Off the Wall Question

you've gotten great advice, but i'm wondering why don't you want it? I don't want it because i'm physically ill at this point and stressed w a new job. I don't feel like doing anything but sleeping.

Are you too busy, too tired, too fat, too sick, too mad at him over something else, giving too much energy to the kids, or ailing parents?? Is it really medical??

I have one week a month when I am horny, one week, I can "take one for the team" and 2 weeks where I don't want anyone to touch me AT ALL. and beign sick and overwhelmed I've missed those 2 ok weeks for 2 months now and i'm worried he won't love me as much or feel as loved but I don't know how to fix it either other than to trust we will get through it.

Dr gave me a white testosterone cream.Whenever I want to be in the mood, I just put a little on insides of both ankles and that's all it takes. Two little weird side effects-----it makes my taste buds and sense of smell get weird. Like, I will try to drink a Coke and it does not taste right and it made the smell of my husband's deodorant stick repulsive to me. Lol (:--- Had to go to the deodorant isle at store and smell a bunch of them to see which one he could use after that!(:

Suck him off in the laundry room, 5 minutes of your time.

There, everybody's happy.

Sorry for the graphics but it's always worked for me!

:)

It's when he DOESN'T hound you that it's time to worry.

ETA: I should mention, now that we're older (me 46, him 57), the tables are turning somewhat, so I'm looking for it more than he is. And frankly, I think it would be awesome if HE pounced on ME and took me into the laundry room to take care of the thing quick. We save the epic love making take your time kinda thing when we BOTH are into it.

A nod to Jo and Just M.

Empathy. Imagine how you would feel if you wanted sex all the time and he turned you away? I know a few women that have gone though that and even though they know their husbands love them it just destroys their self esteem.

Men are not that different from us, if you almost never want them sexually they feel they are sexually unattractive.

So put yourself in his shoes and then communicate with him.
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Although Theresa has shared one great idea, another one is, if you are in the mood be all over him like a cheap suit! Initiate! Seriously the only thing worse than being rejected is the feeling you are having pity sex.

So yank him into the laundry room!!......

It is referred to as 'taking one for the team'.
It's a two way street as well.

I am almost positive every woman at some point goes through this during their marriage. I did. And I came out of it by just doing it. And after I agree to sex, I actually enjoy it, surprise!!! And I also found the REST of my life was more enjoyable. Work didn't irritate me as much, my husband and I were closer, more touchy-feely, etc. It really is amazing what closeness (esp in the form of sex) can do for your marriage.

I encourage you to try to become more sexual yourself while you are alone. Read erotic books or online stories, pleasure yourself more often and explore your body to find what you really like - and yes, you may have done this before. Do it again. If I read an erotic story, I can go from zero to ready in no time!

I also encourage you and your husband to "explore" a bit. I don't mean you have to become swingers (well, you can if you want). But really, you should look into some things that you might consider taboo with anyone else but your hubby. My husband and I role play, read erotic stories together and "act them out"....it is a lot of fun. Sometimes, my husband will be "master" and I his "slave" - but probably not exactly like you're thinking (not AS exciting lol). We do it in a respectful manner. But he will slip me a note before work saying "tonight when I come home, I expect you to be in pink lingerie under your regular clothes". It keeps us both looking forward to that night ALL day! It really is fun. And because I know my husband respects and loves me, it is very safe and enjoyable. He treats me as his equal in real life, so this play is a sexual play thing for us!

I am just throwing out ideas (as you can see, I am pretty open about this stuff!). You and your hubby need to find what works for you.

Are you having orgasms or otherwise enjoying the actual sexual pleasure? If not, DEFINITELY work on that. If you are, then really it is just you "getting in the mood" that is the issue. I think of it like running/exercising. Getting out the door is the hardest part. But once you do - you are SO glad you did. I would also suggest having your hormone levels checked.

We all get in ruts. Cooking ruts, exercise ruts, cleaning ruts, sex ruts. You climb out of all of them in almost the same way. Change up what you're doing. When you're in a cooking rut, it is because you are cooking the same things over and over and are tired of them. Well, change up your sex life! I am telling you, it works! And your husband will start treating you like a QUEEN. What could be better? Orgasms and a doting husband - sign me up.

