Need Help with My Fiance

Please, Never settle in life. Talk to him and tell him this is not working. Maybe if you were to leave him he would get the idea.

J.,

Wow I thought it was just me with a man who is like this. I can say he has gotten better though in some respects. He helps out more here and there. It could still be more. I got this bit to happen by making comments here and there. He wants dinner - too tired to make it. Or I would get home after him - get the baby from his parents and he would be home laying on couch. I would tell him dont get too comfortable, if I cant relax when i get home neither can he. Forget the sex thats still none existant, but we will work on it, maybe. Hope things workk out and maybe its just time to sit and talk to him. Good Luck D.

Why don't you try writing him a letter, that way there are no interuptions b/c he'll be reading it all, then have him respond to you, don't probe him.

J.,

I can appreciate where you're coming from. I'm in much of the same situation. I often refer to myself as a single mother because that's what it's always felt like. I pay my bills, I raise our daughter, and I take care of anything and everything that needs to be done. He has changed 3 diapers since we came home from the hospital 16 months ago and he has never fed our daughter. As my SIL often says...I've got a 20 year old and a 1 year old that I'm stuck being the mother of.

As others have pointed out, your comment about winning the lottery holds merit.

That being said here is what I have to offer.

An unplanned pregnancy is hard for everyone involved. It is a huge blessing, but can affect different people different ways. My SO talked the talk but did not walk the walk when it came to supporting my pregnancy. That didn't mean that he didn't care! I felt neglected and left out, but when I'd talk to his friends they'd tell me how he could find nothing other to talk about than how much he cared for me and our baby. I finally began to realize that he was feeling guilty (for "ruining my life" as he put it when I finally got up the courage to confront him about his absent-ness), and frustrated he wasn't able to do more, provide more, etc.

He's a workaholic. He's self empolyed and generally works about 80 hours a week. I've learned to accept the fact that that's who he is. His actions regarding this are NOT a reflection of how he feels about me and it's my choice as to whether or not to be okay with that.

I went through a point that I was convinced his late nights, unanswered phone calls, etc were signs that he was cheating on me. I started snooping, checking up on him, and it turned out he was always telling me the truth. He tells me he's too stupid to cheat and get away with it.

Our daughter is 16 months old now and he is beginning to get involved in her life. Sometimes I think men are just plain terrified of babies. Toddlers are far less scary in their eyes.

I think some soul searching is in order regardless of what you decide to do. Being strong without leaning on anyone else is something that you deserve. It takes a courageous woman to raise a child.

Good luck, and feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to!

Kate <><

HI,

I think maybe you did not get an answer is because I think the first thought would be that he is cheating. That's a hard thing to tell someone. No one could ever say because they dont know him or you. I also think that especially in first births sometimes it can be a little hard for the man, no matter how much he loves this child , to go into adult mode and realize that he is not the most important thing in the world, and he has to now share attention with this child from you, and also there is a life he is responsible. Sometimes it feels like lost youth. If I were in your place I might see what he thought about going out without the baby one night and not working so late a total him night, or see what he thought about you popping in one day (dont tell him what day) without baby for an impromptu lunch. Or just pop in. These might give you some real clues. If he is not into it, i might start to worry.

I hope this helps

Only you could answer this question however, I must reiterate one thing you said. "If I won the lottery I would leave him" As an outsiders perspective, I think you should talk to him about this (which I am sure you have) if it doesn't work leave him. You are too young to be unhappy!!! If you are staying for him for financial reasons you will remain unhappy. As for the possibility of him cheating if I were you I would do a 'lil spying. Just call his office at 9:45 and see if he's there. Once you see that he's there you could forget that thought. Good Luck to you!

I HATE TO SAY SPY ON YOUR FIANCE, BUT THIS WHOLE THING SEEMS A LITTLE STRANGE, SOMETHING IS PREOCCUPYING HIM ,WHETHER IT IS SOMEONE ELSE OR SOMETHING ELSE. HE DOESNT SEEM INTERESTED. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCTS. MAYBE YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT HIS COMPUTER TO SEE WHAT HE IS ACTUALLY DOING ON THE COMPUTER. IF HE WONT TALK TO YOU, I DONT SEE ANY OTHER OPTION, BELIEVE ME I DONT USUALLY RECOMMEND PEOPLE TO SPY ON THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE YOU HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE. WHEN YOU SAID - IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY TOMORROW, YOU WOULD LEAVE HIM, MAYBE TAKE THAT AS A SIGN, DONT WASTE YOUR TIME AND YOUR YOUTH ON AN UNHAPPY RELATIONSHIP, YOU ARE STILL YOUNG AND DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, HOPE THIS HELPS A LITTLE.

