Hi S.,
My heart goes out to you and your entire family. I am a 56 yr old woman who lost her Dad at the tender age of 20. So, I can only tell you how this loss effected my ability to make good choices for myself. Truly hindsight is 20/20, but I hope I can help. My Dad's death was quite sudden. I was living independantly, having graduated with an associates degree, I wanted nothing more than to live the life in Boston. (my first apartment was across from the Pru, above the Bulkie and Paris Cinema!!). Two days prior to his death, Dad picked me up at my work and we had dinner. I'm so glad I had that moment with him. I never got to say goodbuy.
He was only 52 yrs old. I think I was just so stunned. It was at least 6 mos later that I emotionally came to terms...he wasn't on a business trip and I was never going to see him again. I am the youngest, my siblings married, so I felt very alone. I made a lot of bad decisions in relationships, often confusing a disfunctional controlling man with what I truly was looking for, a man of strength. (my Dad was a really good guy, worked constantly, captain of all sports teams, President of High School and College student gov'ts, president of his college alumini..president of everything he touched, extemem Type A). Most of the guys I dated were controlling. My husband of 14 yrs was a dry drunk who totally controlled me. We had three beautiful children together. Divorce. Alone for 10 yrs with three kids.... The kids are great, now thru college (I paid my share, he didn't). They are all married to wonderful people and I have 5 grandkids. When I started dating again, I dated some really inappropriate people, making those same bad choices.. Then I was lucky enough to recognize this pattern. Met my hubby, genuine nice guy, not TypeA, not controlling..just nice guy.
So, the advise I'd have... don't stop trying to be close to your daughter. Don't be afraid to talk to her, she won't like what you have to say, but believe me she'll hear it. In her heart she knows she's made a bad decision and just doesn't know how to get out of it. The more he separates her, the more control he has. With internet, you might be able to keep in touch with her more. Meet her for a regular breakfast, or coffee. Have movie night with her, alone... She needs to feel safe, and she needs to know her family will help her no matter what decisions she's made. She needs help while she's in the relationship, do not wait til after when a lot of damage has been done. Economics has a lot to do with her staying. She probably needs his income. Let her know there is a place forher to stay if she needs it. If she needs a 'safe' house, go to professionals... like Independance House in Hyannis. Controlling is the beginning... violence is often not far behind. You might of tried all this...keep doing it. I wish you the best, and I wish enlightenment for your daughter. In her gut, she knows she should get away from him.
With Friendship,
L.