Need Some Advice - Corpus Christi, TX - Mom with 6 kids

N. -
I am not offering advice but YOU ARE A WOMEN OF GOLD!!!
Hang in there! Why not have the older kids - kid sit...for an afternoon...where the 2 of you can go to a park and picnic. Cheap, Easy and relaxing.....
You Go Girl!

Hi N.,

A huge quality in a marriage is communication. Try to take a moment and make time to tell him how you are feeling. He may be feeling the same way too. Always let him know that with this busy schedule you both have, that you miss him and you miss being w/him. Always let him know how much you love him. Leave him notes around the house, in his car, in his lunch, text him just to let him know you are thinking about him. Little things like that make a big difference in a marriage. Right now it's tough but soon you guys will be having a better life. Good luck!

N.,
You're on overload woman! With all those kids, dogs, work and school it's no wonder you feel off balance. Is there something you can do to cut the load a little? Maybe take your classes down to part-time and online? Can you deligate some of the responsibilites to family members who can babysit so you and your hubby and grab a second alone once a week?
I put myself into that position once and it almost destroyed me. You need to remember to not be so tough on yourself while you're going through this. It IS normal to suddenly have created too much in your life and feel overwhelmed. You have done this ~ so you must decide what is MOST important to you now. Your faith comes first, and that you seem to have...your marriage comes second, so it really doesn't matter that you and your husband achieve all of this to better your life for your children if in the end it tears you apart. In other words...could you live under a bridge with this man if you had too? Think about it...if you truly love him that much, then you need to let some of these unimportant things go. Concentrate on providing what your children NEED and concern yourself with focusing on your relationship. Exercise together if possible, that will take away some stress, give you time with just him and help you to get the weight down. It will also help with the depression.
Now, the dogs. Holy cow lady! With 6 children you brought in 3 dogs???? That's like an additional and un-needed stress right there! I love dogs too, but how much are they helping your life? Teach yourself to say no! It is hard, I know, they look at you with those cute little furry faces and you believe in your heart that they were meant for you and your family, right? Wrong! God has a sense of humor ~ remember that!
Let's take inventory...
You have a loving husband ~ check!
You want the passion back in your life ~ check!
You feel over-weight ~ check!
You have 6 kids to provide for ~ check!
Simplify wherever possible and disciplin yourself to do it. Communicate these things with your husband, and not in a whimpering way. Men hate that and they will immediately reach for the mute button in their heads.
Best of luck ~ I feel your pain and I will have you and your family in my prayers. I pray that peace will come to you soon.
God bless,
Deborah

It's great that you are working toward helping your kids with college tuition. It would also be great if you had a family meeting with those kids and explained to them that in order for you to accomplish this, you need their help now. The older kids need to take over housework (cooking, cleaning, shopping) and taking care of the younger kids and the pets. You cannot do it all. Family is wonderful, but 2 people cannot make a family run, it takes everyone pitching in. Schedule a night out with your husband immediately. Even if you only have time to get a quick dinner, you must spend time alone without the kids. An older one can watch the younger ones. You must put your relationship with your husband higher up on your list of priorities. Nothing else matters if your relationship with your husband falls apart. You can do it! I don't agree that you should cut back on school, like others have suggested. Keep it up and get it done, but enlist the help of your kids, or other family members. You can't do it alone. Good luck.

Sounds like College isnt right for you at the moment. If possible I would finish the semister and get the credits. Talk about it with your husband and see if you cannot be a stay at home momma or part time work. You have six kids and to think you can put them all threw college is a huge HUGE task. I suggest you encourage them to get good grades and to get a part time job once they are 16 and save save save for college. Any money from birthdays, christmas, or any thing should got to the college fund. There are ways of making money off your money, stocks, high intrest rates for money that is sitting in the account. Also let your kids know right now that they will be responsible for there college and college isnt a choice. But when they need help pay for as much as you can. It will teach them self respect and not to always rely on mom and dad. Also helps them keep better grades when there hard earned money is going out there own pocket. Serisouly I had a family member commit suiside over the cost of College and the pressure it was on him to pay for his 2 kids. It can get out of controll. And remember once you let God in controll its no longer a burden on you and it frees you up to actually be doing what God wants. Pray pray pray. God bless.

your just living!!!!!!!!!!!! one time i was complaing about everything that was going on in my life the kids the husband all the running the job just as you and this person i was telling all this to was much older and very wise she looked at me and started laughing i was like what she said girl your just living and after much thought did i realize we are living

Sounds like you need a drastic life change. Life is way too short to be wasting it away from your family. I understand the need to provide for your fammily and an education is a big part of it. But your marriage comes before anything. I don't want to sound pushy, or that my advice is the only way, but God created women to take care of the house. It's VERY stressful and unnatural to have to work, school AND care for our home and family.find any way you can to make more time for your family. even if it means, putting school aside and getting a different job. You NEED that time with your husband and kids. It is vital! that is way to many things on your plate. The most important thing is, get on your knees before God. Ask him to show you what to do. He will! It may take time, but He is always there for you and He is the only one that knows exactly what you need to do for you, your husband and your family as a whole. I'm so sorry for both of you losing your grandparents. I totally understand that! You are stressed and overwhelmed with so many emotions. You need a break! Well, i hope this helps. Good luck and I'm praying for you! Hang in there!

