Not Committing Anymore

Sounds to me like he might still be married.. And the no kid info., I don't believe that either - he took to it to easily. It also sounds like you met none of his family or friends before you decided to make these huge commitments to the man - big mistake! Now I will make you feel better and say you probably never even had a chance - once these type of men decide they want something they will do any and everything to get it, promise anything etc. like he did to you - basically he wanted you & he did everything to get you - they are master manipulators! Now once he had you, once he had totally manipulatied the situation now he has to move on, you aren't creating the drama, infatuation, excitement etc to keep him. That is why he can be so nasty. You need to realise you didn't have a choice, chalk it up to experience & don't let it happen again.

perhaps he has a few problems (to say the least) and that house may not even be his. If I were you and I loved my son (which I know you do), I would count it a loss while I can and begin to repair the damage this has done to me and my son. Please find somewhere else to go quickly before more is done (emotionally).
take care and remember YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS!!!!

Why are you trying to understand this man? He's obviously very shady, and since you have a son there's no point in delving any deeper.

I'm very sorry for all that you've been through. I hope you will be able to move on and find happiness with someone else.

You need to get away from this man as fast as you can. It sounds to me like he is very dishonest and probably has a past of his own that he's trying to cover up. I can't imagine someone living in a home for 10 years and not having personal effects throughout.

Your son should be your number one priority and if that means being a single mom until your son is an adult and on his own, then that is what you must do. I hate to sound harsh, but it sounds like you are somehow attracted to unhealthy relationships with men and until you can figure out why that is and change, you should just stop trying. Even if you go out on dates but never bring the men home to meet your child, your child will still go through the emotional roller coaster with you. He needs a stable environment and it sounds like the stablest one you can give him is one with just you and no one else.

If you need help getting furniture and paying the bills, call 211. They can refer you to charity in your area that can help you get used furniture and other necessities and get you back on your own again.

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

You don't need to figure him out. Just get out. Then go to counselling to help you get through this emotional abandonment.

Church counselling would be my suggestion. I love The Village Church in Highland Village, but there are plenty of other great churches.

Hang in there.

Hello E.

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. you definitely need to move on and fast. before you go, make sure you have all your important papers and that he does not have your social security number nor your son's social security number. also get a credit check for you and one for YOUR SON. make sure there are no new debts in either of your names. Sorry you lost all your furniture. good luck and God Bless you! ~C.~

Run, don't walk, away from this person. Best case, he's a manipulative jerk, worst case - he has some serious psychological issues that are WAY beyond your capabaility of dealing with and you don't want your son caught up in that.

I don't know if you have family that you can go to, but that may be the best thing for you and your son. If at all possible, avoid serious dating/moving in, etc. till after your son is out on his own. Every relationship you have is a relationship your son has, and he really doesn't need the trauma. My mother married 4 times, and lived with boyfriends, etc, so I'm speaking from experience on his side. Some were nice, some were awful, but my sister and I paid for her mistakes. I don't mean make your son your whole life; you need your own life, but he needs you whole and focused to become the man you'd like to find for yourself (if that makes any sense).

I have a friend, a widow with a 7 year old, who signed up for Big Brothers for him. It's been great for the both of them. Maybe something like that would help you provide a father figure/mentor for him while you heal from this tough time.

Take care and I'm so sorry for all the pain this has caused you.

Well, I'll take the challenge and be blunt with you. You are living in a self-made fantasyland where this guy is coming to rescue you and fulfill all your life's dreams. Too many cheap romance novels is my diagnosis.

This guy is just not that interested in you. I suspect that he has taken you on as something of a charity case. I also suspect that there is a good bit of manipulation going on on your part. You sound very emotionally immature to me, and I would recommend that you continue in your counseling to explore the behaviors and attitudes that just aren't working for you.

He's given you three tries and decided every time that he's made a mistake. You've given him three tries and it hasn't worked out. It's time to move on.

True love isn't about subsuming yourself emotionally, materially, financially, spiritually, or physically to anyone else. You'll have a greater chance at finding true love ... and what you are looking for your son ... when you have developed the emotional maturity and the tenacity to stand as an individual in a relationship with another individual. You both bring things to the table and your lives intertwine with each other creating a strong and lasting relationship and a place for growth.

You might as well face yourself now, because you'll only have to face it later if you don't. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten ... and to end on yet another Dr. Phil-ism ... How has what you've been going been working for you? What part of this situation are you not getting?

I know you're hurting and I know you're probably a lovely person. You are giving away your power instead of working to improve yourself and to enrich yourself and your life. That success is going to be the biggest gift and life lesson that you will ever give your child.

I completely agree with the other 3 moms ... Right now you need to get out and try not to worry about why he is doing what he is doing. You can deal with that once you and your son have a new home and this man is out of your life.

There is obviously a pattern to his behavior ... which is not fair to you or your son. I can completely understand wanting to find and wait for the man that you thought he was, but even if he "comes around" again this will all happen again. Don't let yourself be fooled. That is hard when you love someone, but if he loved you and your son he would NEVER had done this.

