New Man in Our Lives

I see you've been given a lot of good advice in regards to
your daughter's needs needing to be your first priority....

Here goes brutal honesty - I was a single mom, then i was a shack up mom, and now i am married (to shack up). I've also been a stepchild and a stepmother.

So from my experiences i would STRONGLY advice you to move this man out of your life and raise your daughter solo. Even if he is the most wonderful man in the world......even if financially you'd do better - it's not what your daughter needs. You cannot guarantee this relationship will work out. A year is not long enough to know someone......and if anything goes wrong, your daughter will suffer the most. And as a mom, nothing is worse than carrying guilt for a wrong decision made.....and you can't take it back....

If you NEED to, just date outside the home. Your daughter doesn't have to know or meet whatever man is in your life.

Good luck S. and i hope u make the right decision. Being a single mom is not easy and being a mom means making sacrifices for our children and putting our needs /wants on the back burner. I know it can be a hard and lonely road, but these kids didn't ask to be put in these situations......and right now you are sitting on the fence and right now you have the opportunity to make the right choice. All the best to the both of you.

Ok, I change my answer. I basically agree with everyone else it's just that that's not the question she asked and I've lived long enough to highly doubt that she's going to kick the guy out of the house because people are moralizing at her. If the guy moved in recently then yes that's probably why her daughter is acting out.

I see a lot of people listen to Dr. Laura, and yes kids need consistency, so if you're going to live with someone, then why not make it official and get married.

(Who knows why she's a single mom, the father may have left her. I do disagree with Dr. Laura that you should necessarily stay single until the kids have left home - what if the father ditched them?)

I agree with Peggy and Joanne. I understand you want romance, but you may be unaware of the many negative things you may be bringing into your daughter's life when you live with your boyfriend. For instance, you don't have the committment of being married, so how long will this last? How many of these "Dads" will your daughter get attached to and then have to say good bye to? Also, she should be your main priority, so be carfeful your guy's needs don't come first at the sacrifice of your daughter.

And one more thing...I'm not saying that this is happening in your case, but don't be blind to the possibility. Your daughter is at higher risk of molestation with this man in the house. A live-in boyfriend doesn't have the same committment to love and care for your girl as a you do. Some men target women in this situation to get at their daughters too. It happened to some I know well.

So I think your daughter is, in her way, fighting for your love and attention. I think it would be wise of you to wait to bring any man to live with you and your daughter until he is fully committed to you both through marriage. (And I don't mean engaged, that's not a full committment.) And don't try to get her attached to the man you're dating unless your sure he's a keeper. No sense in breaking her heart over and over again.
Best Wishes!

I am a single mom and I have 3 boys. When a new man comes into your life, they either are nice or mean. She needs time to adapt. I believe its a good thing she listens to him. Sometimes men take the role of being daddy to get a child to listen. I don't know if she was listening to you before, that is probably why she is being rude towards you. She is not used to having a new man in the house. Maybe ask her why she's being mean to you. Its like a messy divorce, kids get upset, and things change. Kids even get mad at their parents for separating.

Hi S.!

You have a tough situation on your hands. No matter how hard you try to allow enough time for your daughter, she will always feel like you LOVE him more than her. This is what you will somehow need to overcome.

It's easier to "disrespect you than him" that is why she listens to him. If she yells back a him, then YOU will be mad, and she will feel like you love him more than her. She avoids feeling this way...so she listens to him.

I am a stepmom, 1 boy and 1 girl. Have been for 13 years, now. I remember my stepdaughter HATING me for no reason at all. I gave her quality "girl time", bribes with presents, watched her favorite shows with her....all to make her HATE me more! Then~! she began being nice to my face, but when she went to her mom's house, all she would do is badmouth me! Her poor brother was in the middle of it, always defending me.

It's so difficult to successfully "blend" a family, and the only words I can give you is LOVE and PATIENCE. You are going to have to "change" things in your home to make her feel just as loved as she was before your new man. I made my husband do this with his kids. I think it was the "key" to adjustment. She may need you to lay with her at night for a little bit at bedtime (read a book or watch TV). Maybe a once a week dinner, just the 2 of you, at her favorite place. If your new man is as wonderful as he sounds, then he wants what's best for you AND your daughter. This may NOT be including him in certain situations. I know you are trying to make a "family" together, but you need BABY steps first to be successful. If you've tried things like this, and you're back to square one, then try again. She will eventually accept him, maybe not admittingly, but will.

