Over Tired Newborn Part2

Hugs to you, mama! Your post reads like you are tired, too. It can be really frustrating to deal with a newborn who seems like she should be fine but still wants to nurse and be held all the time. It doesn't seem like it should be, but it is frustrating and hard to spend your days nursing and holding a baby, especially when there's a preschooler needing attention, a house that needs attention, a family that needs feeding, laundry that needs doing...Sorry, I don't want to make you feel worse, I just want to say that I understand where you're coming from (I have a 3 mo old, 2 yr old, and 4 yr old).

That being said, please don't feel like you have to break your baby of any habits. Credible research really says that babies this age cannot be spoiled. Their wants are their needs and the healthiest thing for them is to meet their needs, even if it means nursing an insane number of times.

The question of course is how to maintain your sanity at the same time. I agree with other posters that getting a sling of some kind if you don't already have one can really help. At least then you will have both hands free for getting some things done while still holding your baby. Personally, I would strongly recommend a stretchy wrap (like the Moby or similar) for long-term comfort. I also have a bjorn and a pouch, but the wrap is easiest and most comfortable for me. You can pm me if you want help with this all. Also, there's a BIG difference between letting your baby cry it out and letting her cry for 10 minutes while you take a shower. Hopefully your husband is understanding and can help out. And if you have other friends or family that can help, ask them too!

Finally, this is just anecdotal, but it was one of the most helpful things that ever happened to me. When my second daughter was a newborn she also wanted to nurse and be held ALL the time. When she was four months old, she and I went to visit my newborn nephew. I couldn't believe it, but he didn't want to be held all the time. He would cry and cry if you got too close and cuddly with him. He would only fall asleep if you laid him in his crib. If you tried to rock him to sleep he would just get more and more agitated. My bro and SIL are completely opposed to letting a baby cry it out, so I knew this wasn't where it was coming from. When I talked to them about it, they said they were baffled by this at first, but said that when they finally recognized that this is who he was, and worked with it, he was much happier and more settled. So I could see that there really are some babies who like to be put down to sleep and that's okay. What's more, I could see that my daughter was nothing like that and there was nothing I could do to make her be that way, as much as I sometimes wished that I could just lay her in her crib and have her be happy to fall asleep on her own. It also made me appreciate my cuddly girl, because the other side to it was that I could cuddle and snuggle with her to my heart's content, I could comfort her anytime just by holding her close or nursing, and (as she got older) I had a baby who loved to give hugs and kisses and that's a pretty nice baby to have! My nephew, on the other hand, was hard to comfort when out and about since he needed his own quiet space. I know this has been really long, but what I'm trying to say is that that experience really helped me to accept my daughter as she was, not as I wished she would be. It took away a lot of the guilt I was having about not letting her comfort herself more. I was still tired and behind on the laundry, but I was more okay with it, and that helped me more than anything.

Do you wrap her at all? Sometimes all the stimulation can be too much for the babies and they are conforted by a wrap (makes them feel in the womb again).

Might I suggest a book I found very helpful. I found it helps you to give your child the independance I think you are looking for, while still giving them the comfort and trust from you that she still needs at this age.

The book is called "Secrets of the baby whisperer: How to calm, connect and communicate with your baby" It's written by a woman who basically was a nanny all her life. She learned how to watch infants from their cues at a young age from her grandparents and she nannied for quite some time ...as well as had children of her own. The book has methods to get on a routine (not a schedule...there's a difference) If you do things in the same order during the day EASY method is what she calls it(not at the same clock time...jsut order) she'll know what to expect and she will probably calm down and relax into a daily routine and it will be easier on the both of you.

There are follow up books too one called "The baby whisperer solvs all your problems..by teaching you to ask the right questions." and "The baby whisperer for toddlers (I'm currently trying to read this one.)"

I've found hints from each of the books.

