Needing Some Wisdom

HI E.,
Congratulations!! I know you are looking for encouraging words and I hope you don't find these discouraging... there is a silver lining!! Be prepared to be really busy and very tired for a good while. It is exponentially harder to have two kids as it is to have one. I think the difficult time comes later, when the baby starts to move about, crawling and "getting into" your toddler's stuff and taking up more of your attention for supervision.

However, hopefully your 2 year old is still napping in the afternoon and you will be able to get the two on a nap schedule within a few months and/or at least get a break when one or the other is napping.

Try to include your 2 year old as much as possible in being your big helper. Get outside for walks or park time as much as you can. I wore my son in a sling and then baby bjorn when he was small. It's amazing how much or a difference 20 minutes outside will make for you and your 2 year old. Let the housework go as much as you can stand it... there will be time later for it and it's more important for you to get a rest when you can. Ask your husband and/or friends and family for help. Try to double cook when you make items (like lasagna) that can be frozen for later. My experience also was that when my older child needed attention she really needed it. If I set aside 20 minutes to do something with her she was content to give me time later to do what I needed to do.

The good news is that your kids will be close enough in age that they will play together later and that is a huge thing to look forward to when times are tough in the beginning. Our two are 22 months apart and great friend and playmates.

Don't worry... you'll find the balance!! Enjoy them~ the time moves quickly!

I feel your concern! I had my second daughter 10 weeks ago and my son is 2.5. I'm still learning and figuring some things out, but here's what I've got so far...

Right after the baby is born, GET SOME HELP. Have someone else cook and clean and YOU take the time to heal and recuperate from birth. You need that energy and physical endurance to deal with the older sibling.

Involve the older sibling. My son wanted to touch the baby and play with her. I always monitor him, of course, but I let him touch her all he wants and helped him hold her and burp her. He learned to love her because she "belongs" to him now.

Make the older sibling a helper, if he/she wants to be. Don't push it if they don't want to help. But my boy will run and fetch diapers, wipes, rash cream, and everything. He holds toys in front of hte baby to distract her while I change her. He can pick up things I drop. I give him loads of praise for being a good helper.

Oh, here's a primary one -- get a routine going! This was a big one for me. If the 2 year old knows what is supposed to happen, they are happier and more compliant. It gives you a sense of purpose and not of floating or feeling helpless.

Get a naptime going where all three of you are sleeping at the same time, if you can. They baby sleeps most of the time anyway. THis made a huge difference for me. I was yelling and making my son cry by dinnertime becuase I was bone weary, exhausted, slow to heal, and alone in caring for them. Just napping with them made their naps last longer and I got much needed rest. I could be patient all the way through bedtime when I took a nap for myself.

Involve both of them in whatever you do. I find that, for example, if I'm trying to cook, if I let my son "help" he's kept busy and entertained. All the while I'm singing and explaining and showing things to the baby and she's entertained enough to be quiet and watch (if she's not hungry, tired, etc.). Sometimes my son will sit and rock the baby in her baby carrier while I cook and that keeps her quiet. It keeps both of them entertained. My talking and singing to the baby also seems to interest my son and I often find him watching and listening as well.

Sometimes I just let the baby cry. I don't mean "cry it out," but if I can't get her easily settled and I'm in the middle of changing my son's diaper, for example, I'll let her cry until his diaper is changed. All the while I talk out loud to the baby (for my son's benefit) and tell her that she just has to wait because Mommy is helping big brother and big brother has to wait A LOT for Mommy to help her. He LOVES that -- make the baby wait because Mommy is helping him.

If at all possible, carve out some alone time with your 2 year old. My son's rambunctious behavior decreased quite a bit when I started to spend Nathaniel/Mommy time with him each day where sister wasn't involved at all (she was sleeping).

Don't feel bad if some days seem really trying. I still have days where I cry because I feel like I'm a bad mother and not cut out to care for more than one child at a time. That's another tip, come to think of it. Focus on what you are good at or what you're doing right. Don't spend time thinking about what you should have, could have, would have done if only...