Good Morning N.;

O.K. I will say right up front N.>>>Your Crazy!! You would
have to be crazy to live in a two bedroom house, with 6 kids,
3 dogs and two "nutty" adults!!
I do not know when the next college break is, more than likely it is Thanksgiving! Which, I know, there are always
obligations with everyone's family at Thanksgiving!
But, here is the plan, right after the Thursday dinners with
all the families, on Friday, you and Said Husband take off for
3 days, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, don't come back till Sunday "Dark"!
Two of the step daughters are old enough to take care of the younger kids, but, start right now, today, telling them your plan and that you are going to count on them for those 3 days
to handle the other kids and the 3 dogs! Don't wait, cause if you do they'll make plans and make you feel bad, so start today and tell them you want them to do it!
O.K. durning those 3 days get all the loving you can get and
of course it's up to you to make him be in the "Mood"! We men
are lazy and we want you women to make the first moves and do
all the work!! Sorry, but, that's a fact!
Now, so there isn't any surprise you need to talk to hubby about this weekend now also! Antiscipation is also a wonderful
thing! Tell him your gonna do some fantastic things to him
that weekend!! hahahaha Don't say what, give hints like where
is that piece of rope we had, and do you remember what we did with that halloween mask! What I'm saying N., get funny,
get loose, laugh, sounds to me like lately yawl have been all uptight and that makes life tough!
O.k. you got the idea I hope!
Good Luck,
B. C.

You guys need to MAKE time for each other. And it doesn't even have to be a date - when you pass eachother in the kitchen, touch him on the shoulder. When you come home, give each other a kiss hello. Leave little love notes for him in the bathroom or somewhere he'll find them - make a little game out of hiding notes for each other. Your marriage needs to be treated as if it were another child - it needs attention and caring, also. God gives you the opportunities to say to each other "I need you, I miss you, I love you" take those opportunities, however fleeting, and make them worth it!!!

WOWWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!! I must say that is a very tight squeeze. I know that you are wanting to go to school however you need a marriage and to be a mom. I would say something needs to be cut back. I feel that the money you are spending on school could easily just be set aside for your kids school. A happy marriage is more important than money I am sorry but that is how I see it. I am poor however I am the richest woman I know. If you cant find time for each other it will not get better only worse and you are starting to feel the effects of it already. I am sorry you are going through this when you are only doing it in hopes that things in the end will be better and well worth it but I cant say that would happen. I pray for your peace of mind and hopefully things will come together easier for you.

N.,
You need to rethink your schedule and family time schedule!

It appears everything including education and work are coming before the one thing that matters.... spouse and family.

I know your education is important to you but is there any way you could do more online study or stretch out your education for a year or two longer to provide more family time or some time just for you?

Is there anyway you can cut back your work hours? Perhaps going to a part-time position as opposed to working a full-time job.

If your relationship with your husband is important to you, you must be creative and find a way for both of you to feel rested and spend time together. Perhaps you and your husband could plan just one weekend away together doing something you both enjoy together.

You need to take a break.
Good Luck!

My parents felt that way- my mom was working AND going to school full time and my dad was working full time evening/night shift. When she came home he left. They hardly saw each other, and three days a week they didn't see each other at all. But they did have Sundays that they tried to use for only family time- no school or yardwork or anything but family time. If you can carve out a day, or even an evening, that is slotted each week to spend time together, at least till this is over, it might help.

We decided that for OUR family school wasn't an option. We had children unexpectedly early and they have special needs. We will likely not be able to pay for their college education and getting a bigger house may never happen (we have an 18 Sqft mobile home on land be bought as a repossessed fabulous deal. We don't have everything that we would like, but we love our kids and it's enough. :)

S., wife to Paul for 6 years, SAHM to four girls ages 5,4,3,18 months and due with #5!

N. - Take a moment to cry! Then take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other. Kiss your husband, tell him you love him and know that God has a plan. Yes it is normal, crazy busy, but normal! You are not alone. :-)

You and your husband do need the alone time bad. See if the older kids can watch the little one for even two hours while you go out and have a meal or a movie. I know that this is hard but saving you marriage is important you both need to have the time for this. Good luck and know that there or other's out there that are going through this or have gone through this and have made it. You are loved my many.

Dear N., it is understandable that you would be wiped out, burned out, mourning, need comfort. You said one thing that I completely disagree with: You say there is no time to lay down and cry, Make Time. If the dishes don't get done or you don't get the child to practice or don't prepare a meal, nobody will die. Once a week when my 4 young children were at home, I was going to college, my husband was working out of town for 6 months, we called supper a "roll your own" meal. If it qualified as food, they could eat their choice--cereal, cheese and crackers, pbj, leftovers, whatever.

