Obnoxious Mother...

I think you and I have the same mother. I have told her hundreds of times that she needs to move into a retirement community so that she could be with other people her own age and make friends. She would also be walking distance to shopping and would have transportation to the doctor (my husband or I have to take off work to drag her to a doctor's appointment at least once a week because she searches the internet to find things wrong with her---there's nothing physically wrong with her, she just wants to have cancer or something so that we'll all pity her).

Also, she WILL NOT call us--we have to call her. And I always DREAD it, because every conversation starts with her saying, "Well, I guess you're still alive, then." OH MY GOSH!....this woman.

I wish I could offer you some advice but I guess I just want to let you know that you are not alone in this. I wish my mother would see a therapist and get some mental help, but unfortunately that's the ONLY kind of doctor she refuses to see---the kind that she actually needs to be seeing. Ugh, go figure. My brothers do not help me out at all. My mother is driving both my husband and me insane. I really want to just tell her to get out of my life completely but then I would feel guilty. Crazy, I know.

Perhaps your mother and my mother could become facebook friends so they could sit around on the computer chatting all day and complain about how useless and ungrateful their children are.....anything to get her off MY back for awhile!

I feel for you. I really do. I hope that someone on this site has been through this and found a way to set up boundaries. I need the help also!

A.

My heart goes out to you - It is mothers like this that wonder why their children do not want to visit etc -
What do you do about it - Well ignore it but when she really needs help step up to the plate - Hard, just say Lord I know she needs help and I am trying to do my best - Lord give me the grace and strenght to do what you ask of me.

God Bless

Oh dear...I'm so so sorry! I wish I had something helpful to say, but I don't. I just feel terrible for your family, and your mom too! She's really alienating herself, and I'm sure it's because she wants to be with family, but she's pushing family away! I will pray for you, and for a solution.

You know when I first started reading this I was thinking would it be that hard to help her hang the curteins take her to the store etc. Then I kept reading. While I am not in the situation you are in I think I will be if my FIL passes before my MIL. I know it is hard to limit time spent with her, but that sounds like it would be a good thing. I also wonder how does she know when pay day is? Your finances really aren't her concern. It sounds like she is spending her money on things she shouldn't or doesn't know how to handle her finances. Have you thought about hiring a finacial conuncle on her behalf to know where the money is going? My parents both retired air force make more in retirement then my husband and I combinded. So it maybe an issue with her not know how to handle her finances especally if your dad did all while he was alive.

I think it is great you guys are helping out the homeless. I wish more people were willing. Since it is a sore spot with you mom it may be a good idea not to odo it in front of her.

I wish you luck. :)

Hi HGD,

Wow! That's about all I can say about your mother. (that is...nicely) In her advanced age I don't think there is much you can do about her attitude and her mouth.

I would suggest, however, to have your mother get a complete physical and see if there are any underlying conditions that could cause her to be so mean-spirited. Maybe there's depression, or a thyroid condition (that can cause depression like symptoms).

My advice also is to swallow your pride and continue talking to her on the phone and visiting with her once a week. Even though it's rough for you and your children the time you spend with her is important to you and to her. When she is no longer around you'll be able to stand proud that you were a good daughter.

I have to share a little about my relationship with my mother so you can see what I mean. I was abused as a child, physically, mentally and sexually (by my father). My mother was/is an alcoholic and was blind or turned her back to what was going on with the 4 of us girls and our father. Now, as she approaches 80 she does not have a good relationship with any of her daughters except me. About 15 years ago I decided to forgive and forget and moved forward to have a relationship with my mom. She lives in Alaska, as do two of my sisters, and I live in Oklahoma. I try to fly up to see her every year if possible. Last time I spent 5 days with her and it was honestly the best visit that I have ever had with my mother. Sure, she complained about my sisters. But I let it roll off my back, making sure I listened but did not agree or disagree with anything she said. As they say..."she has made her bed...". I speak to my mother about twice a week on the phone and mail her a letter once a week, with an occasional package thrown in the mix.

I had to do this for two main reasons. First, I needed to rid myself of the anger and pain that I felt by her betrayal and motherhood skills (or lack of them). Second, I needed to set a good example for my children. I want them to know that forgiveness is possible, restraint from saying negative things is possible, compassion is possible, and it is possible to love someone who has done you wrong in some manner.

I hope I didn't sound "preachy"...that was not my intent. I guess my point is to love your mother for who she is and try not to get overwhelmed by her negativeness. Your siblings are quite another matter. If you are uncomfortable being the "go between" then let them know. From one peacemaker to another...you aren't responsible for the actions or feelings of anyone else.

One of my favorite quotes is this: "Carrying your negative emotional baggage requires energy that could be put to much better use – say goodbye to it, let it go, and get on with your life." Lucy MacDonald

Good luck with your relationship with your mother and your siblings. I hope that things will change for the better.

Blessings,
W.

Boy do I feel for you, I had a biological one the cut out of the same cloth, trust me, I could write a book on her, finally I had enough and cut all ties with her, she still doesn't know why I treat her the way I do, well, I got to the day where enough is enough, especially when she told my youngest to his face he was a mistake and shouldn't have ever been born. So my days of being an enabler was over. Your Mom sounds like she has never had to depend on herself, maybe it is time. Be there when needed , but give her a life outside of her kids. As long as you let her, she will own you boots and britches. Put your family first, God bless your husband, mine finally told her to leave and don't come back. Thank God, She was always caused trouble, don't miss the drama, maybe it is time you kids let mom have her life. She won't like it either. You could pay someone outside of the family to do what you do, or better yet, she could pay for some help and let you kids have back your lives. Good luck, and best advice change the phone number, lock the door, and if that doesn't work, run! God bless you and yours,

Tough situation, hon. Remember that you don’t *have* to have anything to do with her. Your help and presence, if you choose to give them to her, should be gifts, not obligations. A lot of your frustration may be disappointment that she’s not – may never have been – the kind of mother you wanted or deserved. Well … yeah. She’s not. She sounds selfish, spiteful, and immature. She’s not a person you can look up to, or one you want in a position of authority in your family.

But she also sounds lonely and frightened. And, as with all the other (many) needs in the world, you get to choose your level of involvement. If, after careful consideration, you choose to involve yourself in her needs – her emotional needs, especially – you have to have limits, both because of her specific personality and also the more universal complications of the caring-for-an-aging-parent dynamic.

If you decide to be involved in her life, here’s what I would do (after perhaps taking a week or two break that it sounds like you might need): find a regular time when you can go and help her with her projects and errands (monthly, quarterly, however frequently you can manage without wanting to commit homicide). Keep calling every week or so if you feel like it, but keep the calls as brief and positive as you can. If she angles for you doing anything that can’t be done on that Saturday (or whenever), find an excuse and pass it off. Keep at it so that the “Grandma Day” will become part of the usual routine. And when you’re there, put your irritation at her manner on hold. Let her “nobody comes to visit me” comments slide off your back. Laugh at her jokes, listen to her stories, tell her about the kids’ latest shenanigans … and then, when you go home, leave it there. Don’t fret about who she is or isn’t, how negative she is, how WHATEVER she is. Don’t worry that you’re going to be like her (you won’t) or that your kids won’t know what a good Grandma should be like (they will).

Hang in there.

Yours,
Mel