You didn't mention if she see's her biological dad, or not. If she does, then it would be normal for her to "play it perfect" in your home, then turn around and say mean things about the "new man" to him. These will be things you'll have to figure out as they take place.

In my situation, I played "cool stepmom, friend" most of the time. Before I disciplined, I always reminded my stepkids that their "dad was at work, so I'm in charge, please don't make me the bad guy, cause I love just being FRIENDS with you". I always made it a point to tell them that I was NOT trying to take their mom's place in their lives (without coming right out and saying it). Even though we had the kids 1/2 the time, and I WAS the mom, I had to act like I wasn't in order to "begin" a trusted/loving relationship with them. It's VERY hard.

Too many kids are expected to adjust to 2 moms and 2 dads now-a-days....it works for alot of families, but it doesn't work for most. Plus every child is different on their expressions and handling situations like these. If YOU want this man in your life, then it is assumed that she HAS to like him (she probably does.), but it's not as easy for her as we would like it to be.

Today...my stepkids love me so much. They are 21 and 23, and are out of the house. They send me BD cards, and call me "out of the blue". I am being rewarded NOW, for my love, patience, and hard work THEN.

Even if you think your ideas are not working, give her love and patience, and especially quality time. She'll come around. It just may take VERY long time!

Good Luck :o)

N.

I have some very strong feelings about the way you are conducting your life. My parents divorced when I was ten years old. When my mother dated I felt like she was going to replace my father and that felt HORRIBLE! While I didn't truly understand the strong feelings I was having, they were real. My opinion is that you should NOT be living with a man in the presence of your daughter. While this sounds very old fashioned, she, and only she, should be the focus of your life until she is grown and out of the house. You have basically said to her, "you are not enough for me so I now have moved a man into our lives!" I know this is strong but it explains your daughter's behavior and I hope you will seriously consider what I have said.
I would also like you to consider the model you have now shown your sweet child, that it's okay to shack up with a man who you are not married to. When she is 17, living with a man, you will have no leg to stand on!

Why are you living with someone you are not married to? You are teaching your daughter its ok to sleep with someone without a commitment, no wonder she does not listen to you. You are telling her with your actions that you are not worth anything, and she will learn that and figure she is not worth anything either. Stop this foolishness, move out or take a trip to the courthouse today. I am not a religious person, but I think this is why young women are so messed up in our culture. Respect yourself first, then she will respect you.

Wow...so I am just really astounded by all of the feedback...I read each one and it seems that instead of addressing the issue of disrespect from your daughter...most are addressing your decision to have someone live with you. Why? Even the one that did it herself but, is now telling you that you are horrible for it. Don't listen. I would like to believe taht you didn't do this all willy nilly. As a parent asking for help you must have put a lot of thought into the ramifications of having someone live with you. Maybe you are setting the example that you want for her. Perhaps, you don't have a problem with couples living together before marriage. Perhaps you wouldn't have a problem if she did it are your current age but at 17 you would. It the same as you not having a problem with her drinking at 25 but you would at 15. Perhaps you are raising her to make sound decisions based on morals and values that you are establishing are important to you and should be to her. Perhaps...co-habitating is not contradictory to your morals and values...and for the record...that doesn't make you bad.

I firmly believe that our children are our first priority as well as a healthy loving relationship being our first priority. It is a concept that some don't find easy to understand but, it seems that you do. Our relationship with our partners are on a different realm as that with our children. And of course, if he is bad to her...then you need to get rid of him. But, if he is good to her then she needs to adjust to having mom have and adult in her life to love differently than she loves her. For those that quote the bible, we are meant to live as husband...wife and child(ren). It is unfortunate that sometimes our marriages don't last in the biblical sense. But does that mean that our desire to have a partner ceases....NO...People....The dynamics change and the situation has to be navigated very carefully.

So...with all of that said...know that it takes time...and lots of it....she needs more time with you and not him (as a few have said). After all, it has been just the two of you for a while....She needs to shown that he is not replacing...he is just adding to.

