A lot of moms, in PM's or posts, have suggested changing the locks at our home (due to my verbally abusive husband issues, see other posts for explanation)
Here is my question: On two occassions in our marriage, I have locked myself (and the kids once with me) in our bedroom. Both times, husband was out drinking, I was home alone with the kids and we were arguing before he left, so I knew he and I should be alone and I knew if I didn't lock myself in the room, it would be bad. So, I locked the spare guest room door and went to sleep. Next thing I know, he is banging on door. One time he was very angry and demanded to be let in and that there are no locked doors in his house. This most recent time, he knocked, I said please just go to bed, he went and opened the door with a butter knife, undoing the lock and forcing me to talk to him.
So, is me changing the locks really a good idea? I mean, what if he breaks in or does something ridiculous? Wouldn't it be safer for me to just leave? I REALLY don't want to have to be the one to leave, but I am terrified of what he may do if I change the locks, judging by the way he responds to a locked guest room door.
Thoughts?
Let me be clear - he has NEVER been physically abusive to me or the kids, NEVER. I think he has spanked our oldest maybe once and that was a swat!
Bug - good points.
It's illegal to change the locks on the home-owner.
IT IS SAFER FOR YOU TO LEAVE!!!!
He won't know where you are!!!
S. - seriously please make some plans to leave him. I don't want to hear about you guys on the news.
The reason I don't agree with the locks...it's STILL legally his home, too. Unless you have a restraining order or order of protection, he has a legal right to enter his home. He could turn and try to use that against you in divorce proceedings, or custody arrangements. Not to mention, it escalates an already abusive situation. It puts your kids and self in harms way. The thing is, doing something like this CAN make the situation physical.
My sister was with an abuser. Her counselor told her the safest way to get out...is to leave. With that said, I think you need to consult an expert. Contact a woman's shelter and talk with someone. They give you all the practical advice you need. How to this safely.
Don't bother with the locks. He will find a way to break in. You don't want to tick him off.
S.,
If you are seriously considering leaving please speak with an attorney who handles family law in your area. As good intentioned as the advice here is, you really need to talk to someone who knows what your legal options are. Your local women's shelter can probably help with this.
Best of luck to you, you'll be in a lot of mom's thoughts and prayers.
Locking him out will do not good. That is just going to make him mad. If you are not in physical danger there is no need to RUN. Stay calm. Make a plan. LIke I said earlier, if you start the ball rolling and things fall into place, so be it, you are on the right path.
S. if you are ready to move on with your life and be out of this marriage do the adult thing and make that change. It takes time to break up. If you start now you can probably be done by the new year. DO NOT TALK TO HIM WHEN HE IS DRINKING. It does no good. DO NOT THREATEN If you are not serious. If you can, sit down with him and tell him what you are doing. If you want to save some money, look for another place, have the ball rolling and then talk to him. Ok then don't say anything now.
S. if you decide to leave and then chicken out. That is ok too!! THIS IS SCARY SH&T! You gotta have some big kahones to do this.
I wish I was closer to ya! You need a lot of friends and family to get through this.
Blessings!
D.
hoenstly its his house too...you cant lock him out, and even a person not emotionally abusive already might be set over the edge by being locked out, I'd suggest you leave a nice letter not an angry one and leave, if you feel he may get abusive, if you feel he wont be abusive i'd leave normally, let him know tonight and slowly make plans in the next week with him knowing. Only you knwo whether he will be emotionally abusive during this time, or J. be a jerk and say good riddance (sp) but I would suggest NOT to lock him out...hes allowed to break into his house
No, you need to leave. Even though you have the right to be in the home, forcing him to leave will be complicated if not impossible.
I second Bug's response.
There is help out there for women in your situation. I am heartened to hear you are heading in the right direction. I know it is scary territory your are branching out into and I pray you find peace,happiness, joy and safety in life. I have 3 kids too...I can't imagine all the decisions and fears swirling in your head right now. Be a mama bear and protect your cubs and yourself.
Good luck and best wishes!!
Changing the locks is illegal. It is called an illegal eviction, He can sue you... and probably win... and he will give you hell to pay.
If you are going to get away, then you need to leave.
Don't change the locks. Get out. You take your kids and go someplace he has no legal right to be. That way, if he tries to force himself in, you can call the police and have him escorted away.
Leaving will put you and your kids in the least dangerous position. No one lives in Fort Knox. Think of all the windows he can break and the doors he can knock down if he gets mad enough at being locked out of his house. Each one of those is an entry point. Meanwhile you are in the house with your kids, trying to call the police. Just because he hasn't hit you or the kids amounts to zero in my book. People pushed hard enough will do some strange, out of character things.
I'm not in your situation, but having read your emails and posts I do feel that you need to follow the advice from the other mom's to get out of the house. Talking to a women's shelter about the best and safest way to leave is the best approach in this situation.
From what I have read you have done a lot to try and work things out with him. He just is not hearing you at all. He does not respect you enough to calmly listen and discuss a separation or counseling. I'm also concerned that he invades your space when you tried to put distance between you by locking the door. If you need a time out from arguing with him just a closed door should have been enough for him to understand you need time alone. Forcing a confrontation with you was wrong in my opinion and it concerns me. Please be safe and take care of your kids first. Stay calm and don't let him force you into another argument.
I agree with Bridgett. You need to seek legal counseling, not just talk to us mamas. As much as we all want to help, most of us aren't attorneys and we don't know your specific circumstance so we can't tell you what your rights are, what you're entitled to, etc. If your husband refuses to leave the house then talk to an attorney and see what legal steps you can take to keep the house, keep him out, etc. Good luck,
Hi Scarlet, I read all 3 of your posts.
Your husband sounds like he is very verbally abusive and that you made up your mind to leave him, you just freaking out about how you going to do it. I also pick up from your post that your husband is not inclined to share the house or any monetary wealth with you in case you leave.
Hence, my advice to be very bold. Do not try to leave or scare him. Pretend you calmed down. Stop arguing. Get whatever you need in place. In the same day - clear all the accounts you have knowledge of, hide the cash and wait. He obviously will figure out that you did that and will explode. You just have to calmly notify him that your marriage is over. If he attacks you - good, call the cops, they'll grab him and hall him away. You case is almost won. He will be ordered out of the house, etc., etc. If he will not attack - calmly proceed to filing for divorce. The trick is - NEVER look back, listen to his pleas, and do not give up the money. Good luck.
You can not legally lock him out of his home, so yes, it would be better to leave yourself. He would have every right to break in if you locked him out, or to call the cops on you.
I haven't read anything other posts or PM's, etc, just this.
Get out !!!!. I don't care if he's never physically hurt you or the kids. What about emotionally? Why do you wnat to live your life in fear???
Make a plan. Start saving some money. Pack up some clothing. Do NOT let him know that you are even considering leaving.
call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233)
visit the website www.thehotline.org
call a local shelter, call 211
OK first of all you cannot change the locks. not legal. you can get help from the state. and he would have to pay child support. you need to make sure you have the kids in your possession when you file. if he does he gets the kids till all is settled. next thing. if your name is on that savings account you can take it all. go to the bank, close the acct and open just in your name. take it all.
