Do You Do This? - San Antonio,TX

Hell no, he can't wait. (We have 4 kids, as well - 10, 6, 4 and 18 months)

Actually, the ONLY way a man understands anything is if he FEELS it.

My husband worked and I wasn't after having the baby, so I'd ask for money and he'd give me $20 to go grocery shopping for all 3 of us for the WEEK! I never said much and just charged things to the credit card.

Fast forward a year later: I was working, he quit to be stay at home dad and he'd ask for money. I'd hand him a $20 bill and walk away. After ONE YEAR of this, he finally said, "I'm going to need more money than this." I laughed on the inside.

Just sit down and start eating when he gets home and tell him that he needs to get the kids bathed and watch the baby while you eat. He'll be shocked and all you need to respond with is, "Well, I thought you'd be ok with it since you like to eat un interrupted...and I wanted to see how it felt."

My husband understands SOOOOO much more now that he is the one staying home. I have the sex drive and he passes out with the kids. LOL

Why do you keep asking him when he's eating?

I'm quite positive he asks every time, and I'm also quite positive that in fact, it does wait until he's finished eating almost every night.

So why not just wait for him to finish, and then ask?

Did someone just say the luxury of being a stay at home mom???? You have 4 kids 6 and under and work part time from home. Where is the luxury in that? Are you eating bon bons and painting your nails???? Clueless that women is. I am willing to bet your husband gets a lunch break at work. I am willing to bet he gets to drink a cup of coffee on his way into work listening to the radio with no interuptions. How dare anyone refer to staying at home less work then going out into the work force. I worked full time prior to having my daughter and I only have 1. Staying at home is so much harder. My husband would be gone if he said that to me. You are a damn good wife. Next time ask him when your break is.

I deal with it by being thankful that I don't have to go to work all day and then come home and take care of four kids and a house as well.
Sorry, I feel that's just the cost of the luxury of staying home/working part time, you ARE on duty all the time, but at least you get to do it without rushing out the door to get your kids to daycare and get yourself to work every morning.
But you SHOULD get a break.
You need it.
Do your grocery shopping one or two nights a week after dinner, alone.
Get out every Saturday morning for a workout and/or coffee with girlfriends.
That's what I did, and it helped ME stay sane, that's for sure!!!

Yeah, I get what you're saying, but I think we as women just feel a duty to take care of our family before ourselves. I think your husband just wants some time to relax after the work day before he starts diving into more work. Let him have his dinner and then help you out. You can ask him to return the favor by watching the kids for a couple hours on the weekend while you have lunch with friends, get a pedicure, or just take a nap.

So am I correct that you eat with the children before he comes home? I understand that you are tired. But if his answer is that he wants to eat first, could it also be that he needs that time to change gears and/or needs to eat before he falls over? My DH will get to a point where he feels unwell and asking him to do much of anything before food (I joke that our last name means "travels on stomach" or "looks for food") gets subpar results. So talk to him and discuss why you are asking him for help and see if a compromise can't be reached. Like maybe "I'm going to put the baby in the swing next to the table. Can you keep an eye on her while I chase the 4 and 6 yr olds down for a bath?" Or "We need to get the kids started toward bed. Would you rather watch the 20 month old or supervise homework for the 6 yr old?" Maybe giving him options would help, and asking him for help with things that can be done at the table so he can also eat.

I work PT from home, too, and frankly many days I feel I have LESS time than when I worked out of the house. There is always something that falls to me, often last minute, so I sympathize.

You could try putting all your young children down for the night and have dinner together ALONE. Fix a snack for you and your man while the kids are eating and/or getting read for bed.

GIVE yourself and your husband the gift of at least ONE kid FREE meal. You might be pleasantly surprised.

I think it depends on the time of day. If my husband comes home at a reasonable hour (5:30-6:00) then he usually eats with us, or I let him eat when he gets in the door. If he gets home at 6:30 or later, I may ask him to roll up his sleeves and help occupy the youngest while I'm getting baths ready. He either does it while he's eating or waits to eat until things settle down. Keeping to the schedule is the most important thing.

Maybe next time just tell him what you need and ask him when he is going to do it? He may not realize you never eat undisturbed or even wish you would just stop and eat and let other things wait etc. Men and women, yikes, could we be more different? I would think that just telling him what needs to happen and asking when he will get to do it might be better, nobody likes to feel they are being told what to do and when to do it. Hang in there, you sure do have your hands full!!

In my marriage, I want my man to adore me, look forward to coming home to me, be glad to be married to me, etc. With this as my focus, it helps answer questions like this that come up.

First you have to put yourself in your man's shoes. So many women these days look at life only from their perspective. Yes, being a SAHM is exhausting but it is also very rewarding. I got to hang out with my kids, set a schedule to eat, play, run errands, etc. We got to laugh, explore, cook, read, and learn together. I got to see those loving eyes, those outstretched arms, hear those adorable sounds and conversations, etc. on a daily basis. My husband didn't get to do those things during the week. He had to deal with his challenges at work on someone else's schedule. He worked hard and sacrificed a lot to keep me home.

