Please Help My Son Throws Tantrums and I Lose My Cool!!!

For those of you who say, give him a little swat. How is that going to stop him from hitting her? wont that give mix signals. wont he think, "Ok my mommy says dont hit her but she can hit me???".

im actually going thru the same thing you are and have been for over a year. my son will be 3 in may so reading all these suggestions are really helping. Except for the swat you kid.

I have a two year old and sometimes he throws tantrums i whisper to him and it gets his attention if not swat him on his but, well maybe you dont believe in swating him maybe you can just hold him and restrain him until he calms down. If dont stop him now when he gets older he gonna get worse.

Hi A.. I've been through this myself with my own kids, and with many of my students as well (I teach preschool and parenting). The biggest thing to remember is that little ones go through phases where the balance between what they want and what they are capable of doing gets out of whack. And the result is a really short fuse, tantrums.

As parents we need to remember that this too shall pass. And that they are not trying to be "bad", they are just struggling to figure life out. And getting overwhelmed. What we don't want is for your son to get "stuck" in this behavior pattern -- that is, acting out to get attention and not sure how to get his needs met in a positive way. So here are some suggestions to help with that.

So the first thing to do is catch him being good. Give him lots of positive attention when he is behaving well. With my 2 year old students I would greet them as soon as they came into the classroom, let them know how glad I was to see them. With my own kids, I would give them my attention when they first got up in the morning. And have some activity to do together right after breakfast. Then they were much more willing to play independently later in the morning (letting me get other things done).

The second thing is, to give some serious thought to your rules around the house. Put breakables away, make it a kid friendly environment -- so that you don't spend all day saying "no", "stop", and that sort of thing. This way, you can save the negative feedback for behaviors that really matter (hurting people). This is the time to pick your battles carefully -- and save your own sanity. Don't worry, as your son gets older you can impose greater limits and expectations as he is ready for them.

The next thing is, give some thought to how you respond to your son's negative behaviors. A lot of acting out at this age is either venting overwhelming emotions... or testing the boundaries. And no matter which your son is doing, it will help you both if you can appear calm and firm and loving. Remember, he's acting this way because his world feels out of his control. Things are not going the way he wants. And he doesn't know how to fix it. What a relief to feel that Mom does! Even if she limits his behavior.

When he is overwhelmed, offer sympathy and understanding. You can do this with a hug and with verbally stating what is going on, "You are angry that I won't let you eat cookies right now." Restate reality, "Cookies are yummy. But they are not good for you (or etc.)." Redirect, "But guess what? We can pick a yummy snack that is good for us." Offer a choice, "Would you like a rice cake or apple slices?"

Above all, make sure your son gets redirected to an appropriate activity -- rather than just saying "no". Very young children need our help in finding appropriate ways to express their feelings, energy, and creativity. They get stuck on an idea, and often need us to suggest a new one.

So for instance, when he tries to hit you, calmly tell him, "Stop. I don't like it when you hit me. Don't hit Mommy. You can hit that pillow over there. Here like this..." And encourage him to join in with hitting the pillow. You can even get silly and make a game of it. If everyone ends up laughing, so much the better.

But there will be times when he would prefer to rage and fume. In a calm and upbeat way, restate the problem and your limit. "You're mad." And restate what your son can do about it, "It's okay to cry about it if you need to. Let me know if you need a hug." And then get on about your business. Try to ignore the acting out. As a teacher I once knew said, "If need be, step over the tantrum." Let it blow over like a sudden storm. And be ready to give your son love and attention when he's done. This reassures him that while you don't like the behavior. You do love him.

Be consistent with this routine and the tantrums will become fewer and farther between. Just make sure you have a back up plan for what to do when it happens at the grocery store or a friends house.

