Please Don't Ever Do this...(Edited)

Yes, it happened to my dad, he had Leukemia. Most of his friends and even several of his own siblings and mother ignored him, didn't even visit them in the hospital while he was dying simply b/c they didn't "know what to say". Yet they ALL showed up at the funeral. Made me want to slap them all and I really don't even consider them family anymore.

Really, have hubby tell them, "You can talk to her and still act normal around her, she's right here. She doesn't want the weird treatment or sympathy, she just wants her normal friendships". Sometimes, you need to have an advocate stand up for you, because people just don't listen to the 'sick'. Those you are close to, just tell them up front.

Unfortunately, this happens to widows too. Totally left alone b/c people just don't know how to be around them, so they don't even try.

I think they don't know what to say.

I don't really know what to say, either, but I hope everything goes well for you.

when i was 19, i was diagnosed with cancer. i had been abused and worked my butt off to get to college on scholarships and had only enough money to attend. I was across the country and i called my friends from back home. one said "I can't deal with your drama and depression. I am in college and having the time of my life. I can't be there for you."
I was heartbroken.
Years later she called me because she was bored. I told her off and really let her know how hurt I was. The friendship was lost.
Looking back, I wish I had told her at the time what a turd she was and given her a chance to step up.
I am sorry you are going through this.

Thanks for putting this up.

Yes, I am guilty of being a douchebag now and again. I hear what you're saying. It's not helpful to be treated like a fragile egg. Which I have done. People don't want to be treated with pity, but with compassion and authenticity, right?

Try not to take it personally. The old cliche, "it's not you, it's me", is true. Folks feel uncomfortable. That's not your doing. It's a cultural thing/individual thing that surrounds fear, and illness, and change.

Regardless of the reason, I can understand why it would feel patronizing, isolating, and hurtful.

What would be helpful? I'm not quite sure, but with close friends a quick, "Please treat me normally. I am not a broken jar to be tiptoed around! I'm still Jennifer, and I'm scared and want my buddies around," might help.

I have big prayers going to you and yours. Wishing you strength and solace.

I feel your pain. I went through something similar this year. After years of telling doctors there was something wrong with my lungs, an incompetent urologist did a CT scan I didn't need on my kidneys. That showed a mass in my lung. I lost half my lung and was stuck home for 2 months recovering. I think only 3 people came to see me.
I just started classes to be a hospice volunteer. One reason is that I can be there for someone when there may not be anyone else.
I hope you get well soon!
Victoria

Jennifer, people who care about you are effected by the possibility of someone they care about having a serious illness. They are effected by your pain, your mortality. They are coping. They may have a different manner of coping then you. They are unsure HOW to communicate with you, they do not want to upset you by saying the wrong thing, behaving in the wrong manner.

As if you don't have ENOUGH pressure at the moment, it would help EVERYONE who loves you, and help YOU too, if you discussed with them how you feel at this moment, um, not medically, I mean what you said here. You will have to guide them is what I mean. When you see/hear/feel evidence of their struggling with what to say, how to behave, you'll have to just TELL them.

I know you are nervous, and a little angry, but don't shut out the people who love you because they are afraid of hurting you further. Keep them all close. They will follow your lead.

I will be thinking about you this weekend, and sending you strength and the ability to cope.

:)

I think you need to post something like this on Facebook (or wherever that will reach many of your friends). Talk to them flat out about it. Tell them you NEED them and you feel like everyone is unsure of how to feel and it's leaving you feeling very alone when you really need people right now.

They are acting this way because you mean something to them and it's hard for them too. Definitely not as hard as for you! But it's a new type of situation for most of them most likely and it's throwing the reality of life in their face. That is a scary thing to deal with. But they also need to know that you NEED them. They need to realize they are doing this. they probably don't even notice.

My little girl has a really rare, fatal disease. It hurts a lot when people act weird and aren't there when we need them. I have a sister that I have emailed in the past and have shared some of my feelings when I'm really struggling and really need someone to talk to. And almost every time, she doesn't respond. It is like a slap in the face. I *know* that it's because it's hard for her and she struggles to know what to say. But when there is no response at all, it is very hurtful. It feels lonely for sure. I've stopped emailing her these things because it hurts too much to feel ignored.

You'll find there are some amazing people out there, ready to have your back when you need it. I'd throw it out in the open and discuss it. Ask them where they all went and why no one is talking to you. I bet you'll get some responses...as well as some people waking up and realizing what they've done. I also think people just don't know how to react. They don't know if you want to talk about it or if you want them to not talk about it. They don't know what is safe or not. Communication would probably help tremendously!

