Our Sex Life Has Flown the Coop

wow do I know what you are going through I have been married for 9 and a half years and I also stay at home while he works all day. We had gone through a real bad slump where as you say the only action was when the sheets got changed. For a while I did nothing about it....and nothing happened. Then I decided that we needed to do something about it. one morning I put a short note in his car before work saying that I was thinking about him and miss him when he is gone. Then at lunch I called and told him that I had suprise for him...but I couldnt show him till after the kids were asleep......well lets just say that by the time he came home we both couldnt wait till bed time.. Then we made a date night... I know this may sound weird..it did to me at first....but after being married for a while life get ahead of you and you plan everything esle so why not. Me and my husband also write little notes to each other once in a while just little stuff to help stay connected. any way I hope this helps.also if you can afford it and get a sitter...a night at a hotel with a hot tub should help put things back in order.

One of the key things to do is to MAKE some alone time , preferably an overnite, if there is anyway that you could have him stay home a few days and take care of the kids while you go away all day it tends to make them a little more understanding of the things you do, or you could just not do the regular stuff like cleaning and cooking and take off after he gets home a couple of times and then he will notice what you do do.

The first thing that comes to mind is that you need to talk to him, and tell him what you do all day long, so he understands that you aren't sitting in front of the t.v. eating bon bons all day. You also need to put date nights on the calendar, even if you all you do is spend time alone with him at home and don't go out. Anything that is important gets scheduled into the week, right? This is important. Married couples who don't spend time communicating and spending time "together" will grow apart. Being tired is understandable occasionally, but if one of you is too tired, make sure you reschedule for the next night. If after talking to him, he still doesn't understand what you do all day, take a day or two off so he can watch the kids. Go on a weekend women's retreat at church, or go see some relatives by yourself, or even drive up to the outlet malls for the day to do your Christmas shopping and leave the kids at home- whatever works. After he has spent a day running after 3 kids all day, he'll be worn out and will hopefully be more appreciative of what you do, and also more understanding. If he isn't, at least you got some alone time! Best wishes.

I agree with Caryn what is it with the bon bons in front of the tv idea? Like we have time to do that. I feel sorry for you T., but I was lucky enough to have my husband home for a while when I was working to support us and he understands what it is like. Also once I got the flu terribly and the rest of my family was gone to a funeral so my husband watched our son and niece and nephew for the day. Afterwards he told me "I don't remember that I have to go to the bathroom"... I like a lot of the ideas out there so far. I know even with one son we are too tired sometimes to make time to do it, but we manage. I like to get an overnight with my son at the grandparents, or early morning is a good time it is fun to fool around before you have to get going and puts me in a good mood for the rest of the day since a little action happened. Don't give up!

Hi my name is A.. I have read your story and I think can make a suggestion to you. I am also a stya at home mom with my own home based hair salon. My fiance' works midknights and we have two children. I often find myself being really tired from just everyday life. What we have started doing to make sure that we have time for each other and make sure we have great sex is setting aside a some time when neither of us has to work just for us. Turn off the phones, we send the kids somewhere, lock all the doors and we are totally focused on each other. Try talking to him and making him understand what you do on a daily basis and he should do the same and then make the suggestion to him about the quality you two need. I don't know if that will work for you but it does wonders for us. I hope this will help you a little bit.

Hi T., I have just the thing for you. You and Hubby take a week vacation. You go some where anywhere. (Mom', sister', Disney World) Doesn't matter where. Have your precious Hubby stay at home all week night and day, do your volunteer work, take care of the children, house work and anything else that is on your daily/weekly routine. I hope it is a lot. Say thank you when you get home. Ask how things went? Give the house the once over, make sure alll the kids are there. Bet he won't complain again for a while. Don't think I haven't done this ( I have ) I have even purchased a universal remote which stays under my mattress on my side of the bed and when the channel changing gets to be to much. I take my remote and change the channel or turn the TV off. I have to hide my face in my pillow for fear I will laugh out loud. My hubby has gotten so mad that he has hit the TV with a shoe. He usually gives up and turns the light out and goes to sleep. I am full of ideas and not mean ones. Just ones that get a clear point across. Good Luck, there is always hope. B.

