Need Relationship Advice; Should I Leave My Son's Father?

Updated on January 04, 2007
M.P. asks from Chicago, IL
15 answers

Hi moms,*****Sorry for the length but it's important.**********
I need help. I'm seriously thinking that leaving my son's father is the best thing to do...for me. We've been living together (me, our son 4 yrs., his father) for 1 yr. and a half now. (Backround: We've been together for 7.5 years, our relationship has been a rocky road I'd say due to our age I'm 23 he's 26, we lived together while I was pregnant through my son's birth in 2002' but when my son was six months I moved in w/my mom because he didn't help me at all!, then he was unemployed for a long time and was not active in his son's life at all, we use to verbally argue all the time-why? I was angry with him for not helping me with our son and not doing the things a father is supposed to (and he just doesn't get it, never has and never will). My biggest complaint at this moment is I'm the only one who cooks, cleans, does laundry, shops and takes care of our son. He goes to work and takes out the garbage, that's it. From 5:00 till he falls asleep he sits in his chair and watches TV. I could be living alone it would be no different. (Oh yeah I just wouldn't have someone always bugging me for sex.) Granted it is a one bedroom apt., but still a little help would be great. For instance Tuesday night perfect example: I wk. FT, go home get dinner started, vacuum while dinner's cooking, eat, go the laundrymat by myself, get home, put son to sleep, unload clothes, then I did the dishes, I didn't get to sleep till 1AM. He could have done the dishes just to do something nice for me, but he doesn't see it that way. I didn't make a fuss, I just ignored him like the plague. The nxt day he brought it up. "What's wrong with you" he asks. "You could've did the dishes last night" I said. "What dishes I didn't see them" he replies. (we live in a 1 bedroom rm apt. not a four story mansion, he's lieing, what are we 12?) Then he says "If you can't do all of the stuff your supposed to, what good are you? This is your job, your taking care of your family. What good are you?" Not the first time he's told me this. Wed. night he continues to bring up the sore subject, he procedded to get mad at me I was called a Dumas*, a bitc*, and F.U. twice. This is NOT the first time an evening like this has played out. I told him "I'm not your maid", he says "If you don't like it you can move back home". Througout our relationship I have always taken him back, I've always tried to keep us together working like a family should. I grew up without my dad and it sucked. So I'm trying to give my son a life with his dad. But at the same time i don't see how I can live like this for the rest of my life. So I don't know what to do. My gut says leave him ASAP. But what a huge step, leaving my son's father. Moving out! It worries me just thinking about it. He's obviously not going to help me around the apt. like he has said he would previously. It's just a huge step and once I make it, that's it, no going back. I will not go back to him after this break up. If he loved me wouldn't he change? I think his mother doing EVERYTHING for him and his Mexican way of thinking is too strong to change for me. Then I think of my aunt who tells me men don't do anything around the house and that's just how it is. My brain just isn't okay with that. Maybe if I loved him more I wouldn't mind. Am I mad over nothing? Are women going through this all over the world and just not complainning about it? Should I leave and cause a ruccus throughout my little family/life? A couple more things that bother me he won't help me pay for my son's school tuition he says because I picked such an expensive school, but I don't recall him researching to find a school. No that's not his concern, it should be! but that's my job. Last night there was a meeting for parents to learn more about the school. He didn't want to go. Knowing what they're teaching our child should be very important to him. That bothers me, he doesn't want to be a part of our lives unless we're doing what he wants. Selfish and childish beyond belief. I could go for hours. I'm hoping some of you have some wisdom/experience/advice that will help me make my life altering decision. Thank you for your time/help.

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So What Happened?

Thank you all so much for your replies. Your stories are invaluable to me. Everything all of you said I know you're all right. I respect all of you, feel close to all of you, and god bless all of us. So we talked/argued and I was going to move out. Then as usual he lost it; he begged me not to go, begged and cried and made a bunch of promises. Nothing has changed; he does the dishes sometimes. He's still selfish, lazy, and in his own world. If I was a single mother my life would be no diiferent. Pathetic I know. Then I found out I'm pregnant. A blessing. I have no problem being a single mother of two living with my mother. But for some reason I'm not strong enough to pack it up and leave. I'm trying to not even argue with him (verbally) for the sake of my son. I'm going to have the baby. What am I going to do concering this man I live with that I hate. I don't know. Leave. But when?