The world will not stop if you don't do everything on your "to-do" list, but you might. Your mental and physical health is crying out to you. Please stop piling more and more demands on yourself--Stop thinking (for a time) about the kids college and the new house you want. You must set aside time for grief NOW. Repressed strong emotions can surface as high blood pressure, stomach ulcers, migraines, illness of all kinds because unmanaged grief compromises your immune system.

The children can take on some of the responsibilities. Even a 5 yr old can throw laundry in the washer. They can put sandwiches together, feed pets, clean up dishes, bathrooms, take out the trash--what my mother called "hitting the high spots". Things don't have to be done Great, just done. Make a poster of all duties with each person's name. Delegate. You are all in this together. When the older children are there, they can mop, and do a more thorough bathroom and kitchen cleanup. Nobody is on vacation nor exempt from participation.

Now: God is offering you help through your many mamasource suggestions and nudging you to take care of yourself. You are no good to others or your goals if you are out of commission. It is "Normal" to have everything pile up and create a disaster when there is too much going on. Go to the dr. Get a checkup. Your hormones, bp or other could be contributing factors. Take an antidepressant if it is advised. Take a good multivitamin and mineral supplement Every Day. Cut way back on caffeine. Get Plenty of rest.

You would never expect your car to run without a battery, air in the tires, gas and oil. You can't function without the necessities either.

As to needing your husband's affections, he may be as overwhelmed as you are and not have any more to give. That doesn't comfort you emotionally, but maybe it helps to understand. I relished the hugs and kisses from my children and our pets when times were hard for us. It is not as good as your mate, but it will do until things lighten up for you.

Know that Many, Many people have been in the same boat as you, bailing water as fast as they can, worried they'd sink. Continue only the most important things. Throw any unnecessary items, (demands on yourself) overboard. You will make it! Love, C.

ps. This is experience talking--It is much more difficult to make changes from a hospital bed. Don't do it like I did.

pps.Spend some time each day with your husband alone, even if you have to go sit in the car in the driveway. Keep your emotional bond with him even if you don't have sex. My mother-in-law once told me to nurture the friendship with your husband or years from now, when the kids are gone, you will look at him and wonder, "Who is that old man?"

Hi N.~
Boy you are a busy woman! Everything you are feeling sounds normal to me...have you atlked with your husnband about your feelings? I would suggest doing that, keeping the communictaion open. I would also discuss those feelings when things are not heated and you can really express them in good atmosphere.
Also remember you are not alone, GOD is right there by you...he never leaves your side! :) Pray to him for direction, strength, and wisdom on how to handle everything. :)
I will pray for your family as well.
Take care and God Bless,
M.

Dear N.,

I think you're doing too much. I know you have good intentions, and I really admire you for all you are doing for unselfish reasons, but, I do think there is a limit to what one person can do!
Perhaps you could find an hour to get by yourself and ask God what changes you need to make in your life. My personal priorities are first God, then my husband, then my children, and then other things. What are your priorities? Make a date with your husband, and tell him that you miss him, and that you would like to make some changes so that you can spend more time with him. It will bless all of your children to see you and your husband in a loving relationship.

I honestly don't see how you do all that you do. I'm amazed! Be careful, though, that you don't lose what's important to by trying to do too much.

J.

We were once there althougth we just had one little one! You MUST make time together it is sooooo important! Skip school one day or let him play hooky from work one day....whatever it takes make your relationship with your hubby #1 and things will start to fall into place. Hang in there! It will get better!

I don't know if you are depressed or not; but, you definitely are tired! I know that you and your hubby need some time alone. What are the kids doing as far as chores? The 16 year old and the 15 year old should be able to at least watch the younger kids.

You guys need some "me" time. As women, we often become embroiled in the "nobody can do this but me" attitude. I know you are going to school and working. He is working. The kids have "stuff" - but you and he need to find one day of the week and have a date night. Schedule it! Even if you just go out and eat together or rent a motel room and get some sleep!!!

One thing I do know, is that if you are becoming depressed, is that it is a chemical imbalance in your brain and there is medication to treat it. If you aren't and you are just stressed out - then you still need to fix it. You will not be helping your kids by trying to do everything - you will just be making it worse. Perhaps, you should hold a family meeting and just lay it all on the line - kids are smarter than we think.

The first thing you need to do is forgive yourself (and your husband) for not being perfect at everything. You listed off the reasons why you are overhwelemed like they were excuses-they aren't! They are reality and you're doing it and it might not feel like it right now but they are making you both stronger as people and stronger as a couple. It would be a good idea to sit down as a couple and say, "I feel like I'm drowning. I'm doing a million things and none of them as well as I'd like. I'm especially not proud of the way I've been too tired to always be thoughtful to you. I'm doing my best though, and I know you are doing your best. It's probably going to be hard for awhile, but eventually it will be over and we will have achieved what we set out to do. Not only will we be proud of ourselves but we will have set an incredible example for our children about how anything is possible if you set your mind to it. I promise to give as much to our relationship as I can, and I know that our short term sacrifice will pay off in the long run. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and depressed and in those times I need you to encourage me and remind me that though this is really difficult right now, it won't last forever and I can get through it." And what you need to know is that you can. What you are feeling isn't depressed. It's stressed and overwhelmed to the point of possibly having a meltdown. But that's ok too. Melting down can be a very healthy coping strategy that often releases a lot of tension, so let yourself have a good cry once in awhile too. Whatever you do, don't let anyone (or yourself) talk you out of finishing. I've been here myself and can not tell you how much strength I found out I had when I made it through the end of the tunnel. Good luck!