The important thing is for him to learn that his feelings (anger, lonliness, etc.) are okay. And that he is okay for having them. BUT that hurting other people will not be allowed and that he won't get his way just by having a fit. AND there are other ways to let the feelings out that are just fine. Most of all, he is learning to trust you. To see you as a smart, loving guardian who has his best interests at heart. As you meet his needs for attention in a positive, proactive way -- and give him choices -- he will have less and less motivation to throw severe tantrums to get his way. You two can develop a relationship where you talk about why he can't have what he wants, where you negotiate safe alternatives, and where you work out solutions together.

I've never really been one big on just ignoring naughty behavior, mostly because I can't tune it out and it makes me crazy. Also, I don't want to get into the habit of ignoring bad behavior and then when it matters when they are older (smoking, talking back, etc) I want to be in control already. My kids need to know I'm in charge and although they are allowed their feelings, they can learn to express them in a different manner that doesn't include being naughty. The second my daughter (2-1/2) starts to throw a fit I tell her "I can't understand you when you are yelling or whining" and then I try to distract her to another activity. If that doesn't work, then I tell her that if she doesn't stop being naughty she is going on thinking time. If she doesn't stop I put her facing the corner for 2 minutes. Then I tell her I love her and to please not be naughty anymore. 95% of the time it works the first time but the other 5% I have to put her in thinking time again. But I just can't stand the whining and screaming fits so I stop them before they start. But of course every child is different, but good luck!

hi A.!
what i have found with this type of behavior is that your child wants all of your attention for himself and the minute you're focusing on something else, even if its making him lunch, he acts out to get a response out of you. my daughter used to do this while i was on the phone, even for just a minute. i read a book called "the secret of parenting" which was really the best book i've found to date. basically it stands behind the ignoring the bad behavior, in a sense refusing to acknowledge it and giving your son lots of good attention when he is behaving. the book is awesome, and i totally recommend it. good luck!

He is definetly doing this to get your attention, but doing it in the wrong way. Putting him on time out will not hurt one bit. From what I read it seems that you have no discipline and he runs the house. Terrible Twos do not have to be this way. You are the mom, stand up and take charge. If he does something that is wrong, a little swat on the hand and/or time out is what he needs. You need to take charge especially when you want another child. If you dont do it now, what happens when the baby gets here. He will do exactly what he is doing to you to your newborn and you dont want that. My son will be 2 in May and he is fast with his hands when he doesnt get something his way. I have used time out, making him stay there for one minute, crying up a storm and when the minute was up I walked over to get him and told him that I loved him very much and hitting mommy (or whatever he did) was very bad. One time I got him out of the bathtub, drying him off and he slapped my face. I took his hand and slapped it. He cried and was hurt by my actions, since that day he has not done this. Stand up, take charge of your household again!

That is normal MOM!!! LOL. All of us go through this. Some childeren are more intensive then others. I am not making fun of you, but I remember that phase. The best thing to do is ignore him. If he hurts you just say stop, pick him up and hug him, tell him you love him.
You need to teach him that no matter how loud he gets it will not help. once you do this for a while ( ignoring his temper) it will decrease. Then explain to him ( cut it very, very short, the attention span of a child his age is very short) for example " When you are done screaming and yelling/throwing things you can ask me nicely."
Also what helps is distract him. If he wants to play with one toy or watch tv when you turn it off show him another toy. Also there are many parenting classes out there. They are very helpful. Anoth thing you can try is time out. If my 3 y/o acts like that I will tell her you will go into time out when I count to three. 1....2.......3 and put her in the corner for 3 min. I hope this info is somewhat helpful.
Best of luck!