So I leave you with those thoughts and will take my own advice for that last one... :-) Best of luck to you. No worries. You can do it!

It's amazing, but you figure it out pretty quickly. I remember being stranded on a mound with a newborn and two other kids under 5, waiting for my husband to fetch the car, and thinking, if one kid runs out into the street or gets snatched, how the heck do I rescue him/her and leave the other two?

But within a couple of weeks I had it down.

Just be sure and give your two year old extra attention and praise, so you avoid sibling rivalry.

Dear E.,
I think a lot of women can sympathize with you.
My niece had a two year old girl and delivered twin boys in February.
The wonderful thing about moms is that their heart just grows big enough.
You can't over-plan for something you've never been through before, but you can find a system that works as things come along and give yourself a break when it comes to thinking everything has to be smoothe sailing and perfect.
My oldest child will be 23 in October and my main bit of advice is to just remember when you feel like tearing your hair out, there are so many things to treasure about this time in your life.
Congratualtions and I know you'll do a great job!

Hi E.!

I felt EXACTLY the same way, I have a now 33 month old son and a 9 month old daughter. It will be hard at first, but you will figure it all out to work for you all, just like you did when your first came along. It gets easier as the baby gets older and you all get used to everything.

At the beginning - take all the help with anything that you can! Also, someone told me that when it comes down to it, the infant won't remember having to wait a minute for the other, where the toddler will...obviously you tend to whichever is highest priority at the moment, but this advice will come into play sometimes. And, have your toddler help/be involved with the baby as much as possible, help change diapers (I taught mine how to throw the diapers in the diaper pail!), help with the bath... anything so the baby is part of the whole family, not just mommy's. :) And, make sure to spend some alone time with each kid each day, even if it's only 15 minutes.

And, get a carrier (Bjorn, Moby Wrap, etc) - you'll need it more than you ever did before!

Hope this helps, and feel free to email me anytime for words of encouragement! Good luck, and enjoy, while crazy and hard, it's the most fun you'll ever have.

S.

I would read 'Siblings Without Rivalry' by A. Faber-- it's very insightful on sibling dynamics and will help put many of your fears at rest.

Hi mama,
Well I just had my second son, 6 weeks old today, and m first son is 21months and I feel for your fear, it is hard with two but it is also great and you will find the energy to share your love with them both. I try to include the older one in the care of the younger one as "my Helper" so he gets attention while I tend to little one My older son LOVES his little brother and does not seem jealous and enjoys caring for him. I use a sling and carriers for the infant so that I can still play with my older son and give him that one on one attention. Plus a eew born sleeps so
much you do end up having some free time with out an infant. It is a transition period, at times it is difficult- my biggest struggle is figuring out nap times but I think I am figuring it out as little baby gets more of a schedule. Be Felxible and you will find the balance between your 2 kids and one day they will be there to entertain and love each other and you can have some free time
Take naps when you can and have lots of play dates set up for your toddler

My kids are 19 months apart, and let me assure you that it will be okay. Some specific things I found helpful:

Have you husband make juice/milk cups up for you the night before as well as a sandwich for you for lunch. Also, if he could unload clean dishes from the dishwasher. I found all these things very difficult to do while holding a new baby. This way you can just grab and go.

Make and freeze as many meals as you can while you're pregnant. I went to one of those meal prep places and got 12 or so done. Then, I sent my hubby back for more!

Also, if you don't already have a baby sling of some sort ( I used a Moby Wrap) this is very helpful. I found myself putting baby #2 in this as I did things around the house.

Also, I got an opaque box and put different toys in it each night as I picked up. When I nursed #2, kid #1 played the game of "guess what's inside" and "how'd that get in there?" It took a while to do and he rediscovered all his own toys.

Also, if anyone offers help - accept it!

Good luck. HTH
C.

