Problems with Mil - Ralph,AL

There's a couple ways you can deal with this.
You can try - and I KNOW it's hard - to not care - no matter what she says or does.

How do I know how hard this is?
Let me tell you - when ever MY mom came to visit - the first thing she'd do in ANY house or apartment we ever lived in - was to go stick her head into my toilets and comment about how clean (or not) they were - and even if I'd JUST SCRUBBED 5 minutes before she walked into the door - she'd wash my toilets AGAIN HERSELF.
Grrr.
We both acknowledge these days she has a toilet obsession due to a childhood issue she had growing up and there's nothing either of us can do about it.
But I digress.

Greet every comment with a laugh or chuckle.
If she wants to slave away and complain - just realize that she's not happy unless she's unhappy.
If you just accept that this is what she does and not allow your buttons to be pushed - you can probably have a real good laugh at how upset she makes herself.

OR - you can get familiar with your circuit breaker box and turn off the electricity to the washer, dryer and dishwasher unless YOU want to do a load.
Just imagine how she'd fuss and bother and load and push a button - and NOTHING HAPPENS.
Think of it as a child lock on your major appliances and she doesn't have access to run them.

OR mix up a pitcher of margaritas and relax.
OR schedule a getaway for you and the kid(s) and just not be there for the whole time she is there (run away!).

As you relax at the end of every day - just realize that in all probability you WILL outlive her - and someday all of this will be an interesting memory/story to tell your grandchildren when your child and in laws complains about your behavior.
I've granted myself permission to be an eccentric old coot when I get up there in years.
I'm more than half way there already!

Its only for a few weeks so the easiest thing to do is to try to change your attitude, which I know will not be easy. But I think if you confront her about it, the more she will do it because for whatever reason, she likes to see you stressed out. Be happy that she is cleaning the house! If she makes a snarky comment just smile and say, 'wow, that's nice of you to say' and move away. Do not engage and go back and forth with her.

If it gets really bad, tell her you need to run to the store for milk. Maybe go to the library instead and read something happy and then go home. Tell her they ran out of milk. LOL

I know how hard it is. A lot of us have experienced this and count the seconds until they leave. You just have to do the best you can and realize that she has issues, maybe mental ones, and you just need to be happy she doesn't live with you full time and there is an end when she leaves. Good luck!

My MIL used to do this because my husband would help me out (we share housework and meal prep) and she felt no man should do any. So it was a statement on her opinions. Which is fine for her. Not in our house though - men/women help out equally.

The thing is - I could have let it get to me. I could have thought "Oh she thinks I'm a terrible wife to her son, because he's getting the salad".

But I learned to let it go. To ignore it. That's HER deal.

Now, she came here once and cleaned my fridge. My friends all said how lucky I was. For me, it was a bit weird. True, it was probably gunky. But I get what you mean. It's your home.

I didn't analyze her intentions. I assumed she meant well. That helps. Your MIL likely means to be helpful. I know my mom will jump in to help because she feels like she needs to do something when she visits. She will do my sister's folding for example, if it's sitting in a basket. She will lay the table. She typically asks beforehand - so as not to overstep.

Perhaps she doesn't want to just sit while she sees you busy. Or maybe she feels she should contribute - as a guest.

I'd go with that. I find if it's something I don't want my MIL to touch - I'll say "Oh I've got it but thank you" then redirect her to something I could use her help with. Like watching kids or something.

It's two weeks - I would just have a glass of wine and it won't last long :)

Added: How does your MIL treat your husband? If it's like a child, then that could be where this is coming from. If she doesn't respect your boundaries. I had it out once with my MIL. I told her to back off (kindly). It was all it took. She still tries to treat my husband like he's 10, but not me. So be assertive - firm.

I suggest there are reasons for her to do this totally unrelated to showing you up as lazy. The first reason could be she's anxious about her husband's health and needing to be in your house. She may be trying to help to calm her nerves and/or to "pay" for your help. She may just feel The fact that her house is dirty would indicate that she's not being critical of your house. She wants to help or win your approval.

I suggest that if you are OK with yourself and your house, you could stop thinking she's doing this to you. She is annoying and the reason is less likely to show you up. Geez, she's only staying 2 weeks. Can you not just let it go? Even if she's doing it for the reason you say, what does it matter why she's doing this? It's your home and how you manage it is your choice. Be confident that you are OK.

