimes think and act like little grown ups, but their brains are far from able to handle what we think they should be able to handle sometimes. Maybe when you put the others down for a nap, you can take a few extra minutes with just her and read her a special bedtime story or something. Or after the other children have gone home, have some special time with her. It could also be the little one on the way is causing her some insecurity. You are only about 3 months along, but if you have talked to her about the new baby coming, she may think that mom and dad won't have enough love and/or attention left for her. Even though you have several months before the baby arrives, young children don't have the concept of time that we do, she may think the baby will come and take over her life tomorrow. Just spend extra cuddle time with her whenever you can and assure her of your love, even though there are other children in your life right now, and a new baby will be there in a few months. Hope this helps a little bit.

Hi there,

Sounds like you have your hands full! Don't forget that all new things have a transition period, so what you're going through right now might not be the same as in a few weeks.
That being said, as a kindergarten teacher I can tell you that first of all, all kids are totally different creatures with their parents than with their teachers.
Second, all kids have to go through a huge transition when they realize they aren't the only kid in the world. It's natural, and awful. I wish they could always be the center of the world! LOL!
But also, I am sure your daughter does have a strong personality, or is strong willed. I'm certainly not trying to downplay that part. Staying very firm and consistent with the rules she needs to be following is very important with strong willed kids, especially the consistency!!
Good luck!!
B.

Hi, I Feel you pain! My son is 8 and is very "spirited" as well! I would reccomend the book Raising your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka based on the recommendation of other mommies on CentralPiedmontMommies.com I am half way through the book myself and it has a lot of ideas and tips and offering understanding of your spirited child. I wish you luck!

R.,
I had this problem with my !prescious! daughter. I have always been a stay at home mom. When she was still one I watched an infant. My daughter did not like the attention that I gave to the other child. Since she was only with a few days a week she never warmed up to it. I know my daughter was much younger than yours but maybe she is jealous. Only a thought.

Hi R.,
I feel your pain. I have a 4 1/2 yr. old boy. He's strong willed, half dependent, half independent, and gives me his detailed objections about fairness very, very, well. The only real advise I have is to be consistent with whatever you are doing and let her know SERIOUSLY that there is only one grownup here. Especially when around the other kids. They feed off of that stuff. Show her how much fun it is when all the kids share and make things personal to her. Let her know how much it would hurt if no one shared or played fairly with her. You may not be able to deter that bossiness but maybe you can dampen the intensity of it. My boy still has a hard time but it is getting better with time. Good luck

My daughter was the same and today at almost 12 is still yet controlled and very loving. I wouldn't have her any other way. I know she has the confidence today to be a strong young woman and no one will bully her and she will not be the bully. To get to this point was not an easy ride but a lot of understanding on my point and as we begin preteen years I'm sure a great deal more of patience. But taking myself back to the age you are in I remember reading a number of books dealing with strong willed children. I also went to a church counselor and later spoke to the school counselor when she began kindergarten. There was also a program in my community were someone from a local service came to my home for free to help evaluate children for readiness for school. The program was called Leap Ahead. You might have it in your area. The overall key was maintaining calmness in your home, whatever the situation, no hitting, yelling, whatever she does, learn to maintain control of yourself, you are the adult, she is the child, she needs to understand you love her and there are consequences, yet you are not evil. You actually have a child who most likely has traits to be a leader and will eventually be well liked she just needs some self assurance and some guidance. Remember a child's job is to test limits. And that's exactly what she's doing.

I have a very strong willed child. He's also quite active and very smart. Great personality traits in an adult, but very exhausting on the parent when it's your child.

Best advice I've gotten is to take it one day at a time and to not focus on perfection, but strive to make things better than they were before.

just to let you know you are not alone that sounds just like my 4 year old Alyssa. I also am a stay at home mom and am have trouble with Alyssa I'm sorry that right now I can't give you any advice but can let you know your not the only one. maybe we can talk and possibly come up with something. I've always heard two heads are better than one. Good luck and if i try something that works i will send you a message.

hi,
i'm N. be, a yoga therapist.....

children express their discomfort, pain and fear of being alone by expressing.
#1 if it is coming from your child, look at yourself. your child, evidently knows that you are about to be shared with another needy creature....be sure to give her lots of attention, especially when the baby arrives.
#2 if she is acting bossy, someone is modeling that, or not.
children behave to get attention. you may be bossing her around too much, or not providing enough boundaries for her to feel safe. try giving her lots of hugs and wrapping her in cozy blankets and singing to her. play soothing classical music and dance with her. she needs beauty.
#3 children have a deep connection to love, especially up until the point of having their large teeth come in. just keep showing up for her. look her in the eye and hold her so that she knows she belongs. this is moment to moment loving her. she will calm down if you keep at it.

........if you have the money, try to get her into some suzuki music lessons. there may be a chapter of teachers in your area.

peace to you and yours.....N. be @ bodycentering