Need Husband Advice ....

If you find any answers, let me know. I have been married for 18 years. Before we had kids, my husband always helped around the house. He doesn't do so much now. We have a 13 year old and a 7 year old. I work 5 days a week and he also works nights. I have tried going out of town for a weekend and it is the same when I get home.

Sweetie I feel for you.
My ex was the same way. When I remarried, my new hubby and I sat down and wrote out what was done on what days and posted it on the fridge. Now I never have to ask for the laundry to be brought to the laundry room, trash is always outside by Tuesday evening and he helps keep things neat. We have a blended family of 5 kids ranging from 20 down to 9 and the house can be considered a disaster area at times.
My neat trick is I keep baskets in different parts of the house and when something has "migrated" from its place then I place it in the basket and when the basket has 3 big things or 6 or more small things in it I stop and go put them each away. Its easier this way as it reduces the number of trips you will have to make.
Hopes that this helps some!

i am 30 years old and the mother of 4 kids, ages 7, 6, 2, and 7 months. my hubby and i both work full time jobs. his mom keeps the kids when we both have to work. my shifts are 12 hours and so i only work 14 days a month. we have a 50/50 situation at our house. we have been together almost 9 years. if i cook, he cleans the kitchen. if he cooks, i clean the kitchen. he likes to do the laundry and i like to mow. he watches the kids when i work. he helps with baths and cooks. he changes diapers and helps with homework. we came to an agreement a long time ago that we would split the work since we both work full time jobs. it's only fair to split the housework 50/50 because you both work and both live in the house. just because your the wife doesn't mean you have to do everything. if you didn't work i would probably say different, but you do work, so he needs to share in the cleaining because you deserve a break, so what if he lets you sleep in 3 days a week. you need time to yourself other than sleeping. you and him both need me time. his me time is the video games. you need something for youself to get away from the house, him, work, and the baby. or else the stress is going to get to you eventually and you will begin to hate your hubby. sit him down and say look help or else i am gone, dont really leave, just say that because it will probably open his eyes and make him realize you're serious. or... hold out on sex, that works too! he needs to listen to you. why are yall married if it's not 50/50 and if hes not listening to your needs. he wants you to be miserable? if he loves you than he will have to listen, and tell him that. if he loves you he will split the house work. you both work jobs, both bring home the money, both make the house messy. you're not his mom. it takes the both of you to make the family run smooth. when we have a prob with each other, we normally will almost be in a fist fight arguing, because the other doesn't want to hear they have something wrong with them. we get mad at each other for awhile but always give in and fill the request of whatever changes need to be made. that's the only way a family will work. listening, understanding, and everyone helps. my older two, they help me. i dont baby them. i dont clean their rooms. i refuse. i make them. so when the baby gets older make sure you dont enable them either. when they are old enough to help thats when you give them a chore. responsibility early makes the child more responsible. my 2 year old knows how to help pick up toys. i showed him how. if you realize you're enabling, hes letting you. he knows you'll do it for him because you dont complain on a daily basis. start complaining everyday and he'll eventually get sick of the griping. M.

Hi A.. I also have been married for 6 years now and I was in your same position when our first baby was only 6 monhts old. It seemed the TV Show was more important than watching Thomas roll over for the first time. I just asked him one day what was more important to him, the TV or his child and of course he chose Thomas. Since Thomas was about 1 year old, my husband has done what needs to be done. Yeah he says all the time that there are a lot of things he wished he did not have to do but remind him that supporting and raising a family is more than brining in money and putting food on the table. His mother is like a slave to his dad. His dad comes home and sits in front of the TV and his mom cooks, brings him a drink and cleans the entire house. Mind you she did all this while raising my husband and working full time. I just decided that my life was not going there and he was going to lift a finger if he expected to stay here.

At some point you just draw the line. Maybe take turns bathing or cleaning the kitchen. He plays with the boys in the tub every night and that is his chore. I pretty much do everything else and take them to the doctor. He cannot get off work as easy as I can. I work at home so I have a schedule in 30 minute increments and I schedule EVERYTHING. All the way down to how much TV we watch including my husband. He needs to cherish the small moments with the little one so she can get to know him.

By the way, what do you do at the Hospital??

I would take a lazy husband who let me sleep in 3 days a week ANYTIME!!!!! I say your lucky...I have a 2 year old and 10 mos old and I haven't gotten 3 consecutive hours of sleep since 2004!!