I am SO SORRY for what you are going through. I've often wondered what it would be like to go through something like you are, and I pray I never know. It has to change your whole perception on everything. I hope they find out it's not cancer, or that if it is, that it's something they can treat. Hang in there!! Talk with your friends...you need them...and they need to know they aren't being there for you right now! Or maybe one of us on here can email them all for you! :-)

(((hugs)))

thats sooo horrible i could never ignore a friend or family member if they were sick like that. plain and simple

Maybe you can set the tone and act normal to them first. Then they'll relax some. That's what happened when my good friend was diagnosed with cancer. I didn't know what to say or how to act. I acted normal with her because I felt that was better than ignoring her completely. To my surprise (believe it or not) she was just the same person as always. She acted totally the same which put me at ease. I think once it sinks in, they'll come around. Hang in there and keep looking up!! Sometimes I think the sick one has to be strong for everyone else at first instead of the other way around. I truly wish you the best and I'm praying for you!!! Keep us posted! HUGS!!!!!

Thanks for the post, it's very enlightening. I think people get weird because they don't know what to say or do. Now, you've told us how you feel, but have you told your friends this? I'd think if they were your true friends, you could say "hey, just because I'm ill doesn't mean you need to start acting weird. I'm still the same person." or something to that effect. People that have never been sick don't know how to handle a loved on being sick, so they may need a friendly reminder on how to treat you.

It does happen. I honestly think that some folks feel like cancer is contagious or something. My best friend died of breast cancer and friends from work were very strange. When she was still in treatment people would ask me for information and they would actually whisper, even though she was not in the room. Some folks were quite rude and expected me to know details AND to gossip about them, but they were not the ones who really wanted to actually be there for my friend.

Why do people do this? Because they are scared of death. Plain and simple. But here is the thing. Life is mortal. I think the people who have dealt with many losses have had to learn this. We all die. Once you embrace that, including all of the sadness that comes with it, death doesn't seem all that powerful, just inevitable. And it also makes a person embrace every single moment that she is alive, including the hard ones, like being with a friend when she is facing a possible cancer diagnosis.

I am sorry you are dealing with this and I will hope that your tests are negative. If I were your friend right now I would show up with a great bottle of wine, your favorite music and we would just chill.

Aw, I'm sad for you and sending you a big supportive hug! Why do "friends" do this $hit?! It's not the first time I've heard about this! One of my best friends had ALL of her other friends bail on her when her son became medically fragile...life all of the sudden became lonely for her, when it was the last thing she needed. It amazes me how many people do this!? Another example, my friend Chrissy who survived non-hodgkins was VERY sick and people avoided her like the plague because they were so bumbed to see her suffer. She was so bumbed and would invite friends over for dinner, when everyone should have been inviting her over...I don't get it, I'm not like this!
Please post an update with your results, i'll have you in my prayers! xo

People don't know how to behave. I once had a very good book by a man that was a Christian financial leader/talk show host. I gave it away so his name isn't coming to mind. He had cancer for years and was in and out of remission and is gone now. I thought from what I skimmed that he was very practical in his advice. ... Larry Burkett was his name. Maybe his book is still around. I hope you don't need it. Lot's of cancer scares turn out to be something else entirely and most cancer today is treatable.

Right now you just need to concentrate on what you need. If you want them to act normal, TELL THEM TO.

I'm sorry you are going thru this. Not only do friends and family weird out about this but also when you divorce or go thru anything major. We even had a huge court hearing where my son was being falsly accused and even tho people knew he was innocent, they still were all weird with us. I think its "normal" that when people don't know WHAT to say, they just say nothing, which I agree...is so much worse...hugs to you!

I have not been with anyone who has been diagnosed ... I have been with people long after diagnosis and recovery so first hand I can not say. People think they have an obligation to act a certain way now or they will seem intrusive or unsympathetic or insensitive etc. I totally understand your wanting everyone to act normally. While I was pregnant all of my friends acted differently around me and eventually stopped talking to me aside from one ... they were still in one mode of their life while I was begining another and they did not know how to handle it. Yes, I confronted many of them after I saw a pattern and that was the common answer between them all. Not to compare apples and oranges - but I think the feelings of the friends may run on simmilar lines ... they just do not know what to do and I think you have to lead the way. I would have a party celebrating that you know what is going on with you medically - you have a plan of attack - and you are currently alive invite them all guilt trip them into coming if need be, I approve, and let them see with their own eyes you are still you, you just have a new/different journey ahead of you and you need them to be there with you.

