Neighbor Taking Advantage-- What Do I Say??

Hmm.. I think a privacy fence would be a great investment. I'd probably take the wussy way out and just tell her my internet is down, I've hired a cleaning company so I got rid of my vacuum, my psychic advisor says not to get too friendly with neighbors... either she'll eventually get the point and leave you alone, or she'll drive you more nuts and you can feel good when you decide to be rude. Though I do agree with the person who suggested making a point of telling her that it's "family time."

M.,

It's horrible to hear that you are in this predicament. I agree that you shouldn't feel badly. Just say no. When she asks to borrow something say, I'd prefer not. Don't answer WHY. If she asks to come into your home, say NO.

Should she confront you, feel free to answer her politely and honestly. Tell her that you're not comfortable watching her children or how much they borrow things. That it isn't anything against her personally, but the few little "favors" have gone beyond your comfort level.

If she get offended, that's her problem.

Should you want to "leave the door open" to having her and or her kids over, just be clear on the boundries. For example: Tell her that her kids can come over WITH HER once a week. That you feel overwhelmed with having so many kids running around and you appreciate her sticking around to watch all the kids with you, i.e. no leaving, no checking e-mail, etc.

I hope this helps. Just remember, you saying no preserves your family time and life. It's her problem if she gets offended.

Best of luck.

Maybe make your business a priority when talking to her. You can't be letting her use the computer or be talking on the phone with her or even visiting during __am to __pm because of your job. That said, you couldn't be out playing with the kids during those times of day. Maybe set that routine up and she'll fade away?

I know with kids it's hard to not be in the yard, but maybe try to stay in or go to the park to play instead? Put some space between you and her. Don't answer those calls, don't return them. I hate to say be rude, but...

Practice this over and over.....saying "NO" in front of a mirror! You need to learn to say it! It is NICE to be a nice neighbor but, it is okay to turn down the offer to do ANYTHING if it is not a convenient time for you. The occasional "emergency" is one thing - those that chronically live in "emergency mode" should not, continually make it your emergency, and your allowing it to become your emergency, over and over, just enables her. The NICE person in you will feel guilty when you say "NO, I'm sorry, I just ...(..."can't have you check your e-mails right now"...(she can get a library card in town to check e-mails there.....) "don't like to lend out my vacuum/mop etc..."....but you have to learn to say no. My neighbors and I do go back-and-forth when our children are home alone. Their children and my children know who to call in an emergency situation but...I've rarely had to rely on my neighbors in situations like that. It is also nice to know that I can borrow a stick of butter or somebody needs sugar from me but no one takes advantage of each other in that way. And....your last line...."when we are in the yard playing I can't say I'm busy?????" BUT YOU ARE!!!! You are spending quality time with YOUR OWN family. If their children come over and you wish they weren't there..."Sorry, we're busy/family time....etc..."Even if you are taking that lovely, rare moment to sit and enjoy your own company, you DO NOT have to feel guilty or owe anyone an explanation beyond "I'm sorry, I was busy!" You owe it to your neighbors to be kind and respectful and the same respect should be given to you. Live in your house and yard the way you want to live. Don't set up a "routine" or lie that you are "working" because you feel you have to justify your time! You'll resent where you live because you will have allowed the neighbor to run your life and that would be very sad. Good luck!

I would just let her know that you guys need to talk about the situation. Just tell her how you feel in the nicest way possible. Let her know that you appreciate her company but that you would like some alone time with your boys or just some alone time. Hopefully she gets it. Good Luck!

I know how hard it is to say no to someone. You can't hide from your neighbors and you shouldn't be a prisoner in your own home. I hate confrontation and could never go out for coffee and tell her how I feel like someone wrote. I would avoid her calls and try to act stand offish when I was outside and hope she eventually got the hint. She sounds really needy. She doesn't seem to have any boundaries. Good Luck! Try to be strong.

M., you are such a nice person - but don't let her continue to walk on you, that's what she is doing.

What you consider rude behavior is probably just what needs to be done. A person like this will mistake common courtesy for a sign that says 'take advantage of me'. This is a kind of street-smart ethic and, in my opinion suggests that she comes from a questionable upbringing - I'd watch her child(ren) closely around mine if I were you. Of course you do not want to model rude behavior in front of the kids. She needs to be taught the lesson that she is mistaking kindness and class for being a chump.