I feel your pain! My husband is the same way. The only way to get him to do 1 thing around the house is to scream and yell at him. Gentle prodding doesn't work, asking nicely doesn't work, subtle hints don't work. He works 3rd shift, so dinner is sometimes ready when my son & I get home from daycare & work. He does give our son a bath, too, but I usually need to get on him for that, too. After that, it's pointless. I, like you, do 99% of the housework, taking care of our son, and trying to be myself. Since he does work 3rd, he leaves a little before 10pm, that's when I have time to do the housework. It's rough, I know exactly how you're feeling right now, trust me. I don't have any advice to give because I'm in the losing battle that you are in. I'm here for ya, though! Good luck, and if you find anything that works on him, let me know!!

You could try this...
Sit down and make a list of everything that needs to be done around the house, list everything from mowing to laundry to cooking to bath time for baby to taking out the trash. Ask your husband to sit down with you and then ask him what he feels like he can be responsible for every day/week. Make a list of what he will agree to do on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, etc and what you will be responsible for. Put up a calendar on the fridge and write who will do what on each day. In the first couple of weeks be very vocal about how much you appreciate his help when he does what he says he will do. Your husband will know when he comes home from work that he has his few things to do and then he can sit and watch TV, play his games, or do whatever he wants. This will work if you can both hold up your end of the deal.

Good Luck!

all men do this. they have to be told or asked to do things. you want him to do something ask him to or remind him. And as far cleaning the house relax and enjoy your daughter , theres no rule saying you have to have a spotless house. and with kids I don't think its possible.

I really beleive that is the same story I have been preaching for 7 years. The only thing that has changed, is the way I ask for help. I dont say "your forgot" or "are you gonna" or "you need to" I just say, Trash, or Cloey needs a bath and I am doing the dishes, or I could really use your help real quick. I have just changed things around a little bit. If I tell my husband what to do or complain he will not do it, and then I am mad all day, and contemplating how I could afford an apartment on my own lol, I get over that quick. I also let him know that little things, like making up the bed or putting the clothes in the hamper is a BIG deal and REALLY helps me. Those are small tasks that are hard for him to forget and easy for him to do. Hope this was helpfull, Good Luck and dont forget he is a man. :)
M. Ann

A.,
I also thought my husband was going to be more helpful after our first child.WRONG!!!I was working well over 40 hrs a week (and weekends)taking care of the house, laundry, bills,erands, 40lb bags of dog food, and groc. I was at my whits end. My blood pressure was up, I started back smoking I lost all of the baby weight all the way down to 112. When the people I work with started asking me what was wrong I almost broke down. It is so hard on you mentally and physically. I stoped washing his clothes and even buying anything for him. Just to make him ralize he was taking advantage of me. (wrong I know,but it felt good.) I finally sat down one night after the baby went to bed and I told my husband either he quit the vol. fire dept. and hunting or I needed a div. because I will not live like this. And my child will not grow up in a house where we can not get along as a family. Well, we both realized how much we loved each other and did not want to part. After then I went to the beach (Myrtle Beach) for an entire weekend with a close friend of mine and told him if he needed anything call his mother. Unless they were at the hosp. My boy is now 5yrs and I have a girl 11mths. He now ralized how much he missed the first 2 yrs with the boy. All I want to do is make him tell me "You were right all along." but of course I don't. I am just glad he realizes this before she grows up too. I'll be praying for your family.