I am divorced and my two children love my fiance and our new baby. They encouraged us to live together so that the baby has his dad in the home. They respect both of us. They want him in our lives so much that they are learning to accept his daughter that wasn't happy with the situation. She is learning to love and respect me. Everyday is better than the first. But, it takes time. By the way, having a baby out of wedlock will probably set lots of folks off. However, it was an adult decision that I made contrary to my upbringing and prior beliefs. It was a very much planned pregnancy with full knowledge of ramifications. It is a decision that I would not accept from my 17 year old but from my almost 40 year old child...I would be completely supportive as was my very conservative grandmother and mother and father. As we get older, we see things differently sometimes...As time changes so do some of us.

Sorry for carrying on. Good luck...Be patient...Always be mindful that this guy is not her father...Lots of Risks...Even risks with fathers, though...too bad...but it is the truth...Sounds like he is supportive so you guys take it slowly with working through her adjustment....it will get better.

Transitions are very hard for kids. I don't know when your new man moved in, but I would guess, even though your daughter seems to like him...or at least listen to him, she is acting out. I would say it's probably more out of insecurity over the situation than really being angry with you, although you didn't give a lot of specifics.
My daughter was 12 when I finally met a nice man after my divorce. And, although she adored him, she became unbearable to me in her behavior. It was okay for HER to love him, but I think not knowing what Mommy loving him would result in, made her very nervous. He was a fabulous man and we never lived together although we were incredibly close for two years. His mom got sick and he moved out of state to go take care of his elderly parents. His mother had a heart attack less than a month after he got there, so I couldn't really fault him for going. It broke our hearts though. And he called me to let me know his mom, who we adored, passed away on January 18 of this year.
I don't want to sound preachy, because I am not a judgemental type of person, but I have two children and I will never just live with a man. Not ever. I knew the man I was speaking of for 6 months before I ever even let him meet my children. I didn't want to expose them to some fleeting fancy or some guy that would turn out to be weird.
It was strange for my daughter to see me even like someone after my divorce. She wasn't sure what any of it meant...for HER. Your daughter is giving you signals, so you really should respond to them in calm and healthy communicative ways. If she's already been through a divorce and understands you and this new guy aren't even married....she may not want to put a lot of trust in the whole thing and be wondering what the heck you are doing. I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong. But, I will either get married, or I will stay single forever. No man will move into my house, in front of my children, and go through the work of blending a family unless there is a marriage that takes place first. Your daughter is only 7 now....but what will you do when she is 17 and thinks it's fine to "shack up" with some guy? I'm not trying to be mean, I SWEAR I'm not. You need to try to talk to your daughter and be VERY careful about the choices you are making in front of your daughter. If this is the man you are meant to be with, he will understand how very careful you have to be with the situation.
I hope everything works out and you can all end up as a very happy and healthy family.

hey, S.! I just want to say I'm so happy for you. I've been raising my three year old son on my own since day one, and I am yet to find anyone that I feel comfortable putting in that daddy role. I did recently date a guy for about 7 months and my son went balistic at first. He was acting up and talking back to me and throwing tantrums. There was a constant power stuggle between my son and my boyfriend. I think kids just take out their adjustment issues on their moms because that is who they are most comfortable with and, after all, mom is the one who rules the world in their eyes. On a slightly different note, whenever I have guy friends around, my son listens to every single thing they tell him-- go to bed, eat your dinner, pick up your shoes-- all the things I tell him repeatedly and he fights me on every step of the way, they'll say it once and he does it right away with no hesitation or complaints. There must be some secret power in that adam's apple! :) Hang in there, she'll adjust eventually and you guys will get past this frustrating stage.

Super quick my thought is that it's important to try to stay compassionate toward your daughter and really take time to understand her perspective developmentally. It seems pretty predictable to me that she would show some behavioral changes if you have been a single mom but are now not single any more -- and he's living with you as well. Even if he's been in your life for a year, she has some legitimate concerns from a 7 year old perspective.

There is a GREAT resource called Kids Turn that you should definitely check out: www.kidsturn.org. The website has great information, and they offer parenting and kids classes on just this sort of situation. I strongly encourage you to check it out. It's a top notch organization, and addressing your daughter's response to your partner is a really important thing to do - NOW.

good luck!