I have had friends and neighbors like this, and it is exactly why I do not socialize with my neighbors. I learned this in a previous neighborhood - my current neighbors might think I am stuck-up or whatever but I do not care. I say 'hi, how are you' or wave but that's it. When you're stuck with a neighbor like this you have little control and I know how it feels.

Above all else, learn to say 'no' with no other explanation - a firm 'no' and then stop. She will object once or twice and you must reply again with a firm 'no'. It is good for your kids to see that part too (after all, it's not altogether unlike giving-in to peer pressure).

Once you have stopped her in her tracks with a simple 'no', then, take her to the side (where the kids cannot hear) and let her know that you were thinking about her the other day and realized that everytime you hang out or do her a favor it is leaving you feeling very dragged down. A true friend should leave you feeling uplifted.

Tell her everytime you see her heading over to your yard you feel like your privacy is being invaded and you feel afraid of what she's going to ask for next - ask her if she thinks it's right that you should feel that fear from a friend???....but you want your children to be able to play together.

She will likely find a way to keep doing it anyway - like I said, she will mistake courtesy for a signal that you are a doormat so you are going to have to be very firm without coming off like a b*ch.

Believe it or not, friends like this can end up being good friends once they recognize what they are doing to you and that you have limits to your good will.

You might need a favor from her one day - and she'll owe you, big time! :-) Good luck

Try the active listening approach. Focus on her actions and not her person. Understand that she is not going to get the message unless you say something, so say it. Use a non-judgmental, unemotional tone of voice and make sure she is taking it in. If you have to do it more than once, so be it. Being on good terms with one's neighbor is a boon in life, worth some effort. "Sally, I have a problem with your asking for favors every day. It makes me feel anxious, because I have a business to run and often feel stressed about it. (Don't go into a lecture or say more than this) Would you please limit your requests. Please think it over before you call and try to work it out without me. Can you begin to do that?" I would say tht it's okay for her to always tell her boys to call you when she's gone a short time and she doesn't have to check with you about it. Reassure her that you want the children to play together. If an incident comes up with her boys being too rowdy or destructive, speak up to her again. She really needs to learn to consider your feelings. Use the same format: a problem, makes me feel annoyed( use weak words, she's already on the defensive and to say angry will get her more defensive)because I don't want my boys to be have like that and you know, kids are such imitators. Please speak to them about it, or I will if you prefer that. Is it agreed?"

"Now is not a good time" or some other answer that is more your style. Do not get stuck arguing with her or justifying. Remember that you do not owe her your time or your things. It is hard because she is your neighbor, but you have your own family/work/chores to deal with. When you are outside and she comes over, say "Now is not a good time" and send her back home. When she calls and says "Oh, I have a terrible emergency! Bobby spilled juice all over my kitchen and the kids are running through it! I must have a mop immediately!" Say, "Now is not a good time. I have to get going." and hang up the phone. If she corners you and wants to know why you are being so rude to her, tell her you don't mean to be rude you just feel she was taking advantage of your kindness. Set the boundaries you are comfortable with "Your daughter is welcome to come play when we're outside, but I can't lend you my things or let you use my computer because it has caused to much disruption to my business/household/whatever".

The other option is to invite her out for coffee or something -- just the two of you in neutral territory -- and have a discussion with her explaining how you feel and letting her know the boundaries. Her response will let you know whether you can continue a friendship or not. She will either be respectful and stop the constant harassment or she will be angry and justify her behavior and make more demands on you. If she demands anything from you, you have to be rude and take a total hard line. If she is respectful, you can work with her and probably be friends.

HI M.,

This can be a difficult situation. I understand your kids wanting to play with the neighbors. Maybe you could try explaining to your kids that you would just like time to play with them alone and then when/if the neighbors come over tell them this is your "family" time so they will have to go home. (and say it with a smile though) Maybe sometime when your neighbor wants to borrow something you could light heartily mention to her about making a shopping list to pick up these items she is missing. Ignore her calls if you must and tell her your tied up at the moment so whatever she wants will not work out right now. If you are outside you may have to explain to them that you are trying to have your own "family time". This may not be easy but it has worked with some of my situations. (mainly children though)
It is good to know your neighbors and there is nothing wrong with visiting occasionally but you don't have to be together all the time.
Good luck, I hope things work out for the good for you.

