There is a child who was in my son's kindergarten last year who is VERY touchy-feely with everyone. Every time he encounters someone he knows even slightly, he is constantly pawing them, trying to give them hugs and kisses. He is not in my son's class this year (thank goodness), but any time I'm even within arm's reach of him, I feel him caressing me. Maybe his behavior wouldn't bother me so much if I actually liked this child and felt the affectionate touch was warranted, but we've had other issues with him. As it stands, he gives me the creeps, and I can't stand it when he touches me.
I've seen him do this with teachers, after school care providers, and other students as well. I had to intervene during one of his interactions with my 3-y.o. daughter. He had taken her down the slide on his lap, and then he laid down on the slide when they reached the bottom and was bouncing her up and down on his lap. They were both laughing, but it looked off to me.
Prior to the incident with my daughter, I chalked it up to just him being kind of immature, sensory seeking, in need of attention. But a random comment from another parent made me wonder if this behavior is a red flag for anything? Should I mention this child's behavior to a school counselor? I wouldn't be comfortable addressing it with his parents. They are weird, and their kid is weird. My son and he are not friends. I did make an off-hand comment to one of his teachers last year, and she sort of just brushed it off as, "Oh, he's so affectionate." It seems more than that to me, but maybe my dislike for this kid is coloring my perspective and making this a bigger deal than it is. On the other hand, I don't want my dislike for him to make me turn a blind eye and not report a problem if there really is one.
What would you do?
Thanks!
It is precisely because I am not sure if this is a sign of a potential problem that I posed this question to this forum. I wasn't going to "report" this behavior. I was just wondering if it warranted mentioning to someone who would know better than I if this was a red flag indicating a larger issue. My personal feelings about this kid aside, this is NOT typical behavior. Am I not part of the "village" that is supposed to be helping to raise this child? Would your answer be the same if I noticed this boy had several bruises on his body? Would you tell me, "His teacher must see it. They are probably addressing it. How does this affect you?"
And for the record, I don't dislike this child because he is touchy feely - although that certainly doesn't endear him to me. As I said, we've had other issues with him, including the fact that he does things to deliberately antagonize other children and doesn't take direction from adults. I have asked him several times to respect other people's personal space, keep his hands to himself, only give waves instead of hugs. He actively argued with me when I told him to let go of my daughter that time on the slide. Both he and his parents just seem a little tone deaf to social norms. For example, his father once told my son that all left-handed people are evil. My son is left-handed. That sort of thing. Our families will never be close, but that doesn't mean that I want to stand idly by if I see something that might call for intervention. I just was wondering if this really did.
Thanks to all who responded.
My son had a girl like this in his class O. year.
She held my hand for an entire field trip.
Very needy.
I inquired to the teacher. Poor kid had lost both parents in a car accident.
Maybe I'm missing something, but how is this kid affecting you now?
Report what?
Did you ever think that he may be on the autistic spectrum? My little cousin has aspergers and is exactly as you describe. When I had my daughter I had to watch how he was with her because he would always want to hold her and hug her. It was bad enough her first Christmas we had to cut the visit short.
This is something normal for them. It's not weird, its not sexual, its the only way they can function. It freaks people out like you and therefore causes more tension because of what you are thinking. Maybe the parents are "weird" because they don't like the added attention or don't know how to confront people like you. The teacher more than likely blow it off because they know and try to make the rest of the class comfortable by acting like its a normal thing.
So instead of reporting something that you do not understand, strike up a conversation with the parents to find out, or just let it go.
I suggest that you do not need to address this issue with anyone. Teachers see the same things you see. They already know what you know.
If this boy were friends with your son and you experienced incidents not seen by others and/or were directly impacted by his behaviour it might be good to talk with the counselor to ask about how you could deal with it. Since you are not directly involved trust that the school is already aware and dealing with it.
At this point, it really isn't your business to report anything.... this boy is 6 years old. The teachers see his behavior already.
You mention that his parents are weird, also..... are they from another country? Other cultures are much more "touchy" than we are.... people in the US tend to have a "phobia" about being touched.
Or, as you mentioned, it may be a sensory issue... his parents may be the same way. Many people on the autism spectrum don't recognize personal boundaries, or understand body language when people around them are uncomfortable with being touched.
I work with special needs kids, and when we get kids that are too "touchy", we usually just say something like "Remember your bubble" (referring to the invisible bubble or boundary surrounding people). When he does this to you, just say "No hugs, please, " and move away slightly. We encourage "high fives" or "knuckles" as an acceptable way of greeting or praise.
I really doubt there is anything "sexual" in all of this, as it seems you may be implying.
You think a 5 yr old kid is going around touching everyone in a sexual manner (pawing/kissing/hugging)?
You know the motto of the Order of the Garter?
"Shame be to him who thinks evil of it."
It's not a red flag for anything.
I've met kids in my son's school(s)/activities who were huggers.
One of his friends has a younger sister who would come up and give me a hug when ever I saw her until she was in the 4th grade.
Guess I look particularly hug-able because I've been hugged by plenty of kids(boys and girls) I barely know and even by my sons elementary school principal and it doesn't bother me at all.
It takes some kids awhile to develop a sense of personal space and this varies quite a bit culturally.
If it bothers you, then when he touches you remind him that you don't like being touched by non family members.
You don't have to be nasty about it but telling people your preference nicely will help them remember not to do it again next time.
Your question strikes fear in my heart. I have an almost three year old who touches and caresses near strangers. He has gone to sit in other parents' laps in the playground, he hugs everybody, he likes to stroke hands and arms. I have been told he may have sensory processing disorder, and he does receive one session of OT a week through EI. I do everything I can to discourage this behavior because he does need to learn about personal space and boundaries, and also because I am afraid that some day someone is going to perceive him negatively, the way you perceive this boy, and jump to terrible conclusions about him.