Oh and I would suggest not to do the cry it out thing, not until she's older at least. I know there's a lot of debate on this, but at 5 weeks she's too young to understand why you're not there, she's thinking she's being abandoned. She needs to be old enough to understand that you're not abandonign her. We did eventually have to cry it out with my son, only after using every other method suggested (they'd work for a bit, then he'd resist because he wanted us to sit by his crib)...we eventually did cry it out at 9 months...I think 6 or 8 months is the suggested youngest to cry it out for the fact that they'll have enough understanding, that you are not abandoning them.

As for the eating, as long as she's actually consuming a decent amount, let her continue to eat when she wants. HOwever if she's just eating a little as comfort, introduce a pacifier. Babies comfort themselves through the sucking reflex, she may just want to suck, not really eat. -- there's inforation on this in the first book I suggested.

I agree with the first poster in the respect taht you need to follow your childs cues and she needs to knwo you are there for her, to comfort her. But you can do all that and provide what she needs, while giving her a healthy independance (ie play on the floor for a bit, while you make lunch ect)

Good luck.

I don't think you need to break your baby of any habits yet. I've read many books and articals that say babies really don't develope habits until 4-8 months. As far as "eating for comfort" infants go through growth spurts at 3, 6 and 12 weeks. If your daughter is wanting to eat all the time, that is because she is hungry. Around those growth spurt times, my daughter wanted to eat as often as evey 1 1/2 hours. It's just my opinion, but it seems like you are worrying about your daughter "comforting herself" way too early. Infants wants are their needs. At this young of an age they need to know that there is someone who is always there for them and the only way you can do that is attend to their needs, find away to comfort them when they are upset. I suggest reading or renting the DVD "The Happiest Baby on the Block" by Dr. Harvey Karp, its all about infants 3 months and younger and how to comfort them. It especially focuses on Colic. I'd also look at any book by the Sears family of Doctors. These books may initially put you off because they are all about attachment parenting, but the may offer a different perspective. Good luck with everything!

S.:

I think the nurse you spoke with was very mis-informed. Babies at 2-3 weeks should not be left to cry. They don't even really now how to burp, pass gass, fully digest food. How can anyone expect them to know how to soothe themslves? Think about how we comfort ourselves. If we are cold, we pull covers on. If we are hot we take covers off. If we are thirsty, we get a drink of water. If we don't like a position we are sleeping in we roll over. These are all things tiny babies can't do for themselves. The only comfort they know is their caregivers arms. Babies learn to comfort themselves when they are actually able to do things like adults. They don't even have object permanence until 6-7 months. Which in their minds means if they are alone in a room, no one else exists. They think they are completely alone. The only thing they are learning if left to cry is that no one cares. As for the holding all day thing. Remember, they were held 24 hours a day before they were born. So holding them now is not forming a bad habit. It is just letting them know that someone cares enough to respond to them.

Good luck!

Aamera

As a parent of a foster/adopting baby I found that a child that cries when they have needs are better than ones that don't. If you let her cry it out at this age she will learn that you aren't going to respond and then she won't cry. Then you'll have the job of trying to figure out when to feed her because you'll never know when she's hungry or not. Our foster/adopting son came to us when he was 5 months old and wouldn't cry for anything except pain because his mother had completely neglected him from birth (not saying that's you, but her). I'm actually surprised he lived through it. I had to figure out what his eating needs were just by trying to time it and hope I timed it right. He ended up getting pretty chubby because I fed him too much and he'd keep eating because he had learned that as a life strategy because with his mother he never knew when his next meal would be. His brother was the same way but that's another story.
A child shouldn't be on a strict schedule until they are about 6 months old. If they get into their own little schedule before then then that's great but you can't force it. You'll have a fussy baby if she's getting a tummy ache from overeating to make up for not having been fed when she was hungry. If I wasn't allowed to eat when I was hungry I'd eat a ton too to make sure that I could make it until the next meal without getting hungry.
If you let her run the show she'll be a lot happier and so will you.
Don't beat yourself up about it. I know a few Mom's on here have been pretty harsh. We all do the best we can and just being on here asking questions shows that you are wanting to help your baby.
Best Wishes,
J.