J. J.

"I'm sorry, I can't." OR "I'm sorry, now is not a good time."
Then, "Hope it works out for you."

Then hang up, or excuse yourself to go do something else. This is just for the requests to borrow and use.

You are going to have to be blunt with this type of person. Tell her you have no problem being friends, but you cannot be the one she runs to for all her "emergencies" any longer because you are not that comfortable with it. You prefer not to loan out your things or your home and do not feel comfortable watching her children when you have your own daily agenda going on. The kids can play and you can chit chat as friends on occasion, but you cannot be there for her at all hours during each day. Tell her she is asking too much of you at this time and you are not able to accommodate her. I highly doubt this will come as a shock to her and I'm sure she feels as though she has found a really great "friend", but you simply cannot be expected to be her caretaker. If she reacts well, then all is well, if not, then the problem is hers and at least you will have her off your back and not feel like a prisoner in your own home.

What Eileen said is dead on...

I have to agree with her, and most everyone here. Set those boundaries! That's the key word right there.

I had the same problems that you are having, but not with neighbors--- friends and family. I read this book and it helped me. Maybe you think that you don't have time to read this book, but trust me, it's a very fast read and it will help you in your situation. http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/d...

Good luck and remember to take control of your life. Your house should be a sacred place for your family. You shouldn't have to relinquish it because of a needy neighbor.

Hi M.!
I have a similar problem but not quite as bad as yours! I have my own business in which I work from home and have a babysitter here w/my son M-F from 8:30am-12:30pm. Now that I don't have the time w/him in the am, I really value the afternoons and don't want to spend them w/my neighbor and her kids every day! It started to get out of control so I did what one of the other moms suggested, saying I'm REALLY busy w/work... have to run.. don't have time to talk or play. That seemed to help a little. She doesn't call me 3x's a day anymore! It's very hard b/c her 2 girls run across the street to my house as soon as they see my son! It's very annoying. We had my husband's grandmother and uncle over for an early dinner last weekend. All of a sudden her 2 girls show up in my backyard! So now it's not just in the front(sometimes we stay in the back to avoid them).

I feel for you and you just have to tell her you are busy and it's not a good time.

Good luck!

Everyone has some great advice and I agree that you need to set your own boundries because you will definitely start to be resentful and not want to enjoy your own space. One thing I didn't see mentioned that you might want to address is talking w/ your boys BEFORE hand so that when you send her and their playmate on their way they will not have a fit and wonder why they can't play w/ their friend. Also, to make nice (if you want) when you tell her now is not a good time, offer a time that WOULD be good so she doesn't feel like you just don't ever want her around.

I am very territorial about my time and space and get resentful if someone I especially don't care for wants to take what little I have. I also run a home daycare and once had a neighbor who thought she could come over w/ her son during the day while I was working...I also felt like we couldn't go outside. I just told her that during the day, we couldn't have extra kids over and if she came over in the evening when I was enjoying my own kids, I would sometimes let them play for a little while and then we would go in because "I had things to do." Or sometimes, I would be on the phone or doing paperwork and would just be minimal in my conversation w/ her while my kids played outside (I was sitting outside w/ them.)

You will figure out the best way to handle this w/ this neighbor. Best of luck!

I am a push over myself. For years I let people take advantage of me. I am old now. I am sick now. I have had it now. I have people who try to run my life still. I have men who are in love with me and will not let go. I have a child that is high maintenance so I want all my time to go to him.

NO! NO! Is my favorite word. I would tell her that you really need to talk. She has boundry problems. Her kids break her stuff because she is having trouble setting and keeping boundries. You do not need broken things. I would simply explain that you need your possessions to clean your own home you cannot afford to replace them. You also run a business. I do not see how you can fit her errands into you work and home schedule. I would write a list of all the things she does that test your life. You are changing your life to avoid conflict. After you write out the negative make a list of the things you like about her. Once this is done tell her you need to talk about the situation. Focus on her needs and try nutral language. Then tell her what you are willing to do and not willing to do. If she needs to run errands you will be there this day for this time for her but only then. Get her to do the same for you. I think you are like me and the kids go with or you do not go. All relationship require boundries. Good luck.