No doubt, how both of you are handling this is related to past experiences and how both of you feel about your relationship. Now is not the time to fix it. She's only staying 2 weeks. Both of you are anxious and on edge. Focus on being compassionate.

I suggest both of you are feeling defensive about what each of you thinks the other one feels. Around and around you both go. I suggest that when each of you feels safe in the relationship, you will be able to say, she is who she is. I'm OK and so is she. Remember, you can only change yourself and your reactions. Could you be the first one to say, "I love you" and let go of proving anything?

For these 2 weeks, if you can't just let her do the laundry and dishes, sit down with her, over a cup of coffee and be direct. See the situation from her side, letting go of how you think she feels. Use I statements. Thank her for her help. Tell her you want to do the wash yourself. That you want to maintain keeping house the way you keep house. That bedrooms are personal and private. Please don't go into them. Say "please stop." Then tell her how she can help, keeping in mind that for whatever reason, she wants to keep busy. Perhaps you have projects she could do for you? Perhaps she'd respond to the suggestion she could do whatever she's interested in for herself. Think outside the box. Think together about ways the two of you could be more comfortable.

Another related idea is for you to let her do the laundry and dishes which then gives you time to do things you'd otherwise not have time to do. Perhaps leave the house for a couple of hours. If your son and his grandmother have fun together, go by yourself.

And/or you could plan things for them to do together. Take them both to the park, library, zoo or something else available in your area. Focus on helping all of you happier.

You are in charge of how you feel. She cannot make you feel lazy.

It's hard having someone else in one's space, and especially for a couple weeks, so I can understand why you feel apprehensive. I do think your best way to deal with the situation and to improve your relationship with your mother-in-law is to shift your attitude towards her. Instead of interpreting her cleaning and cooking as criticisms of you, look at them as attempts to help, to be a good guest, to have a purpose. If she hasn't said 'you are a lazy housekeeper' or 'why don't you clean up more?', don't read that meaning into her actions.

I'll share a bit of my experiences which might be a little similar to things your MIL feels when she is visiting you. When I am visiting family, I often feel a bit uncomfortable, like I should be doing something or don't want to be a burden. I also know that sometimes I get on my mother's nerves because I start making too many plans to cook food for her or am up and about too much. I'm used to doing the laundry a certain way, and she wants it done another way--and gets touchy about me doing it differently. I hadn't thought about it, but maybe like you, she feels like I am criticizing her way of doing the laundry.

Anyway, my point is that if you shift your interpretation of her actions from a defensive 'she is doing that to criticize me' to a compassionate 'she wants to do something helpful' view, you will feel a whole lot better and the two weeks will be much easier. It will take some conscious effort to do that, however it might become easier once you do it a few times.

That said, you probably will need to have some options in mind for the times when you are getting triggered or feeling angry. I liked the idea of redirecting her to some other activity when she is starting to wash clothes or clean obsessively. Come up with some expeditions she can do with her grandson or with her son--this is a great opportunity for them to spend time together (and have her away from you, when you need some space). Maybe they can go outside for walks (exercise would surely be good for your MIL), explore a park or creek nearby, have her take him to his school playground? Encourage your son to ask her about her stories from growing up, and you can ask too, if you need something to talk about with her. Being asked about one's experiences is a great way to make someone feel validated and good--and we can learn so much from the older generations. To take carer of yourself when you need a break, you also can go out for walks yourself, plan to get together with friends, excuse yourself to go grocery shopping, whatever.

Good luck with the situation, and perhaps it will turn out differently than your fears.

So it sounds like you and your husband have problems and the MIL is playing a part in that trouble. You don't say if your husband wants you to let your MIL do anything she wants in your life. If he expects you to give his mother the run of the house, then your husband is the REAL problem. And I suspect that this is the case.

If you cannot get your husband to listen to reason, take everything that is private that belongs to you that you don't want her to get into, and box it up and go put it in storage before she comes. Then go visit your own family and just let your husband and his mom have time together. Then she can wash all your husband's clothes over and over, cook without having anyone to complain to but her son, and you won't be told what to do. Stay busy with that 6 year old of yours and try to not think about your MIL while she is in your house.

Great answers below about adjusting your own attitude for your own benefit. If your MIL feels useless about not helping your FIL, or frightened about his condition/longevity, it can increase her anxiety. If she feels useless with him, maybe she needs to feel useful with you? Does she come from a culture or a background where a woman's worth is determined by the cleanliness of her house? And this is, perhaps in her mind, still HER house. Maybe she thinks you are going to judge her, since her other home is not neat?