I feel for you. The balancing act has become juggling and it's very hard to sustain that for a long time! Once you are through school it will be better, but maybe you need to cut back on classes for a semester to give more time to you and your hubby. Even just a date (even if you can't get out, being together at home counts!) once a month shows you care and are both trying to put work into your marriage. Your kids are old enough to understand and hopefully support your "mom and dad time", so it might not be as hard as you think once you guys talk about it. I'm stuck in a little funk myself, so you are not alone! Thanks for sharing with us. I'm not much help here, but here's a big hug XO for you.

P. (mom to three busy boys)

You both have full loads and I can certainly understand why you two are tired. Yes you did chose this direction for the betterment of you both and your children. Be proud of your accomplishments, however somewhere as it does with many of us, we lose our time together with our spouses. Don't allow this to happen. Even if it is once a month, you two go out on a date and enjoy each other and talk about the load you both have and how much each of you love and respect the other. One day this will all pass and you will have time together but until then please go out together just the two of you and like I said even if it is once a month it is something both of you can look forward too. If you have anyone who can watch the kids for a weekend, you two should just go away.
One of my daughters has the same type problems and I try to help by watching the kids for a weekend so they can just go somewhere and recoup.
Hang in there. You are normal and all will turn out.
Good Luck

Hi,
First of all, YOU ARE TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who wouldn't be? I can realte somewhat, being the mom of 6 too. All girls. Maybe just start slowly when it's bedtime, like cuddle with each other. Don't woryy about the "other stuff" Just try to get back the intamacy. My Hubby and I do that. When we go to bed we spoon until I just have to turn over( I am a stomache sleeper) I have put some weight on too and have a hard tiome being intimate and this helps to keep us close and connected. I'm sure he'd like more but is respecting how uncomfortable I am with the way I look. The other thing is, if at all possible, try and get someone to help keep an eye on the kids so you and the hubby can have a date. It doesn't have to be any big thing, go get an ice cream together or a soda, anything.It's just to be together without the kids for a minute, and while you are walking to and from the "place" , hold hands, or put your arms around each other. It's the little efforts that will really help you feel reconnected with him. Be patient, be strong and be proud of yourself for what you are doing for your kids. It will be over soon and the benifits will be forever.
Good luck
L.

First of all paying for your kids college is not your responsibility, it's theirs. I know that sounds harsh but it's true. We have a son in college and he took out loans which we co-signed. Of course we will be helping him all we can but there is no reason for you to have that burden right now.
You said that you believe in God, do you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ? If not, I would encourage you to do that first. Just ask Him to come into your heart and life, sincerely. If so, start (or continue) praying. Ask God to give you wisdom. I agree with Lois J. that you might need to rethink your priorities. You NEED some time for yourself and for your husband. Whatever you do, do not leave God out of your life. I did that once and suffered the consequences. You might have to put some things on hold for now or maybe even just switch gears altogether. I know it may sound too simple but I would just ask God what to do. He makes things less complicated and He can make a way where there seems to be no way! Hope this helps. God bless!

Girl, you have a lot going on. You are so lucky to have such a loving family. Your husband sounds like a dream.

This is not going to be an easy solution. You need to consider not being a full time student. Maybe next semester cut back on your hours. ACC, UT and St Edwards also offer Correspondence Courses. With all of the things your family needs, you need your income so you may not be able to cut back on work. Your husband has lots of financial responsibilities and it sounds like he is really weighted down and stressed. Your children's education is the most important right now. You and your husband need to be available physically and mentally to help them with all of their homework projects and attending extra curricular activities. The 16 year old will soon be considering College? Once that happens, that takes a lot of planning, time and money.

A 2 bedroom house that you own? You are very fortunate. If you cannot afford a larger home, is there any way to lease this house to make the mortgage and then move to a larger house? This is a buyers market. Maybe you could find a friend that is a financial advisor or realtor? Speak with your banker? See if this is an option?

The weight? As we mature we do not burn the calories like we used to. Watch what you eat and add walking, biking or running to your week. You have dogs, you have kids and a husband. Take one or 2 of them with you for this exercise. It is a good way to have one on one time with them. Schedule it out. On the weekend, go to the parks, picnic with frisbees, bike riding, jump ropes some sort of activity. Go camping as a family (borrow the equipment) go hiking!

Tell your husband you love him appreciate him and miss him. Kidnap him in the evenings. Go outside and hold hands. Go for a drive find a safe place to park and "neck". If you have friends going out of town, ask if they need someone to feed their pets. Also ask if you and your husband can borrow their couch and go over watch a movie and make out like crazy when you go over to take care of the pets.

