Long story short.....
My husbands father (step) lived with us for about 6mo. after loosing his job and hm. When his dad moved in his mom came along too. It bothered me a ton because while my husband was working she would sit in bed and watch TV never looking for a job. His dad would do the same in a sence not looking for work and I get he was depresed. Well, this was a long 6 months and was REALLY hard on our marriage, I complained a lot to him and wanted him to make them move out. His mom finally moved out just to move in with strangers and his dad stayed a little longer. We have a 3 bedroom hm and while they were living here my kids all had to share one room (2boy 4 &9 and girl 11) I felt really bad my daughter had to give up her room to them. Well when his mom moved out I moved his dad into the kitchen , we have a huge kitchen. After about a month and talking to his dad to get him to move out he finally said ok I am going to live with my sister in Hawaii. We got him a ticket and sent him on his way, about a month went by and we didnt hear from him. Right after Fathers day last year a detective called my husband and said his dad was found dead in a dumpster here in the valley. We had no idea he even came back but now we think he planned this all along. The other day my husband broke down saying he has held it in for a year now but he blames me and doesnt know if he can ever forgive me, he hates me for it and is VERY depressed, he has been talking to a friend and our Pastor. We are coming up on the 1 year. ann. of his dads death. I need some suggestions , I want to either make something for him as a memory of his dad or place a cross somewhere that my husband can go durring the hard times. Any ideas?
First I want to say thank you for all you support. I am finding in the 7 stages of grieving (which I never thought of) is blame and anger. I look forward to any suggestions I get because it gives me encouragement. This is the hardest thing I have gone through yet. My husband is hurting so bad and blaming me saying he is thinking of leaving me because I did this. I am not taking it personal(trying not to) but I am praying and believing only God can heal his heart and our marriage.
Rae A. Those are great ideas, I think I will plant a tree and make a stone to put by it.
His dads mother (who was NEVER in his life) took the ashes after we paid for half of the cremation. We never got any ashes but we did get the Military flag.
My husbands mom and dad (step) wernt together together she just lived with him so she didnt have to mooch off anyone else, he felt bad for her. She didnt go with him to Hawaii, she left about a month before he did. It wasnt Murder, after talking with his sister he visited in Hawaii he only planned on visiting where he told us he was moving there. he planned to commit suicide all along.
thanks for all the advice I will be looking into everything you moms suggested. Thanks so much and please pray for our family.
Lucia Yes he climbed into it with a gas can, they think the fumes from the gas killed him before a flash fire happened.
How could anyone commit suicide and end up in a dumpster unless they climbed into the dumpster and killed themselves? What do the police say about cause of death since there would have been an autopsy performed? Finding out what happened to this poor man would bring more peace to all concerned than creating a memorial would do.
What your husband is going through is absolutely normal.
Death is hard enough as it is. No one wants to have the thought of their loved one dying and ending up in a dumpster for God's sake.
Your husband needs to continue talking with your pastor and get grief counseling. The people who handled the cremation can give you references.
It makes perfect sense to me that this is all coming out nearing the anniversary of his dad's death.
I urge you to google "the 7 stages of grief". It might help you to understand what your husband is going through. Guilt and blame are one of the stages.
It might take some time, but he can work through this with help, including yours.
He said it himself, he's been holding things in for a year. He might as well get it all out and go through the stages until he can find acceptance and move on.
I used to work in the counseling office at a cemetery and I've seen this a thousand times. He's not deliberately being mean to you.
Yes, planting a tree or having a stone of some kind would be lovely, but this may or may not be the right time to do that. He may be all for it, and then again he might not be ready. And that's okay. His emotions are very raw right now.
If your husband won't see a grief counselor, you can still see one. I can guarantee they will tell you that blaming....somebody, anybody, (although not a happy thing when you're on the end of it) is actually quite normal. He may even pile guilt on top of guilt for blaming you.
Depression can also be one of the stages so you want to watch out for that.
I'm really sorry all this has happened.
I believe you can both work through it though.
Best wishes.
I think he needs grief counseling and you may also need couples counseling. He needs to stop blaming you for his father's actions. Something bigger than you and DH was wrong with the man and is not your - or HIS - blame to hold.
