Potty Training - Mesa, AZ

Thank you for posting this. I am in the exact same boat... 4 1/2 and not trained. It makes me feel better that he isn't the only one, if nothing else.

Here's the part that underscores that each child is different: He is an identical twin and his brother was trained ages ago.

Sigh.

D.

sounds like the 4 yr old may have some jealousy issues with the 6 month old. It may be his
only method of control on his part to not want to be complete with the potty training.

There are many books out there for toddlers about potty training.

M.,

I have to admit that I have not experienced the joys of potty training my own child (he is only 13 months old), but I am a school psychologist by profession and have had children at school who have chronically wet their pants or pooped in their pants at school. I don't have all the answers, but I thought it was interesting that you said this is your step-son who is having the trouble. Some of the children I worked with had difficulty with wetting because of situations going on at home--not that he has a bad relationship with you or his dad, but just new home situations. (Note: these are children who were already potty trained before coming to school.) When they pooped or wet their pants it was a chance for mom or dad to pay more attention to them.

With the above said, I have a few questions for you to think about. When did you first start toilet training? Was it right when the new baby arrived? That may be a reason he is having difficulty. New babies get a lot of attention and so do little boys if they wet their pants. :o)

Some children actually have a medical difficulty with toilet training--some kids can't tell when they need to go. YOu could check with your pediatrician about that. Also, I knew a young girl that could not poop in the toilet because her legs dangled from the toilet. She needed to have a step-stool to put her feet on so that she could relieve the pressure off her legs thus allowing the relaxation necessary to defecate in the toilet. That might be an idea.

It might be helpful to have him clean up the mess with your help when he does mess in his pants. There may be some parents out there reading this who will be appalled by my suggestion, but a 4 1/2 year-old can clean with mom or dad's help. Maybe once he experiences the yuckiness of it, he will want to do his best to make it to the toilet.

On a side note, I had a friend whose little boy didn't want to toilet train, but he was always willing to go to the bathroom if mom came with him and read to him while he sat on the toilet. This created a very good experience for both of them. He was getting the job done AND he was becoming more literate! :o)

Good luck! I hope some of my questions and stories don't make it more frustrating, but help a little bit!

M.,
For starters, useing shame and punnishment with potty training will only lead to further conflict, confusion and emotional damage. One of the things that I see time and time again is parents forcing the issue. If you allow them to think that it is that big a deal to you you have now given them power. Children at this age have very little power or control and things like eating, potty training and obeying are things that they can utilize to assert their own sense of power and control. When we potty trained our son and now as we speak our daughter, we made darn sure to not care how long it took. Potty training will happen. He won't be 16 and going in his pants. Have you sat down with your son in a calm casual atmosphere and asked him how he feels about the situation? At 4 1/2 you should be able to have a chat with him. Explain that once he is potty trained, there are all sorts of new thing that he can do and places he can go. Don't make promises, don't bribe him because you will then be giving him power over you and your feelings. Make something special like a super specail sticker he gets to put on a chart him self anywhere he wants. Give him more choices during the day so he feels he has more power. Obviously make the choices both acceptable to you of corse. Remember, your children are a fully functioning member of your family and your own little society. They want to feel important and useful they want to feel equal, even though their young. Remember, potty training is all about power to them and they will weild that power when ever they feel they need to assert control in their lives. I hope my experience has helped. You might also check our Dr. Sears' feelings on the topic. Just Google it. Good luck!
J.

http://www.pottytrainingconcepts.com/Potty-Training-in-On...

"Toilet Training in Less Than a Day" by Azrin/Foxx.

This book is by far THE best! Trust me!

Good luck! :)

Hi M.,
Making issues over potty training will lead to longer term problems. As you have a new baby in the house it is likely to be a subconcious jealousy issue on the part of your 4 1/2 year old. When he gets into trouble for pooing in his pants he is getting attention - and any attention is good as far as he is concerned. I had a son who did that until he was 6. No one would babysit, we had problems at school and pull ups weren't invented then. We went to an educational counsellor who told me to give him as much loving as possible - hug him as many times in a day when the opportunity arose but at the same time explain to him what happens when we change diapers and why we change them. Let your 4 year old help you change the pooey diapers without making any comments. I don't know if it will work for you, but certainly, over a while, it worked for us. The anger from my child's stepfather only made things worse. Kids pick up on atmospheres. Eventually, when my son used the toilet (he would never use a potty) when we bought some little steps to help him reach it and an adapter seat so he wouldn't fall in. Praise and bunches of hugs were dished out after he did what he had to do, and although it sounds wierd to praise him for what we all do naturally, it worked.
My boy is now a fine man and all that stuff was put behind us before he was 7.
I've seen other families coping with this problem with kids as old as 15 and most of the time it comes down to lack of loving (or the perception of not being loved by the child!) ...so good luck!!!