I hope you have family locally, so that you could move with them. Go to a friend's ... go to a shelter. Show your son that you both deserve to be treated with respect and that you are strong enough to get you both out of this bad situation. He needs you to be strong and to protect yourselves.

My heart goes out to you ... Stay strong and please let us know that you have found a safe place.

Pack your stuff and GET OUT NOT before he does something you are not expecting. He sounds like a control freek and dangerous. If you are afraid of him following you, fall off the radar. Get out of town, or stay with a friend that he doesn't know, anything. Just Get out now! Good Luck.

Oh my... I am so sorry. I try to be careful about commenting on relationships because it is such a sensitive subject and I am not close enough to the situation to feel like I can offer advise. However, when I read your post it almost scared me. I think you should take your son and run far, far away. My first impression of him is a controlling person who will rule your every move. I had a friend in one of those relationships and it was BAD! I mean very bad!!! If your past confession was only that you did not get close to men because of your son... there is nothing there for him to loose sleep over. Any reasonable person would understand that coming from a single mother. My prediction was that was not his issue...it was his excuse. His actions are erratic, unpredictable and emotionless. I would not trust this man. He seems to have a hidden agenda and his thoughts are irrational. You are doing the right thing by protecting your son. I hope I did not come across as insensitive. I am concerned about you and your son. If there is anything I can do to help you please feel free to respond. You will be in my prayers. Kim

I would say he is manipulating you. If you leave he will be back in a few months/weeks/days telling you that he loves you and that you are the one for him. Please don't believe it. Use this as an opportunity to grow but not to get bitter. Not all men are like this. He sounds a little fishy. I think your instinct to move out now is right.

This man is a USER! Get out, get over it and get on with your life and your son's! And---keep your past to yourself in the future! And do not ask about someone else's past--they are exactly thar--the PAST! Do not ever let someone put you in a situation where you are dependent upon them until there is a REAL commitment--like marriage--and do not rush into that! This was just a mistake---love--he does not know the meaning of it! Love forgives and looks to the future---he has issues that you cannot even imagine! You deserve better and will get it---

You won't get any harsh answers from me. I feel for you. He made you feel comfortable with all of this or else you would not have done it. Somethings seems weird about him. It makes me a little nervous. I really think you should leave and not look back. Do you have any family nearby that you could live with temporarily? You really should change your number too so he cannot get in touch with you anymore. I suspect after you and your son are gone he will try to win you back agin only to let you down again later. Please move on. He is not the one for you.

E D,
A single mom is one of the most vulnerable people on the planet. You are torn between following your heart and doing what is best for your son. They are not always the same thing.
It seems that this man was an easy answer for you: he was a father figure for your son, he was financially stable(and generous),etc. But perhaps, he is not the right man for you. He seems to have issues. Not sure what they are as they could be anything from co dependence, abandonment,narcissm...
But he should not be your main concern nor should you depend on him for happiness. Focus on YOU and your son. Your son deserves only the best even if it means you may be a little lonely until the right one comes along.
Don't worry about what is wrong or going on with your boyfriend. Locking you out for the simple reason of changing his mind is not acceptable. You gave him your love and trusted him with your son and in return you're not even good enough to be in his house when he's not there. Does he think you're going to steal?
If he is a nice person at all(i'm assuming he is or else you would not have moved you and your son in with him),then do not be hostile,angry,or snappy with him( i know it will be hard!), instead be agreeable and understanding. Tell him you understand that he has concerns and that you and your son are no longer what he wants and you respect his decision... but that if he can find it in his heart to help you get furniture for a new place since you got rid of your old furniture, that you would be grateful. Tell him you'll pay him back in payments.
It is important that you move on and cease raising your so in this unstable environment.
It has only been a year since you began dating this man and usually it takes about a year before one's true colors show. I strongly advise in the future, to date someone at least 18 mos before moving in. Since you have a son though, I'd make that 24 mos. One year(inlcuding the dating period) is not a long enough time for him to have an emotional bond with your son, therefore it is easy for him to do this. Don't put yourself in this vulnerable position again. Both you and your son deserve better. Much better. There's no need to rush to find a father figure for your son. He can do just as well without one. Especially since there are some fathers out there who are not so great role models. You have the freedom to choose. Choose someone great. Someone with morals and family values. Someone who values family and respects commitment. It's hard to believe it right now, but they ARE out there.
Good luck to you. My prayers are with you and your son.

I have to agree! GET OUT NOW!
You will be able to look back later and see all the red flags (and there are many) but grab your son and leave.
The ability to manipulate your feelings like that, lie to you about everything, the back and forth feelings, and the empty house!?
Have you met any of his family or friends? Past girlfriends? Has he talked about them? What about his ex-wife? Was he really married?
This all sounds WAY too suspicious.
PLEASE, take your son and get away.

It sounds as if he has closed his heart to you. Some men seem to have the ability to turn on and off their affection at a whim. If it's as you say and he's living in his house with no past, it's obviously someone who prefers to have no attachments emotionally to people or things. Based on what you've written about this guy, he has no life, no friends. He sounds like those guys in high school that decided they were done with you and "broke up" by not calling or even acknowledging you, only it's the middle aged man version.