That happend to us when my husband was diagnosed w/cancer - my friends dropped like flies but one who's son is my oldest daughters age was recently diagnosed gave me the biggest hug and apologized. She said it was because she didn't know what to say. I am sorry for what you are going through right now, I know it all too well. People are scared, they don't know how to react. Anytime you need someone, please personal msg me & I'm here for you - I'm not the one going through the actual physical end of it, it is my husband, but I have been going thru the emotional end of it for the past 3 yrs. I wish you nothing but the best of luck and I hope your friends are able to see that you are still the same person. As far as the shitty behavior, say something to them. My husband has bladder cancer and my one best friend has this one habit of complaining to me about how she only has sex 3 x's a week - w/my husbands......well, i'm lucky if we have it that often in a month so i've made a joke of it when she even brings it up. Telling her i'd divorce the SOB if he only put out 3 x's a week. Stay strong and know that people are just nervous about what is going on.

You go girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hell yeah, I love this post!!! I think that peopl are just scared or they really dont know what to say, they may not know what kind of emotional state you are in and dont want to upset you. That being said, if a friend of mine found out she had cancer or some other kind of illness, I would just ask her, hey are you okay, what's going on, do you want to talk, whats up? you know i would want to know how she wanted/needed to handle things and go from there. A friend of mine had a miscarraige about a year ago, she just plain didnt want to discuss it, period. I respected that, didnt tell her she needed to talk to get closure or anything, I did what was good for her. Maybe just rant to them. LOOK EVERYONE I'M STILL HERE, I'M THE SAME NOW AS I WAS BEFORE SO QUIT ACTING LIKE I'LL BREAK AND JUST BE COOL WITH ME LIKE BEFORE!! something like that!!!! And let us know how the tests go!

I hate this. Everyone just starts calling ALL the time....just to check in.

When I was really sick in March and April I finally just stopped answering my phone.

Tell them straight forward that you need normal right now. Business as usual until otherwise told. The worst part of illness is the not knowing at first. All the hanging question marks. The knowing something could be wrong....Those calls from people just wandering if you happened to forget to call them and let you know what you know.....

Their being annoying because they are concerned.

You will find once you know and everyone knows they will go back to semi-normal.

I finally had to stop telling people what was going on unless they were directly involved and helping with my kids or getting me to the hospital. If there was a major event, like when I had my surgery, then I would make the calls to my close family...mom, dad..in laws..best friend(s). I would rally to get people to cook meals and what not as well.

I just couldnt handle the constant on/off of people checking in. Thankfully after a few weeks of ignoring people, they started to back off, and I was given some space and slowly have started asking people to come over for lunch or dinner.

It was very overwhelming. It may seem like you are shutting people out by not updating them hourly. You need to be with your immediate family right now. Your kids, husband. Not answering phone calls...or friends awkward chatter. Tell them if they would like to come over and just hangout and not talk about what is going on...then they are more then welcome.

You just need normal. I wish you the best in what ever you find out. I have no idea what it is like to be in your shoes. When I was sick it was something self destructive. I had to over come myself....You are a brave and strong soul from the sounds of it.

I will keep you in my thoughts.

Hey I saw the movie at a preview a few weeks back. Not sure its as on point as you think it is. Yes it is a bromance. But I think you have to be a HUGE Seth Rogen fan to sit through the misogyny, swearing, and sex references. I do get what you are saying. I think back to my parents reaction to a close friend's cancer when I was in high school and just cringe. They seemed to RUN the other way when we had been used to getting together about every other to every third week with the person's family. I think it may be more common than we think for friends to be wierded out and not know what to do or say. I think what is going to help is to do what you are advising your friends to do yourself. It it is your usual to make plans for a Saturday evening and invite friends along then do that. If it is your usual to post funnies on facebook or make comments about random stuff and they respond then do that. Anytime someone is struck with bad news I have noticed that MANY people retreat from that person not knowing what to say. I would try to still enjoy what you find enjoyable and invite your friends along. Also, in the movie the character with cancer does get counseling to deal with his feelings (its pivotal to the story) so you may consider that as well especially if your friends are in shock mode

I would say, in answer to your questions "why?", that they probably are worried that they will say the "wrong" thing and upset you by their comments. It is an awkward thing, no doubt. It would be pure speculation on my part, but I would imagine it is in line with the many discussions that have been posted on this board (and others) before about miscarriage. Every person is different and some ladies don't want to discuss it with others, since it is very private. Some ladies just want people to acknowledge the child that was lost. Some ladies ______(fill in the blank). And so their friends are stuck trying to figure out the least hurtful and most helpful thing to do/say and HAVE NO CLUE. So they don't do/say anything. And end up leaving the hurting person out hanging in the breeze...