You have to tell the truth. Just tell her that you are feeling a bit overwhelmed with things going on, and that you don't really want to explain right now. You just need "alone" time with your family for a while. That way you are being gentle, not to hurt her feelings, keeping the gateway open incase you change your mind, and release yourself from all the stress. Be strong, but gentle. I have been in this situation before, I know it's hard. Good luck!

When she asks to borrow your vacuum, etc., ask her if hers is broken (if she doesn't volunteer the information on her own). Then tell her she should probably go to the store and buy a new one and that you would like to keep your vacuum at your own house. Remember, almost all household chores can wait long enough to run to the store to buy the supplies you need, so when she tries to make it sound urgent, remind her of that.

As far as the email goes, several other people here have made a great suggestion to tell her you need to keep that for just your business.

When she wants you to watch her kids, tell her you think she should take them with her, because you might need to leave while she's gone and you wouldn't want them to be home alone.

When you're in the yard playing and she comes over, chat with her for a minute to be polite, then say "Well, I'm going to spend some family time with my kids now." If you want time to yourself while you're just watching your kids and not actively playing with them, you can say, "Well, I'm going to spend a little time alone on my deck/patio and unwind while I watch my kids. I've had a busy day with work and I need some time to myself before my husband gets home."

If that stuff doesn't work, I'd say a 12-foot privacy fence is in order! But seriously, if you do resort to something like that, your kids will still be able to see their friend. When it's a good time for your family, they can go see if she's home. Good luck!

It definitely sounds like she is taking advantage. I think you have to be really firm with her. Be cordial but very, very firm and don't get drawn into any debates. I don't know what to do about the playing in the backyard, since your kids like her girl. Maybe say it's OK if the girl comes over to play with your kids (if they are similar ages, say so. So, for instance, if her older kids want to accompany the younger. Point out that they are too old to play with your kids and for safety's sake you want them to stay home when the younger one comes over, for example.)

I would just stop with the other stuff. No using your computer to check email. How does she have email without a computer? She can get a used one cheap if all she needs is internet access. No borrowing stuff. I would start out just saying no. If she asks to borrow something like your mop (WTH?), just say no, you can't do that right now. I would use your business as an excuse. You need the computer, phone, etc. free because you use it for work. Don't get specific, just say no, and leave it at that.

If she sees you outside playing, then say you have specially set aside that time out of your busy day to play with your children and that when you are inside you need to be doing other things, don't have time to chat, etc. Again, you don't have to say this in an angry way, just be matter-of-fact and *firm.*

If she presses you on it, I would be blunt and say that you don't mind being friendly but are simply worn out by daily requests for help. She needs to get her sh*t together and she knows it. She's a taker and she's gonna keep pushing further and further until she hits a limit one way or the other.

Well, I'd have to say that you have an immediate "out" in that you are a business owner and now that summer is over it's time to get back to 'business'.
I'd begin by getting your attitude ready before you even open the door to get the mail or whatever. The moment she approaches you be ready with something like, "oh, Hi, Sue. Boy am I in a hurry (or busy) today. I've got a million things to do. Sorry but it's really not a good time. Can't have any distractions," for when she wants to come over or send her kids over.
When she wants to borrow something, say that there seems to be something wrong with the vaccuum and I think I need to take it in for repair or I need to replace the belt (whatever) so it's off limits right now. Next time she asks tell her you haven't gotten around to getting it fixed...

But you really need to emphasize to her that you are very busy with your business, eventually she'll get the message.

Yes, it's a hard situation (been there), but you have to start saying "no" without giving her reasons (she could then whine and argue you out of your decision). You don't owe her any reasons and have the right to say "no". It gets easier with time and she'll finally give up and glom onto someone else who is "nicer" (i.e. easier to manipulate). It's not rude to refuse to allow her to continue to rudely use you.

Stand firm, be assertive, otherwise it will just get worse. It's awful to not want to go outside because of her. She sees you as an easy mark and will use you for as long as she can, so stop it cold turkey.

