Preteen Girls

Middle school can be brutal. If it's happening in her classroom, the best thing is to contact her teacher to see if she has observed this behavior and possibly to give you some guidance. Encourage your daughter to NOT say and do things to just be part of the group because....they will turn on her someday. She can't fight city hall but she certainly shouldn't stand around to witness someone being shunned and picked on because of peer pressure. Friends change w/ every year...sadly, the school year just started. I would keep the lines of communication open w/ your daughter. I would get her away from the caddiness and involve her with other activities where she makes other friends. If she is only doing things to be popular, that is a huge concern. Kindness, honesty and integrity comes first in my list of values to teach my kids. I try to teach my kids that "doing the right thing isn't necessarily the popular thing." There are times that doing the right thing and standing up for someone else is hard and people won't like you but, you still have to have integrity and like yourself. Being shy doesn't mean that she shouldn't have integrity. Role play with her, help her find the words and the courage to be her own person. Good luck.

My almost 13 year old niece is going through this but she is the girl that all the "cool " girls are suddenly excluding. My niece is very sweet and naive . She doesn't realize that the other girls are into different things . Like clothes, boys etc. These are the girls that will eventually be in the fast lane it seems. So my advice to you is are these the people you want your daughter to look up to and be like. And when will they turn on her? So I suggest you tell your daughter to be friends with the nice girl they are trying to exclude because she is probably your daughters only true friend.At least she should stick up for her and have her own opinion. I hope this gets easier for you :)

Man. I hated that time of my life. It's a rough time, and what's happening here is fairly normal. I just wish that when I was going through that, someone (a parent or someone I looked up to) would have said to me, "Nobody can tell you with whom you can associate."

Those are some powerful words. You should explain to your daughter this: the mean girl is telling her what she can and cannot do. Once she realizes the absurdity, I think she'll begin to realize that she doesn't want that.

I do think that it's possible for your daughter to find a diplomatic way to handle this situation. She could simply try to explain to the mean girl that she likes and respects her, but she can't tell her who her friends have to be. If it doesn't go well, at least she still has her dignity and self respect (and someday, the mean girl will come to respect that about your daughter—unless she's utterly heinous).

If I remember correctly, though, it's usually better to not hang out with those bossy girls. They tended to be the most self-centered.

Good luck!

Standing up to the bully is actually not the way to go. Bullies will react worse when someone stands up to them the way some people have described. They had some really good insight from the inside coming from the kid who was bullied, though.

Check out Jodee Blanco's website and definitely pick up one (if not both) of her books. She describes the worst case of bullying I've ever heard of (and she lived it!).

A few months back I sent the following response to another mom going through a similar situation with her daughter. I hope you don't mind my recycling the advice. Check out Jodee's website for her scheduled events; maybe you and your daughter can attend~

Bullying is starting earlier and earlier with children and we parents are usually wrong in how to deal with the situations. Our school district had a special assembly at the middle and high schools and a special presentation to parents given by Jodee Blanco who experienced a terrible bout of bullying when she was a child.

Please go to the following website: http://www.jodeeblanco.com/index.htm and go to your local library or a bookstore to get her book. Telling your child to stand up for herself or ignore them and they'll stop just doesn't cut it. Basically, she needs to not try to "fit in" with those girls and try to find her a new set of friends away from those girls. Get her involved in a sport or library, church, or park district program where she can find new friends. I really can't remember more suggestions she offered, but please find her book, Please Stop Laughing at Me, and you'll see that she knows what she's talking about. She's actually scheduled to speak at Heineman Middle School in Algonquin in October (see the site) and I highly recommend it. Many parents who attended were overwhelmed, some even in tears. It was that touching and real.

While on her site click on the Survival tab and she has tips for students, parents, and even educators (who've been in the dark for ages on how to deal with this, too).

Good luck!

Check out the following books - Odd Girl Out and Odd Girl Speaks out - both books cover the issues connected with girl aggression/peer relationships. A MUST READ for mothers with daughters.

J B

Schools have counselors to help with bullies. Your daughters friend is a mob activitor. If she tells everyone who they can and cannot associate with bacause she does not like them. She is also instigating unquestioned negative behavior. I would not want my child involved in what could become mob action. I do not know how violent this young lady could become or got others to become. I do not know if she would email stalk etc. The question is always there for me. I am a best case senero and worst case senero person. I would intervien. If this is happening on the school grounds not only should all parents be involved but the school needs also. In our school district the police reports would also be made. You need someone your daughter trusts to talk to her.

Good luck

I've got a 3 year old boy, so I'm not there yet parentally. However, I was there personally at that same age. I'm like your daughter was in that I was shy. However, I also decided that the "popular" girls didn't get to tell me how to live my life or dictate to whom I could speak. I didn't like the girl that was threatening me anyway. These girls attempted this with pretty much everyone at some point. The end result was that the unpopular ones ignored the popular ones and had fun at recess anyway! My advice to you would be to tell her that she has to live her own life and she's got to live with the choices she makes. Treat others how you'd like to be treated!

I agree with the other responders to your questions. She needs to stand up for herself and stand her ground. I would start by contacting the school's guidance counselor. I was a shy kid, too and it got to be too much for me that in college I suffered from social anxiety disorder.
It's hard enough in school. The last thing you want is
to be bullied. I would say the worst thing are cliques. It's so easy to fall or be left behind. Too much drama.

Deja vu for me!I am a teacher and am watching one of my middle school students I have worked with since 2nd grade through this exact stage. I started looking up online about a program that our school would like to start about empowering girls. It's called girls on the run. check it out online. I read the first chapter of a book the women wrote. Not sure of title but it's on the homepage with a yellow cover and it looked like a great read for pre/teens. I feel your pain! Best of like. Like everything...this too shall pass.