My kids are 19 months apart and it was a little crazy in the beginning. We survived!!! My girls are now 8 and almost 7. The biggest suggestion I can give you is to get them to take naps at the same time - otherwise you will be exhausted. Now this won't start immediately and obviously the baby is going to sleep more than the 2 year old, but if you can get at least once a day of them sleeping together -that will give you some time to yourself - SLEEP!!! Do not do chores, relax, this will give you energy to keep going.

Second suggestion is have your 2 year old be "mommy's helper" have her help you get a diaper, baby's blanket, etc. Then if you can on the weekend when dad is around take your 2 year old out for the two of you to have some time together. The best thing about two kids is you have to arms to love them with. To this day both of my girls still love to sit on my lap together and there is plenty of love to go around!

Good Luck!

Hello E. E: Being the mother of 5 and the foster mother of several more children, I want to assure you that there is always plenty of love and good as well as bad moments with any size family.
I always tell my family that Love is like a big rubber band - it can stretch out and still hold its shape and when one person steps out of the family circle the band may get a bit smaller but it does not loose its strength. When a new person is added to the family unit the band can only be stronger and more flexable to make it all worth everything that you will have to do.
My husband and I adopted a saying that goes" No success in the world can compensate for failure in the home" Which does not mean that all will be perfect or that each child will be perfect either but look for the long haul 20 years from now and visulize that picture in your heart.
Just enjoy being a parent, your not a playmate or a buddy you are the parent and that is such a special role that is better than anything I have ever experianced.
I was blessed to live (with my siblings) with an Aunt and Uncle who already had 6 children and they had my Aunts youngest sister's 2 children as well.
Things were pretty crazy and not always as we may have desired. BUT I AM GRATEFUL TO SAY, that everynight they told group stories, talked to us, said prayers with us and made us each feel like we belonged. This very Aunt has taught me how to be a mother, friend, & woman just by her example. So please don't let fear over ride your enjoyment of a beautiful child you now have and the angle that is coming. Enoy the great adventure into parenthood. It will be the best thing that you will do. Feel free to contact me if you ever need to, Nana G

E.,
My kids are 15 months apart, and yes it is rough at first. But it does get easier. At 15 months, my oldest liked to help out and get diapers. When my youngest was able to crawl, she liked checking out her big brother's toys and thus began them playing together. I read somewhere that it's good to have a basket with toys and books near where you feed the baby so that you have things you can do with the older one while the baby is eating. And there are plenty of educational tv shows (we usually record them) that your older one can watch while you're doing things for the baby. A few good things that came out of having my kids close together are that my 2nd learned to fall asleep on her own early on and now they can do a lot of activities together.
Best of luck!
C.

You've got lots of good advice and I don't think I can really add anything new. But I can tell you that as a mom of a 2 month old, 1 year old and 3 year old, don't worry about it! You will adapt as you go just like with the first baby. You are giving your toddler a sibling, which is a wonderful gift! My 1 (almost 2) year old and 3 year old are sooo close. They LOVE to play together. My husband and I do try to have special days with each kid alone. For instance, my husband took my 3 year old hiking by himself while I watched the other two. Another day I took the 1 year old to the playground by herself. This gives them important one-on-one attention, and we find they don't need much. For us, if each kid gets some alone time with one parent a week it works out. When you find it hard to make time you can do something as simple as take one along for a trip to the grocery store. Also, it's likely they won't have the same sleeping schedules for a while, so you can hang out with one while the other sleeps.

One final thought is that you will eventually need to start looking for activities that are fun for both kids. That's an art! You have plenty of time to figure it out since the baby will just be along for the toddler's ride for several months. Later you will need to be more creative.

Oh, and there are some good books like "I'm a Big Brother/Sister," and "What a Baby Needs." Those are great for a two-year-old!

