Please Help! Problem with 4 Year Old After New Baby

My 4 year old responds incredibly well to sticker charts. I also noticed that after acting like a baby (he has 2 younger siblings) to get attention, just having alone time with his dad helped tremendously. good luck to you, and congrats on the new baby.

Hi B.,

That is called jealousy, and your daughter is still too young to manage a feeling that intense on her own without turning it against the source of the jealousy. She obviously knows that it's wrong, but she can't help herself, and it's perfectly normal for a child this age. When my sister was a baby, I'm told I actually threw a key set at her when no one was watching.

If you think about it from her perspective, this behavior makes sense: she used to be the center of attention, Mommy and Daddy's girl, and suddenly this baby is taking the time and the attention of everyone, and she's been displaced, no one pays attention to her. The idea of a baby sister was really fun when it looked like a live doll, like the babies she saw in the park, and the novelty of baby at home was interesting, but she had no idea the change was permanent. The reality of a baby home 24/7, who's crying all the time and demanding attention all the time, is not so appealing, and she probably wishes that the baby would go away.

Dealing with the symptoms by punishing her may when she hurts her sister may curb the behavior, but it'll do nothing to deal with the feelings your daughter is having. Her feelings are just as strong as those of an adult, she just doesn't have the words to express them, and the ways to deal with them in safe ways.

So first make sure to give her one-on-one time every day, to help her put her feelings into words, and make her understand that they are perfectly normal. At this point, she's probably feeling bad about herself as well because she thinks she should love her baby sister, when she feels otherwise. So take some time with her, to put in words with her what is going on "It looks you're very angry at your baby sister right now, and you want her to go back into my tummy. Am I right?", "What do you feel like doing when you see her take attention away from you?" Make sure to also validate her feelings. After all, they are perfectly legitimate, and she's feeling them. It's only the way she expresses them that you don't like. "It's perfectly normal and ok to be angry at your little sister. After all, you used to have all of Mommy and Daddy's time, and she's taken a lot of it away from you." etc.

Having her feelings validated will make her feel understood and will lower their intensity. Then you can start to work with her on appropriate ways to show her anger, if possible involving her in the process of choosing what to do "ok, we both know that hitting or scratching your sister is not an acceptable way to show your anger and jealousy. What could you do instead?" Maybe having her hit a pillow, or a dedicated doll, or anything else you and she can think of will give her the outlet she needs in a safe way.

Your little girl is having a completely normal reaction to the arrival of a new baby in the home. All she needs is to be allowed to have her feelings heard, understood and validated, and taught how to manage them in a safe way. You can of course get her to a therapist to do so, but it's not necessary. Your love is more than enough to get the job done.

Good luck!

K.

First thing I would suggest is for now do NOT leave her alone with the baby. I am sure she is not able to process her feelings, however at 4 she does know right from wrong. You are right to be concerned. Some degree of jealousy is to be expected but this seems to be escalating. I would be very firm with her and I mean more then just talking. There should be consequences for her doing this or it will get worse. My mother told me I did pinch my brother when he came home as well so she left a note on the door to make sure visitors acknowledged me before my baby brother. She said it worked, so I would just be aware and give her extra attention right now. However, I am concerned about how her behavior towards her baby sister is getting worse. Maybe you could get a sitter for the baby and have some special mommy time. Or set aside a time each day that is just for you and her. This way she will have something to look forward to each day. Maybe have grandma come over and you spend time with just her I would also explain to her that when she was little she needed extra attention also and that is what the new baby needs but that she is still your little girl and you love her very much. Good luck!!

Jealousy is very normal after the birth of a younger sibling, however the behavior needs to stop. I don't think that you need to seek-out a therapist at this time, especially b/c she is looking for attn from you and having someone else step-in may upset her more.