Last thing. 3 dogs? Dogs are great but they are a luxury. The food, and all of the proper vet visits this is a huge amount of money attention and energy. Pets are great, but try not to adopt any more. If you added up all of the money you spent on them, you would be amazed at that total amount. That amount could be going into a savings account for the college funds for your 6 children.

Hang in there. You have so many blessings, slow down and enjoy them

You are way overbooked. Too many things on your plate. I'm amazed that you get to spend any quality time with your family from what you indicate is all on your plate. Before you go insane, I would make a list of the things that you consider important to you. Hopefully, the top 3 things are God, your family, and your marriage. You need to make sure you set aside time for those things. The rest will fall into place. Even if that means you need to make some changes in your life (e.g., get a part-time job instead of a full-time job, cut back on the number of classes you're taking, etc.).
Do you want to have regrets later in life on all the things you missed out on because you wanted to "have it all right now"?
I have been in your shoes and realize it's not worth it. I hope this has helped.
-Jen

You've had some really good advice. I feel for you. You are so young to have all that responsibility. I completely agree with everyone who has advised you to pray. You can't see past this but God knows what is on the other side.
Whenever I feel like my husband is not attentive enough. I remind myself about all his good qualities and that I would be hard pressed to find happiness alone. Men don't always realize they are ignoring you, especially when there is lots to do, so I will remind my husband that I need some attention. I gently tell him I feel a little neglected and I suggest ways he might be able to help. One thing my husband and I do almost every night is spend at least 5 minutes talking about our day when we get into bed. Sometimes I have to fight to keep my eyes open, but that is precious alone time, so we try to take advantage.

Nothing is more important than your family and no sacrifice will be unrewarded. God is capable of anything and any time you pray, go to him with that mentality.

Hello N.,
Here's my advice: Pray. Pray to God, but don't ask for a break or for relief, ask Him what you're supposed to learn from all of this. I promise it will soon become clear and it won't seem so stressful anymore. Don't forget, everything happens for a reason. My little family and I are in the process of moving to Alvin from Reno, NV. My two kids and I are still in Reno, but my hubby has been working there for about 5 weeks now. The kids definitely miss their daddy, and I am going crazy without my man! But every time I pray about it, even though the situation doesn't change, I still get a sense of peace.

Good luck and God bless!
~ E.

You are so blessed to have a husband who contributes to all the work to be done. Unfortunately, your schedules leave you so exhausted, that romance is the LAST thing you want to think of---just getting SLEEP is on the top of the list! I thoroughly understand this because my schedule, too, is a hectic one.

I would suggest this: Sit down with your husband (or arrange a phone conference!), and talk about your feelings. Agree to set aside some time, even if it's only an hour, once a week to share and be alone together. It could be after the kids are in bed, or an actual DATE to get coffee or dessert. I find that many times, we get stuck in our routines, and actually waste time that could have been used this way. If you carefully consider your schedules, perhaps you can find a few minutes every week. This is SO important. Otherwise, you will lose the intimacy that you had at the beginning. It seems that perhaps that has already happened.

If your husband is as great as you say he is, he is missing your times together, as well. Open the lines of communication...talking will lead to closeness...and closeness will eventually lead to the romance that is missing now.

Hope this helps.

My husband and I have been in a similar boat. I would sit down and discuss it with him. Either take a day off of work or skip class. Seriously talk to him about it. How much farther do you have in school? That would be a big question in the matter. If it's just a little more time - then reconnect with him and make sure you both can handle that amount of time. Otherwise, your marriage is more important than your job, your future career, your degree, even your kids degrees, etc. If it's too long away - then I would personally cut back. Either a little or a lot. Could you stop working and only attend school? Could you put off school until a better time? Do you really need to go to school knowing your husband is such a good provider? (like could you really work on a retirement fund/nest egg instead of a college degree?) Could you cut back on work and on school, a little of both? Maybe take a semester/summer off to reconnect? I don't know what all of your details are. My husband are not where we want to be financially at all because of the choices we made. But, we put our family first. Money helps a lot. A good paying job is a great help. A degree is wonderful insurance. But, a broken home? I hope you can have it all! I pray that for you. But, though some choices are very hard to make, they are the right choice.

Don't ever regret putting your hubby first!

N. - you are a sweetheart! What a dear - and how much you care for your family and their well-being! I have been through similar and yes, this is normal. But you don't stike me as a normal gal - so get creative. I know you are exhausted. So, when you get a moment of freshness, even if they are few and far between, leave your hubby a nice little note someplace. Call him when you have one minute just to say you think of him and miss him and how much you appreciate him. That all will be fine as you both withstand the test of time - hard times.

And, know that your needs are crucial - so when you have a break at school, etc... whenever, write down your feelings and give it to him. Or talk on the weekend when you are playing with the kids - so many children you have - WOW! Just bring it up that you need a hug more often as you pass each other in the hall, or whatever - just little things. And, when you get holiday time off school - just get in the car with hubby and kids-or no kids and go for a drive, or go get a coffee together and then come home - just the few min. together will help you re-set and get through.