Hi M.!

Potty training is so fun, isn't it?! :-)

Every child is different, so the only thing I can tell you is what worked with my daughter. Hopefully it will be helpful to you.

There were 2 things I did: one was advice my sister-in-law gave me. (This wasn't for pooping necessarily, but just toileting in general.) If she could tell her daughter needed to go, she would ask her if she wanted to. If her daughter said "no," she would very calmly say, "Ok, well mommy has to go potty. So I'll just go first." Then her daughter would run there and go, just so she could be "first" instead of mommy. This strategy also worked really well with my daughter.

The other thing I did that worked was to put a see-through container of Mini M&Ms in the bathroom on a high shelf. If she went poop, she would get 2. They're very tiny, so it isn't much of a sweet, and kids usually only poop once (or maybe twice) a day anyway, so it wasn't much. But my kids hardly ever get sweets so 2 Mini M&Ms was a pretty big deal. It worked like a charm.

Of course, I didn't start any of these strategies until I knew she was completely physically and emotionally ready and motivated. She had been asking to use the potty and trying it regularly. She was also able to stay dry for long periods of time.

Like someone mentioned earlier, part of the problem also might be that your stepson is at a different house half of the week, maybe with different rules. But your instinct is sooo right NOT to punish him for pooping, or leave him sitting in a poopy mess. It does make it much worse, and it can be hurtful to him.

Hopefully some of this is helpful. Best of luck to you!

J.

Bribe the boy. I have 3 boys and none of them were "fully trained" at 4 1/2. Pick his favorite small candy (think m&ms or skittles) and put a jar where he can see them. Sitting on the potty gets one candy. Going pee/#1/wee/tinkle/pick your term gets 5 candies. However, going poop gets like 15 or 20 candies (see why they need to be small?). Poop in the pot = jackpot sugar!!! Ok, when he does this a few times, and gets used to the 'prize' move up to stickers. Each successful poop in the pot gets a sticker. stick them to a chart, and when the chart is full he gets a really big prize (something like a toy or book on tape or something he'll really want). When the sticker chart is full, you'll have a fully trained little boy, he'll get his prize, and no more cleaning dirty britches.

By the way, the politically correct term for this method is call incentive training.

Good luck, and don't be too hard on him, boys just train slower than girls. No one ever went off to high school with pull ups in their back pack.:)

Boys are often much more difficult to potty train. I found that with both my sons and my grandson, I had to create a reward system, it kept me quite busy but in the end the rewards were great for both. It brought us closer. Also remember, he may be having a hard time due to the fact that there is two different homes involved as well as he feels he has o compete with the younger child...If he poops his diaper, like the baby, he will ahve the attention he seeks just as the baby would.
Try not to be negative about it...Create a reward system, where he can earn stars and when he gets so many ( like 10 or so, then he earns something special... I bought a bunch of matchbox cars and little toys that I knew they would like.
I would also take them to a special place for a treat, such as ice cream, but only after consistency, try with five stars frist, then increase week by week,... soon enough he will forget and automatically do it...

I'd say both house holds need to be on the same page with what they are doing, otherwise it may be too confusing for him. Also, he may be having issues with a new baby. Bribery is great. Let him pick out big boy pants and a reward for going in the toilet. Some kids just don't care about sitting in it so that might not be working. The quicker you get it off of him, he may learn to like the clean feeling. If he wants to go to school, you might start the talk that he can't unless he's trained. And when he does go potty, praise him to death. Boys are tough. Good luck. I'm getting ready to start my 3 yr old.

It just takes time and every kid is different. I would NOT punish him for an accident. He may not have control or may be scarred (a LOT of kids have a hard time with pooping on the potty). Punishing him may make it worse. He will come around or talk with his doctor. Be patient and understanding.

