Peeing in Panties

try not to make this a big issue, try not to be angry Treat her like you are potty training her from the beginning. Take her to the bathroom every 40-45 minutes or whatever and keep her there till she goes. Bring some books in there she can sit on the potty and look at books.
Does she have the same problem at school?? if not let her wear panties at school and pull ups or diapers at home. Dont be angry Dont make it a big issue a win/lose whose in control issue. Just put her in the diaper as soon as she comes home.

wow, do you make her scrub the floors too? Maybe I am just in a bad mood today, but this just seems outrageous to me. Maybe, you should start by keeping her on a schedule. Yes she has been potty-trained since 2 years old, but obviously her body is not fully ready (otherwise she would be night-trained). I'm guessing that when she was younger you took more time to make her go. Now that is a a mature 3, it sounds like she has to fend for herself.

Buy pull up and she is 3y/o it is not uncommon. Please be realistic. Toddlers may seem to be trained but they go right back to peeing in their underpants. Just put her in pull ups. That is nothing to get bend out of shape about. I have 3 toddlers and some days they pee in potty and some days they do not but they all are in pull ups. Yep they are expensive but it is only for a moment then they will be grown and out of the house before you know it.

I'm the weirdo that agrees with CJ.

My grandson, going on 5, hasn't had an actual accident for awhile now, but he gets awfully close. He's so into his current activity that he just can't tear himself away until he's about to burst. This is completely normal. Sometimes we "help" him by reminding him he hasn't gone to the potty for a long time now, or noticing out loud that he's doing his potty dance. When he was younger, we reminded him more often, and made a game of going potty so that he'd be able to leave his play.

And a reluctance to go because it's a simply a bother is also completely normal, especially if the child is actually "trained" on the parents' schedule, and not because this was a natural developmental advance for the child (kids who are fully ready, physically and emotionally, generally train themselves as eagerly as they learn to walk). This isn't actually the same thing as laziness, though.

And I'm sure you know that it's a mistake to start thinking of our kids in terms of labels, because they tend to start living up (or down) to those labels. Even a glowing summary ("My child is so responsible!") can become a diffcult burden to a child. My husband grew up with that assessment from parents and teachers, and it makes it terribly hard for him to deal with any thought or impulse he may have that doesn't seem "responsible" enough.

I see from your profile that you have a somewhat older child with ADD, and wonder whether this tints your interactions with your 3yo, perhaps because you are tired and frustrated and thus excessively demanding, or perhaps because she behaves so much better than her sibling that you perhaps expect too much of her. If these, or other dynamics are her usual experience, then she quite naturally will counter them with whatever behaviors she has available to her.

This is not an accusation, this is a suggestion that you look for some dynamic YOU might be able to change, K.. Your daughter doesn't have the life experience to have a very big range of solutions to her own frustrations or needs. And every behavior can be seen as a strategy to get some need met. Kids count on grownups to help them learn better ways to deal with their emotions and their legitimate needs.

There's a wonderful parenting workshop condensed into a book that many young families I know have found to be valuable: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. This book teaches parents how to really understand their kids' motives, as they perceive them. This is wonderful information, because then you can craft solutions that fit the child's actual needs. And the real stroke of brilliance in this book is that it teaches us how our children can help find the solutions to their own problems. We started using this approach with my grandson when he was 2.5, and it has eliminated so many problems before they had a chance to become habitual.

Hi K.,

I work with youngsters and understand firsthand how confusing/frustrating it can be for us adults when our kids--who were doing great--start wetting their pants again.

I personally had to make a decision that this was their challenge to overcome, not mine. To this end, I send the child into the bathroom (not asking either, I TELL them to go) every hour or so and then, when there are accidents, I send them into the bathroom to change their clothes themselves. It will help if you put her back in training pants ("I see you are having accidents a lot right now, so we are going to wear these until you have no accidents for a week"-- she's three, and this will not feel like a social penalization as it would for an older child) to contain leaks.

A couple questions: has anything in your daughter's life changed? Family troubles, daycare, preschool, new baby, new caregivers? If you think the peeing is deliberate, it might be good to find out what she's upset about.

Overall, though, let her deal with the consequences of the wetting on her own and I know it's hard, but try not to get excited about it. If it were me, I'd apologize to your daughter for being mad, tell her "I changed my mind, and we'll use training pants instead of diapers until you are making it to the toilet on time all the time" and allow her to go to school. (Hey, there, you are just punishing yourself!) I'd also have her help with the laundry she's generating. Have her help you load it into the washer, transfer to the dryer, and help deliver/put it away. Have her help you recover pillows, remake the beds, etc. If she has to miss playtime because "oh, we need to go in a minute to move the laundry", it will either get her the attention she is wanting from you (if this is the case) or it will become the consequence you hope it will be. (If she is relishing the attention, then you are onto something and then, check out the book mentioned below. ) The more emotional attention you give it, the more she gets, and the more motivation to keep wetting, because mama's hooked in!

The book "Taking Charge" by Joanne Nordling might also help, because it deals specifically with attention-getting behaviors. Several preschool teachers (including myself) love this book and recommend it to our 'families'.

Not alot of advice here...just some thoughts. I think she is old enough and has been trained long enough to "get it". On the other hand, I did have one that didn't even train til she was 3 1/2. WAY back then, my girls are 32, 29 and 27, we didn't even start training until they were truely dry at night FIRST. Now, it sounds like you need to follow through on the diaper thing. Maybe it was just what she needed to let her know that you know she might be playing you? You might make it seem like it is no big deal to YOU. If she would like to continue wearing diapers and not go to school...OK, her choice. BUT if she isn't consistently dry at night, maybe she really can't hold it yet.