ETA: And Theresa is so right - if he stops hounding, then worry.....

ETA: I disagree wtih Ronda - the more stimulation I have, the more I want. If it lays dormant, it will stay dormant. Feel sexy and be sexy with yourself AND your partner.

I haven't read all the responses yet so I apologize if I repeat. For some people sex is just sex. But when you are married or with the one you love, it goes beyond that. It's about the connection you feel when you are intimate with the one you love. My husband and I just had this discussion last night. We are both very sexual in that we crave the connection we feel while being intimate. We know people that don't experience that and usually one person in the relationship is unhappy or yearns for that expression of love from their spouse. Your husband may be feeling that way. We also both agreed that if we didn't nuture that part of our marriage, we'd lack that connection and likely have less of a bond overall.

I don't think 1 to 2 times a week is too much to ask. You are the only one in the world that has the privilege to provide him this. It's so special. Try to open your heart to his needs. And while I do feel so strongly about the connection aspect, sometimes it's good to go ahead and give him a hand job or bj. My husband always tells me how much he appreciates when I do those things because I am showing him I love him.

I wish you and your husband the best!

I believe you should have that sex with him every week...use a lubricant if you are not in the mood. Do it for your husband. Sometimes even if I don't feel like having sex once we start I get into it. Look for ways to stimulate your brain and get turned on...reading erotica literature or watching certain movies. I think it is important for your marriage to try to do this.

Can you split the difference and accept once a week? It would mean so much to him. When he gets older, he won't need it as much, either.

If you are wondering how to get in the mood when you aren't, tell him that you'd like to go get a "bath" to get in the mood, and would he put the baby to bed or finish up the kids' lunches, whatever gives you a break. Then go get your soothing bath and read one of those ridiculous romance novels that gets your motor humming. That will help.

The more you "do", the more you will want to. It will make you two closer, and help him appreciate you more.

On Theresa N's answer - she's totally right. When we were pregnant the first time, we listened to a book on tape - something like the "5 minute solution to saving your marriage after kids".

I dunno, hafta google it.

Anyway - that was the whole point of the book. It (HJ or BJ) takes 5 minutes and results in a calm, helpful and friendly husband. Seems like a good trade.

There is a great, but very dense, book out there called Intimacy and Desire that covers this in depth. In almost every couple, there is a "low desire" partner and a "high desire" partner. "Low" and "High" are of course relative, but the point is that it's totally normal in a couple for one partner to crave more sex than the other.

The Low Desire Partner (LDP) ends up being the one controlling the sexual relationship because for healthy couples, no means no. Imagine the frustration that creates for the HDP, who is at the mercy of the infrequent urges of the LDP. This is unhealthy. The couple needs to work together to remove the barriers to intimacy and connect in a way and with the frequency that is respectful and satisfying to both.

At the end of the day, you don't want to turn this into "duty sex" or "pity sex" but as a loving partner, it's important to put some effort into this even if it's not at the top of your priority list. It shows that your recognize your partner's needs and make them a priority. It's good and healthy to do things that please our partners, and you should look at what areas you would like to get more out of him and talk about those. This isn't a bargaining session, but a way of realizing that you speak different love languages and if, say, he's more romantic or does more chores or whatever, you will recognize that he is doing that out of love for you because he wants to please you and you in turn will be more apt to be more sexually generous and attentive to him, which he will recognize as loving and valuable to him, which will encourage him to want to do more for you, etc.

If you think your hormones could be out of whack, look into that. Talk to your gynecologist about this and see what she says. If there is nothing obvious, Dr. Sara Gottfried has a great book out called The Hormone Cure that talks about how we can try to balance and optimize our hormones for all kinds of healthy purposes, including increasing libido.

ADD: Here's the thing about thinking that rejecting sex isn't rejecting him - for him, it is. I think, generally, that for men sex=intimacy; for women intimacy LEADS to sex. So when you reject the sex, you ARE rejecting him even if you don't want to, because he wants to be physically close to you in the most intimate way. Now WE generally like to have a bunch of "external" physical closeness, and sex may or may not be a part of that. We feel rejected often when we don't get that closeness. It's an annoying conundrum.

ORIGINAL: First - when you visit your GYN, ask them to check your hormones and make sure there isn't actually something medical behind the libido question. Better safe then sorry.

