Niece Is 7 Years Old and Still Pottying Her Pants!

This happened to a client of mine years ago. There WAS a medical component. I would go to the DR. and ask for a referral. This can be taken care of. It has to do with the nerves not sending clear enough messages, if I remember correctly.
Good luck. The Mommy Mentor

My daughter is 4 1/2 and just got potty trained. She refused no matter what the reward was. We took her to the doctor and he said to let it go. She is purposely not doing it because we want her to. So, we did and she loves going to the community swim pool so we finally told her, you can't go until you go on the potty because they will make us get out and we won't be able to go back. That did it. No problems since then. But seriously, that was the only thing that worked. I would try just backing off for awhile. Keep trying different rewards too. You will hit on the one that means the most to her. What I thought was important to my daughter wasn't what worked. Hope it helps.

I have a friend who's daughter has a similar problem. Her condition was diagnosed as Encopricis, it is a problem with elimination. Medicinenet.com gives more info and suggestions about the condition. She uses Miralax which has been helpful.
Maybe this info will help.
K.

It could be physical or emotional. You should take her to the Dr. to find out if it is physical.

I would be very suspicious as most research that I have done shows that a change in behavior such as this usually results from some type of trauma. If you have not been with her every minute of every day then you can not assume that nothing has happened to her. Obviously this behavior is not normal. You should take her to her Physician if you have not yet. I was molested at the age of 4 and started peeing by the register on my floor in my bedroom and then my mom put me back into diapers. I did not realize it until I was in my 20's that the reason I chose to do that behavior was I was trying to get the "BAD" out of my body.

So for her sake please have her checked by her Doctor. Good luck.

Hi,
Sorry to hear about your niece. I go to a really good chiropractor and i was told that kids that have bed wetting problems and other issues after they have been potty trained sometimes have pinched nerves or misalignments in there spines. You might think about taking her to a chripractor to have her looked at. It might not be laziness if you have tried all the motivational techniques.
Chiropractic USA is a really good wellness chiropractic center. You should try it.
Hope this helps.
J.

Hi-
I agree that she should be checked out by a pediatrician as well as a child psychologist first. If everything checks out OK,then I would try a modified rewards system. The timer is a great idea, but you can't use it at school.
I would talk to her about something she wants (toy, etc.). Then I would say that she is old enough to start earning money to buy it herself- build up the big girl and responsibility points- it will help her feel better about herself and give her a sense of being able and capable. Then for 2 or 3 months I would give her 4 quarters to put in her pocket (she'll be able to feel them and hear them jingle). However, every time she poops or pees in her pants- she has to give one back- no big deal should be made about it, just matter-of-factly tell her she owes you a quarter. Whatever she has left over at the end of the day she gets to keep and put in her piggy bank/jar/something she can see the money building up in. Tell her how great it is that she earned __ money towards her purchase. One of the keys is only positive attention- no negative attention or talks or shows of disappointment when she goes in her pants. Just have her go change her pants.
I hope this helps! Let me know how it works-
Z. G

Sounds like this child has some emotional problems, which isn't surprising since she was abandoned by her mother. I would take her to some counseling to get some help to find out the root of the problem. She's too old to be accidently having these accidents, so I'm sure it's an emotional response. Humiliating her isn't the right route to take. Have her see a psychologist. Good luck.

I think you are right that she is probably having too much fun and forgets. I would start setting an egg timer or somethig loud that is her reminder to use the potty. That way it isn't an adult telling her to go, but the timer is her reminder to stop and try. I would try to explain that we realize you are having fun and forgetting to use that potty, so from now on when you hear the timer go off you need to stop what you are doing and go and try. Instead of making her feel bad, try a reward system and see if she goes all week with out an accindent you can take her to Baskin Robins and let her pick out any flavor she would like. If that works spread out the rewards to 2 weeks.
Best of luck and once school starts I think she will go back to normal. If not ask her peditriction there might actually be something wrong.

I would definitely not be shaming a child, or using harsh discipline, or even the reward system for something that should be very natural (a developed skill). I would be suspicious that your niece has some very real reason for what she is doing...probably an emotional or psychological issue.
I think laziness is not very likely, as most kids do not like feeling wet or soiled.
It may appear that nothing has changed in her life, but something has...and it may just be in her perception of things, as her brain/mind develop. Maybe this gets her more attention, or keeps her from having to go here or there. Kids lack a lot of expressive vocabulary, so it may seem she clams up, when she just does not have way to label what she is experiencing.
You are probably going to need to "get inside" her head..and maybe you need pro help to do it. The school districts may allow a visit with the school psychologist. They do not want to see students have problems at school. They would rather head such things off. Or they may have some recommendations about what to do.

I just want to echo the responses of others who have recommended taking her for counseling. She clearly cannot talk about what is going on for her, but the indications of something serious are all there. Also, I would urge you all to step back from the shaming stuff, and from pressuring her in any way to successfully address this problem until the underlying issue can be dealt with. Kids always blame themselves when something goes wrong, and she has enough of those feelings already. Adding to the burden is not going to improve the situation.