A.,

My son is 3 1/2 now. He was the exact same as your son at 2. I hate to say ot but they only get worse at 3. When my son was 2, He used to yell at me and tell me No. He used to throw things at me and he still does. I used to use time out but now my sont thinks it is a game. So now when he doesnt want to listen and starts throwing a fit, I send him to his room, he gets no TV, no video games, etc. I know it sounds hard but I make him stay up there the rest of the night. He gets to come out for dinner, bath time and then it is back to his room. All he has is his toys and his imagnation for the whole night. The first time we did this, the next day he listend to us very well. We havent gotten to the point where we have had to do it again. I think he realized we werent playing and we meant business. I would first start with the naughty corner or a time out spot. When you place him in time out, explain to him why you are putting him there and that his behavior is not exceptable. If this does not work, you can always try what my husband and I do. When he starts acting up, count to 10 and remind yourself he is only 2. Sometimes this has helped me. Also, when you are scolding him, get down on his level. We seem like giants from their point of view. It is a little overwhelming and scarey. I hope this helps you.

V. Shibley

i know what u are going through. my kids been there and done that when they were babies. now they are 2 n 4 and they still throw tantrums. what i do is i reward them with a sticker calendar and if they were good all day without throwing fits they get a sticker at bedtime. other times they are not good. i tell them i take away one thing they likes the most usually a toy t.v. going to the park for that day and to do better the next day. i also use a timer for the kitchen. i would set the timer for 2 to 5 mins and have the kids stay in the corner for a timeout until they behave. try these and let me know how it worked out for u.

Before I answer...Do you believe in spanking? I've been there with my kids too.

He's definitely doing it for attention. Like you said, when you turn away he sometimes loses it. When my son (1 1/2) does the same thing, I tell him, "I know you want _______, but you can't have it and I'm sorry". That's all you need to say. Then ignore him or distract him. I find those two things the most productive.
Or, if you need to, walk away for 5 minutes, put yourself in "quiet time" and come back ready to tackle a challenge (a 2 year old)!
Oh - terrible 2's DEFINITELY start earlier than 2!

A.,

i had the same problem, i even had my son tested with every head exam you could, because he used to rock and bang his head. he did not speak until he was 3 so we thought he was frustrated. the best thing i ever did was go see a therapist. the pediatrician kept telling us he had a behavioral problem and my x-husband would not except that. my therapist advised that i needed to put a lock on his door and lock him in for maybe a minute just so i could regain my cool and then check and see if he was ok then if that didnt work then keep him in there for another minute. he also advised buy lots of spackle to fix the walls and dont replace anything he breaks and the best thing he said is that when he grows up he will probably be a millioniar because he was so headstrong. i have to tell you it was a godsend. my x would only consider it because the therapist said to do it. it worked FAST. he is now 14 years old and still very headstrong, and sometimes tries to slam a door or two but it is rare. the key is follow thru. also watch the nanny show, it works. i promise. (i used to cry uncontrollably because i did not know what to do)

A good old fashion disiplining, spanking will not hurt him. It says in the bible spoil the rod spare the child. Then if that doesn't help you need to take it one step further and add in a time out and let him know his time out doesn't start till he is quite. I know he is only 2, but he will get the message loud and clear in short order. If he continues to throw things, take away the toys that he is throwing, he will get the idea when his room is empty and no more toys are in it to throw. As far as him doing it in public take him to the nearest restroom and have a hand to butt talk with him if that doesn't help just pick him up and leave the store or where ever you are. I know this may sound cruel, but if you don't get a handle on this now things will get worse. But just remember whatever disipline you hand out let him know afterwards how much you love him. I will be praying for you.

God Bless

The twos are really hard. You have to remind yourself that he is a little kid and not strike out in anger. there are lots of great books. One I love and I got on Amazon.com is by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D. called "Discipline the Brazelton Way" > It gives lots of good suggestions.

I'd buy the book 1-2-3 Magic. Basically when your child acts up, you "count" them. If they don't stop the behavior, they get a time out. If you are in public, this can be a restroom, the parking lot, etc. So your son throws something, you say (very calmly) "That's 1." If he starts yelling and screaming, you say "That's 2." If he hits you, you say "That's 3. Time out." And he has to go to his room. You aren't supposed to do much talking, because that just antagonizes your child. Anyway, it seems like a great discipline technique. I've read it in preparation of my daughter turning 2 (you're not supposed to use it until then), and I've heard lots of good things.