You gave him a place to live for 6 months, and then bought him a plane ticket. You BENT OVER BACKWARDS to help out his stepfather to the detriment of your own marriage and family.
There is NO way you FILs death is your fault (unless, you know, you actually killed him).
He was a grown man. Family, but not a child that you abandoned completely incapable of taking care of himself. You can ONLY abandon kids and pets. Everyone else CAN take care of themselves.
I wonder if he is projecting his guilt onto you?? Because to be honest he is the son and did he really do everything he could for his dad? Was he there for him emotionally? Obviously his dad was not in a good place mentally and he should have been the one to pick that up-not you. It may be too traumatizing for him to look inward on this so he is focusing on you and your part.
It is not unreasonable to not want a person living in your kitchen. I would have done the same thing.
I completely agree with Laurie A. This situation is much bigger than placing a cross somewhere. Please get help to work through this.
First, i just want to say I hope you arent blaming yourself for this. This was not your fault at all. His dad was a big boy and made his decisions all by himself. I hope your husband gets the support he needs to realize this.
As far as things you can do. I too, love the tree idea. Did his dad have any hobbies? boating, fishing, etc.....Maybe you can do something he enjoyed in his honor. Make a family memory day out of it. If there is any way for you to get some of the ashes, that would be great if you could spread them at the same time.
Good luck to you, and give yourself a hug for still being a supportive wife. You deserve it!
Oh this is a terrible story, I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. Thank you for your so what happened, it helped clarify a lot that was confusing in the body of the post.
Having never been through anything remotely similar to this, i would also second the suggestion that professional counseling is the way to go - for both (maybe all - not sure how your kids took it?) of you. Easier said than done, only you know how well your husband will react to that suggestion. Perhaps a back door approach is for you also to talk to the Pastor and his friend (the two he's been confiding in) and let them know you'd really like to get some counseling together and have them suggest it if they are willing. I imagine he's more likely to listen if it comes form them given his emotional state.
Good luck to you, may you & your family find peace.
So sorry this all happened to your family. I think your husband is feeling guilty himself for not being able to do anything about it, and is taking it out on you since you are the closest. Im sure he cant mean it really is your fault for wanting what was best for you and your kids. You couldnt have seen this coming. His dad was an adult, his M. is an adult, and they should take care of themselves and not be a burden to you and your family. I think you would both benifit from counceling just to talk it thru and show him how mistaken he is when he blames you. Im sure he is thinking he should have done more. Like, had a bigger house, had more money, had ESP to read your dads mind, to be so strong and powerful he could save everyone, but he did what he could and it just turned out this way. Its no ones fault and he will need help to move on. Just be gentle with him and wait it out and he will figure it out eventually. What a sad way to lose a parent tho. You have my prayers.
Obviously, going to visit him at the cemetary would be one thing that you could do to show that you are sorry for what happened. A photo album, a nice framed picture, something that he can carry with him each day that would help him through this time would be good. Planting a memorial tree, or stone near the home would be nice. I think the main thing is time. Your husband needs time to grief. Seeing a counselor is also a good idea, especially if your husband is harboring those feelings towards you. It sounds like he isn't at peace, and talking things out would be of great benefit to you and him.
Planned what all along? To be killed and dumped in a dumpster?
I don't have a clue how to help him, but I know it is not your fault. I have known people that commited suicide and they planned it so no one could stop them no matter what. They never mentioned suicide and there were no attempts to get attention or help beforehand. No one could have known and you could never have known. Please don't accept the responsibility.
Oh my goodness! I am so sorry for this entire situation and for your loss. I just can't imagine. Please know that I am praying for you! It sounds like you are being supportive of your husband and that's about all you can do right now. You might encourage him to seek counseling from another source. Pastor's are AMAZING, I rely on mine for a lot, but this may need someone actually trained in psychiatry or something. I'm so sorry. Please continue to rely on God during this time and know there are even strangers praying for you and your family.
Praying for you and your husband.
He needs peace and comfort and wisdom at this time.
You need peace and comfort and faith in knowing you are not at fault.
I pray God will be with you as you go through this tough time in life.
What God brings you to - He will also bring you through it.