More Answers

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E.B.

answers from Portland on

OMG M., get out, and get out FAST!!! As mothers, we have many hats to wear, and being talked to like trash and under appreciated is NOT one of them!!! You do not to be in this kind of abusive relationship, and what is even more terrible, is that you are inadvertantly teaching your little boy how to treat women....not a good thing!!! Tell this A**hole to get lost!! There are so many programs for financial assistance for single mothers out there, and if your parents are willing to let you move back, go, and DO NOT let this jerk do this to you any longer!!!
Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful
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L.S.

answers from Chicago on

If your Momma will have you, go home. I am not saying to dump him, you just need support. If your Mother can give it, take it. Life is hard when it all rest on your shoulders. Good Luck!

1 mom found this helpful
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K.

answers from Chicago on

M.,
Trust your gut on this one. I am very sure that it will be really hard being alone at first, but this man doesn't sound like he's doing you any favors. He doesn't make you happy, he doesn't make you feel good about yourself, and he isn't good to you. You are young and have plenty of time to find another man who *will* do all of those things - but you will never find that man when you are still living with your son's father. There are many resources to help you with childcare and getting on your feet financially. Take advantage of them and get on with your life. I'm sorry that you have been put into this situation, but if there's one thing I've learned over the years it's to trust my gut - it's never lead me to make the wrong decision.

Good luck and hang in there - things will look up, and you're doing a great job being a mom!

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C.E.

answers from Chicago on

If you stay - - your son will do this to his wife. If you are OK with that then stay with him, otherwise get out.

If it were me, I would have been long gone. The majority of men are not that way - your partner is an exception. He is also apparently an abusive, lazy, and uncaring as#$!&. You deserve better and your son deserves a better example of how a man and father behaves.

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D.X.

answers from Chicago on

Your husband sounds a lot like my husband. Ooops.....make that my EX husband. I gotta tell you, I had the same exact feelings as you, and for me, the decision to GET THE HELL OUT, was agonizing. But once I made that decision, the rest was a piece of cake. My life got so much better!!! I am now basically a single mom to a 3 1/2 year old, but there is a beautiful peace to my life (or as much peace as there possibly be while living w/a pre-schooler!). I joke w/my friends that being divorced from my husband is exactly like being married to him, only cheaper. I still do all the work, but it is only for myself and my son. My husband and I did NOTHING together, since I worked full-time (he didn't work AT ALL). And when I got home from work, I had to take care of the baby (after I picked him up from daycare...don't even go there on the whole daycare issue...), make dinner, clean up, bath the baby, do the laundry, etc. I am so glad I got rid of my husband, I cannot even TELL you how happy I am.

Good luck w/your decision. Oh....one final quote..."The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for." - Simone De Beauvoir

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R.M.

answers from Chicago on

I agree that from the way you describe your life, it would not make sense for any of you to continue to live this way. Your son does see the tension and it does affect him. Make a plan and act on it to improve your life. Your son's father should help financially and hopefully will be involved with his son.

I would say one more thing for you to consider as you move on with your life. No one (partner, parent, or child) will know what you expect of them unless you have a discussion with them (not yelling at them, not ignoring them, not desperately hoping they'll do what you want because "they should know what you want"). No one can read your mind. When you get into a new relationship, be open and communicate about what you need, want and expect - it's the only way to stop the type of life you describe. Patterns are easy to fall into, even when they're not best for you. Consider changing your communciation style now to break those patterns and you and your son will be so much happier in the long run.

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M.H.

answers from Chicago on

This story sounds a lot like my experience with my WHITE husband. Being from a hard working Mexican family everyone had to work, so everbody pitched in at home- the women and the men- and that was my concept of how families worked. If your husband is spoiled by his mother, it's because he's spoiled, not his "Mexican way of thinking". My husband behaved the same way. He comes from a White, Southern California family and his mother was a school teacher, so she was all about the kids and had a work schedule that matched her kids'. She did everything for him and was like a perfect Betty Crocker mom. When I couldn't live up to that he insulted me and told me that he and my daughter deserved better than what I was doing, all the while not lifting a finger around the house and barely helping with the baby. Things escalated and now we are getting a divorce. I would tell you that you need to keep in mind that the relationship you exhibit is the one your son will model. I know it's hard to decide whether or not to leave when a child is involved, but I based my decision on the knowledge that I had truly tried EVERYTHING I could to make it work. I take my marriage seriously and probably stayed longer than I should have, but I am secure in the choice I made because I truly gave it every effort. In the end, I was in a relationship that I would never want for my daughter and I made the best decision I could. Good luck to you and I hope if you do break up and date again, you don't assume any guy will be better just because he isn't Mexican.