What jumps out at me are 3 things: 1) You say you are "terrified" of her visit. That's telling me there's more going on here than just irritation. Perhaps you feel inferior or rejected by her anyway? 2) Your marriage issues are made worse by her attitude. That tells me that you and your husband are not on the same page about her, let alone about other issues. Does he not stand up to her as you would wish him to? Do you feel he has "chosen" her above you or that he is allowing her criticism of you? 3) "The only thing you can think of" is that she things you are lazy. Do you have other reasons to feel sensitive about that? Does your husband think you don't do enough? Does he not carry his own weight as far as household chores or childrearing go? If so, that could be huge source of your stress. If not, do you know why you let her opinion (whatever it is) matter so very much to you?

I think you need to get to the bottom of 1, 2 and 3 to be able to adjust your own attitude, let things go her way for 2 weeks, redirect her, enjoy the help, tell her it's her own choice to be so tired (but maybe she just wants you to say you appreciate her), or go do something else when she is in a cleaning frenzy. When you get those things figured out, you may be able to find a backbone and a sense of calm.

I think there are great suggestions below about getting her to play with your son or have outings with him or your husband, sharing her memories, even writing down her childhood stories to share with your child when she is no longer around or no longer has a good memory.

What your mil is doing is her deal not yours. She's doing things and then complaining because you are reacting. Let her wash dishes and do laundry every single day and when she complains that she's tired just say NOTHING. When she repeats it over and over again you won't hear it because after the first time you will have left the house for a nice walk around the block or to run an errand. If she want to prepare a meal then by all means help her but the minute she starts on something you are doing wrong tell her you are sorry and leave the kitchen AND THE HOUSE.

In other words spend as much time away from your house as possible leaving this woman to do whatever she wants. You can't control her actions so the only thing you can do is control your reactions to her.

I honestly think you are over reacting to everything she does. because you feel like you are being lazy. Your feelings to your issues.

I'm truly sorry you are going through this. I now have a great relationship with my MIL. Tyler and I have been married over 25 years. We've moved all over the place. When my in-laws would come visit in the beginning? It was tough. She had perceptions of how my home should be ran. Especially since we didn't have kids until almost 10 years into our marriage.

We went to lunch one day and I told her I'm VERY thankful for you coming to visit and your input into our family and home. However, this is OUR home and this is OUR lives. We are doing this together. Is it perfect? No. It works for us. We work out the kinks and adjust as we go along.

When Tyler was deployed the first time? It was tough. My parents were close by but working. My siblings were a few hours away. My MIL came out for a 2 week visit. I told her my expectations for her during the visit since we were all under stress with Tyler being in a hot zone. We relished every skype call we got with him. She saw with her own eyes I was capable of doing this. She needed to see it, I guess. Now decades later? We live less than 30 minutes from her. We see her often. We've grown closer over the years and even more so since my FIL died unexpectedly 2 years ago.

With your MIL? Set up your boundaries. Tell her what you expect from her. Remind her this is your home and you have a system, it might not be her system, but it's your system and it works. Stop pussy-footing around her and just let her know this is your home.

Welcome to mamapedia...

No one can MAKE you feel anything. You are ALLOWING her to get you upset.

Just take a step back and breathe. My mom did this when she was at my home. It was her way of keeping busy and her way of helping out. it's NOT an affront to you. so STOP reading into it.

The ordering you around? Well. You need to remind her she is a guest in your home. While she is family. She is a guest. She will continue to walk all over you until you stand up for yourself. Your husband needs to be on the same page as you and you are a united front.

Don't ask her to help in the kitchen. Have her play with her grandson.

You also sound VERY YOUNG (like 24) and VERY insecure. Stop allowing her to treat you poorly. She will until you stop her. It will be tough. You can respectfully stand up for yourself.

Good luck!

When a person with OCD/OCPD they can't function when things are out of place. They go into a room to get something they get distracted by things out of place, the end up having to straighten and straighten BUT to do that they have to move things around so they can put them where they belong.

So when they are so overwhelmed by the mess they're making they walk out and it's in a bigger mess. Pretty soon they are surrounded by messes and they can't cope with it so they stop noticing it, they shut down, they can't face what is around them so they start living in a single space and everything they need on a daily basis is at an arm's length.

In your mother in law's situation, your house is probably pretty organized, right? It's like a breath of fresh air to her. She can clean and put things up and feel normal and be helpful.

