Need Some Desperate Advice

Hi G.,

I dont think you are a bad person.
I think it may be because you are not happy in your marriage and you remember having happy times with this other man; so naturally you would think of him.

or maybe something greater is missing from you life that is causing you to not be happy??

I was having alot of problems and unhappiness until I came back home ( to GOD). Now I give all my problems to him and I have never been happier.

try getting into a bible based church ( i recently started going to Christ Fellowship) it very friendly there and they have alot of small groups.

I hope you find happiness...again,
S.

Dear G.,

Marriage is hard at times. What you and your husband did to each other is the past. For your children's sake talk to professionals like a marriage counselor.

As far as your EX-Boyfriend. Let him be. Try and make your marriage work.

Best of luck!

G. H.

Hi G.,
Of course you are not a bad person. We all can feel this way especially if we are resentful or mad at our husbands for not being exactly who we want them to be. I TOTALLY agree with Digna about life is life no matter who is with you. You have to be happy with in yourself.

I too go to Christ Fellowship Church and it is AWESOME! Very laid back church that makes you always feel welcome. It's a wonderful place to get connected to others and get busy doing something.

Go out on a date with your husband, do something fun! Make it hard for your husband to stop thinking about you;)

G.,

I am not even going to try to give you any of my own advise, as I have never been in your situation. However, I feel the need when I see another person in such a quandry and so obviously seeking some kind of help, to tell you that First and foremost, you have kids, their life happiness should be your first goal. I say seek GOD first (he can heal you in ways you can't begin to imagine, until, you take that leap to him) and 2nd, seek professional help from a therapist. You and your husband obviously have issues, but just as obviously love each other, or you would not have had such a long marriage, nor would you still be there.

I will be adding you to my prayers & I wish you all the Luck.

When times are tough in our marriages, we might tend to remember the "good times" we had with someone in our past. If we are having difficulties in our marriages, if we get "involved" with another, it tends to be exciting, romantic and oh so much better. The grass is not always greener on the other side. We as adults, must learn to deal with our past mistakes and learn on how not to repeat them. If you have children, then you should be more focused on working on your relationship with your husband and children. If you are no longer in love, getting along or want to be with him...then get a divorce. Learn to move on, but do it properly if you have to. Don't think about another affair. Value yourself and your children.
Once you have been divorced, then you can look into new relationships, new travels and new adventures. You can spend great times with your children. Glad you were brave enough to share this with us~Now be strong enough not to fall back into tempation.
~M.~

G.
You may not be aware of this, but whenever we are with someone intimately and NOT married to them, we create "soul ties"...in marriage you become ONE...this is why we must stay away from living that lifestyle because our spirits can not handle the intimacy with people that we aren't married to and in covenant with. It's always easy to be reminded of the fun and good times you had with someone else. You aren't with that person on a day to day basis, dealing with the pressures, ups and downs of life...like you are with your husband. You would have the SAME issues with you were with your ex...once the "honey moon" highs go away...they always do. Just like the new car or new shoes you purchased...you loved them and thought about them daily and were so jacked about wearing them or riding in it...then two weeks later...you noticed the dirt and upkeep it required and that passion and flame died. Well, everyone's grass lookes greener but dont forget, it still has to be cut and mowed and weeds pulled!!! Focus on your life now and put as much attention in to learning about your husband's needs and how to fuel that flame and fire. Read
THe Five Love Languages...figure your man out...put passion back in to your life...think of the great things he does for you and give him respect...it goes a long way and your life will be blessed!

i am sorry that you are having such a hard time! it is rough when you are going thru stuff like that. i am a very self destructive person when it comes to my relationships. i have always done what makes me happy regardless of the consequences. of course i have grown up now and realized that i cant do that to other people or myself anymore as i have a good hubby at home not to mention the 4 kids. when i get upset or pissed at my hubby, i still think of the people i had been with. it would be so easy for me to fall into the same routine i was in before and he would never know any better. but i cant do that. one thing that did nelp me from thinking about my ex that i almost got married to was seeing a photo of him now. of course he was blond and built and had dreams, he did become a firefighter as well as the air force but left those jobs. i missed and loved him so much. well now he is fat and bald and working as a sales clerk in a single wide mobile home with 2 kids. he doesn't speak with his mamma or sister and just let himself go. then i look at paul and realize how lucky i am. one thing that does help with us when we are mad or argue with each other is to email each other or write a letter. that way you can say what you need to without getting interupted. make sure to put on there that you are not trying to insult him and you are not trying to start a fight and to take a day or so or even just a few hours to think before writing a response but you felt that by writing each other, you can say what you need to and the other person can have time to think about what you said. that helps defuse the arguement and help not say things taht you would not normally say. never use capital letters unless it is in a good sentence. in toehr words dont put, you PISSED me off because that is like you are yelling at him but if you put that i still LOVE you that is good. good luck. i was unhappy for a good year or so but it is amazing how good it is to fall back in love. it doesnt work for everyone but it might work for you. good luck!
B. now married almost 5 years and together almost 8 and cant wait to see what the next 5 brings.