I just wanted to chime in about the nursing issue. My son nursed every 90 minutes for the first 3-4 months of his life. I thought I was going to go crazy! By the time he was done with a nursing session, I only had about 45-50 minutes before he would want to nurse again. I couldn't really even leave the house those first few months because there just wasn't enough time to get anywhere between feedings. But my Early Childhood teacher and my doctor assured me that if he wanted to eat that much, then he needed to eat that much, so I continued. He eventually got himslef on a more normal 2 hour, then 3 hour schedule. He is now 14 months old, self-weaned at 12 months, extremely happy and well-adjusted. So, don't despair--5 weeks is really young to establish any bad habits. Just do what you need to do to stay sane and nurture your baby the best you can!

S.--i take my children to the chiropractor for EVERYTHING, ear infections so we don't have to do anti-biotics, bed wedding, acid reflux, bio feedback therapy, etc. i had problems with my daughter sleeping--we bought the book HEALTHY SLEEP HABITS, HEALTHY CHILD. I used it with both my children--saved my sanity and my marriage.

keep going to the chiropractor, both of you. homeopathic cures are so much better than drugs!

hang in there.

I think the mommy might be the tired one. I am not trying to make you feel bad here, but I think your expectations of her finding her own security is more of what may be expected from a one year old, not a 5-6 week old.

Hold her, hold her, hold her. You cannot over love her, but what she is probably looking for is your security. I would probably say around 6 months and up is when they start to find their own comfort zones...then it just increases from there. I don't think you can spoil a 6 week old either.

Give her time, give yourself time, sit in a chair and hold your daughter and just simply try to relax. The more you relax, the more she will start to relax.

S.,

This is such a tough time when you are sleep deprived and just starting to learn your babies cues, likes and needs. I had a severely colicy baby (my first). Baby Wise was recommended to me (the book) and I read it and tried to follow it to the "T". I do feel the book has some wise suggestions, but I regret following it to the "T". I did let my baby "cry it out" partially due to my need for sanity and partially because I was too exhausted (she cried continuously). She had severe colic through a year old. We found out she has anaphylactic food allergies -- so in retrospect she was probably miserable all the time from everything I was eating.

My second baby was also colicy, but not nearly as bad. I remember doing whatever worked and not getting stressed about a routine, bad habits and the such. I let him sleep in a bouncy seat next to my bed some nights and others I rocked him for an hour or so and sometimes used the swing. I focused on meeting his needs and comforting him and didn't worry about him forming bad habits. One of my friends told me that his security and comfort of knowing I can meet his needs outweighs any routine and bad habit theory. Around the six month time you can ease the child into a more structured routine and they will also have the ability to calm themselves down because you gave them security of comfort and meeting their needs initially. Your infant needs you to help her calm down it sounds like-- This is an infant we are talking about. Anyone who says otherwise has not cared for your baby. YOU actually know your baby best and what the baby needs.

Find what works and change what works as you need. Don't worry about routines. Instead love and comfort your baby. Eventually the baby will learn to calm down by herself. It will be a skill more easily learned by your baby when she knows that you meet her needs and she feels secure in your environment. Don't let her cry it out--it is the biggest thing I regret with my daughter--she is 5 now and she shows insecurity and is clingy because I feel I didn't meet her needs as an infant.

Alternative medicine such as chiropractic care is great! Both of my kids have been treated regularly by a chiropractor since they were days old. Baby massage might also be for you and your baby as might using a sling or baby carrier during these tough months. Bottom line, find what works for YOU and what YOU feel good about and do it. No book can tell you the answer--just provide suggestions.

You are a great mom and don't second guess yourself.

You're right. You cannot hold your baby all day. But you also cannot hold her TOO MUCH. Do what you can. Was it you I mentioned a sling or Baby Bjorn.
And Kudos to you for going to the Chiropractor. We take the kids for any colds and ear infections to make sure everything is draining properly. We have still had to go to the regular doctor, but the chiro just seems to get more done.
I know that nursing for comfort is frustrating. I was under the philosophy that my kids would just quit on their own and my oldest went until 3.5 before I finally told him it was not working for me. It was only at night, but I was done. That was the important thing.
Now, come to find out, he has sensory integration problems, and that is why he kept nursing. I am not saying that is what your baby has, it's just that everything has a reason, and you have to do what is right for your baby AND yourself.