First off, I think most of us have been there at least one time or another. But I agree with Caryn and Nancy, he really needs a taste of what hard work it is to be home with the children all day. Its the toughest job around! So really talk to him and tell him how you feel about how you want more intimate time and what you do all day. And really plan to get out and have him home with the children, its a good eye opener for him and gives you so "me" time, which you totally need. I just don't want you to feel resentment towards him for not thinking your job is hard, because that would really put a damper on my sex life if my hubby thought that way. You also need to plan it, I know, not too romantic. But, if you know what to look forward to at night after the children are asleep, it makes for an interesting day for both of you, call each other if possible and remind each other about the evening festivities. All it takes is some good imagination. But for real, the best of luck to you and your hubby.

I agree with alot of the advice you have already gotten and I hope that you have tried to put it to use. I am 29, stay at home mom with my 3 year old as my four year old is in preschool all day. After I lost my job in April, my husband and I talked about me going back to work, but I enjoyed staying at home, but we soon started bickering with one another because I did so much and he believed I sat around and at bon-bons all day. I made a date with one of my girlfriends, told my husband that I was going out on such and such a day, I was leaving the house at this time and would not be back until the next afternoon. If he wasn't going to be home, he had to find a sitter, he had to get them ready for bed, so on...when I came home the next day, our house as clean the boys were being so good, not only did it work out for me cuz he realized that it is not easy staying home ALL day with two rambuctious boys, that he pampered me when I got home and treated me like a queen, which in turn, he got what he wanted!!
It just takes time and I whole-heartedly agree that you need "ME" time so that he understands what it is like to be a SAHM!

Hi T.,
Whats your husbands name? Because it sounds like mine...LOL We have similiar situations. I too am Homemaker mother of two and expecting now. My husband works 12-13 hrs a day with occassional weekends off. I'll tell you the same thing my mother told me. You MUST keep excitement in your bedroom before someone else does. Help bring it back to the room slowly. When my husband comes home I try to have a nice bubble bath waiting for him with the candles etc. I do this at least once a week...join him if ya can. Usually that gets them in the mood if not at least you were romantic. Put on that sexy nightgown and lay on the bed wait for him to enter the room. He should get the picture. Also a good idea whenever possible find an excellant babysitter...grandparnets, that loving aunt or uncle and go out for a night alone. Just adults rent a hotel suite and enjoy. I've found that this has helped me a bunch. Also like my momma said I sure as heck don't want him goin anywhere else. So follow ya heart and do whatever comes to mind. Daddy comes home at nine kids to bed by seven and let him rock you to heaven..:-) Hope this advice helps you.

I understand 100%! I am a mother of 3, ages 4, 3, and 4 months and also a stay at home mom. My husband works a hard job at GM and he never puts aside sex, so when I do he says the same thing. But raising children is one the hardest jobs in the world if you are a good parent. But what I have found is that you still have to make time for your spouse. Sex is the best way to feel close to have that much needed intimacy. I read an article online a few months back and it said that the most common problem that can ruin your marriage is lack of sex. It suggested at least trying to be intimate every 72 hours. My husband and I have tried this and it works well and minimizes the arguments about sex or lack there of. Plus it has rekindled my flame and now I actually want to have sex more. So maybe you can try this and see how it works for you two. Good luck!