Good Luck
J.

Hi, this is what finally worked for my son. Try putting cherrios in the toilet, tell him to see if he can get it with his pee or sink it with his poop. I know it sounds dumb and gross, but when you get to a certain point you try it all. I had to tell Frankie the toilet was sad because he was hungry, and Frankie hadn't fed it. It worked he's been going all by himself for just about 3 years now. I hope it works for you.

I have 2 suggestions, my dear. (I have 8 & 16 yr. old sons). My 1st son was potty trained in a weekend, the 8 yr. old took longer...
Stickers as rewards worked finally. It seems so simplistic, worked for us, might not do a thing for you. Also, about 6 months after my youngest was potty trained, he began to poop in his pants. Not the full poop, just a little. After thinking he was "un-potty trained," for a while, we took him to the doc. for something else & mentioned this. The doc said sometimes if they have a painful poop, they will hold it in so as not to experience that pain again. Of course, they can't hold on to it forever & it will come in increments. He gave us a regimen of mineral oil & maybe even start w/ suppository. It worked. Hope this wasn't TMI. Blessings on your fam.

I would try a wonderful DVD called Potty-Power which was a God-send to my kids. You can get it on Amazon.com

Good luck and hang in there!

I have 4 children and actually my only son who just turned 7 even has an accident on occasion. They get busy and it takes to much time out of all the fun they are having to be bothered with going to the bathroom. My suggestion to you is...it doesn't hurt to be rewarded with little things for doing what is right, even as adults, we need that sometimes. God bless you and don't give up!!! A little piece of candy or even a sticker chart is fun!

Boy, I feel sympathetic towards you. you have your work cut out for you. no doubt the child may be behaving a bit manipulatively acting out feelings towards his step situation and mixed feelings towards this way of life and taking it out on his only way of controlling his life - his potty training? Might it be possible? Are all his parents and step parents on the same wave length and expectations towards the child with regard to his potty training? That will make all the difference. If not, you might want to try a more relaxed method, but include a reward of something he really really likes. Make it out so that he perceives you don't care much whether or not he potty trains but that you really want to see him achieve the reward, to see him be really happy receiving the awesome reward. My child I believe, used the manipulation and put off potty training for quite a while, seemingly year or more. If you get desperate as I was, you might consult with a child psychologist, to get some really cool advice, for I suspect that in a step parenting situation and one in whihc all the parents might not be having the same expectations and methods, and at the age of 4 1/2, he might benefit greatly from the expert advice of a psychologist. I did and it worked wonders. When I implemented her advice, the best psych9oligst int he city on these matters, he was trained quickly in 6 weeks. It helped a lot that he was told that he had to be trained fully to go to school and play on the big kids playground (elementary) with the elementary kids whom he goes to school with. (His preK is attached to an elementary.)So it helped to have a really awesome reward to dangle in front of him, a true reward which he did receive. But I was told to make sure my attitude outwardly towards the child was not pressuring, but rather nonchalant, so he doesn't feel any coersion towards potty training, for that will really make kids dig in their heels..

BEST OF LUCK TO YOU GUYS!!!! IT REALLY WILL HAPPEN.

M. m

Have you looked at Dr Phils site on computer? He has a
very good toliet training section....worth a try. Apparently
it is very successful...Also you didn't say if the boy's
Mom is trying to potty train him....the same approach and
going back and forth could have something to do with it....
They say Dr Phil's works in a day or two....maybe the Mom
would also be willing to try it at the same time.
G. (Mom,Step=Mom,Grammy)

I know this won't help you feel better buuuuut, it won't last forever. Meanwhile, it's stinky, it's gross, and it sounds like you are dealing with two in diapers. I have heard of many methods, including letting them run around the house naked so that they can see how gross it is, and get the clue that it would be so much more pleasant to just go to the potty. Checking to make sure they stay dry through the night, bribing with candy or toys (5 m&m's if you can put your poop in the potty!). But my 3 1/2 yr old is speech delay, can't say when he's going, or needs to go, just when he's already gone. "Are you stinky?" "Yeah, stinky mom." UGH!

At least he's better than my sister's kids. Her oldest loves to take off her diaper and "paint" the walls and crib bedding with the contents.