Good luck. I know it is tough.

I am glad that the chiropractor was able to help. At 5 weeks she is way too young to establish bad habits. She is a baby & doing what feels natural to her. Try a nuk or her thumb she just enjoys being soothed by mom right now. Please enjoy her while she is little time goes by so fast!
Good luck.

I highly recommend Baby Wise and/or books by Kim West, aka The Sleep Lady. I ready Baby Wise when my first was still waking up every 2-3 hours to nurse at 5 months! By day two, she was sleeping through the night. They both have just great guidelines to get you started to sleep. You can read them and take whatever works for you out of them. It may not necessarily be bad habits, but I do believe that you need to start them on the right path so that those bad habits don't become something you're dealing with later. Plus, I believe in getting them on a routine, not necessarily a schedule, it so much better for them than lettinig them run wild. I let my first daughter sleep whenever she wanted, whether it be in the swing or the floor, etc. and she was a horrible sleeper. Once I read the books and realized she did need something more stable and routine, she started taking normal naps and the nighttime sleep just naturally came. I think she was just over tired and over stimulated from being held all day and only nappinig in short bursts. She became much happier too. I started this with my 2nd daughter right from birth and she was sleeping through the night at 6 weeks and went to bed at night perfect. Don't get caught up in a strict routine, but I do believe it's healthy for them to nap at certain times and in their crib. At 3 weeks you need to also use common sense and feed her when she's hungry, etc. but it will all fall into place. Good luck.

S. -

It seems you've hit a nerve! :)

Honestly, in my opinion, you cannot spoil a baby. Babies don't comfort themselves, it's the parents' job to help comfort them. There's a group out there (& it's not a radical fringe group) called NINO (nine in, nine out). They basically believe your baby takes 9 months in utero to growth strong enough to survive outside the womb, but it takes an additional nine months out of the womb for your child to become more independent, and that doesn't mean true independence. I'm sure you can find more info on the web, if you're interested.

She should still be eating every couple of hours at this age, she should still look to you for her comfort needs, and it IS healthy to hold or wear a baby all day. Followers of the attachment parenting style (see askdrsears.com for more info) believe that by wearing your child & being truly in tune with their needs, your child grows up to be happier, healthier & more well adjusted. Of course, it's just one theory (the one I happen to subscribe to), but there are many out there that are helpful.

Personally, I'm not a fan of a regimented schedule for such a young kid, but for some people it is what works. Setting our schedule more based on our son's needs (within the parameters of what we needed to accomplish as adults) worked really well for us. Our son isn't spoiled because we co-slept for 2.5 years, he isn't spoiled because we carried/held/wore him for an extended period of time & he doesn't run our lives BUT we do have a very close family, an incredibly intelligent son & he knows that we love him very much. For us, having a set feeding schedule, sleeping schedule and playing schedule was counter-intuitive. If I'm hungry, I eat - why shouldn't he? If I'm sleepy, I sleep (within what is appropriate during my day) - why shouldn't he? When I want to be close to my family, I am - why shouldn't he? I believe children deserve the same respect we give other adults, and I believe we severely overschedule ourselves... but I digress.

Do what works for you - trust your instincts & continue to ask questions to find your path. I hope your daughter is feeling better - sounds like she had some incredibly painful issues!

Good luck to you!
J.
(mom to Chase - 3.5)

Hang in there! I went through all of these things and then some with my son, too. I remember how exhausting it is. I also had people tell me that he was too used to being held. I did it anyways because it was just what he needed for those months. Now he is 19 months and busy all the time! He definitely was not spoiled by it. Enjoy holding your girl as much as you can because sooner or later she'll have more exciting things to do. :-)