As hard as it may be to hear, you need to get out of this relationship, there is no future. If he's done this now, while you are dating, to try to force the issue, would be a disaster. As for your child, you seriously need to think about how your dating life affects his. I honestly believe that you should never introduce a person into your child's life until you are engaged. Use a longer engagement period to introduce them and slowly let a relationship form. You brought this man into your son's life without a solid, lasting commitment from him. Now that he's gone, your son doesn't understand that what's happening here is between adults. He will probably feel a sense of abandonment and might even think your boyfriend leaving is his fault or something he did.

I'm sorry, but accepting an apartment from your boyfriend was the wrong thing to do.

I think what you need to do is first forgive yourself your past mistakes. If you believe in God, ask for forgiveness and from that truly believe that he's taken that away from you. After that, look forward. Take each day as it comes and try to make each day better than the one before. If you have a positive outlook on life and appreciate the things you do have, rather than dwell on the fact that you have no man in your life, then you will attact good people to you. If you do meet someone you like, TAKE IT SLOW. Love is not a race to the finish line. Really get to know someone, everything about them, get to know their friends, their family and their life before making major life changing decisions.

You will recover. There is an excellent book called How to Survive the Loss of a Love. http://www.amazon.com/Survive-Loss-Love-Peter-McWilliams/...

A friend gave me this after a bad breakup. It helped me work through all my feelings in my own time. That friend eventually became a boyfriend and eventually my husband. We've been married nearly 12 years.

K.
SAHM to 3 ages 7, 5 & 3

hmmm?? this one is a thinker?? some men r so mysterious in a way you can't understand. i am sure there is a lot about this story that wasnt said. but having read your side...its seems like he is afraid of commitment issues. definitley. i went thru something like this w/ my b/f and it was that he wanted the single life again. note, that that was a big step he took from single guy to a family man. that is still no excuse for him treating you this way and your son. thats horrible. whatever his reasons are for acting this way good reasons or not. when it comes to your kid there are no good reasons, you know. you live and learn dont depend on no man. yes your son has seen some things that you probably wouldnt have wanted him to. dont dwell on it move foward you cannot change whats already been done move foward. i know you are probably pissed at your self b/c you have been so protective of him and been really careful w/ different men if his young life but you made a mistake and its ok. its ok. you thought this was the one and you introduce them and they got along. but this guy is going up and down. tomorrow he may want to get married w/ you and the next month he's gonna ask you to leave again. you dont need a man up and down confusing you. you need someone confident who knows exactly what he wants...every day. not someone who says you know exactly what he wants and 3mos later he doesnt! bottom line get out now, move on. your heart will heal. its better for your son. you dont want him to have continuous bad memories over your heart ache, it just isnt fair. be strong. move on. be around positive people for your son. period.

E D...I'm so sorry that you are going thru this. It is so much harder when you have a child. All of the responses that you have gotten are right, but you are probably thinking "how do I get out or start over", well if you don't have family here then I'm sure that you could go to your church or even the women on this site will help you. I have been in a bad situation myself and I would be willing to give you a loveseat to get you started. Maybe a few other things too. Don't let your son see too much of this...he will always remember. PM me if you would like the loveseat or just a friend. Good luck.

I am sorry to be so harsh, but you have GOT to ditch this guy, quit looking for Prince Charming, and save yourself. I was in your position in my 20s when I was totally in love with my divorced boyfriend, moved in with him, and watched him change from "loving" me into a cold, distant, unresponsive man I was desperate to please. He kicked me out of his house in front of his kids, one of whom had gotten very attached to me, and it was a very ugly scene. It took a long time for me to rebuild my self-esteem.

Get out, get a job and a life for yourself, focus on your son, and move on. It is not fair for him to judge you for your past after saying he accepts it. You deserve someone who accepts all of you, warts and all. Good luck. L.

E.D.
You can cry about this guy later. GET OUT!! Do not leave a forwarding address. Take your son and run. There are so many, many, red flags here. People responding are being nice about those flags. Girl, run,run, run, and do not let this person back in your life. You made a mistake. Now...get yourself and your son's home life stable. You need to be strong. God bless you.

I know you are hurting, but you have to put that aside and be a good mother for your son's sake. Get away from this man. He is cruel and definetly has something he is hiding from you. If you ever go back to him, your son will be hurt in the end. It could cause him irreparable harm. He, also, doesn't need to see his mom treated poorly by a man who has become his role model. This is who he is looking to to show him how to be a husband and father someday. Do you want that kind of role model for your precious son? Leave and don't look back and be very careful in the future about who you involve in your son's life. Don't waste your time on guilt over this mistake, learn from it and become a stronger women and mother. Good luck to you and your son!!

I am so sorry for you.

He isn't the right one for you and your son. The right man wouldn't keep changing his mind. The right man would want to spend time with you all the time. You and your son can get through this.