You are an awesome person - all that you are doing will pay off - just remember that. Few can pull this off but I know YOU CAN!!!

You go girl!
Alli

1. What fun would college be without the freshman 15? hehehe
2. The book "Power of a praying wife" and "power of a praying parent"
Those books will change your life!
Peace

Hi N.,

My advice is to stick with it. I too went through the same ordeal and it was very hard. In the end, I took a part-time job and piled on the classes to finish the last year. It was more than worth it. I now have a son in college and his first year was paid for by me. Financially we are stable and we live very comfortably. To top it off we have a wonderful family who places God before all else and then our family. We all love each other very much. My husband and I have learned that some days there is no time for each other. We too have a family day that sometimes isn't carried out. We try every Sunday to spend it together but it isn't always possible. We do spend a large part together. Three times a year we get a way for a couple of days as a family. No one but our immediately family that helps too. I suggest you put the romance back into your marriage. My husband will give me a card that expresses his feelings. He doesn't right anything but says it in a few words. "I love you with all of my heart." He had been doing this for as long I remember. I do extra things for him by alloting "him" time to play softball with his buddies or watch football. I take care of the kids and their activities during that time and I don't bug him. As for me, I take long baths and read books to unwind. I sometimes feel like life is passing me by but as another person said we are just living. Take care and don't give up. Money isn't everything but it sure helps. I am really proud of my accomplishments and the sacrifices we had to make were not in vain. L. T

My biggest challenge has always been to accept my limitations. However, getting through school, is one of those buckle down and get it done things. Finding balance is important or you run into counterproductive. That could be where you are now. Is it time for a break?

Take a good look at things and realize what you can reasonably do. Rest, prioritize, and reorganize.

What the mind conceives and the heart believes, the body will achieve! Without proper rest and diet, however, it is almost impossible. Take care of yourself.

My first response was to say stop going to school full time. What's the hurry? Drop a few classes, or sign up for only half a load next semester. That will give you more free time. Maybe you can cut down on your working hours, too. Some companies do have part-time jobs available. Then I scrolled down and looked at the ages of your children. What do they do with their time? They each, even the 5 year old, should have chores that would make your housework practically non-existant. If they complain, let them know that what you are doing to get your degree will ultimately help them, but as members of the family they also have responsibilities. You've got 4 children who are old enough to take turns being in charge of dinner each night of the week. That would give them the enjoyment of choosing the menu, be it pizza or hot dogs, preparing, serving it and clean-up, or clean- up can be a joint effort. Give it a try, and don't take no from the kids, after all, you are the mother.

You have a full plate with 6 children, two jobs and passing each other in schedules. Depression and endless routine of unhappiness is a hard season to be in. The Lord is providing for you, however you must provide to meet your needs for relaxation and marital intamacy. Your marriage is the core of the family and it has to be preserved. Some suggestions are warm baths with candles for relaxation after 8pm and a glass of wine. Making your husbands favorite meal to show you care and cuddling while you watch TV before bed to keep connected. Being tired is a hard thing to overcome, however doing things that relax yourself and show you care in little ways and help and go a long way. Write a note the night before on a sticky note and leave it on the mirror so hubby will be surprised and feel loved. Go get a pedicure or eyebrows, haircut and some new makeup to cheer yourself up, When you change something or indulge in your appearance it can give you a lift. Pedicures get nice foot rubs with it which is relaxing. When you feel better about yourself it will radiate awesome cheerful loving energy for you, your husband and even the kiddos will notice. I don't know if you like coffee but with cooler mornings a splurge of a Starbucks is a pick me up for me. Best wishes, you are a hard worker and dedicated mother and deserve happiness and some TLC

Wow you need some help with time. All of your children are old enough to help around the house and some old enough to baby-sit. It sounds like you and your husband need a date night. Even if it's once a month. Time for you and your husband. Go to dinner, dancing, a massage, or even a movie. Just away from the house and away from the kids or send all of your kids to friend's houses to spin the night on a weekend so you have a quiet house for a night. Your husband may think that your tired and doesn't want to bother you with romance. He is probably exhausted as well. Full time school and Full time work alone is exhausting and then to have a house full of kids with homework and chores and bed time and your homework. If it means dropping one class or getting a student loan that would allow you to work part time while you go to school full time do it because it sounds to me that if you continue on this road you and your husband are going to burn out quick. What yall need is time and you have to schedule it in. Also bring it up to your husband that it's been a while and see what he has to say. You may find out that he thought he was doing what you wanted by not bothering you with that since things are so busy for you right now. He obviously loves you very much because he is taking on all of this so you have the same opportunity he did to finish your education. She find time to talk about it and see what happens. He may be thrilled that you bring it up and put things into action.
Good Luck,
M.

Hi N.,

WOW!! You and your husband have an incredibly full life right now!

As a parent coach, this is what I work with people to better handle. We all want to do things to provide for a better tomorrow, but the marriage and the kids are here right now and need us now.

It sounds like your heart is telling you it's time to prioritize what you are doing and take a hard look at letting go of something.