I would suggest:
1. Do not leave her alone with the baby. I would tell her that she is not allowed to be alone with the baby until she shows that she can be responsible. She is old enough to understand.
2. I would then let her come-up with a list of ways that she can show you that she is responsible and help her accomplish those things. Maybe she can be in charge of getting the diapers when you need them.
3. Have some time set aside for just her each day- no matter what. Do something that she loves... have a tea party, watch a cartoon, read a book, do nails...
4. If she hurts the baby, an immediate time-out or removal of priviledges.

Give it a little time, but keep an eye out.

Hi B.,

Sorry to hear about your little one. I had a similar situation with my daughter when my second was born. She was 2 y/o when I had my second and she became violent toward me. She never did anything to hurt the baby but was mad at me all the time.

Have you tried to put aside and hour a day just dedicated to your older and let her pick what she wants to do so that she feels important. They get very overwhealmed at the attention given to their siblings and sometimes we as parents lose sight of them a little bit because we feel like the little one needs us just a bit more. It is just the opposite, the older ones need us more emotionally and we need to be extra sensitive to them. When my second was born we went overboard because their birthdays are 8 days apart and we gave my 2 year old (at the time) a big sister party, a birthday party for family and then another for friends. She is 5 now and still vies for attention and she gets loads of it from her little sister who thinks that she is just the best thing in the whole world!

As far as empathy, my 3 y/o shows empathy and remorse already and has for a little while but I don't really know what is "normal" age. My daughter is very sensitive and does not like when "anyone" is upset with her.

I would speak with the pediatrician if you have concerns about therapy, but i would try making a big deal about the older for a little while.

good luck!

Time outs can be very effective for this behavior, because you are depriving them of five minutes of ANY attention. Find a place that they can sit with their thoughts and tell them "we don't hit" and leave them in that spot. Don't talk to them, don't acknowledge them. If they come out, you quietly put them back in and say, "Four minutes starting now." And keep doing it.

She's currently getting a rise from you over her bad behavior and is liking ANY attention. Another thing you need to do is praise and coddle her when she does good, acceptable things to and with the baby. Make her part of it, like getting diapers or putting on lotion.

Be SURE to give her some one-on-one time with you. She's worried you love the baby more or her not at all anymore. It's all very common.

Good luck.

It seems like your 4 yr. old is competing for your alone attention. Do you play with the baby alone or have your 4 yr. old participate with you? You might try to give your 4 yr. old a set time every day to do whatever she wants with you and nobody else to make her feel special. She may be feeling not special enough causing these violent outbursts.

There's a cute book called, "Koala Lu" that addresses the older child feeling ignored after siblings are born. I'm sure there are other books as well that address sibling jealousy, "Goldie is Mad" might be even more appropriate.

Hi Mom

Nothing is wrong with your 4 year old. For the past 4 years she had been getting all the attention and then the baby came. My son was 4 when i had my new baby and I went through a little tough time but it was not hitting.

I bought a gift for my 4 year old when he went to visit his new baby brother at the hospital.
I did a BIG BROTHER party for him instead of inviting guest for the new born.
Get her involve with you while taking of the baby ESPECIALLY when friends and family is visiting.
But never leave her alone with the baby even if you go to the bathroom.

this may sound crazy.. but i was about 4 and pinched someone out of the blue... my mom sat me down and tried to talk to me.. to no avail... i did 2 more times... one time really hurting the person.. the only thing i remember is my mom.. pinching me back.. wow... but you know what.. i learned how it felt to be pinched.. she did it hard.. and i learned my lesson... i remember this.. and i am 46 now.. my mom wasn't one to hit or yell.. but i guess she figured she had to help the situation before it got out of hand.. i never pinched again... i know it sounds crazy.. but it did work... it got thru to this 4 year old.. good luck.. you have to do something before she really hurts the baby.. she could hurt her eyes or something else.. so do something soon...