Giiirrrrllll....This is life. You see ladies...Us women go thru it too. We all, as humans, think the grass is greener on the other side and some of us actually take a taste of it and find themselves in this exciting new world...but then we come to the reality and reality sucks...Life is what we make of it. No matter who you are with in life, be it your husband or your friend, you will have stresses of finances, home, work, children and all else life brings. You may feel like you are in a rut right now but that's normal after so many years of marriage. I suggest and advice to stay with your husband and make things work. Life will still be life no matter what man is next to you. Its up to you to make it worthwhile and exciting but with your family. A SAHM gets depressed when there is nothing but home in their lives, don't let home be the only thing you have...take your free time and get busy with things you enjoy or try new things, make friends and enjoy your life along with your family. I know this sounds dumb but believe me, its real.

I have been married for 10 years and with my husband a total of 16. (Some happy years) I have never been with any man since being married but I can tell you that I think of my ex boyfriend a lot and I think the only reason I do is he is 1) the first person I ever loved 2) we broke up over the phone and I never felt closure from it. I know this might not be helpful but feelings are hard to stop no matter what situatation you are in.
M.

Funny how we forget the grass is always greener on the other side, eh? Once we are in the greener grass, it isn't what we thought it would be. I've never experienced what you are going through, but I think everyone who has previous intense relationships before they are married or even during them, can relate. It's human to wonder. But what you are saying is that you aren't happy in your marriage even now. You might want to talk to your doc about getting some help, if you want to stay being married to your husband. You also could be dealing with the same issue that started the affair in the first place, lack of trust with your husband. You might have not forgiven him or yourself. We beat the hell out our selves first over guilt. Another human trait. Good luck, Jen

I know exactly what you're talking about. I went through a similar set of circumstances with my husband almost ten years ago. I think about that other person from time to time....I usually remind myself of the foolishness of my mistake. Why are you thinking about him? you ask - because we all want things that we can't have, it's our nature my friend. God has given you a husband and two wonderful children, and a second chance with your husband since you're still together. Focus on all the good qualities in your husband, and on all the things you want to improve in yourself - not the other way around. Ask God to reveal these things to you my friend, if you humbly ask He will be faithful to answer you.

Hope that helps, if you ever need to talk I'm here...

: ) Becky

Hi , G. ,
I don't think you're a bad person , but what you've got your mind on is wrong , Hon. If you know your affair with this highschool flame was wrong , stop thinking about it.
If you're unhappy with your husband , it's time to do something about that. Whether it be that you want to leave him or that you need certain things from him you aren't getting , you need to deal with the situation you're in at the present.
And maybe that's what this is all about.
I am against extra-marital affairs. Nothing good ever comes from them. Even if you and your husband divorce , the other guy is still married , so he's off limits.
But the real issue is : can you and your husband be happy together ? Happiness and true love do not equal desires to cheat.
That said , I wish you the best in working this out. It won't be easy , but at least you'll be facing the real , underlying problem , where if you chose not to , it would resurface later , as it has done now.
~ A.

Hi G.,
I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. Marriage is so hard no matter how intense your love is for one another. Things get in the way bills, kids, different dreams and desires than one another etc. Having a second child is a true blessing but also more work. You got through it with your first and he/she is probably pretty self-sufficient and now 9 years later you are doing it all again. That has probably been a joy/strain on your marriage. When life is not glamorous sometimes we tend to dream about things or people that at one time made us happy and become a bit infatuated with the idea because we are going through a rough spell. The only thing I can suggest is try to turn around the situation. Have date night with your husband or go away for the weekend or simply send your kids away if money is an issue. Try to reconnect. My husband and I have been together 5 1/2 years married for three and we have had financial rough times which has made it difficult at times. It seems at these times if we do something together we both enjoy it helps revive things and put everything in perspective. Maybe you aren't in the right marriage but if you can try to see if it can work. The grass is always greener on the other side in our minds but not always the way we thought it would be in actuality. Hope that helps. Have a good weekend.