Distant Husband, Very Unmotivated

First off, I am sorry to hear about your son passing. I think that he should either go to counseling with you (marriage counseling) or get a divorce. You do not deserve to be treated like a slave, and your daughter deserves a loving nurturing environment when you are away. There are plenty of loving men out there, you and your daughter deserve one!

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Hang in there! I agree with the other posts. Try to get professional help / therapy since it's a tough issue. Good luck and my thoughts & prayers are with you.

I can understand what you are saying. Now the question is do you consider being a stay-at-home dad a job, because it absolutely is? I know my husband has a hard time understanding how much work being home with the children is. I work in my home also though (childcare). But remember to give him credit for his job of being a stay at home parent also. You are not paying someone else to watch your child, right? I think you guys need to just have a sit down (possibly with a counselor) and more clearly define your roles in the household and what you expect out of him being the stay at home parent (keep up with what got messed up during the day). I KNOW what it feels like to be home with the kid all day and feel as if I want a break when my husband gets home (also from a long day of work). Though I think women understand better that it just isn't possible most of the time and we compromise and just keep working (around the house, parenting, etc). We go out to dinner a lot because that's something we can all do to get out of the house, and we go camping all summer most weekends together. Then I would say we each do something individually 1-2 times a week depending on what the week looks like. It seems to work for us.

Your husband sounds exactly like my ex husband, except for the part about losing a child. I'm so sorry that you have had to go through that and that you've also lost your husband. I really think that the first step is to get some counseling. He needs to deal with his grief or he's going to end up down the wrong path. I understand why guys like to hang out with guys when they are dealing with things like this because guys don't talk about feelings and woman do. If he's with his friends then he can disconnect and not think about it. I'm not saying that it's ok at all but that's what they sometimes do.
Try counseling and see if that helps and if it doesn't all you can do is leave him. This is no life for you or your daughter. Terrible things happen but we have to pick ourselves up and carry on with life, as hard as that may be. Your husband needs to get through this and on with his life. You and your daughter only live once and you need to be enjoying your life and creating memories. Before you know it she'll be grown up and you'll think back to all of the fun stuff you never got to do because of his inability to move through this.
Best wishes and big hugs,
J.

To me it sounds like your husband needs some help. I don't know how long ago your son passed but it sounds like he needs some help working through his feelings. Not only are you being neglected but it also sounds like your little girl may be neglected as well. You need to do something to wake him up; get him some help, or just plain leave.

Raising a child is a two way street. I have a hard time getting my husband to understand this also. He needs to understand that you are working all of these hours, and he is only delivering pizza part time, he should be helping out around the house with the cleaning, taking care of the children, etc. There is no reason for him to not even get your daughter dressed every day. I certainly hope he is doing the other things necessary for her well being like feeding, changing her diapers, if she is still in them, and just plain giving her attention.

Please do something soon to wake him up. Get him some help. Get yourself some help. Give him an ultimatum. let him know that if he is going to stay home with you little girl, he needs to be taking care of her and the household, not just sitting home waiting for you to get home so that he can go and play poker. Like I said earlier, you may need to leave this situation. You may still love each other, but what ever the circumstances that caused him or you both to change (your son dying) you are still married and it requires teamwork. You both have another child to look after.

I wish you the best of luck :)

M.

N.,
I see you have so much good advice here, but as a mental health professional I want to add one more thing. According to your post, your husband claims that he is teaching you a lesson for not working when he was. My feeling is that he may be punishing you for much more. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your child, and I do not know what the circumstances are arround it, but I wonder if he is not "blaming" you unconsciously, though I am sure you dont deserve such a thing. We often need to blame someone for the hurt, and he does seem to be punishing you for something. Please please please follow up on the counseling situation, your family deserves the extra support, and you deserve to be happy. Hopefully your husband can find a better outlet for his grief. Take care.

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. I would honestly look into the possibility that your husband is depressed. I am currently dealing with depression myself, and it is a very scary, lonely and frustrating thing to go through even with tons of emotional support. It wouldn't hurt to at least rule that out. Would he be willing to talk to a counselor? Or at the very least, maybe you could talk to someone who might help you in handling his withdrawal, etc. I know it's hard to find the time, especially with working so much, etc. However, this may be one of the those times when you just have to make/find the time in order to get things moving in another direction. I wish you the best - keep us posted.

I am so sorry for the loss of your child. I agree with the others posts that maybe you and your spouse need to have some time together and some counseling to work through the grief process.

Sounds like he's depressed. You need to get into counseling yourself to try to figure out how to deal with this yourself and then try to figure out a way to get him in either as a couple's session or even on his own. Your situation sounds really terrible, but I don't think he is really angry with you, lazy, or dumb. Sounds like he's just depressed and dealing with you and the family is just too painful for him.
Best of luck.
:) M.