This kind of sibling rivalry is pretty typical. I have an almost 4 year old son and an 11 month old daughter and it has been a roller coaster of a year. My son was always an energetic, rough and tumble kind of kid so aggressive behavior was not a surprise. He has hit and pushed the baby, especially now that she is crawling around and taking his toys. He also says "throw that baby in the trash." I'm not thrilled but I told my mom to take my baby sister back to the hospital when I was 4. So I give him time outs if he pushes her on purpose (the carpet is padded so she isn't getting hurt). Once he pinched her and dug his nails in and got a double time out but he never did it again. I do have to watch them almost all the time but is getting a bit better. He isn't totally happy she is here yet but he knows the rules and that he will have consequences if he hurts her (or tries).

What helped was extra time and attention for my son(me, his dad and my mom took turns).

Dont take away things when she hurts the baby, put her in time out and totally ignore her. She knows she is doing wrong, but is getting the attention she wants. You explain that she hurts and musnt and then tell her you are taking away whatever. Think about the attention she is getting when you do this. The next time she hurts the baby or even attempts to hurt her put her in a corner immediately. Not a chair or step but facing the corner where she cant see what is going on. (this drives kids crazy) No talking or explaining to her..totally ignore her.
BUT be sure you spend time with her when baby is sleeping and do something special with just her a couple of times each day. Also involve her in caring for baby..she can fetch diapers, wipes, rattles etc. Tell her how much baby loves her and what a good big sister she is. Praise her when she is good, ignore her when she is bad.

B.,

Sounds like pretty normal behavior to be, of course it does need to be addressed immediately. I would suggest having some one on one time with your 4 year old.

Also, I just started a book called "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk". There are some intersting suggestions that might help you help your daughter understand her feelings. The authors, Faber and Mazlish also wrote a book called "Siblings Without Rivalry".

I'd be very interested to know what worked for you as I will be in the same boat in a few months.

Good luck,
R.

Hi B. - that happened when my second daughter came and what turned it around was when gifts kept coming for the baby - I made sure there was a gift for her older sibling. I think what she is going through is normal.

K. N

My daughter bit, pinched, and scratched from the age of 18 months to 3 1/2 years. It g-r-a-d-u-a-l-l-y got better. I think she did it for two different reasons. Attention was the main reason. How did I figure this out? Well, she would pinch, bite, or scratch when I would arrive to pick her up from daycare. It was like she was telling me "Hey look what I'M doing!" I quickly learned that I would have to make the pick-up quick or things could get hairy. Eventually, we made a rule. If she wanted me to spend time with her wrapping up the day at her "school"(reading a book, completing an art project), she would have to refrain from the unacceptable behaviors. On days she would forget our rule, we would leave immediately. The second reason was I believe to get a reaction from younger children (including babies,toddlers). I also had my second child during this period. He suffered a handful of scratches, pinches, and bites. I was so nervous during this period not only with my son but with any new baby she would encounter. Other parents would look at me strangely when I would hover my daughter when she became interested in a new baby. I couldn't take my eyes off her. Luckily, these episodes have become few and far between as opposed to a constant struggle. She is now almost 5. Just the other day, she scratched a 1 1/2 year old she hadn't seen for several months. She had seen him in pictures over those months and was very excited about visiting. I'm not sure why she did it but I think it was to get a reaction out of him since he was now "real" and not a picture. After the episode she was informed that mommy would have to be near her at all times since she was not being gentle. She did not like the fact that mommy was cramping her space. We will soon make another visit to see this toddler, however, clear rules and consequences have been set. If she is not gentle, she will lose her privilege to be alone with babies at the party. If the problem continues, we will leave immediately. The only reason we would not leave immediately is that the drive is over an hour. I hope I didn't overwhelm you. I just want you to know that you are not alone if this problem doesn't go away overnight. Sometimes these dilemmas can be complex. You may need to try more a combination of strategies to resolve this problem or make it better. Clear consequences (both positive and negative), spend more one-on-one time with attention seeking child, all the attention for wanted behavior and none for unwanted behavior (attend to the hurt child before you address the offender).