Start with prayer if you are a spiritual person. Talk with your husband and identify your options. Be creative in brainstorming them and then evaluate and choose what fits your family best.

Can you afford to cut back on how much you are working? Are you willing to take a slower pace with your college education? Definitely get the kids involved in helping around the house if they are not already. After all, they need to know how to run a household when they leave yours. Can you afford to hire some help? What other ideas can you come up with?

Remember to make time to live in the present - living too much for the future is something we often do, but our kids image of family is what they see happening today.

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions.

Good luck!

J. B
Parent Coach

sloooooooowwwwwwwwww down, it sounds like you are overwhelming yourself, and no good can come of that. You need to find at least 40 minutes a day to relax and clear your head or there may be bad consequences.

N.,

Burn-out is a scary and dangerous place, so you have my sympathy and prayers. But the good news is that you recognize the problem. The first step to solving ANY problem is to recognize and define it. And I congratulate you. You did NOT do everything backwards: you met, THEN married, and THEN had children. That is a correct, Biblically sound sequence and I believe that following God's design leads to blessings. Also, you and your husband have set very admirable goals of helping your kids with college and buying a new home. These are great ambitions. But you need to find a solution to deal with your exhaustion and intimacy problems, or you may not be together to accomplish or enjoy these outcomes. Also, both of you may be undermining your own health with such frenetic schedules. Resolving this problem does not mean giving up your goals.

The primary thing that is taxing you, right now, is that you are a full-time student and are working a full-time job at the same time. Now THAT is tough! You need a little break from this pressure. To prevent losing any college credit, it may be important to make it through the end of the semester under essentially the "status quo" schedule. Then perhaps you can take next semester off, or take a very reduced class load for a semester - just to get a rest.. Doing this does not mean you are giving up your goals or ambition. It simply means that you are strong enough to choose health and marital well being as your first priorities.

And to add to your emotional trials, you both lost your grandparents. I can relate to that. When my husband and I married, we had ALL grandparents (8 total: 4 on his side and 4 on mine) and 3 great-grandmothers! We were very close to all of them and we reached a point when we had funerals every 4-6 months. That was SO difficult! But because you trust God, know that life goes on after physical death. You can also trust that we will be reunited with believing relatives and friends, so you can look forward to seeing them again. Of course, we still miss those we have lost here, but it is good to know they are not lingering or suffering in poor health. Think about how wonderful it was to have them with you as long as you did and think of all of the wonderful memories you have of them.

So, let's take your problems (along with your blessings) and examine them in "small pieces" rather than looking at the whole overwhelming picture:

(1). You are BLESSED to have a husband that supports you in all that you do. I can tell that you are thankful, but you may need to TELL HIM how thankful you are for him and for his support. I am going to recommend some other things that you will need to consider and then DISCUSS with your husband. It is of paramount importance that your husband be aware of your feelings, because he may simply be so overworked and tired right now that he is simply "going through the motions" of being a provider and caretaker. Some men (and some women) need to be "clued-in" (with kindness) when they fail to see what we think is obvious. Candid communication with our spouses about our feelings, wants, needs, fears, hopes is a MUST for a solid marriage and intimacy. So, once you have thought over all of the options and advice you receive, find a time and place to talk to you husband and bring him up to speed.

(2). You say that "when you are home he is working." Does that mean he is working outside of the home (in other words the two of you work different shifts?), or that he brings work home, or that he is working on "things around the house? If you are on completely different schedules, can you or he "trade shifts" or work an alternate shift? Or can either of you take a "personal day" or a single day of vacation? You are lonely and need intimacy with your husband. You can, and MUST find a way to arrange a private interlude with him immediately. Once you are a bit more rested, you can work on getting "regular" sex back into your marriage on a longer-term basis. Virtually all men and women NEED regular, physical intimacy. It not only reinforces our spouse's love for us, but sex releases much needed brain-chemicals that increase our overall sense of well-being (this will help any depression that you may be experiencing, immediately, but you may need to do more in this area. See point #6, below.) Moreover a good sex-life is not only satisfying and enjoyable, but it is a hedge of protection to prevent either of you from being tempted to stray. But, as you correctly identified, being romantic requires energy, overlapping schedules and a little privacy.

(3). In the near-term, perhaps you (alone) could simply take one afternoon off from both work and school. If you can arrange time alone at home, I would suggest spending this time just relaxing: perhaps a soaking bath, a good book and especially a long nap, just to get a handle on your exhaustion. If you can afford a massage or a manicure/pedicure, and want to spend your time this way, these actions might make you feel more relaxed and attractive (more on being attractive, below). You simply need to use your afternoon in a way that will relax you and release stress, and not add to it. You also need to-forget about the weight-gain for now. I ASSURE you, you should not worry about being 15 lbs. overweight at this time! Stress will cause that. I have ongoing difficulty with yo-yo weight gain and I can say, from personal experience, if you concentrate on feeling and acting sexy toward your husband, he will not notice anything but how beautiful and exciting you are - no matter what your size. Of course, I don't recommend keeping the weight on for a long time, but you can work on that when things settle down for you. Healthy eating habits and exercise are the only things that really address keeping weight off.

