Please help me. Very long story, so I'll try to just give the essentials. I just told my husband that I want a divorce. He is an alcoholic, although he denies it. He has never been violent, but he is unpredictable when he is drinking. He is also a law enforcement officer. He is so irate that I want a divorce and so afraid that I will use his alcoholism against him that he is saying that I am the crazy one and that he is not going to agree to any custody agreement with me until I get mentally evaluated. (Yes, I am willing to get a psych evaluation.) His mom is also egging him on and telling him that I am going to take the kids away from him and take all of the money.
I asked him to move out tonight, and he refused because he says he doesn't trust me with alone with the kids. He thinks I am setting him up for a nasty divorce and that I have meticulously planned this out for a long time. He was actually willing to stay the night at a hotel for tonight, be he has no plans on moving out. I am willing to move out, but I won't leave without the kids.
I do not feel that the kids are safe with him when he is drinking, but I think he will be able to stay sober in the short term. He is a good father when he is sober.
I want out of this marriage NOW. Thanks to mamapedia, I have finally realized that he is quite abusive to me. It has really escalated in the last few weeks. I have friends who are willing to offer me and the kids any help I need, but I don't have any family in the area. I have retirement accounts and a mutual fund account in my name only with about $300k, but I have been out of the work force for more than 10 years. I know I will need to get a job pronto. I have three kids ages 8, 5, and 2-1/2 years old.
My question: How do I get us in separate housing situations (I am willing to move out, but I want a joint custody agreement) ASAP? Have any of you been in this situation? My husband is convinced that I am having an affair, my friends have brainwashed me, or I am just crazy. He is acting fine around the kids, but he cannot stop berating me, interrogating me, or trying to tell me that I everyone he knows agrees with him that I am crazy.
He is coming back in the morning because he took our only car to the hotel for the night, and I need to take the kids to school tomorrow. My heart has been racing all night, because it took all the courage in the world for me to tell him I wanted a divorce. Any advice? Words of encouragement? I can't believe this is my life right now.
Thank you so much for all of your help. I am seeing an attorney today.
Differs from state to state but you can take the kids with you where ever you want but he has every right to see them. When you walk away from the home it gives him the advantage to keeping the house but not the kids.
I have no advice, but just hang in there. Hugs, and I wish you the very best. Your kids are lucky to have such a strong mom who has the courage to do what's best for them and herself. Good luck in all this, stay safe.
Get an attorney-your husband's threats are empty and without merit, his suspicions are indicative of his narcissism; you have $300k in a retirement account and one car? That just screams control. Take it easy, don't be impulsive; there will be hearings to determine temporary support and custody-divorce is a process, it takes time-raising and parenting your children-that's forever-don't be hasty-be smart, put emotion aside, your focus is the well-being of your children-they are everything. Your friends have brainwashed you? Look around, I am willing to bet you have friends who love you and support you and admire you, and he cannot stand it-he has to tear you down and make you think you are worthless and he is your only hope-wrong-he sounds like a sick misogynist. Get a good attorney-your husband will most likely have to pay your legal fees as he is the wage earner in the family. You have little children-don't worry, you'll get through this-good luck.
get off mama pedia and google women's shelters and ask for some advice on how to retain custody and be safe
I just want you to make sure you and your kids are safe for the night. An alcoholic mixed with the law enforcement mentality, mixed with anger is not good. I agree that you should have friends stay with you while he cools off. I don't know the legal ramifications if you go to a shelter? Do you know anyone on the force that could intervene on your behalf if he gets violent? Maybe a female officer??
You should be very proud of yourself for doing this!! Now stay safe!
You do need to get a lawyer, but know that most joint custody families do not switch every day like the family in Gamma G's example. The ones I know all do 7 day rotations, but the other concerns still stand, you have to know if you can work together as co-parents or if he will stand in your way out of spite.
You have received some very good advice here already.
Just be sure, you get together any important paperwork, money you have
on you personally, phone, phone charger, car/house keys, a few items
for the kids (favorite blankets, pj's, extra pair of clothes, extra pair of
shoes).
Take all of these things except your phone, charger & keys to a trusted
friend's house to leave.