First off, you HAVE TO KNOW YOU MOST DEFINATELY ARE NOT ALONE!!! I believe that this is a LOSING BATTLE. It seems that the guys do TRY in their own ways. They get better when they are spoken to/nagged for a time things improve. But...OVERALL nothing ever changes when it comes right down to it!!! Let's face it ladies the MEN.....ARE ALL WIRED THE SAME!!! It can turn into a bad situation over time where seperation or divorce would be thought about and maybe wanted by one or both of you at some point. We have to pick our battles. Decide what's REALLY IMPORTANT TO US!!! I definately WOULD NOT HAVE ANY MORE CHILDREN as sad as that is to say, because it'll only get worse. Your work load will only INCREASE AS WELL AS YOUR STRESS AND FRUSTRATIONS!!! Make a list of things that need to be done. Star the ones that HAVE TO BE DONE TODAY. Cross the things out when you are finished and start the star thing each day and the same with crossing things out. I USE TO BE A NEAT/CLEAN/ORGANIZED FREAK!!!! I've learned over MANY YEARS OF DOING IT ALL..., IT'S NOT WORTH IT!!!!!!!! I do only what I HAVE TO DO and let the other stuff go. If I'm the only one who notices or cares then...WHY BOTHER!!! You want to know when my house REALLY GETS CLEANED.... when I have someone coming over. Company isn't a common thing, because EVERYONE is TOO BUSY to really go visiting. Saves myself from the WORK AND STRESS. Ha! Ha! I think if you and friends do want to get together then GO OUT SOMEWHERE ELSE. This way...you can HAVE STRESS FREE FUN AND GET AWAY. I was working and still doing it all for the most part. Like most women I got the occassional effort. We have to choose our battles and FOCUS on the good before we do lose what is in fact a better thing than what some woman have to deal with. THERE ARE SO MANY PROBLEMS OUT THERE!!! I hope you find peace girl I REALLY DO!!! Wishing you the BEST. :-)

Well I would procrastinate on the things that he asks you to do. For instance, if it's your job to make dinner and do the laundry, put it off until you feel like it. And when you do get around to making food, make something spectacular for yourself, i.e. roasted chicken with garlic and herb potatoes and glazed carrots but make him something that comes out of the microwave and looks less than appealing. When you do laundry, do your clothes and the baby's clothes. If your husband has a job that is labor-intensive, I would wash his uniforms (no one wants a smelly hubby!)but not much else. After a few days of this if he hasn't brought up your cold shoulder, tell him that the way you were acting is the way you perceive him to be acting and that you are sinking. You two are a partnership. A team cannot sustain itself with only 1 member doing the work. Remember, men need appreciation, so when you're discussing how you feel, tell him how much you appreciate the things that he is doing, you just wish he'd help out a little more. As for the video games, maybe you can come to an agreement where he plays for an hour a day, or 5 hours a week. I hope this helps!!!

I am right there with you...i think its a male syndrome in general...i have gotten to the point that there are certain things i refuse to do (his laundry, buy the foods he wants, etc)...he gets mad, i tell him "get over it and do it yourself". And mine never lets me sleep in and he never gets up with our son. I do love him, but i do intentionally put a burr in his butt a few times/week to make him move. Good luck, let me know if anything works...i have tried the "sit down" talk, he responds as yours does and lists that i give him (that fires him up), etc.
Let me know if anything realistic works.
Lisac

LOL, it is all pretty familiar. Well, I just tell my hub on Saturdays that it is time to clean the house and he needs to help so he has to pick a chore, while I do another till we are done. I guess I laid the law before we got married and that helped, I told him at the time if he did not like it he better find somebody else.

Your life sounds like a dream! My husband has been in Iraq for a year and comes back this week to leave for school in a month. I have a 6 year old, a 2 year old, and a 3 month old. I also have 2 dogs, and a house with a big yard. I'm hoping to talk my mom into staying with us so I can go to school and have time to actually do my homework. Feel better about your husband?

I am not an expert but I would say you need a break. Call the in-laws or your parents (or a good friend) and ask them to keep the baby for a night or two. Your husband is not the only one who can help!! Use those grandparents as often as possible. My in-laws (fantastic people) love to keep my little ones & I am a stay at home mom. One rule in our house - as for cleaning - one cooks (usually me) and the other cleans. And trust me - I leave them for him - unless he is very tired from work or if we have eaten late & it is time to get the kids ready for bed. Another thing - he gives our 2 year old a bath every night (unless he is tired, needs to work on something or is out of town). I have the kids all day and I think it is important for him to bond with them & bathing our son, reading him a story & putting him to bed is his JOB!! So - try do something that works for you. If you like cleaning certain things but hate to vacuum - then let him vacuum. But more importantly - take time for you - even if it is a bubble bath every once and a while.