(4). If you are able to arrange a "rendezvous" with your husband on the same evening of your afternoon off, it might be good timing for a romantic interlude. Perhaps he can switch schedules or take off that evening. Planning this evening (or afternoon or morning - whatever works) together, in advance, will heighten the pleasure of experiencing it, by allowing you both to anticipate the event. IF it is possible to combine your planned together-time with a "farm-out" of the kids, that could turn out to be the BEST! A two-bedroom house is a bit cramped for 8 people. So, perhaps you could arrange for the children to all spend the SAME night away, each with some of their good friends or a relative.

(5) If the kids cannot all be gone on the same evening, do you have a relative or friend that could come in to you home and stay with the kids while you and your husband get away overnight (or for a whole weekend, if possible)! A night in a fairly inexpensive hotel can be a night in paradise if you take some snacks or "goodies" that you both enjoy and then the two of you can rest and concentrate on reacquainting with each other. On an ongoing basis, perhaps you need to designate a "parent's evening" where your 16- and 15-year olds are in charge of their siblings, while you and your husband eat dinner undisturbed and spend "relaxing" time someplace in the house where you won't be disturbed if you just want to cuddle or talk (perhaps your bedroom).

(6) Depression is a medical condition and a real illness. You MIGHT be experiencing a bout of it. Depression involves an imbalance in the brain's chemicals, and can be traced to many causes, including stress. But depression can be treated very effectively with medications in most people. You need to see a physician to determine IF you are experiencing it and if so, the best treatment. Start with a general check-up from your family doctor. He/she will direct you to other medical care, if necessary. Your husband should also get a check-up. The fact that he is overworked and tired probably explains his lack of interest in romance. But, I recently heard a factoid that 20% of men have low testosterone! This or other health issues may require treatment to get your husband back to the "top of his game."

(7) The last and most important advice I can offer is to pray continually about your situation. You say that you believe in God. In the Bible, Matthew 7:7-8 says, "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." It is important to take ALL our needs to the Lord, because he already knows your needs and He wants to respond to your requests. Romans 5:1-5 says we can get stronger while we endure trials if we call upon Christ for strength: "Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

N., take courage. God created us, He created marriage and He created sex. In fact, He designed us with mental, physical, emotional and spiritual components to our beings. His good plan for husband and wife is that we will be blessed in marriage and in Him in every aspect of our nature. So, He wants you to be rested, happy and physically as well as emotionally loved. When we rely on Him for our spiritual development and fulfillment, He will bless us and give us clarity on how to meet our other needs, as well.

God bless you and your family,
K.

By the way, I LOVE the names of your dogs! Harley, Snugz, & Dude. Too cute!

My first reaction is - WHY did you take on a 3rd dog??? It's time to dump - dump whatever on your plate doesn't add to you or your family in a good way. If you've GOT to work, keep it, otherwise, dump it. School's not a choice - it was a dream and must be realized. With kids that age, you shouldn't have much to do around the house - EVERYONE's got to have a specific job and with 6, there shouldn't be much left over for you or your husband. There's probably running the kids to events and activities - I'd work on carpooling with the other parents, that cuts out a CHUNK of time. You're right, you've got to find time for each other - it's the only way to stay connected.
As for the kids and their helping - make a list of all the jobs around the house and let each one of the kids take turns choosing their job (you and your hubby need to be on the list too and you may each want to pick a job that you don't feel comfortable letting the kids do). The 5 year old can use a swifer, although, the higher stuff may not get done. They can also run a vacuum, just depends on how well you want the job done and if there's furniture that can get scratched....but when they look at the list, they'll know AND you'll know if they can accomplish certain tasks. Then, take one day and have seminars with all of them about HOW you want it all done (since they'll probably be changing jobs from time to time make sure they ALL attend EVERY seminar) - don't let them to come up with ideas on their own or it won't be satisfactory. Show them how to sort laundry and use the washer and dryer. Show them how to clean the toilets, tub, shower, and sinks. The 5 year old can watch and learn. They can also clear the table and help set it. Get the family involved and no one will feel overwhelmed. If the kids are busy too, don't make it so their job(s) HAS to be done right now, tell them they've got all week to do it and they can plan their time appropriately. At my house the laundry is the only thing that seems to HAVE to be done once a week on the same day. If everyone knows how to do it, you may take a Saturday and have everyone join in with that chore - if they're walking past the laundry room and the dryer goes off - they fold/hang up that load and put the next one in and initial it off on a "chart". That way you'll see who's really doing what and can give credit accordingly. At my house, there's always the same loads - dark warms, dark colds, light warms, light colds, whites and towels/sheets. I'm certain you've got the same, although you may not sort by water temp - I do. Since you will have basically the same loads every week, you can make up a chart and copy it. Have 2 rows - one for wash, one for dry. If it goes into the washer or dryer - mark on one line - if it comes OUT of the dryer - it's marked on the other. I did seminars on house cleaning at the beginning of summer vacation every year starting when my oldest was 8. They now know how I want things done and the proper way to do them. Good luck!!