Tell YOUR trusted friends.
Can you have a friend come over for when he comes home?
Don't agreet to take an test.
These days almost all divorces result in a 50/50 custody but you can try
for full custody.
Meet w/a lawyer today. Most will give a free 30 mins consultation. I agree you need a good lawyer. Another poster gave you a good advice
about not agreeing to take a test.
He's in law enforcement, right? Don't let him try to intimidate you with
that. They're crafty but they are not above the law.
Don't let him intimidate you when he says "everyone he knows agrees
w/him that you're crazy". That's intimidation & control. That is class A
signs of a controlling abuser.
Another poster gave you great advice about using nondefensive language. (I think her name is "my mission". She's right.).
Be careful and wishing you all the best of luck.
Do not do anything without talking to a attorney first. Do not let your kids "stay" with anyone but you. From what I have heard this is abandonment and could cause you to L. your kids. Make sure they are always safe or he could us that against you. Always have them stay with you. Do not take the mental test or do anything without a attorney. It could be used against you. Laura's House in San Clemente, California is a great woman's shelter. They have lots of knowledge. They have a 24 hour hotline. Search around for the best attorney. This is just my opinion and from what I have seen though girlfriends divorces.
do not move out and definitely take care of your kids. C. locks immediately before he comes back. You might, if you let him back into the house, be setting your self up for him to become violent. Stay strong!!!
You don't want joint custody. If you can stay away from that do so. It's so hard when you need to do anything and you have to get his permission to do it.
Chances are you won't get child support or spousal support either. He'll want to claim the kids since he has them 50% of the time. He'll want to have it all his way.
He can so no to any child care situation you find for the kids, he can say no to sports, dance, music, everything just to be spiteful.
Just as you can say no to anything he wants.
It gets horrible very quickly.
My friend that has joint custody gets her child after school one day, she works nights so she has to pay someone to come to her house and sleep when she has her daughter. They get her daughter up and ready for school. When mom gets off work and home she takes kiddo to school. Dad has a babysitter pick kiddo up from school then when he gets off work kiddo goes to dad's house, goes to bed, gets up the next morning and goes to school.
She has very few friends, has no sense of home, is depressed and cries from the time she wakes up at mom's unless mom drops her off at school. She spends the whole morning begging her to not make her go to her dad's after school.
It gets worse.
My friends mother was dying. They told my friend if she wanted to see her om alive she needed to come to California as soon as possible. Her mom and her daughter had been very close when the couple was still married and living out there. Her ex told her of course her daughter could go with her but she had to be there at her scheduled time the next day. Basically mom could go but daughter could not go see her beloved grandmother before she died.
On top of that he asked her when she said she'd made arrangements to fly out the next morning who would be picking the kiddo from school after school. He had plans and since it wasn't his day to have her overnight he expected her to take care of their daughter on her own days even when she was going to be with her dying mother.
She had her regular babysitter take her the whole time she was scheduled to have her daughter.
This ex is cold, manipulative, and a drinker too. He yells at her if she doesn't jump and do what he says, it's such a bad situation. I truly think joint custody is a bad idea for anyone due to how bad this man is.
If he gets a new job out of town/state you might have to move too so you can keep the visitation schedule.
Find a job tomorrow...at least get your applications out. If he takes the kids and won't let you have them there are things you can do such as charging him with interference with parental rights. He has as much right to see his children as you have to see them too.
Now that you've made up your mind I suggest getting to work as soon as possible.
I would file the paperwork with an attorney and file for full custody. Ask for child support and spousal support.
I'm sure you will get great advice from this site. I've found it to be so helpful during times of struggle. I truly don't have any great advice for you from personal experience. However, it sounds like you need to consult with an attorney, if you haven't already done that. You need to know your rights so you can feel empowered with the choices you make. Good luck to you.
You need a lawyer to file a temporary emergency custody agreement. My daughter is in the middle of this right now. The agreement they have right now is that she has the kids from Sunday at noon drop off at school on Wednesday morning. Ex gets them from school Wed afternoon he keeps them til Saturday noon. They take turns with the Saturday. It is working so far.
