No Grandma's

My mom is remarraid to a great guy with 2 grown sons. He is NOT interested in coming from Maryland to Connecticut to see my kids-ever. So My mom doesn't either. She almost NEVER comes up here. I think in 5 years she has come up 2 times.
I have 2 fgirlfriends who I have made "God mothers "for my girls. I invite them to come on Grandparents and special friends day at school because I know my mom will not. I try to make some of my friends ,very close friends, like fami.ly for my kids. I take their kids too when they want to travel and they take mine from time to time. These relationships help keep special people in my children's life and in mine, and help keep us from being dissappointed.Then, I will go visit my mom , like you can your dada once in awhile, but not be dependant on them to be the only special elder support for you. Alos see if there is an aunt or cousin who writes postcards to your kids or that has shown an interest in a "Grandparent" like way ans see if you can build on that by having the children call, email and write cards to them. I do this with my uncle's new wife and it makes us all feel special and closer.

My children have their grandparents but I lost mine when I was about 9. My parents also brought up my grandparents and told me all these great stories about them. When we would have xmass or other holidays and we would be doing things my parents would say this tradition comes from so and so. As for your father mabey the gril freind could end up being a good thing you said she was realy nice. Well mabey if they get really serious she will take an intrest in you and your children I understand that she would not be there biological grandparent but she would still be there. My husbands father dies many years ago and his mother has a new boyfreind and he loves her grandchildren as much as his own just this summer he took all my children fishing and can not wait for winter so they can go snow sleading with him. Hope I helped.

Hi B., I'm so sorry you have had so much loss to deal with in the past few years. While I haven't had to deal with the situation, I do know there are a lot of elderly people who have no family to look after them. Maybe you can find an elderly couple, man or woman to adopt, either in your community, church or at a nursing home. We visit the nursing homes twice a month, and it is sad how lonely some of the people are there. So I think they would love the attention, they love children and maybe you could adopt some grandparents there. If you don't like the nursing home idea, just find an older couple in your area that may need help with things like raking leaves, rides to the grocery store, or don't have family in the area and would just love some company. As for the sitter, find a reliable teenager in your area and hire them when you need a night out. I know it must be hard without your mom as well, so make an older friend that can help fill that hole in your own life as well. I hope some of this helps. Hang in there! God bless. C.

Hi I'm kind of in the same boat as you are.. though its the great grandparents my kids are missing.. I'm 27 and my parents had me at 19/17 so I've got rather young grandparents myself.. My grandfather who was my best friend my whole life past last nov. 11 and my two girls almost 4 and 2 were very close to him.. my oldest bday party was only a few days before he died.. the last pic of him was her giving him a kiss. that was my moms dad.. my fathers mom just died last month.. though my kids nor I was close to her that leaves my kids with 1 great grandma and one great grandpa left. Problem is my grandfather thats living only sees the kids at christmas.. When Pop died we told the girls that he was in the moon so any time they missed him they could look for him in the sky and talk to him.. My 4 yr old spends almost every night looking for him so she can say goodnight and my 2 yr old still tries to find him when we go over my grandmothers house.. My parents and my father in law work full time so my mother in laws the only one to babysit and its hard for her to have them both for long periods of time she's 13 yrs older than my parents.
I think what gets me thru is the "pop in the moon" because my girls still ask about him and question death.. I have a hard time seeing older men playing with grandkids or just in general for the same reason you have a hard time.. it's not meant to be easy but you never really are without the "grandparents" let your kids know that grandma and grandpa's are always there with them in their hearts and watching over them and if they ever miss them all they have to do is close their eyes and they'll be there.. Show them pictures all the time and tell them stories about the grands... their favorite songs or stories places to go etc...
Hope that helps
=H.

B.- It sounds like you were depending on family support and it suddenly isn't there! The closest grandparent to my daughter is 1.5 hours away and they think it's too far to drive "just to visit". My mom lives in Canada so it's very hard (for her especially) to be away from my kids. I was a single Mom with my 11 yr. old for the first 8 yrs. and I decided a long time ago that I couldn't rely on anyone but me. I accepted that I wasn't going to have family around to help and had to find alternatives: daycares, babysitters, neighbors with kids who would swap babysitting, etc. At times it was hard and I did have to miss out on things I wanted to attend, but I was resiliant and we got through it just fine! I think you miss the family dynamic, but remember they are always around you watching over your kids as angels! I hope this makes you feel even a little bit better!