Hi...I worried about this too and wondered how I would ever be able to love my second as much as the first. Stop worrying. You will work it out when in happens. You don't know what your second child will be like. What you can do is start now with a mother's helper coming a few days after school ( a teenager works great). Your first child will get used to having them around and with them playing together and then will actually look forward to it when the baby arrives. When the baby arrives, use the time the mother's helper is there to take a shower, watch a program, take a nap, exercise...something for yourself. Read to your 2 year old so that daily so that it becomes a special time for a few minutes for sitting down and being together without the tv on or other distractions. If the baby cries or needs feeding, you can still look at a book or talk while feeding. The main thing is that you don't stress about it. Just as you adjusted to having the first, you will adjust with the second. Congratulations!

Hi E.. I have a 3 y.o and a 10 month old. TO encourage you, they are very close and loving toward eachother. I involved my 3 y/o daughter along the whole process and would have her sing to my tummy while I was pregnant. I also told her she would be a "big" sister, which made her feel more grown. Once we had the baby, we did have to deal w/ her testing us a bit more b/c she knew we were pre occupied with the new baby. But, I would have her right there when I'd change him, etc. She never showed any jealousy, just the "testing" phase. She always play peek a boo w/ him. As a matter of fact, she is the one that taught him how to play. When she walks in the room, he smiles from ear to ear. To this day, they have a wonderful bond. It melts my heart to see her talk to him in her "sweet" voice. As for one on one time, I would have that with the toddler when baby is napping and vice versa. Sometimes, I would have all three of us nap together when the baby was a newborn.

I went through the exact situation last fall and you have to have faith that everything will be just fine. The first four months are a bit hairy - it really is the "fourth trimester." But as your baby settles down in to a more predictable routine, you too will feel more settled. There will be guilt and frustration about meeting each one's needs, but that too shall pass.

Some tips:
Try to develop a routine with each phase and development.
Don't overextend yourself.
Housework can wait - enjoy your time with your family.
Let your husband help A LOT.
Order take-out or have someone else cook meals.

It does get better!

Feel free to email me if you need support or ideas. (My kids are 6mos apart - 2.5yo and 6mo.)

GL

Hi! E.:
I know exactly how you are feeling! My son and daughter are 16 months apart. I remember my sister would ALWAYS ask me "what are you going to do with two babies?!" Well, I didn't know because I had never had two babies and honestly had no idea!! I had mentioned to one of my girlfriends one time that I was concerned about being able to love the second baby like I did the first one, as if I wouldn't have enough love for both. I was also crying while talking to her about this! She was pregnant with her third and completely reassured me that I would have plenty of love for both (and I do)!!!
You really don't know how you're going to care for both of them at the same time and give them both the same amount of attention until your second one is here. Also, make sure you have PLENTY of help when you first come home. I had my sister and my husband for the first three days and then my husband's aunt came and stayed with us for almost a week! I don't know if you will be breastfeeding but, if you are, that is where the majority of your time will be and you want to make sure that your older child is given plenty of attention by daddy and whomever is helping you. Then, once everyone is gone, you just have to get your own groove/schedule going. You will figure it out and find what works best for you and your family.
My children are now 3 and 22 months and we all survived!!!
Good luck! Happy Mother's Day!!!

My daughter turned 2 in February and I have a 7 week old baby. The 1st month was extremely hard, and my husband stayed home the 1st 2 weeks to help. My daughter started having horrible tantrums and almost acted mad at my husband and I, but she was very living to the baby. She did get tons of attention from her grandparents and my husband and we bought her big sister gifts etc. I was nervous about my husband going back to work and how I would keep a 2 year old entertained while nursing and changing diapers, but after a couple weeks my daughter is (almost) back to her sweet self. I did buy the book "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" and I think the techniques work really well for a 2 year old.A lot of my friends told me that she will adjust in 4-6 weeks and she did. I am starting to get used to balancing 2 kids. I have learned to have to my oldest daughter help me a lot. Also, when the baby is sleeping I try to spend one on one time with her. I know it seems scary at 1st, but after the initial shock it will start getting easier. I also noticed that the 2nd baby seems so much easier because I was not nervous and I knew what to expect. Good Luck

My main advice for the early months is to wear the baby. I have two 22 months apart, and I think the only thing that kept me slightly sane was being able to go out to playgrounds and spend lots of time outside with the two-ish year old. I have a carrier that even let me nurse my baby on the go, since sitting down to nurse would have been a struggle while keeping up with my older son.