As a full time working mom of three boys, I was in a very similiar situation a while back. I simply told the other mom (who was not employed)that I wanted to spend some quality time with my boys, since I didn't see them all day, told her I'm sure she understood, and that I'd have them knock on her door when it was a good time for them to play. Also, that since I worked as a phone operator speaking to customers all day, that I was not usually in a visiting mood after working and talking with customers all day...I had too much to still get done (laundry, dinner, dishes) to visit, but would let her know when I have a little free time.

Wow! You have a lot of responses here and I was unable to look through them all. But I do want to say, M., you sound just like me! It's scary! He-he! I, like you, would find it so hard to just say no to her. But like you said, you have a life too and cannot always be helping her out. I would suggest that you start slowing just saying no to things and hopefully she will lay off of you.
Good luck and keep us posted on how things turn out!
M. T

All the responses here are right on, and I agree that this woman probably somehow enjoys the dramas she is in. I had a friend like that once and you have to push back hard, otherwise she will drain you of your own life and fill it up with hers and her dramas. One thing I thought I'd add to the suggestions here is using the statement "Sorry, but we are having FAMILY TIME right now." The reason I capitalize those words are because they carry weight - Family Time is something important, and it needs to sound like it when you say it out loud to another person who is taking advantage, be it a child or an adult. It means no one except YOUR FAMILY is going to be involved in the activity, whatever it may be - playing in the yard, being the house, eating dinner, etc. You need to teach this woman that you have boundaries and she can't continue to cross them and take advantage, that you won't tolerate it anymore. I have found that no one can argue with the Family Time statement, so give it a shot and hopefully she will start to get the picture. Good luck - you sound like a smart cookie!

Ask her if she has any family to help her out. Let her know you don't have this kind of time to visits and taking care of others children while your business is failing because you give more time to others than running your business. You just can't do it anymore. Honest and to the point.

Yea it does sound like she is very much taking advantage!! And since when can you not say you're busy just because you're out w/ your kids?? Family time is Very important, Look atinvesting in a FENCE! That might deter her a bit, otherwise just be Firm w/ her. GOOD LUCK!!

I would move!! Just kidding, I know that's not feasible:)

This woman needs to be put in her place-I run a business as well and have not even had my first child yet (I am due December 10th and very excited!) and I let no one take the valuable time away from me that I need to focus on biz-and when my little joy arrives he will be number one on that list. So....

Unfortunately, though uncomfortable, you must address this with this woman-you need to sit down and explain in very logical terms how you just can't fit her into your very busy life with all of her needs. Use concrete examples of how her needs are stopping you from taking care of yours....not selfish, just fact. Offer her alternatives...why not go to the library to check email and allow her kids to check out some books or time it to be at the same time when there is a book reading-the point is M., you have to stop being nice and take back control. Most other business owners I know are control freaks (including me:)so I know you have it in you somewhere!!! Best of luck-I am sure if you handle this very kindly and diplomatically, she will understand she has overstepped her bounds.

M.

Hi M.,

I recently heard someone talk about another person having "sloppy living" habits and those words came to mind when I read your post about your neighbor. I'm not saying your neighbor isn't nice or a good person but I think your neighbor loves the crisis she creates and you certainly don't want to be the crisis intervention center for her. You are a kind woman and that is great but you need to treat yourself with some of that kindness and set your boundaries for yourself and your family. Ask yourself what example are you setting for your children if they see that you are frustrated with the situation, because children are sensitive and they sense things. Of course the children make it more challenging because they want to play but they need boundaries too. I wish you much success in your business and I'm confident that each time you say no, you will be stronger and, honestly, it will help your neighbor take on her own life.

I can only imagine what you are going through - the truth is you know that you need to lay down the law with her.

We women, tend to speak with trepidation and be people pleasers, can't say no, gotta be polite - blah, blah, blah

I know this is something that I've tried to work on. Think about how the typical man (at the risk of generalizing, please excuse) would handle it - straight shooting, with fact based information -

I think the best approach would probably be to have a very frank conversation with her - what's the worst that could happen? That she doesn't talk to you anymore? (wouldn't that make your life easier?) - and she should be mature enough to take the information and not take it personal.

Give her a chance... if nothing changes, cut her off! If this person is making you unhappy - cut them out of your life -You don't need the stress and you'll feel so much better after it's over - and wonder why you were so worried about saying something about it.

Good luck - stay strong.