I can understand what you are going through,I have 5 children with my new husband well 10 years new lol and 4 with my ex,.My father past away in 96 and his wife past in 99..I still have my mom but she is in a nursing home and we live several states away from her..But visit when we can and our kids really are afraid to hug her cause they don't really see her enough,,my husbands parents just make every excuse in the world to not visit so my kids don't know them really at all either..So we have a neighbor down the way that kinda adopted them as her grandkids and they love her to death..but always let your kids know who their grandparents were.Tell them stories about what they used to do and show them lots of pictures,,and it will all be ok,,you will find someone that will be there for them as much as you and your husband are..Which I commend you for that..My husband and I do it all ourselves to,,my older kids 22,19 refuse to babysit..The last date my husband and I went on,,and no laughing now..was Titanic..And with your dad acting like you bother him,,talk to him about that,,I did with my father before he passed and I am glad for that...He past really sudden my older son was the last to speak to him then an hour later I got the emergency call to go to my dads house..Anyways I do wish you well,,and keep smiling I'm sure you guys are wonderful parents and those kids know that....Have a wonderful safe Halloween,,,, C.

Hi B.,
Im sorry about ur bad time!My kids have there grandmother and grandfather{my parents}but they never get to see them much as if they werent there my mom spends all her time taking care of my dad wich has been bed ridden and very ill for about 5 years now and wich upsets me because my boys are growing up soo fast and they are missing it.They lost there grandmother {there dads mom}2 weeks ago,my middle son took it hard he was nana's everything my youngest is too little to understand my oldest took it hard he just kept saying when he came home from the funeral mom i can believe she is gone!Sooo its hard for them they have a grandmother that is alive and never pays attention to them and one that loved them very much and spent alot of time with them and now isnt here sooo its very hard and they will get threw it just like mine are.I never knew what is was like to have a grandmother cause my moms mom was alot like her never payed attention to me and the only grandmother i did have was my great one and she died when i was 14,sooo i grew up without them too!I wish they still had there grandmother but like i said they will be fine it just takes time
K.

Hello,
I know what your going threw,I lost both my parents in 1996 with in 8 weeks from each other.My daughter is 8 and the school has grandparent day and i always want to keep her home cuz it breaks my heart she dont have any..I have no family at all.Plus i dont go out ver hard to find good care.I have also been married for almost 12 yrs,Iam a stay at home mom.wich can be hard not getting out to meet people.hope this helps,You could always go to a old age home they love to see kids i have thought of it,Maybe theres a way to adopt a grandparent not sure but it might help.If you want to chat iam here....C.

Hi B.,

Anytime there is a hole in a family: no grandparents, no parents, it is a good idea to find parenting or grandparenting wherever you can.
My mom lives far away so I try to find mothering wherever I can when I am longing for it. I never find it in only one person; but pieces of it everywhere.
I am a mom and I also work with the elderly. There are so many facilities all over the country for elderly folk. There are all different kinds. I suggest you go visit some grandparents! Many of these people don't get to see their families regularly and just love a visit from a little kid. Some folks are afraid to take their kids to elderly housing because they are afraid of the "nursing home" atmosphere. But there are so many different venues: from dementia clinics to independent apartment communities.
You might look for a small assisted living facility. There are many all over Maine. Just google "elderly housing" or "assisted living" or "elderly community" and see what comes up. Then, when you find a place that looks sweet or interesting to you, call the activities director and see if they take visitors. I suggest being very specific about what you want to do. Do you want to visit a group? Or an individual? Do you want someone totally lucid? Or does it matter? Just tell them that you are looking to meet some sweet grandparent so your kids will know what that means.
And you will TOTALLY make someone's day/year.
Good luck.
A

We've had a lot of losses in our family recently. In-law great-grandmother and grandfather just passed a few months ago. And I lost my mom less than 2 months before my baby was born and not having that support nearly kills me everyday. I too get emotional when I see grandparents with their children, but I'm not completely alone...the in-law parents (her grandparents) are still around, and are very wonderful, helpful people, although it is not the same for me as having my own family around. And yes, its common for the relationship to change with the remaining parent once their mate is gone. Their life goes through changes, which may include their children (currently going through this w/ my dad)

I think you're able to do this on your own. Keep the memories and remember the good ones. Remember how it was growing up w/ your grandparents and do some of the things with your kids that your grandparents did with yours. If there are any holiday traditions you did, keep them.

