No Time Together

The only thing I can say for u is that this is not good 4 ur releationship or anyother relationship. This is almost the same for me. The only difference is my husband is a major work alcoholic and the only time he makes for me is sex. As of now I don't like sex and he is lucky if there is 1 time out of the month that I will want 2 have sex. I too love my husband very much but the thrill 4 sex is completely gone. I can only tell u 2 try and make ur husband understand how u r feeling and that things need 2 change 4 ur happyness and his. Being HAPPY in a relationship is so very important. Please do what u need, 2 b HAPPY.

Best of Luck and Take Care

Hi D., congrats on your new marriage.

See it depends what your priorities are because to me the Marriage is what comes 1st before anyhting. If you don't have your husband than you are struggeling alone as a single parent and eather way the Kids ar the ones that suffer.
Why don't you pick a day for you guys (without the Child) go out on the weekends?? It could be a day pick nick or an evening romantic dinner.. about the sex don't worry your husband is normal I am a newly wed too and that is all my husband thinks about too.

I would consider having normal schedules and taking the Baby to a Day care because that way you guys can have dinner as a family which you could carry a conversation then and spend quality time together it is also important for the baby to learn early on to socialize with other Kids.

I hope this helps... God Bless ( I have two Boys one 6 yrs one 3 months)

Hi D. -

Congrats on your new marriage and your little girl. Also, kudos to you and your husband for trying hard to make an environment where at least one of you is home with her. With both of you working full-time and during different shifts, it can't be easy for your bodies, minds, or spirits.

In all your efforts to ensure that your daughter is getting the best possible care, please don't forget to nurture your own relationship with each other because I can assure you that many, many marriages end up dissolving because they fall prey to focusing solely on the child. This straight-edge focus can reduce your energy levels to such a degree that before you know it, you have nothing to offer each other but potentially unfulfilling physical intimacy.

I suggest that you ask your parents to give you and your husband at least two date nights per month to rejuvenate your relationship and rediscover what it is that brought you together in marriage in the first place. If your parents can't help you out, then get a babysitter and/or network on Mamasource to find moms in your area who are willing to watch your child. In lieu of an hourly fee, maybe you could trade babysitting times with other moms who need just as much reconnection in their own marriages as you do (you're certainly not alone...there are many, many moms out there).

My husband and I are about ready to have our third child, and we already have a full house with two young children (our son, who's four and our daughter, who's two). We are definitely anticipating the need for some outside-of-the-home "alone" time, so we've decided that we're going to sign up for salsa lessons when the baby is a few months old because we always enjoyed dancing before our babies came along. Not only is it a unique way to get out of the house and have some fun, it's also a great way to keep in shape and keep our energy levels up for our kids and other late night activities. ;)

The point is, whatever you and your husband decide to do on your own, make the time about reconnecting with each other, not rehashing the day's events...make a rule not to talk about your daughter or fret about work - just focus on each other and don't try so hard to have conversations...just BE with each other.

One last thing, when your daughter is old enough to attend pre-school (say around three), there are city-sponsored programs that are both affordable and very effective in preparing children for the big transition to kindergarten. My son goes to Friendship Camp on Bay-to-Bay in S. Tampa, and he LOVES it. He's only there from 9 a.m. - noon, but it gives him time to get socialized and practice his basic academic skills while giving me some valuable one-on-one time with my daugther.

If you need your daughter to be in a longer-run program, there are tons of private pre-schools that will serve your needs so that maybe you can eventually switch to a shift that's more compatible with your husband's. As your child gets older, it's more important that she get socialized and adjusted to a routine classroom environment than always being with mommy and daddy - just read through some of the other posts on this site, and you'll definitely agree that you don't want to encourage "clinginess."

Blessings to you and yours!

In part I say hurrah for you putting your daughter's needs ahead of your own and doing what YOU think is best, regardless of what's easy or going to make you feel guilty.
Also, I think it's important to remember it's just temporary. Your daughter won't be this young forever and it will get easier to make time when you can trust her with daycare, a babysitter, family members, friends, etc. at some point. Not everyone is ready and willing to do that all the time, and I don't think there's a timeframe on when you'll be READY for more alone time with your husband.
But he needs to understand too that your need for intimacy is about more than physical pleasure. Have you tried flat out telling him that? Sex is important, yes, but if you don't see him, touch him, hold hands with him, laugh, and tell stories together, what is your impetus for sex? Because there's time? Maybe good enough for a man, but not good enough for most women. If I were in your place (of course knowing my husband, and not knowing yours) I would tell my husband that I NEED that intimate time that is not physical just as much as HE needs the physical intimacy. Unfortunately after kids, sex can become a bartering chip. But you need your needs met too, and they are EVERY BIT as important as his needs. Good luck and best wishes.