N.,

Sorry to hear about the loss of your Angel. It sounds like to me that your husband is still grieving & has gave up on everything around him. Not that it's an excuse but that's a very tough, emotional thing to go through. Everyone is different in the way they grieve. Do you talk about your loss? Maybe he's blaming himself. His family, have they ever experienced what you & your husband have? Then they shouldn't say things that they know nothing about. If your husband is like mine, he's not a very good communicator, keeps it all in.
You need to have some family counseling soon before your marriage gets away even more. Look on-line for support places in your area. I found one website you can look at: www.compassionatefriends.org
We had a friend lose a little one to SIDS at 2mo last year. Please have you & your family get some help.

Please keep me updated!

Take care,
P.

Hi N.,
Wow, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I agree, as a non-professional, it sounds like your husband is depressed over the loss and does not know how to cope. My husband also lost a son about 12 years ago, and also had a very hard time...esp. since there was no one to "blame" (cancer). I don't think men are granted the same opportunities to deal with emotional pain as women are (in our culture), and so sometimes they end up being complete jerks to those they care about most as they do not have any other outlet for the anger, sadness and frustration they feel.

Anyway, so where does this leave you? -- You can't keep going on this way as it is not healthy for you or your surviving child(ren).

If you haven't already, try, try, try to get your husband to a therapist/counselor/etc as it sounds like he needs some help. We all do, sometimes afterall. As the song says, "we all need someone we can lean on...". Anyway you can get him to go is acceptable, including couples counseling, which you might benefit from as well! Once in front of a qualified professional, they can recommend if you/him would benefit by addl. individual, grief, or couples counseling, etc.

Good luck. Sorry this is so long (I had intended on it being a short response!). My heart is with you.

A.

N.,

Sorry for the loss of your angel! Men have a different way of greaving of the loss of a loved one. You might want to talk to him about getting counsling together or by himself. I don't know if I would go as far as saying that what he is doing is an excuse, but he could also be in a rut, where he cannot get past working part time delivering pizzas, and therapy may help with that. Though I don't think that because he worked so many hours before that it is your turn, I think that both are equal and there fore, who ever can work the more hours and bring the money in that is needed at the time is all that matters... Marriage is a sharing thing, not a thing of who does more then someone else.

Have you talked about having another baby? Not that it will take the void away the loss of your baby, but it may help with something, expeically if you were trying to build on to your family.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that things get better for you really soon. You can E-mail anytime that you need to if you need to talk (write).

Hi,
I feel for you I really do. I would not stand for it, and I did not, my husband did that to me until I stopped doing things for him, washing his cloths, etc. Until he was forced to do it. I am working, going back to college and have 2 kids, my husband is an over the road truck driver but that is no excuse to not help out. He is wounderful now, makes supper, cleans and give me time to study my school work. You got to nip it in the butt now because he will take advantage of the situation. I am sorry for your loss of your son, I know that must be very hard for you. Hope he wakes up and smells the coffee or he really might know what it is like to be alone. (right).

He sounds very angry! I can't image the grief of losing a child--he might really need to talk to a professional.

Ironically someone sent me this email address of a mom: ____@____.com who is starting a march of a million moms that have lost children!!

N. you will be in my thoughts and prayers!!! You don't deserve this type of treatment!!! May you find the strength during this time!
Smiles - S.

I'm sorry to hear what your going through. Sounds like he's not interested in being a daddy or husband but for some reason is sticking around. Sounds alot like my ex. Money money money why do guys always expect woman to pull in as much as them or more and be the queen of the house and kids while they do nothing? It's very rare that a couple is equal when it comes to jobs, income and hours at work. He's not suppose to compare himself and teach you a lesson or make you suffer. Sounds like you may be better off without him. Just ask yourself what he brings to your life, and your kids. Is it worth having a another "big child" in your life to take care of and wait on hand and foot? Sounds like a selfcentered jerk to me. If he cared about you or the kids he wouldn't act like this. He is being a neglectful father and husband emotionally, physically, and financially.

I am very sorry for the loss of your child. In reading your post, I did wonder if your husband might be struggling with depression. A professional can help you, your husband if he'd take it, or both of you if marriage counseling is an option. I strongly recommend seeking outside help when things inside the marriage lose their perspective.
Good luck.
D.