Do you have any friends that have kids? Perhaps you could swap babysitting with them? Make them your extended family?

I'm not sure why you do everything by yourselves...perhaps money is tight, etc. Just make sure, when you can, to get some time for the two of you and make that bond stronger when you can. You have enough love and strength to be your own family unit without extra family around.

One other thing to remember -- family spending time with your kids shouldn't be considered *babysitting*....it should be considered "spending quality time" with your children. If you *really* need a break, I'm sure being honest with your dad that he could come watch them. I would personally just save $$ for a sitter and get out of the house when you can. Even if you were to take a sick day, get someone to watch your 3 year old when the boys are in school and go out on a date with hubby.

Good luck!

I'm sorry for your losses. With all of your struggles it must be really hard to take.

My siblings and I grew up without any grandparents because my mom's folks died before I was born and my dad's parents did not care to have a relationship with us. I really sensed that loss when I was young. Your older boys are lucky enough to have the memories at least. You can only pray that their remaining grandfather has a change of heart. If not, the kids will be fine. No one can really take the place of a loving grandparent, but you learn to treasure and nurture all of your relationships at a much younger age.

My concern is much more for you--this is hardest of all on you. And now since you are going to also be your family's breadwinner, you're swamped! I hope this forum helps but I also sense that you really need a face to face support group, at the very least a good friend. Given all you've been though and are going through, you need some help from soemone. They won't take the place of your parents, which you would never want anyway. You just need support, and it does help more face to face.

Bless you.

what about going to a nursing home and "adopting" a gramma?? I'm sure some lonely person who's family has forgotten them would love the attention

Hello B. J I am B. D
I was so hesitate to respond because it brings all the hurt back-I have 2 children-(My father past away before my children was born,my husband's mother past away same year as my dad. My husband still aches for his mom (single parent she did everything). Now my mom died 1/10/04. She was sick during the Christmas Holidays. My son who was suppose to been born 1/09/05 came early. My mother loved my daughter who is now 8. My husband, my daughter, and I missed my mom. My brothers and sisters lived far away and I don't have anyone. It is hard and reading the responses about going to a nursing home maybe a good idea but the pain is still there so I am still hesitate. So if you ever want to talk - ____@____.com

I don't know completely what it's like to raise a child without grandma's. I was raised without them,though. My father's mother died when I was six and my mother's mother when I was eight. I am not going to lie I did miss having them around but I did have some great aunt's with whom I was very close. I do understand about the childcare a little because my husband's mother is passed and my mom lives about an hour away. So it's not exactly the same thing but my mom is not always available because she works and has her own life with friends and church and work. We have struggle with childcare this year but if you can find someone you trust who is reliable that's really the key.
As far as missing the grandparents the only thing you can do is be grateful for your children and your husband and that you all have each other. A friend of mine has her parents(who are deceased) favorite meal on their birthdays. I think that is such a nice way to remember them and honor them and keep their memory alive. Good luck to you. I know this was maybe not the most concrete of advice but I just wanted to let you know I empathize.

Dear B.,
I have the same issue I have a son 14 months old and I have custody of my 12 year old brother as my mother passed away in febuary of this year. I'm a single mother going to school at SMCC and I do it all my self. I'm coming up on our first christmas without my mother and to make matters even worst I have to move out of my apartment on December 1,2006..So if you ever just want to talk don't hesitate ever. I* just wanted to let you know tht you are not in this alone and if I hear of anything I will let you know. I also wanted to add that I was talking about this with my parent partner and she said that her grandparents had passed away and that at holidays her parents would talk about her parents and tell them anout favorit things that they did and they would even som holidays like make a placemate of all the grandparents things (like food, crafts, vaction spots) Just make sure that you always tell the kids how special they are. I always show my son pictures of my mother and tell him that she loves him. Hes only 14 moths old but I don't think that you can ever start too young