Wow J.!

That's a tough situation. Do you think he is feeling a little left out with the pregnancy and the baby or even overwhelmed? So he doesn't know how to handle it? I'm not sure about that.
Maybe try and write him a letter. Don't make it too long so that he feels like he is being attacked by you but explain to him what you did to us. That even though he says all the right things you are feeling lately that his actions aren't the same as his words. Tell him how alone you feel and that you miss him so much. So that he knows your whole life has not become about baby. I had a friend once who's husband was very jealous of the baby and the time she took for her. He knew it wasn't right but he couldn't help feeling it. It took them some time to work through everything. They came close to separating and it took him to see this as his wake up call!
If already you are feeling like you could leave him over this then at some point that needs to become a conversation if nothing else works. Either it will (hopefully) shock him into action or he will be hoping for the same thing. At the least, there would be some resolution and you can both start leading a life. I hope it isn't the case.

N.

I am in no way a professional, but I went through the same thing with my ex-husband. It started before I got pregnant and progressively got worse until we split before my daughter turned 2. It sounds to me like he is cheating or wants to. He displays all of the classic signs: no interest sexually is the biggest! At 26 men still have a greater sex drive than women, and him showing no interest usually means that he is getting that gratification elsewhere. And getting angry when you try to talk about it is a sign that he doing something wrong. It is an easy way for them to deal with their guilt, and much easier than admitting what is really going on. I know you want things to work, so try first giving him options. Tell him that he either needs to talk to you or that you 2 should go to couples counseling. If that doesnt work, I would definately explore your options on breaking away from him. You do not want to feel like this for the rest of your life. See if there is a family member that will let you live with them until you get on your feet. Nothing is immpossible, especially when it comes to your children, you do what you have to do, and sometimes it is better off this way. Good luck and if you would like to talk you can e-mail me @ ____@____.com.

Trying to look on the positive side-perhaps he feels he should work so much to support his family since you have a new baby? His working so much could make him too tired for intimacy. He could also be stressed.

He may feel "out of the loop" as far as taking care of the baby goes. Maybe he needs help bonding with the baby. You've just been through a major life changing event...the birth of your baby and he may be confused as to what his role is in relation to you and the baby.

If you feel the relationship is worth saving, then definitely go to counseling. If it's not worth saving then why continue on being married to him.

Good luck to you. Your daughter, husband and you all deserve to be happy.

I would suggest family therapy. If he isnt willing to do that than maybe you should think about moving on. Its hard when you're in love but if you're that unhappy and the situation isn't improving than you need to think about the life you and your child would have if you stay. I really wish you all the luck in the world. Your choice will be the right one im sure.

Hello, how r u doing?
I heard everything and I believe u will have to take matters in your own hand and start getting yourself together first, find childcare, prepare to find yourself a job because u r a beautiful young woman with a fabulous daughter. U need to ask yourself this question-Do u want your daughter to see your relationship with her daddy? Arguing and Do your daughter need to see her mommy unhappy? If both answers are no then start getting your life together with your child. Meaning, use any resources for childcare and network to find a job, any job. Believe me, once u start changing yourself - he will take notice. Take the power from him and change your life for the sake of your baby.

i have nothing but compasion for you. i guess you need to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. if you dont want to deal with this bad situation, i would leave, if you love him that much, give him a choice of moving on without you or working on a RELATIONSHIP together. try counciling.

I am sorry that you didn't get a respoonse the first time around. Have you tried talking to your fiance? My husband needs to be reminded sometimes that I need him to help me with HIS children. Men, they are like that. it really helped my husband and I when I sat him down and told him what I do. I explanied how much time and effort goes in to taking care of the children, and taking care of him and myself. He finally understood and now helps out whenever I ask. I still have to ask and remind him to help, but he does which is what I really wanted.