Wow, CJ, that was pretty harsh. It's not unreasonable to have the child clean up their own messes.

I will admit, I also get frustrated with messes, although I try not to yell at my daughter. She does manage to make it to the bathroom and her accidents are usually right in front of the potty, she starts to go right as her pants come down, but before she can get on the seat. I would keep doing what you're doing, except remind her more often to potty. My daughter has been getting mad at us lately, for making her go before her nap and before bed, because she prefers to use it as an excuse to get out of bed after 15 minutes.

Has she had a change in her life? Some children will revert, or pee in anger if her life has changed. A move, a new baby, starting a new daycare, that kind of thing.

We went through something similar with my daughter (although not quite as severe). She would pee just a little in her pants at bedtime (right after going to bed) as a reason to get up AGAIN. So I calmly explained that we would have to switch back to pull-ups at bedtime until she could practice some more and then when she kept those dry, we could go back to underpants. She IMMEDIATELY stopped... I suggest going back to your daughter and having a calm conversation with her. Apologize for overreacting earlier (when you got angry and used the diapers/no school as a consequence) but explain that you're just very frustrated because you KNOW that she can do it. Just explain calmly that you're bummed but you'll have to switch her back to diapers until she can start using the toilet all the time. Let her know that you understand that sometimes we have accidents but that we need to practice together to get her to go in the potty all the time. It sounds like a control thing with her and I've read some information that treating it calmly is the best approach. Good luck :( I know this can't be fun...

No- I think you did do the right thing. You daughter is not potty trained anymore. I would start back with the diapers. For school, put on a pullup. You cannot be cleaning up her pee just because she is too lazy to go. Hopefully this will teach her a lesson. And keep the diapers on for at least a week.

My 7 y.o. (now in 2nd grade) did this for the majority of her kindergarten and 1st grade year. It was VERY frustrating. We had her checked for infection, and had the dr talk to her about it just like you did. We told her how it's unhealthy and how she doesn't want to smell. My daughter was being LAZY! She would sit there and go and then I'd smell it and ask her and she'd get up and change herself. She didn't have an excuse and never had an explanation. I finally got so angry I told her she couldn't watch t.v. and she couldn't play with her friends until she stopped. She didn't do it after that but I waited a week (through a weekend) before I let her play with her friends. Obviously she was old enough to have friends she wanted to spend time with, whereas your 3 y.o. probably doesn't have that yet. As for another story...Our son was 3 1/2 and would hide and poop in his pants and after trying everything in the book and every imaginable thing possible, we finally got fed up and told him he couldn't visit grandpa until he went poop on the potty (grandpa is his best bud and favorite person in the whole world. He spends 2 days a week w/ him). Not more than a week went by and he went poop on the potty and has been going ever since (it's been about 6 months now). So I guess the thing that worked for my kids was seeing their friends.

Going back to diapers is the worst thing you could do. Firstly is psychologically shaming, and shaming a child only creates more problems. Secondly it isn't going to fix things, but rather allow her to continue to be lazy about going to the bathroom, plus now you'll have the extra expense of diapers, and have to do potty training all over again.

It sounds like you had a great idea on making her change herself. You should keep all her dirty clothes in a pile and make HER do the wash. Obviously you'll have to help some, but she should have to do all the clean up. Make it laborious, something that her lazy inclination might rebel against. The point is that it needs to no longer be tempting to be lazy about the potty.

I'd do more training, and get rid of diapers at night. This is confusing to kids. Prepare for accidents, use them as learning experiences, and get her out of diapers period. She's plenty old enough and certainly capable. I'd suggest 3daypottytraining.com as a great source for the BEST potty training method out there.

Lastly keep close guard on your actions and behavior. She's obviously liking the attention she's getting (granted its negative) by peeing in her pants. She is using this peeing thing as a way to manipulate the family, and her relationship with you. Keep your cool. Be matter of fact. Peeing happens in the potty. I'll help you learn to recognize when you have to go, but if you have an accident you have to clean it all up and practice some more. Lots of times kids have potty issues when they're dealing with stress in their lives (my 2 year old regressed several times, we moved twice in one summer and a new baby came to the house, each time we had to deal with potty regression for a few days/weeks - and she was completely potty trained for both day and night before). Sending a 3 year old to school is too early. You can't expect her not to have some type of reaction to this. I'm sure there are aspects of this she enjoys, but kids that age should be playing and spending time with their parents, not teachers. Be sure you're getting plenty of quality time with her, she might be needing that and using the potty issues to get it. She might want to still be your baby...

Best wishes. I know potty training can be tough!!! But hang in there and don't go backwards.

I went thru stuff like this with my oldest daughter who is now a doctor. She often outsmarted me but she loved a battle too. The more you get into it, the longer it will go on. I'd have a sweet, supportive talk with her after thinking hard about if anything could be going on that's upsetting her right now. I'd put her in charge as you've tried to do and get off the battlefield as much as you can. Keep spare clothes on hand wherever you are because this may take awhile. Tell her you're confident that when she's ready to be dry, she can do it. She may be needing to regress for a bit before moving onto a higher developmental level like preschool or other things that require more separation from you. She needs to be reassured of your unconditional love right now no matter what she does. Your anger is very understandable and you can talk to her about it but you need to keep saying how loved she is and that, if she needs to be more babyish for awhile, you love her just the same. This is very normal, tho maddening. The more you get all emotionally involved, the harder and longer this time will be. She laughs out of nervousness and wanting to be sure her security with you is still intact. She is still very immature and not sure she wants to move on yet. She just needs some time. Relax as much as you can and accept this stage. It's just a stage.