First off I want to say sorry for your loss...I have never have lost a child, so I can not imagine what you are going thru with that one. However, about the lazy husband...not wanting to do anything....I have dealt with that before....In the beginning of my marriage, I worked and he stayed home. I worked sometimes 60hr weeks...and I would have to come home, to cook dinner....wash clothes....and clean house...even change our at that time son....who was the only one in the house....I left him, not to be broke up (we wasnt married at that time) I couldnt do it, I dont know if that would work for you....I also had to put my foot down. However, I dont know if it is grieving, but, I do know it is ok, to mourn, however, it is not ok to forget the living at the same time. Needless to say, after I broke up with my husband, and told him things had to change...they did...and we have been together almost 12 years now.....I dont know if you are a "Godly" family....but, The Bible says in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 And now dear brothers, I want you to know what happens to Christians when he dies so that when it happens you will not be full of sorrow, as those who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died then came back to life again we can also believe that when Jesus Christ returns God will bring back with him all the christians that have died. Romans 12 is also a very awesome chapter....I can not force God on you, I do know that God is the best comforter that I have ever had. Well wishes.....S. S

Congratulations on your promotion! It sounds like you have done a great job at filling the finical needs of your family.
I am very sorry for the loss of your child.
I am also sorry to hear that your relationship with your husband is rough right now. You are doing the right thing by looking for help. You really need to talk to a therapist who will give you insights into where your husband is at, and how you can keep your self from going nuts while he pulls him self together.
I think you are being too hard on him. I don't think he is lazy or dumb, but that is the only way you can understand the way he is behaving. What he is doing is putting a huge stress on your marriage because you should be partners. He needs help and chances are he will not get it willingly and would probably even deny that he needs it.
First I would hire a house keeper because it sounds like you could afford it, and it would keep you sane.
Second I would find woman therapist who you really trust.(this can take a few trys)
And then... look for a male therapist who could help your husband sort out his feelings and life.(I say male I feel that he could relate better with the way men think and feel.) Best of luck to you. I don't know if you believe in God, but I pray he gives you strength and helps your family grow back together and heal.
A.

You need to look at your marriage long and hard? Is it giving you what "YOU" need? Are you happy? I think therapy would be a start because in a marriage nobody is the teacher teaching someone a lesson! Just a thought! Write me if you need to talk I was in a controlling marriage!

N.,

I read your note and for your age you have been through so much. I don't know what you are going through because I don't have a situation like yours. I haven't lost what you have lost, but I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I hope your husband comes around. And I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. I think that seeing a therapist together would benefit both of you and if that doesn't work, the weekend retreat does sound like it would also work. The normal triggers of everyday life are not present and you might be able to get some work done to repair your marriage. It sounds like you love your husband and want to keep it together. Best of luck to you!!!

J. G

Is there a friend or relative you and your daughter could go stay with for awhile, it could be if you remove yourself from the situation, he'll realize he's pushing you away and want to put forth more effort to help the relationship. I was in a similar relationship and so was my mother, to get through this time I would focus your attention on your daughter, if your having to work so much and your husband is being absent with her, she needs it, and you'll enjoy the memories you'll have with just you and her. I would also ask your husband to go to some marrige councling. If there is an alcohol issue involved, I can tell you from experience it is going to be a tough and rocky road. I wish you the best I hope things get better for you.

Are you sure my husband isn't living at your place? This sounds so identical to his actions. We did counseling 2 separate times within the past 2 years. Both times we just sort of got to a point where there was nothing more to talk about and nothing was really resolved. We then attended a weekend marriage retreat. This was the best thing for our marriage. I would recommend it to anyone. My husband even recommended it to his friends! It just allows you to get away from the day-to-day rush and really take the weekend to focus on your relationship. You don't share in a group setting - everything is between you and your spouse. They give you questions to answer separately and then you come together and share your thoughts on the topic. It really makes you think/discuss many aspects of your relationship that would not normally be brought up. The website for this Marriage Encounter is: http://www.marriages.org. Let me know if you want more details.

I 100% agree with Sara. I immediately thought your husband was blaming and punishing you. I think your whole family could benefit from grief counseling. I commend you for being so strong and resilient. I don't have any personal experience to speak from, but I'm wondering how old your husband is. Some of his reaction sounds immature. It reminds me a little of my parents situation when they were young. They have now been happily married for 60 years. They went though a hard time after their 4th child was born. She was unplanned. They had only wanted three children.(This part is totally different from yours, but hang with me.) Anyway, my dad blamed my mother for putting too much pressure on him as a provider and started acting terribly. He was distant and unhelpful even by 1950's standards. He began going out a lot with his friends drinking and leaving my mom to care for 4 small children, home, everything 24 hours. It all came to a head when he was in a drunk driving accident. He drove into a tree and nearly killed himself. Afterward, his older brother had a talk with him about what it meant to be a man. In his state it really got to him. He turned into quite a family man. I'm child #7. I hope your husband can get over his problems more easily. You've already been through so much trauma. It sounds like his family supports you. Is there a dad or older brother that he respects who could talk to him about his role and how he can lead his family out of this devistating time?