I'm told that they won't go to college this way. But that doesn't always comfort as much as it should. If kids came with contracts, this would DEFINITELY have been written in small print. Be strong. If you thought you had to do it forever, it would drive you crazy. It's just temporary. Stinky, but temporary. :D

I'm no expert, even after 3 kids potty-trained and 1 to go. Each kid is different, but here is one more idea to add to your bank of options. My most recent toddler seemed to have the attitude you're describing: "Whatever! If I go potty, great. If I don't, great." I finally planned a fun outing and then said (not in a mean or threatening way, but in a very calm, explanatory way), "We don't want to have any accidents when we go to ______; that wouldn't work out very well for any of us. So, only people that know how to use the toilet all the time will go with us." You be the judge of how many days of dry pants you need before the outing. In our case, we set the time, and right before the activity, she went in her pants. We showed sympathy, but were firm, left her with a babysitter, and went without her. She did a lot better after that! Make sure the outing you plan isn't a huge big deal that signals the end of the world if they miss it (Well, I guess you have to stay home from Disneyland now...), but fun enough that they actually are sad about missing it. Have a babysitter "on call" for the planned day so that's not an issue at the last minute. For my other kids, one was awful with training pants like pull-ups--he would just go in them. As soon as we switched to real underwear, he quit having accidents during the day. I can't remember what worked with our other daughter. Dr. Phil suggests modeling the technique with a doll, throwing a good party after a successful bathroom use (for the doll) and then feeding the kid lots of drinks and letting them go from there, with the promise of a big party for them if they stay dry the whole day. There was also a "phone call" to a famous beloved character of your child's choice (Dora, the Wiggles, Thomas the Train, etc) if you can get a good friend or relative to play the part. For some kids, it seems like going #2 seems to actually frighten them and they'll hold it in so they don't have to do it on the toilet. I'm not sure what to do to combat that... Good luck!

Hi M., I am a mother of 5, all way past this problem now. What you need here is consistancy, something your step-son may not be getting right now. I would suggest setting up a meeting with not only your stepsons mother (or whomever has him the part of the week you don't) as well as any other caregivers such as sitters, etc... At that time map out a plan for further training...You might want to keep a journal for a few weeks to see at what times the child usually has his bowel movement as most people have them at the same times of the day, etc... Use the info you gain from the journal to then create a a routine for using the bathroom at or as near to his usual time for having a Bowel Movement and have all caregivers agree to follow the routine! I would not use negative behaviors or extra attention as it seems he is craving the extra attention and is willing to accept even negative attention created by his not using the toilet for his B.M.'s... During the newly created Bathroom routine I would suggest that you use positive attention type treats when he does have his B.M. in the toilet and not in his pants....ideas for this might be giving him an extra 15min that evening that belong to him alone (it doesn't have to consist of anything more than snuggling on the bed together or reading a book together as long as he gets his *special* time for being a "good boy"...after the baby is put to bed for the evening...Even when I worked full time I found that giving each child their few minutes of individualized attention as a reward worked wonders! Good Luck....I do admit that some kids can be very stubborn, however I do think your stepson's problems are only the result of his having to share the attention with his younger sibling! As soon as he realizes that he can get his special time alone with you and/or your husband he should change his behaviors and start having his BM in the toilet...oh...and keep up the reward program with other problems ... it does work!

It sounds to me like he needs some attention. Perhaps the new baby is making him insecure. Lots of praise and/or some kind of reward. It's not bribery it's (and the technical term escapes me right now). I have found that children misbehave more for emotional issues (like feeling insecure)than anything else. hope this helps. Suz

The way I dealt with this with my son is to put something really special in the bathroom on the sink next to the toilet. (small pieces of gum (chicklets) or something else really small and when he went to the bathroom and had a bm in the toilet there was a lot of praise and he got to pick a treat. Keep in mind, you will not be giving treats like this all day because I mean how many times can they go poo anyways. Another thing I did was when he made a mess in his pants, I told him he had to change himself. He had to take off his own pants and underwear. I cleaned him up but he had to help. He had to carry his soiled underwear and pants to the laundry. He got real tired of this because lets face it. If we do it all for them at 4 years old, they would rather just go in their pants than to take the time to go to the toilet.