Personality Change in My Mom

I hear your confusion and heartache, and hope you will find your way to a solution. As an older woman, I have experienced that our ability to handle stress does tend to decline with age, sometimes precipitously, and that overwhelming stress can have a major impact on outlook and mood. Add in the hormonal changes that come with perimenopause (which can occur over 10-15 years in some women), and the complications of adding more people with their own issues to your household, and I'm guessing your mother might often feel at the end of her emotional rope.

Of course, there's also the possibility that your mom's mental state is something more than all this, and could include some age-related deterioration or mental illness of her own.

In either case, communication is critical to help all of you assess how to address current problems, and where to go next.

I hope you'll check out a practical and effective communication technique called Non-Violent Communication. You can learn a strategy that will help you talk to your mom compassionately and respectfully, so that you don't add to her stress. You can help her identify and understand her own needs, some of which are apparently going unmet. You can learn how to make clear and unbiased observations that will support, rather than undermine, further communication. And you can state your needs gently and clearly, so that the other person can hear them without feeling attacked or overwhelmed.

Non-Violent Communication is a win-win process, and can be effective even when used by only one person in a relationship. If this interests you, you can google the term for books, classes, summaries and examples. My best to you all.

How difficult this must be for you. You watch your sister struggle (even though she's always been the favorite, it's still difficult to see your mom treat her badly) and other family members in turmoil. Still, let's look at this from your mother's perspective. Is this the way it would sound?

"I'm over 50, have a high stress job and yet always still try my best to be everything to everybody. And what does it get me? My husband is still a jerk -- I know, there are things he can't help; he's depressed & ADD & other stuff. And I've been really patient with that for years. But how long is enough?

And then there's my daughter. She's made some bad choices & is now back here with us. Like I didn't have enough on my plate. OK, I know, I said she could come back & I felt really bad for her. But I didn't know what it would be like to have another needy person here and TOTALLY didn't understand how difficult it would be to watch her with her son and keep my mouth shut. I love that kid (and his mom) but they're driving me nuts. And everyone tells me I should be the one to see a therapist. Don't they get that what I really ned is a break? And maybe a little help around here? Everyone wants ME to help THEM but when is it my turn?

I'd love to come home to a clean house & dinner in the oven. I'd fall over if either my husband or my grown daughter put my needs ahead of theirs for just a day. Instead, I have to take care of everyone else. And nothing gets done unless either I do it or nag until someone else does. How much is enough? And when will people realize that I just don't have it in me any more?

Really. When is it my turn?"

Add in the very real issues of menopause and work stress and potential other valid medical issues. Is there a chance that really what your mom needs is recognition for all she has to deal with, some sympathy and a cup of tea? Does she have any close friends you could talk to? Maybe someone who could provide an out-of-the-family perspective? Have they seen changes also? Perhaps it's something else or perhaps she's just at the end of her co-dependent rope? Good for you for wanting to help your family. You're a good daughter & a good sister. Might want to think about this from your mom's perspective in addition to your sister's.

I did call my mom'sdr. He called me back, i expressed concern over her lack of care of her diabetes, she eats all her meals fast food etc etc etc. I wish i had taken more specific notes and had been more articulate, I chose the phone though because i didn't want him to be able to show mom a letter, i don't know if he would have, and i don't know if he has ever shared with her that i called. I don't know that he hasn't though either i doubt mom would say. Honestly, i had been hoping and hoping that this would change her desire to take care of herself and it hasn't. Dr changed some meds, tried to get her to talk to a phychaitrist, but it hasn't really helped. My mom knows clearly how i feel, that i want her to enjoy her life and she can't right now because she is so sick, but she still refuses. I wish i had better news for you.
I do think it might be a medical issue with your mom but i don't know how to get her to a dr. another issue might just be the stress of your sister, is there anyway sis could just suck it up and deal with her own issues on her own, with out money from mom and with out living iwth mom (did i read that)?? big hugs, i hope this situation resolves itself positively.

Hi! Sorry for you and your family - including Mom. My mother started going through similar changes in personality a couple of years after my father's passing away - when she was around age 54. My father was her first and only love, so we chalked it up to depression, rage, and general frustration with the situation (father succumbed to cancer). Also we are all busy (we are 2 daughters as well) processing our own grief to really get clued on to what was going on. As it turned out, my mother was finally diagnosed with meningioma, and the tumour in her brain was massive. We realise now that a large part of her shift in personality, rage and irrationality had to do with the tumour in her brain. I would wonder if, in your case, your mother is suffering from some underlying health issue that has cropped up in the past few years. Oftentimes when we are sick inside, we react with anger and frustration...and irrationality. Please have her checked out. Sorry about the situation you are in.

She has a high maintenance job, a high maintenance husband, and now a high maintenance daughter (and her child(ren)) living with her and is menopausal. Given those same circumstances, I'd lash out at people, too. Just from your description (and I realize there's probably more that you couldn't fit in), it sounds like your Mom has got a lot on her plate and there seem to be a lot of adults who are relying on her to fix, organize and mother them all the time. What she needs is a 2 month vacation in the Bahamas away from everybody so she can relax and let everyone manage their own lives. When she gets back, everyone can keep managing their own lives and she won't be lashing out anymore. She might genuinely want to help everyone but doesn't realize how thin she has spread herself out. Maybe your sister can move in with you, and Mom can handle her job and husband and no one else.

I have called my parents Dr.s on several occasions. They will take your advice and concerns. Now to get parents to go to the Dr. is another ballgame.

If by chance one of you can go with her and go in the examining room that would be helpful. Because once your in the room you can talk directly to the Dr.

Can your sister find out what medication your mom is on if any. She may need something for the menopause. She sounds like a worn out mother that has had it with caring for others. Maybe taking mom out to lunch or a dinner and talk to her .......maybe find out what is going on.

Good Luck!

No, you can't just call the doctor's office and speak with them about your Mother unless you're listed on the HIPPA compliance form. Yes, you can call, say who you are, explain the situation, but they can't talk to you about her unless she's explicitly added you to the HIPPA waiver.

That being said, I think there could be a few things going on - all medical that would warrant getting her to the doctor.

Menopause and hormones can wreak havoc on people. But, so can things like tumors that press upon parts of the brain and dramatically alter personality. There are so many medical reasons why she would be acting like this including an imbalance of brain hormones usually involved in Depression. But, there's no way to tell without her getting to the doctor.

I wish I had more advice, but I honestly believe the BEST thing is to get her to the doctor if you can figure out a way to do it.
GOOD LUCK!

Girl I-FEEL-YOU!!! My mom is 54 now and went through menopause early. She was a complete pshyco! and had 2 personalities. I swear she would be talking to you normal and then walk to the sink look back and the devil came out of her screaming/cussing about how she told my sister to clean the f'in dishes hours ago and yadda yadda yadda...we used to call my dad at every outburst. She eventually got on meds and that evened her mood. It tough, very tough. I would try to gauge her mood and invite her out somewhere public, maybe lunch or coffee/dessert and talk candidly with her about how you feel. Do not mention your sisters issues, she's going to feel attacked and ganged up on. Or maybe your sister should try this maybe with you there as support, but try not to interject. The other thing you can do is call her doctor and let them know what you think is going on and they can talk to her about it when she has her next appt. I did this once also. Good luck.