Dear T.,
Something that I read just this week may help a little. A lot of times once we're married, we no longer treat each other as we did when we were dating (looking out for each other, complimenting each other, putting the other's needs above our own, seeking out ways to show affection...) and that is one of the quickest ways to cool down. What we need to realize is that this man whom you've decided to be with needs to be reminded of the the reasons he loves you (and it's not only about sex).
I am happily married to my husband of ten years and one of the reasons is we learned, very early in our marriage, that mutual respect and appreciation goes a long way. It sounds like there are other things missing than just the sex. If you could, maybe plan a weekend without the kids (you don't have to go anywhere) and just spend time telling him the reasons you appreciate him. When my husband was unemployed for a year and I worked full-time (which we both hated) it was very hard and our sex life suffered. We had a big fight about how he didn't appreciate me and my sacrifice and I didn't appreciate him....I discovered that men are hard-wired to need respect and appreciation for the work that they do...that means more to them then almost anything. Once I expressed my respect for him and appreciation for the work he does...that unleashed a world of appreciation and respect back to me and subsequently heated our sex life (in fact that's where baby numebr three came from). I know that my view is unpopular with a lot of "modern" women b/c it requires that you give without receiving and that you offer respect for something "that I could do just as well if not better". That attitude is what his seriously harming marriages today! Men need respect, women need affection. That's what most relationship issues boil down to, a miscommunication based on differing needs.
I read a great book called the Five Love Langauges by Gary Chapman and it goes into detail (using anecdotes and stories as well as research and commentary) about the basic ways people receive and give "love"...once you understand your language and get a glimpse of his language...things can improve.

I'm sorry this is so long...I truly believe that most issues can be worked through with a little self-sacrifice and patience. But, if you have more questions or anything...feel free to respond or email ____@____.com

A.

For some reason most men whom have never stayed at home with children don't understand. I agree with one of the women who said go for a day of self and leave the kids at home with hubby and see how FUN it will be for him. If that doesn't work, do what I did. You want quanity instead of quality, then give it to him even if it isn't that good. And then maybe honey will get the picture.

I know how u feel. Me & my hubby just had an arguement about this the other week. I told him i didnt feel like he respects my job. I am a daycare provider plus i have my three yr old at home all day. i also have an eleven yr old that has this and that. but anyways. me & my hubby havent had sex in like a month. I think sometimes sex needs to be planned. sometimes i think the quickies in the bathroom our best. I told my hubby we need to reconnect, we r letting life get in the way & we shouldnt be doing that. When the kids r watching tv lead him in the bathroom, lock the door & start kissing him. he should get the idea. dont get me wrong quickies r nice sometimes but not all the time. usually on sunday nights if we can get the youngest to bed before ten we make "our" time. i hoep it all works out for u. good luck. M.

T., I understand completely! I'm in the same predicament. I'm also a SAHM with a full-time working hubby. I know what you mean about the expectations from him when he gets home!! I think there are SO many of us out there! One thing my hubby and I have done in the past to "spice it up" a bit is got a book called - "101 Nights of Romance" (or something close to that). Anyway, this book has these scenarios that you and your hubby choose once a week. They are completely secret to each other. Each one has a way to bring the romance back to your life with some simple things to some extravagant things! Anyway, it was nice having a little something to look forward to doing for the hubby (and for him to do for you!). I know it doesn't answer the "sex" question - but it could help you guys feel closer romantically! Good luck T.!

You sound like me 15 yrs ago! Do you guys ever go out? Like on a date? Ever try leaving each other suggestive voice mails?It was always hard for me to think about having sex when my kids were small and asleep in the next room. How about getting a realtive or other suitable babysitter to watch them so you guys can go to a Motel/Hotel? Pamper each other.Oh, and if you are tired,take a nap during the day. I loved to volunteer as well, just don't sign up for everything. That also burns you out. Hope this helps. By the way, rent a racy video. L.

im sorry to hear that, but he needs to relize that being a mother, a house wife is a full time 24 hour 7 days a week job, we get tired too.Has he ever watched them or do everything you do with out you being there to help. If not why dont you plan to go away for a couple hours and let he take care of them maybe then he will understand. and my huspand said that you need a break and that this way he will see how hard we work . I dont want him to get mad at you but you need this. Then maybe you would have to meet him in bed. But then he might fall asleep.

C.