Hi S.,
this is J.. I think your daughter is afraid, and maybe a little frustrated. Even though it is almost the norm to live with someone instead of marrying, that doesn't mean we are made for it, or comfortable with it. I am talking about the fear of the unknown, in your daughter's case. Have you talked with her about the plans and promises you and the fellow in question have made? Does she know he intends to care for her as his own? Does she know he intends to never hurt you? Does she know he intends to put the needs of you and her above his own? Does she know he intends to never leave the two of you? Do you know these things? These are natural things for anyone of any age to wonder. Talking about intentions (such as are outlined in traditional marriage vows :) ) is what you and your fellow need to do next, and then share the outcome with your daughter. So then she won't just be wondering what sort of ride she is in for. If you know in your heart that the answer to any of these questions about this fellow are "No," then I advise that he doesn't belong in your house. And if the answer to these questions is "Yes," then I believe he should marry you and make these intentions public. How can there be another option? Living together to see if something works is not a fair trial of marriage because marriage is about commitment. Talk about it with him, and see. I know how hard it is to be together and not be married, and I am not trying to be hurtful toward you. We all know life holds risks, and the future is unknown. But we have each day one at a time, and we want the best for ourselves and our children. J.

Hi S. G.

I feel for you, I was a single mom for many years. The biggest reason was, is because I refused to live with a man without the bonds of matrimony. If he wanted me, he wanted the whole kit and kibudle and commentment. Even though your daughter is only 7, she still knows right from wrong. What example are you setting for her? I am not judging you but is she? I am not trying to be a Bible thomper, but I believe there is good advice to live by in that wonderful book,
Sincerely,
P. M.

You don't give enough information for anyone to really be able to give you advice. I will be bold enough to say that you really shouldn't be living together with a man you are "dating" when you have a child at home. Not a good example to set.

But, if this started 3 weeks ago, then you need to think about what happened before that. Is that when your boyfriend moved in? What is his relationship like with her? She listens to him - is this good or bad, in your opinion? You didn't say.

Wait till she's 18 to have any relationship. It's the right thing to do.

"DR. LAURA" -- Oh NO!

Well S., You asked for advice, so I guess that old saying about being careful for what you ask for is hitting home.

One of your advisors mentioned Dr. Laura! As far as Dr. Laura is concerned, I say anytime you see or hear her, run the other way, and/or turn her off. She is such a judgmental, money grubbing hypocrite. I like the Mamasource, because these ladies are coming from their personal experiences, can and do offer some pretty good advice.

"RED FLAG"

Dear S.,

You child may be listening to him out of fear. A sudden behavior change is a red flag. I would take her to the doctor immediately. As for the "great guy" living with you, until you have a permanent commitment (in the form of marriage) and all that goes with marriage, he SHOULD NOT be living in your home. If it’s love, he will respect you and your daughter and the relationship will continue and get better. If it’s not, he would have been gone in no time and it wouldn’t be good for you or your child.

The most important person in you life is your daughter. You didn’t mention if her natural father is in the picture, but you did say she was seven and you’ve been a single parent for seven year’s, so I’m guessing, you became pregnant and her father split??? I don’t mean to be harsh, but I’m just concerned, that out of loneliness you may be setting yourself up for another disappointment, only this time it will be hurting two people and you both deserve better.

Blessings to you and your little girl.

I think Dr. Laura advice is probably the best. Just to defend her. Brining a man into the house before you're married shows your daughter that it's okay. I would not have him living there.

If one would listen to Dr. Laura for a while you may just realize, she is right. She has childrens best interest at heart. She may sound harsh but she's really not if you just listen for a while. Just about everything she says makes perfect sense, and it works.

But, so I don't sound righteous. I did date while I was raising my two daughters. I never introduced them to the men though. I did however end up dating my very good friend, and we did get married. He didn't move in until the month before we married. He has been wonderful with my children, who have a mostly absent biodad. We did a big no no and had other children together. For us this has not been a bad thing, my older girls are wonderful with the babies and my husband has never once treated any of them different. If I had moved him in as a permanant shack up, it may have been different.