Hi S.,
I have a couple suggestions for you. I am not sure of your original problem as I am new to Momsource, but here is my opinion. I am a mom of a now 6 year old girl. I was off work with her for the full 12 wks allowed by my job. I was told that up until the third month you can not spoil a baby, they do not know or understand what that is yet. They just need to know that you are there for them and you comfort them and you care for them. That is your job right!! what mom doesn't want to do that. Well, I did. And she didn't get spoiled. I did. I hated to put her down. But I didn't want her to get into that habbit. So I had to control my self. At bed time, we established a routine. You do the same thing everynight at bed time. Read a book, feed her, her last bottle of the night, change her etc. Then you lay her down to bed while she is still awake. That way she will put herself to sleep. if she crys, then you wait for 5 mins, go in there, comfort her, lay her back down. If she crys again, you wait for 10 mins this time, go in comfort her. If she crys again you wait 15 mins, etc. I had to do this with my girl and it works. Its hard to listen to them cry i know, but in a weeks time it should be broken. she should be on a routine and able to put herself to sleep.

My other advice is, a girl i work with. Her grandson has acid reflux. So everytime they would lay him down he was in pain. He always was better when he was sitting up. They thought it was colic as well. I think many babys are being treated as just colic but there is some sort of other problem. So perhaps that wouldn't be a bad thing to check out on your next Dr's Visit. Hope all yoru advice you get helps. Please email me if you have any other questions about my stories.
Thanks.
A.

I haven't read all the responses but I will say that you do not have to worry about "spoiling" her or teaching bad habits at her young age. She is only asking for what she needs and should get everything she needs for the first few months at the very least. If she is a baby who needs to be held a lot then I recommend getting a baby sling and carrying her as much as you can during the day. Some babies really need the closeness to develop their security/bonding. Believe me, secure babies are the ones who grow into secure, independent children. It's the babies who never feel secure who grow into children that continue to cling long after they should.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by it then you need to find some helpers. Enlist friends or family to give you at least one long break each week where you do something for yourself.

I'm glad the chiro is working out so well. I wish more people would give it a try. They are very successful with ear infections, allergies, colic, etc. My son's ear infections cleared right up after 3 chiro sessions (this was after we tried conventional treatment for 7 months with zero success).

I gave my baby a soft Gymboree cow blanket to touch and feel while whe nursed. This is a bad habit too but kids tend to have something whether it's a paci, sucking thumb, or blankie. She's 3 and still needs it for nap and bedtime. I'm okay with this and prefer it over the other habits. Just an idea. I guess 3-5 weeks is still little to let her cry out. At about 8 months is when I started putting toys in my daughter's crib to comfort herself along with the blanket thing. Mine eats for comfort at 11 months and I say who cares. Enjoy this time with her. You can gradually break her from it around a year. If you need to break her of it now then just gradually break her suction so she's only on there 15 minutes to 10 minutes to 5 minutes. I think mine stayed on for 15 mintues until she was 6-7 months. She became so aware and curious about her surriounds she didn't stay latched. She's on for a few minutes at 11 months. At bed time she will suck and stop then resume. I let it go on for 5 mintues then switch sides and do that for 5 minutes then I lay her down. If she's real tired she won't cry much before falling asleep.

First off, you deserve a huge hug for doing your best in the first round of figuring out why baby was crying. Second off, having your baby treated by a chiropractor is one of the most effect and gentle ways to help them.

Many people have such strong opinions when it comes to kids and I have found what works for one can't possibly work for the other. Each child is so unique and special. The "cry it out method" really only works for a small percentage so now you can say you tried it and it didn't work and Thats OKAY!

Hugs again girl, your one amazing mother!

I am so glad to hear that you have found something that helps your baby sleep at night. Colic is a difficult thing, my nephew had it and it was very challenging for his parents. I don't think they ever tried chiropractic help, but it may have been helpful for them too.

Anyway... This is what I think. all this talk of bad habits seems odd to me. We are talking about infants, and babies. They are babies, not little adults. They have needs, and our job as the Mama is to make sure they are met. Little babies need their Mama's. They need to nurse and suck for comfort. You have your darlings whole life to help her to be independent of you, let her need you right now.