Ok....here we go. My husband is similar, he does no house work unless specifically asked...hes maybe changed the 1 yr olds diaper 3 times since he was born he works 12 hour shifts and does most of the bill running and paying b/c he had been having the car, he too plays xbox..fav past time..or computer. Only different is me and my husband have come to accept one another for what each of us do individually for the family instead of pointing the finger at who does more work than who. I do the kids and the house, he works to pay the bills. He works harder physically, I work harder mentally with the 2 kids.It sounds like your husband has always been this way, your just getting tired of what you consider his lack of involvement in the home/work and kids.I can tell you that this is most certainly NOT something to be leaving him over....not even close.Instead of finding things he DOESNT do, try appreciating the things he DOES do and asking him to do the same for you. Maybe its not that he doesnt do enough that crawls your skin..maybe its that he actually has time to sit and relax and you feel you dont...but you have to do as he is doing...MAKING time for yourself.I have been with my husband 10 yrs now, 7 married and b/c I truely love him and couldnt live without him I dont sweat over the minor things he does that annoys me. For exzample, anytime a song comes on the radio on the car that I like he likes to sing along and change the words....this drives me crazy...bonkers even. Especially when Im really just wanting to hear the song...but regardless I laugh with him and accpept that I could hear the song another time and just laugh with him for the moment..no big deal. He also just wont stop throwing his nasty, smelly clothes off the bathroom floor (he works at a resturant named Sconyers) and his clothes usually smell a mix of pig blood and hash/sweat and mild sauce...absolutely cant stand that either..along with the ashes he always means to hit the bathroom trash can but hits the bathroom floor behind the toilet that breaks my back to clean behind...but regardless every time I go to clean in there I take a big sigh and sometimes even a "Damn that man" and clean it up thankful that he's home.What Im basically trying to say is if you dont like your schedule then arrange them so that its less stressful on you without EXPECTING from him...it only makes you more mad to expect and not recieve that to do it yourself and get it done right the first time.Hes not doing this to intentionally make you mad,but its also a losing battle to fight him on it.Try to compromise with him, like tell him you'll do something for him/wether is be then or an IOU (my husband still owes me one for going to get the 4 yr old and bringing him to our bed)Lets just say you dont need to call the counsler to work through who does what chores...a minor problem and certainly not something to lose love over.GL

Btw, Hillery has good intentions...but if your husband is anything like mine, and lots of other manly men...if you try to dummy things down to them like their children or try the chart thingy like we do for kids b/c we dont expect them to remember everything...then you may actually make him not want to do it anymore...then it gets added to their "what's on my I dont wanna do,but wife is making me do" part of their brain..and we all know what happens there...they dont do as good of a job and show resentment later.Despite his rebelious bhavior he's not a child so no need to insult him by treating him like one. Usually I don't say or do something to my husband that I would get mad about if he done to me.

Hi Autum:
I don't know if my advice will help or not but here I go :)
I think all new parents have to go through the process of adjusting the new creature "baby" into their lives, obviously, you are going through that phase. There are two things that you can do, which worked with me greatly.
1. Get somebody who comes to clean for you, once or twice a month, in this way, you won't feel so frustrated when your husband makes a mess because you know somebody will come to rescue you soon.
2. Teamwork, set up a plan to follow, pick one day of the week where you make it "cleaning day" meaning that you both devote those 3-4 hours to deeply clean the house, once or twice a month. In this way, he will appreciate having the house clean since he plays a big role in making this happen. In order to succeed on this option you have to be very discipline and assertive with your husband until he gets hooked up to the housework.

Good Luck!!

I think we're all in the same boat. The most loving, dedicated man is still a MAN, and God made men and women quite different from each other! We tend to see what needs to be done and we take action on it. They truly do not think that way. My husband is my best friend and we can talk through these things, but we still struggle on this issue. He's made it clear to me that he really needs me to just tell him what I need done. I feel like I shouldn't have to tell him and that he should be able to look around and see what needs to be done, like I do. But I've tried to do better at telling him what he needs to do. He doesn't always react wonderfully, but he told me to stick with it even if he doesn't react well. So that's how we do it and over time, he has started knowing what he needs to do. Gary Smalley has some great books on marriage and the differences between men and women. "Hidden Keys for a Loving, Lasting Marriage" is one of them. His perspective has helped both of us see a little of how the other person thinks and it also helps us to joke about our mis-communications.

Wow, I think you just described my husband! HA, no joke. He is the same and I think that they know we are going to do it so why even do it. The difference between you and I is that I stay at home so I expect I'll do all the house work but its the little things, like simply picking up after yourself, that would be very much appreciated. I think that you have a great husband who is honestly trying but he's a man, and needs to be trained! I have not great advice only that you aren't alone which might make you feel better. Good Luck!