After finding out what he would like his evening to be when he got home, I would try and make that happen. I also built him up by praising him for his hard work and sacrifice. After 30 years, I still tell him how much I appreciate him. What I got in return was respect and admiration. He would offer to do things for me because he wanted to show his appreciation. I would tell him how much it turned me on when he did stuff like that. If I asked him for help, he was happy to do it because he knew I really needed it and wasn't just whining.

The way you ask should never come across as an accusation of him not being the man you want him to be. I can't imagine a worse thing for a man to hear after a long day of work.

Another benefit I had was when my husband had to have neck surgery and during his recovery he saw what everyday was like with a 1 and 3-year-old. After that, anytime anyone ever said, "Oh, your wife doesn't work," he always answered that I worked a lot harder than he ever did.

So, stop comparing your day to his. It sounds like he is happy to help as long as he gets some food in his stomach. Even though you don't have the luxury of eating undisturbed, you have many blessings that many working moms don't get to enjoy. The day will come when you can eat your meals undisturbed and you will do anything to have a little interruption...

Haha, I have 1 child and am a SAHM/Part Time Nanny (Bring kiddo with). Kiddo is 2 and is in that stage where I'm about ready to sign myself into a mental institution. As soon as hubby walks through that door he is on kiddo watch because I have checked out for the evening (I still make dinner and pick up the apartment but anything kid related he handles).

The first thing that struck me was that if ya'll were all eating together it would solve this. What happended to sitting down and eating together as a family? We always tried to do this and make it a priority. That way each person is not running around doing their own thing. The children are witnessing that this is a family time and learning about conversation.
I hate that he has to eat by himself.
Then the other thing that struck me is that men are wired different and do not/can not multi task like we do. They are not trying to aggravate they just are not wired the same way. They pretty much do one thing at a time. We want to rip our hair out because we are doing 32 things at the same time.
BUT if you do any Byron Katie exercises (Google Byron Katie) you will learn that instead of being angry with whoever frustrates you, you should consider him your teacher and you should learn to value yourself enough to sit and enjoy your meal without being pulled in so many directions. Again if you made mealtime sacred for both of you.
Men are not going to allow themselves to become the frazzled crazy people that we are, shoving food in our face while we do homework and try to bathe children. They will as calmly as they can do one thing at a time. You can either be angry about that or respect it and try to be more like them. But trying to force him to multi task is just going to make him angry. Probaby rightly so. It is not healthy for anyone.

How long does he take to eat? Allow him a reasonable time to eat, 20 mins? 1/2 hour? and then ask him to watch the kids. Just figure out what amount of time seems reasonable for him to eat.

As a woman, you will always do more.

my husband is useless until he eats dinner usually because he's starved from not eating since lunch. however, i still don't hesitate to leave him with the kids because they can play while he eats so.......i'd be annoyed too that he asks. i'd just give your LO something to play with that you know will entertain him for 10 minutes to give your husband a chance to eat and then go about your business and don't worry about what happens!

Most men are clueless...

Yeah...that would tick me off too...It's not like you were even asking so that you could do something for yourself....you were dealing with the needs of the other kids...

Of course, I truly belive that men are sometimes clueless. For example, I work outside the home full time. I left work mid-day the other day horribly sick. I let him know that I was sick and was going home to go to bed. He normally picks the kids up in the afternoons anyway... I actually got a text message that afternoon asking who would be getting the kids that afternoon? Now, what sense did that make? He knew that I was home and sick in bed (which I RARELY do). However, he felt that it was a perfectly rational question.

I agree with you!! I think he should pitch in especially when you request it! (You wrote that you "occasionally" ask him, so he should recognize your request and act on it immediately since you don't always ask him-AND it's not like your request is so that you can sit on the couch and watch TV-you're tending to the other kiddos!!!) I know it must be tiring for him to come home from working and getting to be an adult all day, but sometimes hubby's of SAHMs need to appreciate how difficult staying at home is!! You should decide to take a girls trip or girls weekend away, then he will know EXACTLY how difficult the juggling of everything household/kid related really is! Good luck!! :)

When I was a SAHM, DH and I had an agreement that he got 30 mins to himself when he got home. He also did baths and bedtime routines.

Yea, no way. I'm shocked at how many stories I'm hearing lately of men who just don't help. I remember when my hubby was much less than helpful...but those days are mostly long gone. Softball is his thing that takes time, but even that is dying down, some at least.

So no. I see no reason why he can't be a parent and eat food at the same time. No way would I even entertain his questions of "can it wait?" I would also not ASK him to do it, but just go do whatever you're doing with the the other kids or even a few minutes to yourself. You don't need his permission. If you just leave the room, he will be forced to play his role as daddy.

When my husband gets home from work, I always give him about 30 minutes at least to just unwind a bit before throwing the kids at him or bugging him and asking him things. It gives him time to eat something, go to the bathroom, or just veg for a bit. My kids are getting older (5 and 7 now) but when they were younger, I always felt that it's my job to be home and take care of my family. It's his job to make money and go to work (outside of the home). I did get breaks when they were napping or at preschool for a couple hours. So, yes, I can give my husband a bit of time to relax for a little bit before I ask him to help me out with my stuff.
Also my husband is always in a much better mood after he has eaten something, lol! Let your husband finish eating and then maybe he will be more willing to help you.

is he always eating?
:/
khairete
S.