"Please" + "Thank You" and Shyness

You are expecting WAAAAY to much from her. I'm 24 and still can not make phone calls in certain situations because I'm shy.
People understand that kids are shy. Trust me, my son is shy but says please and thank you all the time at the house or to me. I don't force him to say it when I know he's not comfortable.

I think you're expecting too much from her. Model the appropriate response for her and give her time to gain the confidence to say it for herself. Don't put her on a guilt trip or deny her a treat just because you're afraid of what others think. I would never consider a small child rude because they were too shy to say the words "please" and "thank you" after I gave them something.

you've never been shy :)

it's really okay - like the others said, the giver can tell she's being shy, not rude. it's sweet and they will understand. you can say it for her. she knows you expect her to say it...as she gets older she will "find her voice".

I don't see it as a big deal.
Age related phases comes and goes all the time.

I am not now, who I was when I was 4 years old.
No kid is.

And, a child NEEDS to learn, to listen to their own gut instincts too... and their own 'radar' and their own cues.
I nurture that in my kids, beyond perfunctory gestures.
Although they of course, know what 'manners' are.

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I am huge on please and thank you, but I am not without empathy. Adults can tell the difference between a shy child and a rude child. And if they believe that shyness of your daughters level is rude, then IMO they are being rude as well. I can tell you from experience, if you continue to expect her to refuse a gift if she can't bring herself to speak, she will retreat into a personal shell. She needs your support not a punishment.

You are expecting too much if the problem is shyness. People do understand that a child under 6-7, maybe even older, might be too shy to speak up. Prompt her or speak for her, but don't make her feel bad for being shy. Being shy is hard enough. It is likely a phase,and she will eventually be confident enough to speak up at lease to say please and thank you. However, it may take a while.

Now if she was a kid who is loud and precocious AND isn't polite - well, people will notice that too :)

Right now, if you are upset with her for not acting polite, you are really punishing her shyness, not her manners.

My child wouldn't say it in public until 4th grade. She doesn't like to talk to people and forcing her backfired bigtime. Once we got her around other wellmannered kids, she started doing it by herself on day two. I was floored.

Please, please understand, she is not being rude she is shy.. Big difference and should not be punished or have loved ones assume the worst from her.

"What Is Shyness?

"Shyness is an emotion that affects how a person feels and behaves around others. Shyness can mean feeling uncomfortable, self-conscious, nervous, bashful, timid, or insecure. People who feel shy sometimes notice physical sensations like blushing or feeling speechless, shaky, or breathless."

"Shyness is the opposite of being at ease with yourself around others. When people feel shy, they might hesitate to say or do something because they're feeling unsure of themselves and they're not ready to be noticed."

Some people can also become physically ill.

Please follow your child's lead and help her when meeting other people. Not by shaming or embarrassing her, but by giving her some words.
"Suzie is a little shy."
"Suzy Mrs. Smith said she likes your dress, isn't that nice?" then allow your child to nod. Then you can say, "we thank you, Mrs. Smith".

Some people never get past their shyness and others over time become more comfortable speaking in public, with strangers or participate in new experiences. This is a social situation that needs to be practiced just like reading and spelling.

Just a phase. My baby girl grew out of it. She used to hide behind my legs when we were face to face with a grown up she didn't know. All my prompting would only get a whispered please and thank you. Now she says it loud and proud. No more hiding behind mom. Try not to put her on the spot and force her to say it. It only makes them more shy and reluctant. Instead, encourage it, but if she doesn't say it, just say it for her and be done.

That is me when I was little. It was not a matter of being afraid to say please and thank you. I did. But I had this fear that what I said was wrong so I would say it very, very quietly. If I was asked what I said, you would not get a response. I must have said it wrong so why say it again. The person would not like me if I said something wrong. I had no problem saying it a bit louder with my own family but when it came to others, no. And it was worse if I was forced to be louder. It was the same thing in class when I was older. If the teacher could not hear my answer and asked me what I said, I must have been wrong and everyone would laugh at me. Obviously that was not true in either case but shyness can be scary for a small child. One of my girls was very much like me when she was younger. Now at 12, no one would call her shy.

A suggestion I have it to praise her for saying either or both. Give her a chance on her own without pushing. Do not make her feel or realize that you think she is being rude by telling her that. Do you tell her you think she is being rude or pressure her? Not sure how you convey to her how you feel about her lack of speaking up. This might make her withdraw a bit. If I was prodded over and over to repeat I withdrew even more.

Teach her to make a Thank you card for every gift or treat she receives

Don't fret over it. Continue to model appropriate behavior for her, and she will eventually pick it up.
You might work on encouraging her to make eye contact and smile at the person. As a librarian, I see parents who are working with their 4yo's on manners. They will ask the child, "Did you say thank you?" I've told the parent, "She thanked me with her smile".

My son will be 5 in a few weeks, and he's the same way. Polite with people he knows, even tells me "no, thank you" (especially if I've asked him to do something he doesn't want to do hehe), but when it comes to talking to others, it's like pulling toenails. I just model the behavior, and I'm confident that eventually, he'll get over his public shyness.

Hi H.,
My 4 yr-old is the same way. There were times she was being stubborn, other times she was shy. It depends on the situation. If she refused to say please or thank you out of stubborness, I never gave in, but that was usually directed at me. If she was receiving a gift or treat from someone else and she was being shy I would prompt her and if she didn't say anything, I would. She is almost five now and in preschool. She is much better at it, now that I am not with her all the time. I think it is our responsibility to teach them manners and I don't see it being done enough. I am glad you take such initiative. Good job, mom!

I'm assuming she shows pleasure when given any gift. A smile can be as good as a spoken "thank you" at this age. I think perhaps you should do the verbal expressions on her behalf. Something like "Susie really likes the gift, and thanks you for it." might work. You mention that you think your own parents may have over emphasized gratitude so that you have some guilt issues as an adult. You certainly don't want to create a similar situation for your own daughter. There is a balance between encouraging gratitude and badgering a child into verbal "please" and "thank you" when their own personality simply doesn't allow for them to speak out that easily. And.. when you are too insistent, the other adults feel uneasy about the situation (as you've already indicated when you said "everyone feels awful". So you must realize that your insistence on your daughter saying "please" and "thank you" may actually be a form of rudeness on your part, both to her and to others.

There is a wonderful book: Please is a Good Word to Say that helped open up a discussion with my shy daughter.