My ex mother in law had a spotless home. She lived alone and every single item was in it's place almost instantly.

I'd go over and she'd be a good hostess, offer me something to drink. As soon as I took the last sip of liquid she'd grab my glass, run off to the kitchen, wash it, dry it, and put it back in the cabinet, then come back to sit down and visit.

As a young adult I thought she didn't like me, that she thought I had cooties or something so she couldn't let my germs be in her house.

As an adult I realize she was used to living alone and everything being put up, that it was her nature to clean instantly after herself. So it was what she did even when she was home alone, not just when it was me.

We had to live with my inlaws for a while when my husband lost his job. My mother in law that passed away a few years ago would come to wash my clothes, reorganize my drawers, and more. It was her house so I felt really uncomfortable telling her to not bother my things. My husband was caught in the middle and it nearly destroyed my marriage.

I hated how she did my clothes. They'd be wrinkled and not hung up and faded from the bleach. My husband's clothes would come back with the shirts starched and pressed to perfection. His pants pressed to a knife edge and hanging perfectly. His underwear folded and organized. Seriously, my stuff came back in a laundry basket all jumbled up.

I miss my mother in law every single day. Because I figured out that she was truly trying to help. She thought "I'd" feel uncomfortable with her touching my undergarments and she didn't know exactly how I wanted my clothes hung or some thought like that.

I wish I'd have thought of her "help" like she thought of it. That she needed to keep busy and by doing things for me she was "helping" in the best way she could. I'd have dirtied more clothes and took them out of the basket and worn them wrinkled gladly, if I could just have even one more day with her.

I suggest you plan ahead.

When she's coming make absolutely sure all your laundry is done before she gets there. Every day while she's there gather the dirty clothes that she might come across. Ask her if she'll put them in the washer for you. After dinner ask her if she'd like to help you clean up the kitchen. If she's already in there doing dishes and stuff then go get an extra dishrag and wipe off the counters, clean the fridge, reorganize the plates and glasses or something. Feel useful but allow her to help. She's not trying to take your place, she's likely trying to help you in the jobs she knows are the hardest and that take a lot of time.

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I agree with Annette. I think it's probably nervous energy and its a way to calm herself and feel like she has some control over something. You said she's visiting because of FIL's medical issues. Maybe she's scared of his prognosis? No doubt she feels like she's a burden and she would rather be in her own home.

Try to help her use the energy in a better way. Ask her to teach you a recipe or sit together and work on a puzzle. Watch a movie, go for a walk.

Most importantly, relax and stop letting it bother you. It's about her and not you and honestly, she's going to go home soon. You cannot control anyone else, only your reaction.

Please stop taking your MIL personally. Seriously. Her OCDing about being clean in your house is not a statement that you are lazy. In fact, I suspect it's not about you at all. It's more likely something she does when she's not feeling comfortable.

Instead of telling her not to do things, can you channel her energy? Find something that has needed to be done for a while that you don't have time for, and ask her if she'll help tackle it.

And when she's doing something odd, keep reminding yourself that not everything is always about you.

ETA: I just read some of the other responses below, and it seems to me that MIL's behavior is not simply a product of her husband's current medical issues. It sounds like she's been this way for a long time and has done this to you before. It sounds like a power and control issue. Yes, she may be concerned about her husband, and that may exacerbate her behaviors at this time, but if you truly don't like someone coming into your space and trying to take over, you have every right to limit that. If she really wants something to do and you truly don't mind her doing some things, work together to identify a few easy projects to keep her busy (mending, comes to mind). You could also take her to your library to get some new books and magazines to read to help occupy some of that time. Ask her to play games, draw, or read books to her grandchild, or maybe take a walk with him or take him to the park.

ORIGINAL:

She does it because she can. I realize there are two sides to every story, but if she's even have as annoying as portrayed here, that would be enough for me.

So, you limit her ability to meddle. Kind of like toddler-proofing a house, except for mother-in-law-proofing the house. First, tell her firmly, (not defensively or angrily, just firmly) that she is not to go in your bedroom and get/do your laundry. If she does, start locking your door. Make sure she has no access to a key for the door. If you can't lock your door, lock the laundry in the trunk of your car. Really. This will send a strong message to her that she isn't hearing through your words, and it will also stop this one particular behavior that bothers you so much. Gather your son's laundry and put in in there, too, so the only laundry she'll be doing is her own.