Not to put your child in daycare is a very hard choice to make and sticking to it is harder when you see the outcome. I worked for a couple of months when my son was a baby and we couldn't afford daycare so I had to quit but even with both of us working days and being home at night there are problems we had homework from college and he is the airforce which made it really hard so your situation might improve if you switch work habits or it might not I think the only thing you can do is make time for him. you have to take advantage of your support network and go out on a date. don't force conversation all it will do will upset the both of you dinner and a movie outside the house once or twice a month a alone will help you both reconnect and remember why you are both doing this hard thing for your child.

Dear D.,
I applaud you recognizing your need to spend time with your husband. Your marriage is your primary relationship and should be put first. This is controversial and probably won't hear this from anyone else. I am not saying that you should ignore your child at all, but your marriage is super important. Your child is watching you and absorbing everything. She need to feel safe and loved and needs to see her parents together. I would suggest making sure you have at least one day a week off together without your daughter and one with your daughter. Your daughter may also benefit from a preschool situation for a couple days a week. Alone time is very important. A family member of mine is now going through a divorce due to "growing apart" from her husband of 7 years and they have a 2-year-old son. Good luck!!
K.

I WENT THROUGH THE SAME THING IN THE PAST. I'M SORRY BECAUSE I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I EVEN TRIED EXPLAINING THAT I MUST BE HAPPY WITH THE RELATIONSHIP TO WANT SEX, AND FOR THAT, I NEED MORE COMPANION TIME WITH HIM. HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT ONE TOO WELL. ONE THING THAT COULD POSSABLY HELP IS SPICING UP THE ROMANCE. WHILE YOU ARE AT HOME ONE DAY, WRITE LITTLE LOVE QUOTES OR MEMORIES ON SMALL PIECES OF PAPER AND STICK THEM IN DIFFERENT PLACES, MAKE A SCAVENGER HUNT OF PIECES INSIDE BALLOONS, ENDING WITH A PAIR OF PANTIES OR A NIGHTY WITH A NOTE THAT SAYS "WAIT UP ON ME" OR "SET YOUR ALARM TONIGHT". TRY TO SPEND "QUALITY" TIME ON YOUR DAYS OFF. GET CLOSE, HOLD HIS HAND, WRAP YOUR ARM AROUND HIM TIGHT WHEN YOU WALK, MAKE A CANDLELIT NIGHT WITH WINE READY WHILE HE'S IN THE SHOWER. SOMETIMES THINGS LIKE THIS WILL NOT ONLY HELP YOU GET IN THE MOOD HE MISSES, BUT REMIND HIM WHAT KIND OF MOOD YOU MISS. USUALLY IF THEY SEE YOU TRY HARD, THEY TRY A LITTLE! GOOD LUCK!

I would agree with those who say to put your daughter in a preschool/daycare setting at least a few times per week. If you are careful about your selection, children can thrive in a good setting around other children, even on a full-time basis. Then one of you could change their schedules and see each other more. If you don't nip this in the bud and start feeling that desire for intimacy, it will eat you up and lead to resentment, which can really damage your marriage. Your daughter needs her mom and dad to be happily married more than she needs to be out of a daycare setting. Hope it all works out for you.

Hi D.,
I can totally relate as my husband and I have the same arrangement. I work days and he works nights and weekends so our 6 month old daughters can stay home with one of us at all times. We are going on 3 years of marriage but it still takes it toll when we aren't able to see each other. Not only are we missing out on our time together, but I think having us both around at the same time with our girls is equally important. One thing I started doing is taking a day off during the week when he is off and having a family day. We do something fun with the girls during the day and are able to have some time together at night. I know it is difficult to juggle everything, but try to schedule at least one or two days/nights a month when you can get some QT together. It doesn't sound like much but it makes those times extra special when they do occur. You can plan date nights or movie nights or whatever it is that you like to do. Hang in there!

I am struggling with having to put my daughter in daycare so i really envy the fact that you guys are able to work out an arrangement where one of you is home with your daughter. But the best thing you can do for your child is to have a happy, and loving marriage. Putting her in daycare one or two days a week is better for her then you guys getting a divorce. I would rethink your arrangement and either schedule a day or two a week where you can either have her in daycare or with a babysitter so you guys can spend some quality time together building your relationship. My daughter is 15 mth and I can guarantee you some days she loves going to daycare and playing with the other kids. Maybe you two can put your schedules together for one day so you can eat dinner together, read your daughter a story together and then spend the evening just enjoying each others company. Remember if you don't stop and try to correct this problem it will only get worse and you guys will start to grow further apart and will probably end up getting a divorce which will be so tramatic for your daughter. Try meeting each other for lunch or talking on the phone once or twice a day just to keep in touch with each other. You need to make time for your relationship, which in the end will end up being the best thing for your daughter. Good luck