Please Help! - Lowell,AR

It's not an easy thing and am in the same situation now if you want to talk email me on here or at ____@____.com and we can talk or meet. My girls are 3 and 12 and will be doing the same thing here soon.

L.

I wish you the best! I know what you are going through. I have been divorced now for 2 1/2 years and my children are 9, 8, and 5. My kids have done well with everything but I have never talked bad about their Dad. And we get along pretty good which makes it easier for the kids. And you are right the old saying "If Momma ain't happpy ain't nobody happy" is true. LOL :) I can tell a big difference with my kids and me.

Their Dad just recently got married and I really like his wife. I believe us getting along has also helped the kids.

You can do it! Best of luck! T.

I think the best way is to be as honest as possible and just come right out and tell them. I would think that you would have to be as delicate as you can with alot of understanding and answer any questions that they have. It may or may not be a very good talk but whatever happens just bite your tongue and be patient and since you are the one doing the telling, they may blame you. Just don't allow it to hurt your feelings. Keep in mind that they are hurting too. Be Patient!!!!!!! One thing that I am wondering is, they probably should be a part of picking out a place to live. That would probably make them feel more a part of the new place.
I am so sorry for your separation. I know it will be rough. I have been down that road too. But it is alot better than not getting along and feeling bad all of the time. I have since found a wonderful, wonderful man.... he is a saint (literally).... and my life couldn't be better. So hold your head high.... it will get better.
Write if you need someone to talk to. ____@____.com
M.

I just wanted to say good for you for leaving the situation. I know how your feeling, my boyfriend has a drinking problem but wont admit it. So I think its great you got the strength to move out. We have a two year old dd and are expecting our second child in july. I am currently going to college full time so I'm just tryin to hang in these next two years to make it through and be able to get a good job to support the three of us if thats what I choose. But I just wanted to say that I think its great what your doing.

You need to be honest with them, but not too honest! Tell them that mommy and daddy are going to live apart for a little while and that they are coming with you (don't make in a choice). Hopefully you can tell them together but if he's not amicable then you'll have to fly solo. Try and keep their life as normal as possible and make sure they know that this is NOT THEIR FAULT! Good luck honey!

B.,

Sorry I didn't realize you had already told the girls when I responded. You may still find some of what I said helpful. The alcohol issue is somewhat different that what I anticipated. You may want to seek some counseling for yourself and the girls. They can't have totally missed Dad's drunkenness or it's effects on you or them.

I'm sorry for the difficult time you are going through. You and your husband to sit down together with your girls and explain what's going on. Give them enough detail of why to let them know it has nothing to do with them. You also need to explain how the separation will work for them. For instance, will they be staying with you or their dad. You will need to give them some age appropriate reasons for your decisions regarding the decision of how their time will be divided.

If he won't sit down with you. You will need to do this on your own, but it's best if you do it together. No matter the real or "grown up" reasons for the separation, do not bad mouth their father or point blame. Just tell them what's happening and use "I" language when it comes to your feelings. If he cheated, you don't need to tell them that. If you cheated, it's up to you to decide if you want to admit that. Just talk about how you need some time to work out your feelings. That you are hurt or confused or that you need some time to sort things out--whatever is appropriate for the maturity that doesn't point blame at anyone.

They may ask if this means you will definitely get a divorce. Be honest with them if things are headed in that direction. Assure them that you and their father love them and have their best interests at heart.

Good luck.

i can tell you as a child from divorced parents, don't stay for the kids, kids are not stupid, i'm 29 now, and i knew the whole time my parents were not happy and it made me hate my dad cause i seen what he did to my mom and how hurt she was, now that i'm older i have mended things with my dad but it took a long time to do so. your kids are smart and they know whats going on, its better to have 1 happy parent then 2 unhappy!!! you don't have to go into details with them just tell them that there are some problems and for all of you to be happy and safe you need to do this!!

good luck and i hope everything goes well!! kids are much stronger then we give them credit for!!

B...What your deciding to do is a huge decision, Im sure you thought this out. Let your children know that while you cant live with their father, has nothing to do with their relationship with him. Don't tlk against their father because thats the worse thing you could ever do. Make sure you assure them that he is still their dad and you both Love them very much....
Mel

B. ~ as this is a difficult time for you, make it as easy on your girls as possible. You need to be honest with them and let them be part of some of the decisions that you make. Let them be involved in setting up the new apartment and packing away some of the things that THEY do not want or need at this time. If you make all the decisions, they may feel that you do not respect them. Granted the majority of the emotions will fall to you to handle, but if they know what is going on, it will be easier for them. Also, let their school counselor know now, so that he/she can be ready to step in if needed. Best of luck in your decisions.

What ever you do don't lie to them about anything to do with the move.An please don't talk bad about there Dad to them.Accept your part in it and go on. An I know your smart enough to know not to bring anyone else in to the picture till they have dealt with this situation. You need as much time to adjust as they do.They must know there were problems just leave the old problems in the old house.A child would rather be from a broken home then to live in one.I wish you the best. S.

Dear Dear B.,
My heart was touched by your request...God has placed "Special Needs" children in your hands...and this is a gift from Him....everything is a GREAT gift when we look at it perspectively!
Our daughter is a single mom with 2 incredible special boys Corey Age 7 going on 21 and lil' Noah who will be 2 on Sunday....you will make it and draw close to the grandparents also...that's why they call them "Grands".
Have a beautiful and blessed day to His glory!
Always, Annie D.

Be honest. Mommy and Daddy don't agree on some major issues in our life. Neither of you have anything to do with our not getting along. We both love you and you are not losing either one of us.