I feel the same way, generally. I don't "crave" sex, but I do enjoy time with my hubby. His libido has ALWAYS been stronger than mine. We generally have sex at least 1-2x per week (average every 3-4 days) which works for both of us.

For me, I generally say yes unless I'm REALLY feeling no, because 9 times out of 10, I enjoy it myself and/or I enjoy that he is happy/enjoying us, etc.

Let your husband know that your libido is lower, that you need more non-sexual contact and interaction - that generally helps us feel frisky. Cuddle on the couch, etc.

I like Doris's idea also. I'm a fan of Nora Roberts romance novels : )

If you're not in the mood but you want to give him pleasure, give him a hand job, or give him head.

"I would be doing it more for him than me"...... AND??!!!! Isn't it good to do important things for the people we love?

As a person who has been on the other side of this in several relationships, it SUCKS!!!!! Nothing is worse than the partner who is hardly ever in the mood and always needs to be "won over" with a lot of work. Believe it or not, sometimes men are like this too. I got sucked into a couple of vortexes with "big thinkers" or "creative guys" and when the relationship was new, they acted normal enough, but as soon as the comfort phase set in, it was like they couldn't be bothered and only wanted to be seduced all the time. And didn't care if that didn't happen because they were so freaking introverted or whatever. UGH!!!! SUCH A DRAG on so many levels.

Whatever it takes, be available and enthusiastic (holy cow, 1 or 2 times per week is not that much!! Some lucky ladies have men who want it every day AND do all the work!) While I love Theresa's suggestion and you should definitely do that sometimes, you also need to "like being in bed with him and like having sex with him" so that he stays feeling loved and happy.

Don't think of your own personal mood for "the act of sex", think of showing him you love him and just make yourself act on it for good and pure reasons. Take a shower, get cute undies, get in the mood, just cuddle him and happily let him take it from there and be glad he does. You do NOT want him to cheat, but more importantly, you do not want him going through his life with a less than adequate sex life for his needs (which are not that high). You love him right? Power through it, momma! It's good for your health and burns some calories.

I married a neat freak. I really did not FEEL like constantly cleaning and keeping an orderly house. But in marriage you have to respect another person's happiness. I cleaned the house and I didn't mope about it, I just embraced it as something nice I did for someone else and enjoyed the clean house (which he helped with). Sex is very important. I dumped those un-horny guys because the feeling of rejection got REALLY old. Get some books on ways to feel sexier etc. Sounds corny, but it could help!

I feel your pain. My libido issue is medical as I have Primary Ovarian Failure and no longer make sex hormones naturally. I take HRT, but it does little to increase my libido. My husband knows this, and is so understanding and supportive, but often times I just give in and do it for his sake. I realize he has needs and those are important to me.
I also find that even though I am hardly ever in the mood, once I get into the act of sex, I enjoy it. It's just getting me there...
It sucks and I try not to let it get me down. I also read that they are close to finding a "little blue pill' for women. I can't wait!

What Theresa said. Absolutely!

Are you doing too much? Do you have too much on your plate? Sometimes we need a moment to step away from all the mom duties in order to do a wife duty. Doris is right, we need a little time to relax without the thought of, "Hurry because I have to go fold that clothes downstairs before it wrinkles"!

I also have to chime in and say I know what it's like to be on the other side. My husband never wants sex, either, and if I manage to "seduce" him he shows no enthusiasm. I think sex is part of the marriage contract, and I feel so angry that he is not keeping up his end. We have young children and so of course I stay and try to keep the marriage loving as possible. But it certainly affects my feelings for him. It's not anti-feminist or not being true to yourself or whatever it is some people worry about to just "suck it up" and do it once a week, whether you want to or not. You can go crazy trying to figure out the source of your low libido, and I'm not saying you shouldn't try, but its also not just about you.

So not an off the wall question at all. Go to a plastic surgeon if you have the money. You can have some of the hood removed in order to have more clitoral stimulation. You can also gave your vagina filled to make it more plump and thus more able to lubricate. Thirdly, masturbate less. If you self-satisfy, you will not be as stimulated by intercourse. Good luck.

Just talk the talk.
Chances are, you'll start walking the walk!

I think he's not doing it right.