Marda is right. Leave it alone for now.
Doesn't mean I don't believe your mom radar. You stay attuned to it but let those with authority address it. His teachers see it but will not speak to you about it, as you would want them to do with your child.
ADD: Based on the new info, I would talk to the school counselor. Ask her about strategies to help him or talk to him. He may be desparate for a safe place or affection or something, which is sad. A comment like "left handed people are evil" isn't socially clueless, it is weird, besides being wrong and mean.
Based on his parent's behavior, try to put yourself in his shoes a bit - if he is only 5 or 6, he's in a bad place and needs understanding. If the counselor can help with this, getting a different reaction from adults, instead of being creeped out might be helpful. Kids aren't stupid, so if his parents aren't teaching him the why's, perhaps others can help - not in a lecturing way, but in a caring way. Don't just tell him what to do, give him the why - and ask how he would feel if (my son really gets things when we give him full picture + "how would you feel/how do you think they feel" back-up instructions).
ORIGINAL: WHY do you think his parents are wierd? What are the other issues not mentioned here?
What you are describing doesn't send up red flags for me (and I have personal experience that makes me more sensitive to red flag issues). Nothing you describe is sexual at all. Boundary clueless, yes, but not sexual.
My first thought was autism spectrum because of not respecting boundaries and sensory seeking. If he and his parents are all on the spectrum, which is possible as it has a genetic component, they would seem "weird" to others because their speech pattern, body language, eye contact, and other things are not typical. Put that together with boundary issues (social challenges) and sensory seeking and it's a big social mess for him.
Your mama gut may be feeling that weirdness, but if you have other info that might give a clearer picture, just "ADD" that to your question at the end :)
It could easily be a sensory issue of some kind. I have a niece who has FAS and she does not posses the filters that most people do regarding personal space and affection.
I was amazed at how willingly and often she gave hugs and even kisses the very first time we met her. Then it was explained that she has "boundary" issues, because she just doesn't possess them like you and I do.
I would imagine there are other scenarios where it could be related to a diagnosis of some sort. Autistic folks typically do not inherently grasp personal space the same way as non-autistic folks, for example. They learn it more as rules to follow rather than picking up cues from those around them as to what is appropriate. Their "filter" doesn't work the same way.
OR, it could be that there is something amiss with the child at home.
There is no way for you to know by looking from the outside.
My GD is on the autism spectrum and she also has issues like this - doesn't respect personal space; gets in people's faces and speaks very loudly; touches people but doesn't like them to touch her. So, this kid may be on the spectrum. I would suggest you deal with him with empathy.
I don't know. I've read all these responses saying that it's either none of your business, or perhaps a disorder or a child being needy for attention. I've known 2 kids like this one (one when I was a child and one as an adult) and both times, there was an adult being "overly affectionate" with them. If your momma radar is going off, you should keep your kids away from him (as you said they aren't friends, no problem there) and I WOULD mention it the school counselor. They are trained and know how to be discreet. You're just voicing your concern to a professional who would know what to do, if anything. After that, I would just move on from it. No way should you talk with the parents! You don't know them that well and you are not friends with them. If there is something wrong in the family, there could be retribution on the boy for his behavior.
Just consider this: How will you feel if in the future you learn that boy did something very bad and it was a result of bad things happening to him? Everyone saw the possible signs, yet no one felt the need to say something.
Hi, TT:
How old is this child?
Yes, if it were me, I would consider his behavior a red flag.
What to do about it, that's the issue.
Yes, address it with the school counselor.
The question she needs to ask him: "What do you think about when you are trying to hug (a child's name)?
Good luck.
D.
I think you should do what feels right to you. Mention it to the school counselor being clear on what you are seeing and why it concerns you. Then let it go. I am sure the teacher is well aware of the child's behavior and both the teacher and the counselor may be aware of what is causing the child to behave in this manner. But it doesn't hurt to mention it because you are concerned. And I believe you are mentioning it to the right people - the teacher and the school counselor.
If you do not say anything I assume this will continue to nag at you with the what ifs.
If your gut is telling you something is off then I think you should react. If it is investigated and nothing comes of it, what was the harm? If they find something, then you will have helped this little boy tremendously! That's worth a 5 minute phone call. I have to wonder if the touchy feely isn't someone being "touchy feely" with him and that creeps me out. That said, his family could just be overly affectionate. Personally, I think something is going on. Either he is being abused, neglected (and thus, desperate for attention), he has a disorder of some sort or is mimicking the behavior of someone who has a disorder (learned behavior). My stepson is severely ADHD and ODD. When he was younger, he was overly sensitive - cried if you looked at him wrong - and had major issues with personal space. It took YEARS of guidance from many professionals and constant reminders of "personal space" to get him to a point that he isn't all over people. When he eats too much sugar or gets overly excited, he still has a tendency to get loud and in your face. Again, given your description, I think something is up and I would make an anonymous call to the school counselor and perhaps CPS.
It sounds to me like he has a lack of understanding of social boundaries. This could be due to any number of reasons. Perhaps you should talk to the school counselor to gain clarification on the situation. For all you know, this child already has a diagnosis that is being addressed.
how old is he? The answer to that could change everything...A very young child is different from a 12 year old when it comes to this.
I knew some boys in 2nd grade that wanted to hold hands with an adult...not a big deal...
Sure, mention it to a school counselor, and let them take it from there, if it's warranted.