As far as your sex life goes, I know what you mean. I have been there and done that! What worked/works for me is to be totally uninterested in sex for a few weeks, but make sure that I wear things that show off everything in all the right places for him. Then he finally gets too worked up and initiates something, and does not just lay there.

hi J.,
I am sorry you didn't get any responses last time you posted. I am a single mom. I was married to a man that was unavailable to me during our brief marriage and my pregnancy. to spare you my history, just know I understand and my advice comes from experience. You said you would leave him if you won the lottery...That says it all J.. You need to establish a source of income for yourself and look into child care. You need to do your homework about what it would take for you to do this alone. You also need to get him to talk. Therapy is an option, at least you might find out what the problem is. See if he wants to work on this...if he doesn't then you can go it alone. I felt like a weight was lifted when I made the choice, however my circumstances were more desperate than yours appear. You both need to communicate, you need to determine why you both want to get married and what you love about one another and work hard at finding out what you both need to do. It is never easy bringing it up but you need to realize that your daughter is going to be raised by both of you, you want that household to be filled with love and respect, not anxiety, stress and resentment. I am sorry for your situation, it is never easy. I don't know where you live but I know great therapist in Florham Park, NJ. It's an hour from me but he is worth it. Good Luck and be strong!!
S.

The golden rule has never been more important... I have been told (and didn't like it at the time) that the way to get my husband to be more compassionate, is to be more compassionate towards him. Make his lunch, offer backrubs, tell him some sports scores of games you know he's be interested in etc;

When you show an unconditional interest in him, he will take notice. Keep a journal if you like, not as a recording of your good deeds, but of how long it takes for him to come around. Everyone has down points, and having an unplanned baby may have really upset him in ways he did not want to express to you to save you pian, or because he may be feeling guilty... Just something to try.

Well I have to agree with most of the women so far. If you already know that if you had the money you would leave then you aren't happy where you are. Do you have family in the area that can help you out? You should get out of the situation as soon as possible. If the two of you truely love each other and are meant to be together then that type of drastic move will open up his eyes. Or it may just open your eyes to the fact that there is a whole world out there that you can be happy in. You might just find out that although you love him you're not in love with him. Basically my advice to you is to think about whats best for your daughter. Do you really want her raised in a house where there is really only one parent while the other is distant and unavailable? In my opinion thats not good for a child. She should be raised somewhere that she knows that EVERYONE around her loves her and wants to be in her life, spend time with her, and just be there for her. If you decide to take this advice and leave then you will see things more clearly because you will have time to think about everything without him there. If he does love you and does want to marry you then he will try like hell to get you back. DO NOT go back right away because things will go right back to the way they are right now. Put conditions on you and your daughter going back. Tell him you want to see a counslor, that things need to change, he needs to slow down on the computer and work. Tell him that you want a "date" night, where once a week the two of you have a "date". Whether you go out or stay in doesn't matter as long as the time belongs to the two of you. Get a babysitter and do anything you want. Or take the baby along and just go for a drive somewhere. Tell him that he needs to start helping with the baby's routine (bath dipers, bedtime story, feeding, anything)and make it HIS job. If and ONLY if he agrees to these thing would I even let him back in my life. You should do the same.
Well I might just be bitter from past relationships but I hope this helps. I'm happier rasing my son on my own then I ever was in an unhappy relationship. Good luck with everything and I hope things work out the way you want them to. Just remember it's better to be single and happy then in a relationship and miserable.