My baby is now almost 16 months old, and it is still crazy at times. There's no getting around the fact that there is just one of me and two of them (I'm a stay at home mom and my husband is not home a lot).

I think finding ways to not be caring single handedly for two is a great idea. I haven't tried a mother's helper, but I know that would have immensely improved my quality of life. I did put my older son in preschool a few mornings a week starting right before the baby arrived. He loves it, and it both gave me a bit of a break (less so now that the baby is a busy toddler), and reassured me that my son is getting a lot of quality interaction and stimulation even on days when I was so sleep deprived I had little to offer.

E.,

I too was faced with this dilema at the birth of my second daughter. My girls are 20 days shy of being 2 years apart, and this was a huge concern for me as well. There will inevitably be times when caring for the two will become conflictual, but really this will not come up often. You are already a mother and I am sure, a master multi-tasker. I was told by a mother of four prior to my second delivery and she said besides making sure the newborn is fed, clean and comfortable, respond to your older child first. They are the ones who will remember being pushed to the side for the new addition and the ones who will be most affected by the sudden change. This advice was hard to understand in the beginning, but it made sense. I am not advocating for totally ignoring the needs of the new baby, but just being mindful of the older child and how this is a major change that will take them time to adjust to the growth in the family. As your children get older there will be times when one will have get more attention than the other, but this balance will come in time. Now my baby will be 1 next month and my other daughter will be 3 in July and everybody gets their proper "mommy time", when they need it and when they want it.

This was a HUGE concern of mine during my second pregnancy so I totally understand where you are coming from and this is a valid concern. It will work itself out and be sure to give each one their individual time. When the baby sleeps, give some time to your oldest. Kids this age only need about 10-20 minutes, if that long of one on one time and they will be good for hours. Besides they will check in with you periodically and just be sure to be available when this happens. I hope this helps.
- T.

Congratulations and RELAX!!! I am a single mother of 5 and had number 5 while already single - it can be fun and rewarding.

Back when I had two kids I got the older one up and hour before the baby and we had our one hour of alone time everyday - she loved it! Then I put her to bed an hour before the baby so I could have alone time with the baby. I did this for 5 years until daughter number three was born and the girls cherished it!

Get the two year old involved as much as you can with caring for the baby - get a diaper pail with the flip top so its easy enough for the two year old to flip the diapers into the pail - get a diaper holder low enough the two year old can hand you the diapers. Get the two year old a baby doll with a bottle and a special chair near your so he/she can feed her baby while you feed the new baby.

Prop the baby in an infant seat on the floor while you play with the older one. My 3rd was born three days before Christmas and even at three days old she was mesmerized by watching her big sisters opening their presents and playing on the floor in front of her. Get Tupperware/Rubbermaid type bowls with lids for their pacificers + color code the bowls so the older one knows which one his theirs - then the older one can safely bring you the babies pacifier without fear of getting it dirty. Even if the older one doesn't use a pacifier anymore - you have to buy one cause guarantee they will want one - LOL. My five year olds even did - didn't suck on it, but wanted to be special like the baby. Make the matching blankets...

Enjoy

Hi!
My two little girls are 17 months apart. It will be difficult in the beginning especially, but try your best to have them sleep at the same time. If not, then you won't ever have a moment to yourself. This helped me tremendously! Good luck....

When I was pregnant with my second child a women in line at a coffee shop gave me the best advice.

If both of your children start to cry at the same time, attend to the older one first. The baby won't remember but the toddler will and it may generate jealousy/anger if they feel the baby is taking mom away from them. Once my daughter was secure that she was still my top priority, she became very loving and protective and helpful toward the baby even at such a young age (they are only 16 mo. apart).

The second bit of great advice she gave was at least twice a month (once a week is even better) go on a date w/ your husband and talk about everything but the kids.