Dear A.,

I don't know if I have the answer to the tantrum problem, but I maybe can tell you a couple of things to do. I have helped raise so many babies from the beginning of their lives to five years old. My own two children, of course, I raised up until they were adults, and still am very close with them.

O.K. when he starts all of that terrible stuff, just get up from whatever you are doing, and go into the bathroom and draw a warm bath. You don't necessarily have to put the toys in, ask him to choose the ones he would like to play with.
Then tell him that he can take a warm bath or stay in his room , but he cannot play anymore otherwise. I know it won't be easy.

You can get a 'gate' for his room, or just stand by the door if you do not have a gate. If he tries to fight and run out of the room, then close the door, and stay by it. Listen carefully because he will be screaming wildly probably. Just be patient, then when he has quieted down take him to the bathroom, drink of water, more warm water, and into the tub. If he doesn't cooperate, then back to the bedroom.

Then when he calms down give him the choice of a bath or a book that you will read to him. No fussing and telling him what he did was bad.

Also, you can get a chair or stool and put it up to the bathroom sink, and cover it and the floor with towels, then let him play in the warm water in the sink with a few toys that he can 'torture', and he will. That will redirect his thinking and won't spoil him. Don't get all worried about spoiling him, just do not reward him unless he has done what you told him to do. This water play is not a reward, it is redirecting his thinking and calming him down.

Please do not let him hurt you in anyway. It is very bad for him and will make him feel insecure. Babies, children, know that we are more powerful than they are and when they lose their cool, we need to control them. So have at it.

Good luck, C. N.

Dear A.,
I've found that the best way to stop a tantrum is to completely ignore them. The lack of attention forces the child to find another form to get your attention. I would try going in another room and shutting the door. Tell him you'll come back out when he's done throwing a fit. It may take a couple of times before he gets it, but it works. Wait it out as long as it takes. He'll figure out that thats not working. Good luck.

A., (here goes the truth as I see it) I believe that you really need to discipline your son. I beleieve that spanking is okay and is necessary. He needs some form of discipline. Otherwise he is going to continue to walk all over you and things will get worse. Children need boundries. No one is going to want to be his friend because he acts out like this and it will make matters worse. You and your husband need to be a team and both have to teach him right from wrong and need to continue to discipline him when acts wrong.
I was just in a class last night about parenting and discipling came up and how children crave it because they need boundries.

I would strongly urge you to make some changes. If you need more help I can point you in some better directions!

Good luck,
B.

I think he's yelling because he thinks you can't hear him any other way, just tell him that it's nicer when he talks softley and reassure him that you can hear him. He might need more interaction with you or he might need some new activities to get into. i think also rewarding his good behavior would help. maybe you could unplug the tv

Hi A.. How old exactly is your son? Mine is 18 months and he acts the saem way! sometimes I want to just rip his little head off!! lol.
Unfortunatly, I do believe our kids are heading start into the terrible twos. OMG! We'll get through it though, I hope. Surely this waon't last forever....althoguh it just might. haha. If you need some way to control your temper, I can tell you what I do. I go lay down on my bed and bury my face into my pillow. Even if he is crying, its almost an escape. Then I scream with everything deep down inside me. I might even bang my hands on the bed..lol.
Just try to remember that you can't yell or slap them. If you yell, it just makes it worst. Ignoring him is the best thing to do. If you hit him (I'm not sure if you believe in spanking...I don't but to each his own) it'll be out of anger and that is not good.
You can write to me anytime...if you want to just vent. We can swap "guess what he pulled today!" stories. lol.
Best Wishes and Good Luck, T.