Hey.
I feel your pain. been with fiance @1.5yrs., unplanned pregnancy, works 10 hour days comes home on comp. goes to bed late wakes up late, if he has to stay home with the baby he tries to get his mom or sister to watch him, says all the right things but shows no interest in doing things with us. I think he thinks that if he is in the room...that's speding time with us. We try to spend a few hours in the morning together...but it's me watching and doing everything with the baby and he only aggrivates him. (he thinks it's cute to hear the baby scream...i don't know, i think it's a guy thing) our only diff. is that he always wants sex and i dont and when i talk to him...he trys hard to listen and comment but really doesn't care i think. I have to nag and nag and nag for him to finally clean up something and when he does i have to notice and give him special praise! I feel like he loves me and i know he loves his son to death...so I just put up with it and chalk it up to this is how he was raised and it's not that he doesn't love us and blah blah blah...I know this isn't really advice-y so I guess my only advice is if you;re really really really unhappy and you think you've given your relationship enough time and trys then think about seperating...or let him know you are thinking of it...but make sure you can financially do it before you tell him...and maybe that will show him that you are serious and that you have needs nad he has to be more involved with you and the baby. If you think it might get better...stick it out, try EVERYTHING. make him feel special by doing little things here and there and maybe he'll return the favor. after the baby goes to bed some night give him a massage and maybe that will put him in the mood...ask him to give you one, too. get a baby sitter for the night and go out to the movies or rent..get ice cream...anything. Sometimes i leave the house messy...i let it go and he gets embarassed because his family sometimes comes over or he'll need laundry and then he HAS to do it. And then figure out if any of your problems can be cleared up on your end. I have come to the conclusion taht I am too nitpicky. (this is getting long, sorry) If he doesn't care about a lot...then i try to be just as indifferent, just play with my son and go to work...not really involve him..and he does notice and says something and then i use that as my chance to say...well....you do this so....I don't know. hope I helped. we should call eachother sometime and complain about our fiances, that always helps too!

I have to say talk to him and see what he wants, If he gets mad at you then try counceling,
if he wont do that then leave, I know it will be hard, but you are not married yet, it will be harder after you get married. If you are not happy tell him, If you are afraid to tell him or talk to him then it wont work at all, If he wont talk to you about it then it wont work out in the future.
My first though when I read this was he is cheating on you! I could be wrong but he is young.
He may not be happy either, you to need to TALK. have someone with you when you talk so they can act as a mediator if you cant go to counceling,
He just lays their when you have sex! thats awful. very demeaning to you. I would think he is cheating too.
If you are afraid you cant be on your own. Just think you are on your own already, move on and be happy. you are young
aboviously he isnt in love with you. ya he may love you but being IN LOVE is different. Take care and good luck,

Hi,

My husband and my situation was very similar to yours. He's 25 and the father of our 5 year old and 3 year old, both boys. He loves them to death however after work spends most of his time playing XBox or online. We had an additional problem where he went through a pahse (a 4 year phase) of drinking every night. He would get drunk after work, act like an idiot, and fall asleep on the couch. He's stopped drinking 6 months ago and switched jobs, so things have improved some. He's never going to be the husband I'd like him to be and we don't seem to have much in common besides the kids. Sometimes I don't think we would even be together right now if we didn't have the kids. But I stay because of the kids and because even though I'm not in love with him, I do love him. He has been making attempts to do more with us over the last few months as I've been getting on his case. I also don't want to be stuck with two children on one salary either.
I would encourage you to have a long talk with him and ask him to go to marriage counseling. If he doesn't agree, than go on your own. The last thing you want to do is enter into a marriage when your relationship with your fiance is shaky.

Hi J., My gut reaction to your request is to tell you this guy sounds like a real loser and you should get rid of him. You sound so unhappy and that's not good for you or your daughter. If he's not available to you emotionally what use is it being in a relationship with him? He is still responsible for providing for his daughter financially whether you're with him or not. You should think about building a life for you and your daughter where you can BOTH be happy. Just because he says he loves you doesn't make it true. His actions (or lack of...) say he doesn't love you or care about you much at all. I'm so sorry you're going through these relationship problems at the same time you just became a mom. It must be bittersweet for you. I hope you find the strength you need to focus on your happiness and your little girl's happiness. Jen L.