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E.S.

answers from Austin on

It sounds like a perfectly horrible situation. Perhaps you need to give yourself permission to leave this man who obviously is so selfish and uncaring that he lets you do all the work and then calls you names. This is a horrible environment to raise a child. And do you want to end up raising a child who grows up to be like his father? Your son is probably better off without a male example like the one he has. Having a bad role model is worse than not having one at all. There are men out there who value and love women. Men who help around the house and care for their families. Doesn't sound like you found that one. Keep looking. No one deserves to be treated like you are being treated. And a son deserves a good mother and FATHER! Good luck.

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V.M.

answers from Chicago on

hello there! I am a mother of 2 ! (6 + 10) I also work 32 hrs. a week. I have the same problems...... we live in a 2 bedroom apt. and have 2 go 2 the laundry mat. I work,cook,clean,laundry,shop and more. mine helps out sometimes but most of the time I'm bitching cuz he doesn't. the garbage is his but there r alot of times when I'm taking it out cuz I'm sick of looking at it. I think his mother babyed him tooooo much!!!!!!!! and he is Irish and german. I stay together 4 the kids but I'm not happy so u do what make u happy.

N.P.

answers from Chicago on

Holy moses. Dump him. Hopefully he makes the effort to see your children. If not, then hopefully you can do your best to help your children understand. I am sorry!! Be careful.

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A.O.

answers from Chicago on

without a question, leave. if not for your sake then for your son's. i speak from experience, the day that i finally said enough is enough and 'it' moved out, i was doing somersaults. we lived together up until my son was 16 months and because he was never around, didnt do anything around the house, didnt contribute financially, sat around and watched tv while my son was by him and had the gall to call this activity 'spending time with him', when he left my son didnt feel it at all. he never asked for him when he was around and after he left didnt ask for him either. you will be doing the right thing without a doubt.

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N.D.

answers from Chicago on

kids thrive on guidance in a safe loving home. Staying with your husband Just to Keep the Family Together is not worth it. Kids sense a lot and it affects them in ways we never realize.

Tell your husband you are not happy the way things are, and would like to give the marriage a try if he would consider marriage counseling. If he doesn't want to go, then you can consider seeing a therapist to sort out your thoughts. In any case, if he expresses no interest in working on your relationship, or building a relationship with his child, then it may be best to move in with your mother. What kind of role model is he being to your child??

I have worked with a lot of Spanish patients and co-workers and have seen this attitude you mention about your husband. In most cases these women have left them and pursued happier lives as a single mom but with their kid(s) living in a loving home. You are perfectly self-sufficient and your child will be able to grow up in a loving environment.

No, this is not normal behavior of a father. Many cultural beliefs cause these people to act they way they do, but it is not justifiable. As a parent you should be very involved in your child's life. Many women do not have the courage to leave their partners, and as a result they and their children lead unhappy lives. You have the courage to do so, so get counseling and get out if u see that is fittest.

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R.K.

answers from Chicago on

Wow! The scariest thing (when you are in this kind of a situation) is the unknown. But plenty of moms have done it and continue to do it (I was one for a couple of years).

Take a deep breath and jump! I understand that you would like to provide your son with his father, but think about what lessons he is learning by watching the two of you. And children learn a lot more by watching. He’s going to learn how to be verbally abusive, he will learn how to manipulate women to get what he wants, he will learn lessons that I’m sure that you don’t want him to learn if you stay.

When you feel hesitant or confused about what you should do, look at your child and want the best for him. That will clear your mind of any doubt. Good luck.

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A.P.

answers from Chicago on

Hi. I just wanted to let you know that all men are NOT like him!! You have to do what is right for you and your family...but personnally, I would NEVER put up with that. In all the years I have been with my husband (7) he has NEVER called me any type of bad names or f you or f off. I would not tolerate such disrespect. You are worried about taking your son away from his father, but is that the behavior you want your son to learn? He will think that is how you are supposed to treat women and will grow up acting just like his ignorant father. My husband does ALOT around the house and is so much a part of our kids' lives. You can find the same thing for yourself and your son, just because another man may not be his biological father..doesn't mean he won't be a better father than his real one. Don't settle for anything less than what you want out of life. You are young..as you get older you will realize that you don't have the time or energy to deal with idiotic people and will not drag on the situation. Fix your life now so you don't look back and regret all the time you spent with the wrong person..in the wrong situation.

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S.

answers from Chicago on

He does not sound like he is healthy for you or your son! I can't tell you what to do but it sounds like you are smart and know what is right and wrong. Go with your gut! You are too young to waste your and your sons life! Life is precious and goes very quickly! Live life to the fullest so you and your son have the best opportunities in life.

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