Every baby is different too... My first baby was like a little clock, eating every three hours 24 hours a day until he was about 9 months old. He liked to stretch out when he slept so he did better if I put him down. He also didn't sleep through the night until he was weaned. My second is much more random in his feedings and needs, wanting to be held to sleep. I held him almost all afternoon every day until he was about 3 months old.

I know a few Mom's who stopped breastfeeding because they were trying to schedule things too much, and their milk wasn't in the way it should be. It sounds like you are doing what is best for your baby and is best for you by letting her nurse right now. Your body needs the first few months to really establish the milk supply you will need as your baby grows. I also know a few mom's who stopped nursing at around 6 months because their milk supply dropped off... by nursing on demand now, you will help your body keep up with changes in your babies needs as she grows.

Also, once you hit 6 weeks (or slightly after) you will notice a huge difference in how your baby nurses. Things will level off some, and you can start to try to introduce a routine (not a schedule as someone else posted - a routine) to your day. Sometimes she is still going to want to nurse more frequently, and you should really try to let her. It's hard to judge how much babies are eating when they nurse, and how much more they will need as they grow. Sometimes my son still nurses then wants to nurse again in an hour... he is just far to busy to eat everything he needs in one sitting. I let him nurse when he wants. It is just easier for all of us that way.

I introduced a "lovey" to my son around 5 months. He uses it now in his crib, it helps him transition from my arms into his bed to sleep. He also uses it sometimes to settle himself at night when he wakes. It's a little blanket with a bear head. He also has a taggie that he likes. My older son sleeps with a blanket and two "snuggles". I say, these are not bad habits, but part of being a child. These items bring comfort, that is the point. You can not always be with your child (night time, babysitters, etc.) but by having a comfort item they can bring with, it makes facing these challenges easier for little children.

You have made an excellent choice to nurse your baby. Good for you. Keep doing what feels right for you and following your Mama instinct has served you well so far.. nurse when she needs it, call someone when you think things aren't right.

Best,
J.

S.~ yikes how sad for you and your tiny baby. Babies cry for a reason. As an early childhood specialist it concerns me a that nurse would give you this advise for such a young child. Good for you to be listening to your mom instincts and took her in. Babies cry (or communicate)for many reason. Hungry, tired uncomfortable and needing interaction Plain and simple they need a reponse. As a mom you are the one that gets to figure out what they need. Being responsive to your infant is the best thing you can do. This does not mean you need to hold your child but perhaps your child only needs to hear you, see you, be touched by you, needs something to suck on or needs to be repositioned. Sucking is a great self comfort mechanism. Depending on how you feel about pacifers they can be wonderful. Perhaps it hurt her to move her tiny fingers to her mouth so she could suck on them.
Yes babies need to learn to self comfort but more that that they need to know that they can trust you to make their world a secure place and in time they will learn to control their own world and have their needs met.
Best of everything
a mom who has been there

Aw, the poor little one! She just wants her momma! You know having an older child how fast they grow up. Babies have many MANY growth spurts during the first 6 months. You WANT them to eat often as that keeps your milk supply up. Your baby was all snug inside of you for 9 months..she got to know you from the inside out. She is used to hearing your heartbeat, tummy gurgle, you talking....that is comforting to her. Crying is your baby's way of communicating with you. If you let her CIO that young, it is almost like you are ignoring her while she is trying to "talk" to you.

I literally held my dd for the first 6 months of her life. She slept on my chest for naps and right next to me at night. THAT was comforting to her. Knowing that she was safe and protected. She is now almost 5 and is the most independent child I know. All of her teachers comment on that. I believe that CIO shouldn't be done until the child is over 1 year old and it should be a last resort. We did CIO with my ds after he was 1 year old. WE had to teach him that he needed to comfort himself, but knew that mom and dad weren't far away. My dh was not happy about it at all b/c we never had to do it with our dd, but after 2 days, he learned to comfort himself and slept through the night for the first time ever!!! He was BF until 16 months.

A child cannot learn bad habits at 5 weeks old...NO WAY. I would love on that baby girl as often as I could. Soon, she won't want to snuggle and be rocked and loved on....I would hold her as much as I possibly could