J.,
hi, i pretty much was/am in the same situation as you. i appologise in advance if this is too long....when i was 1st with my husband, things were great. once we decided to get married, things started to go downhill...but i still married him. once i got pregnant, our sex life STOPPED...he wasn't interested in sex with me AT ALL...even told me that my weight was an issue for him (but i was STILL the size i was, if not a few lbs lighter, then when we met, and even married). i unfortunately lost that baby 11 weeks into the pregnancy, then a yr or so later, i got prego again. once again, he didn't want to have sex (i was actually surprised i was even prego being the fact that we barely had sex since the 1st pregnancy), but we didn't have sex for almost 1 yr. and i KNOW he didn't cheat on me even once! he just lost interest (drugs could've been part of that...which is yet another problem we've had in the recent past) after all this time of him not wanting sex (and his comment a couple yrs back about my weight) I now have lost interest in sex, that and the fact that he (also like your guy) would just lay there, wouldn't even touch me! unfortunately, (since my daughter turned about 6 months) he now wants sex all the time, and i'm the one that just doesn't want to be bothered. he is working all the time too, but it's the season for his job, so it's not like it's going to be all yr long. and i do just about everything for our daughter, i feed her, bathe her, change her, and play with and teach her. once in a blue moon he'll change her if i bug him, and now that we've been having sleep issues (she won't stay asleep when i put her down at night being the fact that she gets NO daddy time during the day now that he works)he now puts her to bed, although he does nothing but bitches about it! i, like you are VERY unhappy, and most of the time, wish i NEVER married him. i love my daughter unconditionally, and would never wish i did anything different that could have stopped us from having her (like you, i could've had her w/out being married to him)...i just wish we NEVER got married, it would have been SOOOOO much easier to leave him! i now feel obligated to him and my daughter to stay, she loves him so much, but i still think about leaving. i have come close way too many times to count, and just about everyone (including his friends) think i should've left him LONG ago! i would honestly say, take time to seriously think about what you want, and if you truely aren't happy, leave. if you have family, go to them and stay with them until you can get yourself together, who knows, MAYBE he'll get his act together and decide that he wants to be a father and husband more then just work all the time. if you need to talk, you can email me at ____@____.com once again, sorry if this was too long! just remember, if you're unhappy, your daughter will be unhappy too, and if you fight, she'll pick up on it, and she'll act up (this is the problem we face right now)...just don't take too long to decide what you want to do, the longer you wait, the harder it is to do what you have to do for yourself and your daughter! trust me...i've waited so long, i almost feel like there is no hope left. good luck, and remember, if you'd like to talk, even if to complain about him...you can write me :o)

J.
Your not married yet...I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Let him know things are not well with your relationship and etc...Only you can decide what's best...and it's not always best for you to stay just because of a child..it could prove to me more harmful...for you and the baby...It sounds like you already know deep in your heart what you want to do...If he's not willing to open up or at least attempt to show some type of improvemet do what you need to do...you don't just have to walk out right away...you can make a plan..save money...and then walk away...I hope things look up and work out for you....Use family and friends as your support system to help you through this!

Ok, I got you covered.
Men are basicaly lazy, and as a woman, even though your work is never done you still have to force yourself to goad him into life with you.
If you are a SAHM, you really shouldn't sweat the child care issues, as long as he starts spending quality time with her. (Which may come at 5 or 6 months when she is more interactive.)
Some men just don't know what to do with baby.
But they do have their good points, and sex gets lazy if you don't throw some fuel on the fire yourself. Think about it.
The other answer is maybe he is cheating. Would you have mentioned that if you didn't have at least a small suspicion?
Is he really working on the computer?

I would drop him. If you have the means and opportunity to get out then I would. He probably won't even know that your gone. He actaully kinds of sounds like my husband a little. If he is doing this now....just imagine how he might act after your married. I don't mean to offend you if I did, but if it were me I would just leave and the baby with me.

i hope i helped

Hey J. im sorry to here whats going on in your relationship.I been married twice im still with my 2nd husband.But i was with my youngest sons father for 3yrs this was after my divorce from my first husband and he didnt want to be respnsable for his son i stayed in the relationship cause i wanted my son to have his father and i was misserable and he would go ot every night.Come to find out after i left him he was cheating on me but iknow what its like not wanting to leave him.I realized laiter that i was better off without him.Life is to short to be unhappy.Like everybody else had told you only you know whats best for you.Also i tell my kids this and my friends i also have 3 older children dogs have sex if you have no conversation you have to go.

I had a problem like this with my husband. I mad him talk to me about it. We have been separated for almost 4 months now. Talk to him about it, go to counsling if both willing to work on it. You might get lucky and find where the problem is to fix it before it is to late. I am now raising 2 children basically on my own while he figures out his life. Talk to him

I'm not sure if you have gotten this response before or not but tell him that you feel neglected. If he doesn't respond or doesn't understand explain it to him. Sometimes god love them but men don't see things that are so apparent in front of them.. If that doesn't work tell him that you have got to have things change or maybe you need to rethink getting married right away. You could also take intrest in what he is doing maybe you can get in that way.