It sounds like your son is going through the terrible 2's. I have a 4 year old daughter who went through those stages starting at 1 1/2 years old. At first, I gave in to almost all the tantromes and let her get away with everything. But I got some help and learned how to discipline her. I've tried various ways and the one that works best for me is having her hold her arms up for a few minutes. I realize that as moms we don't like to see our children cry or in pain, but it will only benefit them in the long run. This is what I do: when she acts up, I ask her to stand and hold her arms up for just a couple of minutes the first time. I still try and remain nice, caring and the most important thing is that I don't yell. Yelling only takes away from the disciplining by making the child feel bad. However, I am firm. Then I remind her that I don't want to do this, but she needs to be punished for incorrect behavior. I know that your son is young so he may not understand it at first. But he will associate bad behavior with being punished like holding his arms out. After my daughter is in trouble, I hug her, kiss her and talk about what she did wrong then we pray and ask the Lord for forgiveness. It seems like my daughter has calmed down a whole lot. The key about this which I am guilty of not doing is being consistant. As long as the kids are being punished kindly, and consistantly, I know their behavior will change. Hopefully, this helps for you!

I am the same way A.. And so was my son @ that age he is 4 now, but we still have a battle of wills. All I can say is keep being persistant. Let him know you're the mommy, & this is just what's needs to happen. I swear they will grow out of it. My son did the same things, thrashing around, falling in the tub & hurting himself. Pouring water & making a huge mess that would send me over the deep end. Trust me they know what they are doing. Even if it's wrong, So just hang in there girl.

My son started doing this too at 2, the only thing that helpd was to make sure that I sat down and cuddled with him or played with him every 30 min or so. I would get out the blocks and build together and after about 10 min he would be happy to play by himself for about half an hour and then he needed something else. Also make sure he gets LOTS of exercise. Take a walk in the morning, at his pace. I'm the type of person who doesn't mind being at home but my son NEEDS to get out every other day. He'd love to go somewhere every day. I know it's annoying to have to drop what your doing to try and entertain him but at that age they need to be distracted nd redirected into a new activity. They can't really entertain themselves yet, it will pass. Try including him in your house work, give him a spray bottle of water and a microfiber cloth and have him clean the walls or windows. Fill the sink with soapy water and let him clean the silverware. Yes water makes a mess but it cleans up with just one towel. I got a book at Barnes and Noble for 5 bucks with lots of ideas of things to do with a toddler and one for preschoolers. It helps to plan these activities ahead of time. Also you may want to look into changing his diet. Make sure he isn't eating too many empty carbs, they can give a big boost energy with a hard crash, give him foods that sustain for long periods of time like whole grains and veggies. I know that can be hard with the little ones though. Good luck. ;)

spare the rod and spoil the child. Dont allow your two year old to hit you and throw things around. Put your foot down, you are not to be ashamed for disciplining your child. I mean discipline because of your love for him, not in anger. If you feel angry, cool down first then go and take care of it in a wise manner. He is not to be controlling you, you control him and teach him to control his anger. Sometimes we get pushed and it's okay to say so and then take care of it. So be the good mama that you are and discipline him, then after a while, go hug him and gently love on him so that he knows that the behavior was not acceptable but he is! Remember, you love him but not his behavior.

Hi A.,

I have 2 children who are 7 and 8. And yes, I did go through the "special terrible 2 tantrums". However, my children did not cross those boundaries with hitting me. You first need to let your son know who is boss. I know they are little and some people think that their behavior is cute, but in the long run it will only get worse if you don't stop it now. When your son starts his tantrum you need to warn him to stop. If he doesn't stop, tell him that you are going to count to 3 and when you get to 3 follow through with some sort of punishment if he doesn't stop. Such as, time out for 5 minutes since he is still young. Have him stand in a corner. And if he gets out, keep putting him back and add more time. I belive in spanking, not beating, but people handle their children differently, but the counting helps a lot. My children are older now and it still works. They know that when I get to 3 that they are in trouble because I had already given them a warning. Be firm and consistant and you will see a change. Trust me.