It's very difficult on both sides. No friend wants to be the one that does/says something to make things seem WORSE for you. It's selfish in their part (depending on how you look at it), but with good intentions... if that makes sense.

I agree with the poster earlier than me that suggested you post something like your post here on your FB. Let them know what you need from them... and I bet they will step right up.
God bless and here's hoping for good news with your test results!

have you watched the tv show "the big c" ? it is pretty good, you could suggest your friends to watch it

My friends and family all turned into douche bags after I miscarried.
I'm so sorry.
I think this is typical, but horrible behavior.
I would pray for the strength to be a great friend if I was ever in that situation.
I think you SHOULD grab them and tell them to STOP ACTING LIKE DB's!!!

Hugs and prayers!

I'm sure they just do not know how to act. Why don't you take the initative call them and say look stop acting weird around me I want you to treat me like you always did before. If you do not know what to do many will just not do nothing instead of doing something wrong. Have any asked what they can do for you then you know how to respond.

They are young and haven't learned how to behave around a really sick person. Stand behind your friend or sibling even if they choose a healing method you don't have any faith in. It is well known that people who are prayed for do better than those who don't.
For those who don't know what to do. Cook a meal. The healthiest you know how to. If there are no food restrictions and your friend has a favorite meal of yours bring that one.
Tell them a joke. Laughter is good medicine. Stop by for 15 minutes. Give a hug. If they are really sick go spend two hours at the house to give the regular caregiver some time elsewhere.
Take their kids to the playground. If the sick person is well enough take them along. It might be a great effort to drive but none to sit in the sun and talk.
You can't talk well around sick people. Call up and say you'll clean their kitchen or run a couple of washes and fold them. Believe me when you are having radiation you have no energy. I watched my husband have a nice morning and then fade after treatment. The wife who is caring for her husband needs lots of help. The woman of the house needs even more help.
Phone and listen. Not everyone dies of cancer. Many live for years after treatment. Encourage your friend. And, if you are able sit and pray with him/her.

So sorry your friends are acting this way toward you! Sometimes people just don't know how to act or react. It sucks, especially for the sick person who really needs to try to keep as many people close as they can, and who also may want to try to keep as many things in their life "routin" or normal as possible. You need support, not pity or to be abandoned. I believe that most of your true friends will find a way back to you in time, but are probably trying to work out the whole situation on their own first. It sounds strange and selfish, but I know that aometimes our friends think of themselves and are dealing with the whole" how will I be able to cope if such and such happens" thing instead of being there for the person who is ill. I had this happen to me when I was in the hospital and after when I was at home recovering. I have had 6 major strokes. Yes, 6 , and yes they were major strokes. I have also had several TIA's. I am very lucky to be alive. One of my best friends hardly even came to the hospital to visit me, and later I found out it was because she had a difficult time seeing me in that condition, and also she was really having a hard time dealing with the possibility of losing me. I am pretty much the only family that she has. She did come visit, just not quite as often as I had thought that she would, and once I was home, she didn't keep in touch with me like I would have thought she would. Then a couple years later, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer,and she went missing for a while. I ended up having surgery to remove my thyroid, and she was around for that, but I had the surgery at the hospital that she worked at. (desk work, not in the medical field) I can't get upset at her, I have not been in her shoes. I guess bieing faced with the real possibility of losing someone who meant the world to her was too much for her at first. She did get over it and come around, but it took her a little while. I am not making excuses for anyone, but I wanted to give you some insight into possible reasons why some of your friends may have bailed. I really wish you the best, and if you EVER need to talk, please feel free to message me privately. I have been through the ringer, and I do understand how this feels. Good luck! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

I used to work for hospice for a few years. As poopy as this is, you have to teach people how to treat you, even right now. You sound like a kick in the pants and fun - just be your directive self and tell them to snap out of it. "Hey, I know you love me and you're scared, but don't be lame" with a smile and punch in the arm. "Please don't suck : )"

Then tell them what you do want. May be different for different friends. Like others mentioned, what bites is that some friends may go by the way side. Like the movie idea!