Even if you can't agree about the children you need to find some common ground and learn to be agreeable about the children and in front of the children. Don't ever say anything bad about your husband to your children. Does not mean you have to make excusses either.

If you have not gone to counseling I highly sugget you fing a Christian Counselor in your area. Go even if he won't go with you. I know from experience that a bad marriage can be saved and be better than it was during the honeymoon stage. Don't give up on your marriage too soon. Your children's lives will be forever changed it you divorce.

Good Luck and God Bless

There is a program called Celebrate Recovery that is at Fellowship Bible Church in Lowell and also Elm Springs United Methodist (elmspringschurch.org) and it has groups for people dealing with these issues (including me.) They have dinner for a small donation and free childcare. It was great for me to find a support system and to have others that could relate. This is a nationwide program, too, so you can see info at celebraterecovery.com.

It is important that you go ahead and let them know. I think sometimes we don't realize how strong and resiliant our children are. They are capable of handling whatever comes down the line IF WE TEACH THEM HOW. Divorce is an all too common reality of life in our culture but even if isn't divorce, life brings all sorts of ups and downs. They key here is to give them the information they need to handle it. Go ahead and tell them. Let them know they are loved and that your move and the separation is not their fault. It has to do with you and their father. Let them know it is ok to feel angry, sad, scared or whatever else they might feel. Give them a place where it is safe to feel all those things. Let them know it is ok to come to you when they are upset. Help them learn to deal with those emotions. My divorce was the most difficult thing I have ever been through but it challenged me to become a better person. I learned so much from that process and I was able to pass that on to my daughter. She has really blossomed through all this into a wonderful young woman. As much as we don't want our children to hurt, our job as parents is not to shelter our children from any difficulty, that is not realistic. It is to teach them how to deal with it when it comes. So get some clarity on these issues for yourself and then teach your children. Don't forget this is hard on you too so be kind to yourself and you will be in a better position to care for them. Blessings on your journey.

I too am in the same place , what an awful place at that.

My hubby is and addict of several types and they are killing our family.

I'am glad to hear that other women were able to assist you!

If you ever want or need to scream or talk, just PM me!

BE BLESSED,

K.

Don't think they don't realize something's wrong. They're probably pretty smart and sensitive to the feelings around them at home. Be honest, tell them y'all are separating, answer any questions they have. Moving is traumatic. But surprising them with it will make it somehow your fault.

Hi B. - I am sorry you are having to go through this. I know how tough it is. About a year and a half ago, my husband left me for another woman. At the time, our kids were 2 and 6. It was very hard. However, I tried to keep a brave face in front of the kids all the time. I tried to make sure they knew everythign was ok. I simply told them that mommy and daddy decided not to live toghether anymore, but that we both still love them very much. My ex and I always make a point NEVER to talk ugly about each other in front of the kids. If you make sure they know everything is ok, and that mommy and daddy still love them no matter what, and try to make sure they never hear any fighting, they will be fine! I hope what I said helps...good luck!

B., is there anyway to work out the issues with your husband? I say this because your children need their father. My husband ran off with another woman when my children were about the ages of yours and it made life so hard on them. He never had anything to do with them and I thought it wouldn't be that bad. Well I was wrong...My daughter (who was the youngest) is now 25 and it is really coming out in her. I don't want to see little girls go through that IF there is anyway you can save your marriage. have you tried counseling? Is he abusive? You have not said anything about that so I really don't know if your in danger and that's why you are leaving or if you two just get into arguments. You both loved each other enough to have two precious children and you two should think of them, not yourselves. They need two parents not one.... I wish I had been able to stopped mine from leaving and maybe now I woulldnt be dealing with my daughters emotional problems... my son just now has gotten his act together and he will be 30 this year...I will keep praying for you....and would love it if you would keep emailing me... my email is ____@____.com

Be honest with them. Tell them that you and daddy both love them but you just can't all live together right now. Let them know you both are going to be in their lives even if you don't live in the same household. Remember even if you and your husband are having problems you still have to keep the lines of communication open concerning the children. Never let the kids see you fighting. It's okay to let them know your hurting but don't badmouth each other in front of the kids. Make sure if your on the phone talking they are in another room.

You probably have a huge heart since you work with children. Honesty seems to be the best thing with kids because they recognize it when our stories don't seem just right when trying to explain something. You will no doubt tell them that their mom and dad love them TONS but the two of you just need some time in different homes to work things out. They don't need to know your future plans. They'll adjust.

B. this won't be an easy task however be open and honest with your kids and be sure to let them know that the seperation is not their fought. Let them know that you love them and continue to assure them daily that it isn't their fought. I can't stress that enough. With God's help you all will survive.

I've been where you are now. I got seperated & divorced, & had to move from a house to an apartment. It wasn't bad at all, as I sat down to talk to my girls. And we went to the apartment complex's together to see & compare what they had to offer our little family. The girls, were excited knowing they would have lots of little friends to play with. And a Pool to swim, & playground to meet kids of all ages. So, I'm sure you will be ok, just PRAY that JESUS will find you the right place to move with your girls.

Hi B., well you have done the first step! You are trying to build a life for your girls. That is so awesome, I got a divorce last year, and I was sooo nervous and it ended up being the best thing in the world. Things work out! Keep your head up, and it will be okay. They will realize that your doing this for all of you. They may be upset, but its going to be okay. Just change is hard, but I bet they will love you no matter what. so just be honest with them, and I wish you the best. You are not alone..remember that. so you told them, how did it go?