This is a little late, and I think everyone has given you the best advice, but I wanted to add something. Try to put yourself in her shoes for a bit. Ask yourself questions like: How on earth does she explain her living situation with ease, to her peers, or even close friends. Children want to know why things are different than what they are accustomed to, or what is the "Norm." Possibly she feels out of place, or that she lives differently than others and is confused as to WHY. When in school, many times children are asked to write about their family, which of course brings questions to her situation. This may be stressful to her... it might make her really wonder WHY things are the way they are. And although she may say that she is quite happy the way things are, she may also know that her situation is very different than others and it may worry her to some degree. She may not want to come across as being (living) different than others.
This all may be weighing on her in a tremendous way... which can be tough on a child her age. SOOOO many things go through children's heads... they wonder about many things... they have fears that we may never know about unless we ask.
I am not attempting to tell you that this is what the problem is... but it just might help you if you did try to place yourself in her shoes... pretending you are her age, and what she may be going through.
Whatever the case may be, I do wish you and her the best of luck. I hope all works out well! :)

M. S.

My daughter does the same thing (peeing that is), and fibs about it. I was relieved to find out that it is normal for the age to have slip ups.

If it's a constant thing, try getting a pee alarm. I got one from the bedwetting store. It's more for night time issues. They also have medication.

They do get caught up in doing whatever, but if she has other issues, like ADD, it is a real struggle to pay attention. At least you know she won't go to college this way! Be careful what you do with her mind though - if she's told that she's lazy, and the problem is really outside of her control, that could really mess things up. Have her clean herself up, and do your best to not gag, and treat her like she's capable. Shame comes on it's own and doesn't need a fanfare. She'll love you for understanding, and even helping.

We had almost the identical problem with my stepson when he was 7 and 8. His therapist said that he was literally "pooping" on us because he was an emotionally disturbed little boy. We tried everything that you have and nothing worked for us. We finally gave up sat him down and very calmly told him that we weren't going to bring it up or discuss the problem anymore but that if he ever wanted to talk about it he could. In the meantime we explained that because of the sanitary issues we were no longer going to wash his underwear. We labeled a box "u/w" and put it next to his laundry hamper and then showed him how to use the washing machine. Amazingly enough after the very first time of washing his own poopy pants he never had another problem. Good luck!

It's clear that your niece requires some gentle, loving, professional attention both physically and emotionally. Please know that shame is one of the worst things that children can feel. Child development research shows that extreme shame does not bring about any desired results, but the undesirable results will last a lifetime. Having to sit on a toilet all day is abusive by many definitions, please encourage your sister to seek some help with this issue so that the frustrations on all sides can be alleviated and so that your niece can recover from what has clearly been a traumatic issue in her life. Good luck.

this could be a medical issue. everything should be done to keep her from felling bad about herself, at this age it is probably not something she can help. get her to a good doctor and help her understand it's not her fault. she needs support, as i'm sure this is embarassing to her.

Have you consulted her pediatrician? What about a therapist? In my experience it is about control. She feels like she has no control in her life, so she takes control of her body. That can be caused by anxiety about many areas of life. You say nothing has changed and she isn't being abused....but she is just now reaching the age where she can look around at her peers lives and at her weird life in which BOTH of her parents abandoned her and one didn't even have the decency to abandon her siblings too so she would at least have someone to share the disappointment with. My strongest suggestion is to get her into therapy asap.

It looks like your niece is having personal issues. Her mom not around, dad pays more attention to her oldest sibblings. And don't take this personal but, being that you have a husband and a baby and you guys are happy. Well, your neice sees that and it depresses her. That's probably why your mom spoils her. She is not getting enough attention. Even if your mom shows her attention its not enough because its not her parents. Kids go through depression when parents are not around all she wants is what you and your husband do with your baby and that is "love,comfort,happiness, etc...". What you guys need to do as a family is communicate with her more let her know that you guys are their for her as a family and tell her that her mom still loves her no matter what, she will always be her mom. Get the dad envolved. Not by yelling, discipline her etc.... that just makes it worst. She thinks her mother hates her,its all her fault in some odd way and her dad doesn't love her she feels outcast right now. Its best to handle this soon then later because you will have harder times when she's gets older. As a auntie treat her like she's your own tell her what's right and wrong like how your mother and father probably did. She might not tell you she depress because of her parents. But, she will come out that shell you just have to give her that trust. Kids gets scared thinks you guys would be angry. The only person she can trust is probably your mom. But, your young she needs your trust and talk to show her that you are their for her and be open. Believe me she will open up and the peeing will stop but, it takes some time don't rush her she will be o.k.. PLEASE DON'T GIVE HER NO MEDICATION. She just need you. : )

Hi T. -

If your niece's dad lives next door and yet her living arrangement keeps her separate from him, I would look into emotional reasons for her behavior. On a holistic level, the inability to control the kidney's is created by criticism, feeling like a failure, continued disappointment, emotional overflow and shame - so you can see why embarassing her didn't work - it only made things worse. The inability to control the bowels are deep feelings of having no control over their own life, fear of rejection, and insecurity. Trying to reward someone on a mental level when they are hurting on a deeper emotional level also doesn't work. She needs to understand why she is kept separate from the rest of her family (father and siblings) - not on a superficial level because you think she won't understand - but on a deeper level the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth - so to speak. Yes, she is old enough to understand - with understanding comes healing.

I hope this helps,

M. M. Ernsberger
Holistic Healthcare Provider
Certified Hypnotherapist
Certified Herbalist
Certified Life Coach