Gift Giving Manners

Lead by example. If you cannot get her to say thank you at that moment, you just say thank you for her and later explain to her that the polite thing to do is to say thank you when someone gives you a gift. She will eventually pick up on your lead. She is only 3 1/2 years old, you can't expect her to act like an adult yet. Don't worry, people don't always expect someone of that age to know how to act. Withholding the gift is also giving mixed signals, it then becomes a reward for the behavior of saying thank you, which is likely not the givers original intention. The giver would probably have more satisfaction in seeing her start playing with the gift right away anyhow. Best of luck.

Hello L.,

Your daughter might be feeling timid because when she is opening presents, she is the center of attention, all eyes on her, and then the givers of the present are expecting (or at least hoping) for a certain response. Many people list public speaking as their number one fear, even for people who are not usually shy at other times.

My suggestions would be to role play the event before it happens. This is what I did with my children when they were little, if I wanted a particular response from them or expected them to act in a certain way. I would role play how I wanted them to sit in church quietly with a book or a quiet toy and then praise them for doing well, for example. Or I would role play table manners or going to a friend's house, or meeting someone for the first time. When you do this it becomes a game, and during the game, you can explain what they should do next, etc.

Another possibility is to play with her dolls, and have her speak for her doll. You could give the doll a present and your daughter can teach the doll how she should say thank you.

During that kind of play, you might be able to find out the source of her fear or the reason for acting shy, and then you can address that.

Hope that helps,
L.

My daughter is the same way. I can understand why - it's a lot of pressure! lol! :) I know when everyone is watching me open something, I feel uncomfortable. Since she is reluctant to even open the present, she's probably anticipating what she knows is going to happen - people staring at her, oohing and aahing when the gift comes out, etc. Maybe you can somehow tone down the grown up's reactions a little by privately speaking to them first. Tell your daughter beforehand that even though she may feel shy, she still needs to be polite and say thank you. But ask her if these are the reasons why she feels uncomfortable. If it is, perhaps you can politely talk to the adults first...? Just a thought. Let us know how it goes!

Hi L.,
I think that is pretty typical behavior. It's a lot of pressure having everyone looking at you and waiting to see how you are going to react and what you're going to say! :-)
I would just keep encouraging her to say thank you--talk to her before a birthday or holiday event. Or (if she really clams up) YOU look at the person and sincerely thank them for her. She'll do the best she can. She's not being ungrateful. She's just being a little shy.
Also, I don't think there's an adult on the face of the planet who does not understand the situation or has not been it him/herself.
After all, how "heartfelt" really is a parroted back, mumbled "thank you" anyway?
I think it's always nice for the giver to get a written thank you note (your daughter can help sign it or draw a picture and include a photo of her playing with/wearing the gift. Sweet.

Yes, this is normal behavior, but it's also controlling behavior-hate to say it. 3 and 1/2 is plenty old enough to understand certain things she must do including saying thank you for a gift, or a glass of water, or anything someone gives her. She doesn't have to open it first. She doesn't even have to open it if you want to tell the person she's too shy to open it. She just has to say thank you immediately when it is given to her, and if that obstacle is out of the way-chances are, she won't mind opening it. She knows what you want her to, and she's choosing not to. Same as not eating or anything else.
Don't fall for the shyness act-and you said she's usually not shy. The shyest child in the world can say thank you, not because it's meaningless and insincere, but because it's human etiquette, and you're raising a nice child. You don't need to let her get any older to wait for it to happen "on its own". Even when she gets the drill, there will be times she'll slip and do the shy thing, that's why you need to enforce it, so if you remind her, she reacts.
On the rare occasion that my 2 and 1/2 year old gets shy and "forgets" to say thank you when someone gives her something, I use my quiet, "I mean business" voice to say, "Say, Thank you." right away-no awkward pause, just an instant command. And she does, because like anything else, she knows an order will be enforced, so there's no battle. 99 percent of the time she says it on her own anyway, it's been so ingrained since she was born.
It doesn't matter that the person sees that I'm "making" her say it, they just know it's my job to teach her manners, so I doubt they think it's really mean to tell her to say it. I actually had a friend say to me, "I think it's so nice you make your daughter say thank you, my sisters kids don't say thank you for anything, and she just lets them get away with it."
I also be sure to set an example by saying thank you for things and pointing out how nice certain gestures are to her so we should say thank you etc.
If you want her to learn, you need to train her at home that there is a consequence for refusing to say thank you just like for any other disciplinary issue when she refuses to do what you say. It's not something mean or outrageous you're expecting her to do.
I've seen the parents who don't make their kids say thank you, and the kids who don't say thank you, and it seems sad to me that their parents are letting them be bratty. It's not difficult to teach, and society has lost enough polite codes for kids to follow.

My kids are 3 and 4 and do the same thing. They are very good about saying "thank you" with me and my husband and each other in our everyday lives, but in certain circumstances with others around they freeze. So we try to find different ways to show thanks - a smile, a hug, a hand shake, a high-five. As a last resort, I thank the giver and we write a thank you note later. I think a lot of people understand kids that age feel timid, "on display", etc when the focus is on them. It is not that they don't appreciate the gift or they have bad manners, they are simply still learning social skills and gaining self-esteem. Maybe give her a little pep talk and practice before occassions where she will be getting presents so she will feel more comfortable in those situations. I don't know if others would agree with me, but keeping a present from her until she says "thank you" might put a negative spin on these types of occassions, making her more nervous and less likely to say "thank you". In keeping a positive atmosphere, she may feel more comfortable and gain confidence sooner rather than later.

Hi, my son is going through the same thing--he's just 3--and he would literally say he was "too shy" to say thank-you, and then go give the person a hug! I have just reinforced that we say thank you, that you don't get a gift until you say thank-you, and over a 2-3 mo period it has gotten MUCH better--but there was a phase where I was just embarassed by how rude he was. Than god he is overcoming it.

She is still young, but this is something you have to grow into. When we get gifts (usually more for birthdays) my kids always write a thank you note. When they were little and in pre-school, I wrote them and they signed them. At eight my son had to write his own. 17 to be exact. You just have to start small and train them. This may be a thing that your girl has a hard time with. Over time you can explain that the person thinks highly of them and wants to give them something special and in return they have to at least say thank you. It also might be something that your pediatrician (if you have a good one) could give you some tips with.

I think that manners develop gradually with socialization. Children observe others in their kinship group and they begin to emulate for acceptance by the people they care about. It reminds me of children in Europe swimming naked. They are not pressured to put on a bathing suit, it just happens when they reach a certain age(around 6); they notice that it is what people do and they want to wear it. I think small children should be allowed to be "children" and express their appreciation of a gift in their own way. At her son't birthday party an Australian friend of mine handled it beautifully. She would say to her boy, "aren't you lucky" and he would smile bashfully. As an adult, you should continue to give a good example, whatever you feel that is.
:-) N

After christmas last year my kids would take baby blankets and wrap up toys or books that we have had for ages and pretend play giving them to each other. It was very creative.
what about Role Playing with her? I wouldn't start off strong, have a tea party first or something and then as you are playing, have one doll give another doll a gift, like i said you could wrap up in tissue paper or something a little toy that your daughter already plays with and is familiar with. Then you can make the doll use her party manners and say thank you etc. Keep it low key, but use the dolls instead of directly instruction your daughter.
Good luck finding time for a tea party with a baby, but I bet your oldest would love the one on one time.