If you really don't want her cleaning things, limit her access to the cleaning supplies. Put them out of her sight in the garage, or you could also lock them up as well.

If she wants to make meals, ensure that only very simply ingredients are around. When you're away from the house, don't answer the phone every time she calls you. Let her leave a voice mail, and if it's important (like the house is on fire, or something like that, then you respond). You don't respond to phone calls about how to make spaghetti sauce. You just do NOT engage in non-essential interactions with people like this.

If she says how tired she is, tell her to go lie down and rest. If she doesn't, that's on her.

When she orders you around? Remember, you're an adult. You don't have to follow her orders. I think you may be forgetting that and handing your power over to her. It's kind of like you're allowing yourself to be her victim in this case. Not saying she's not annoying, but you don't have to play this game, you know?

As for the criticizing? Nobody likes to be criticized, but it sounds like she does this because she knows she can get away with it with you. When she criticizes your methods, you can calmly, firmly say things like "This is how I make baked chicken. You can make your recipe next time." Then, let it go. Yes, that is very, very hard, but why engage with someone like this? If you know your house is clean, your family is well-fed and thriving, then her criticisms aren't accurate, are they? It's just her running her mouth. If that's the case, her continued criticism of you only reflects badly on her, not you. Reminding yourself of that can help you keep it together when she's doing this.

What does your husband think? Does he see this, or does she only do it when you and mil are alone? At some point, if she continues her constant criticizing, he should step in and have a talk with his mom.

Finally, the sooner you and your husband can get into a house of your own, you'll feel less like you're under her thumb.

Stay strong. You don't have to play along when she's acting like this.

MIL sounds like a piece of work. I think I would start by reminding myself that I can put up with most anything for a couple of weeks if it is in the service of family and my marriage. I would then decide if it seems worth it to have your hubby confront her on your behalf or should you just let it all roll off your back. I vote you ignore it, be a gracious host, and try not to take what she says and does personally. In the long term, I would plan on moving out of their house and you and your hubby get your own place. Also, I would ask yourself why you feel especially sensitive about being seen as lazy. Maybe it is something you struggle with and worry others see you that way too. I know that might be a hard question to consider but an important one. Whenever I feel especially hurt by a negative comment from someone it usually means there is some truth to what they are saying. Otherwise I don't feel as defensive and it is easier to shrug off.

All the work she's doing is keeping her hands busy, keeping her focused on physical tasks/work. Understand that is how some people cope with anxiety. I would have the house fully cleaned, and have all the laundry 100 percent caught up before she arrives. Try to stay on top of the things she likes to take over if it will ease your stress. You don't have to take orders from her. You can ask her to play a game with her grandson, take him to the playground, etc. while you attend to things at home. Take her to the library or craft store and give her the opportunity to attain a few things she can do at your home to just relax. Chances are, she's going to find a way to wash some dirty items, try to accept that and let it go. The bulk of it, you can try to get ahead and stay on top of it yourself. The complaining of being tired? I would offer to make her a cup of tea, and tell her one time she is welcome to take a quiet nap/go to bed early/sleep late. Any more complaints after that I would completely ignore.

Breathe in, breathe out. Seriously. This is a problem that you can solve. You can decide to be the loving daughter-in-law, allowing her great latitude in her behaviors and ignoring statements you don't agree with. Whatever you choose to do with your behavior and attitude can be a gift to your MIL, your husband, your child and mostly, yourself.

I am in no way trying to diminish the anger and frustration you have felt in the past. It is not easy having someone living with you, and in this case, someone who irritates the heck out of you. But you can do this and I encourage you to think how strong, how capable you are. Do not try to make sense of her behaviors. Do not worry about her. Be kind. I promise you, no kindness is every wasted. And you will look back years from now and be so very proud of how you welcomed her.

All my best.

If it's really this bad, then she shouldn't stay with you. Period. I know it seems harsh, but you don't need that kind of stress. If you think you can tough it out for a few weeks in the name of love (of your husband, family, kid being with gma, whatever it takes) then have your husband talk to her before she arrives and during her stay if necessary. Have him tell her that she needs to back off, etc.

sounds like shes doing laundry and washing dishes out of bordom and lack of knowing what to do, she may feel that she should do these things to repay you for letting her stay with you. can you send her to my house? i have a ton of laundry and dirty dishes that she could do, and i will willingly let her clean whatever she wants! my house is a mess and i lack the time to keep it super clean like i would like it to be.

Hi S.,

Bottom line with in-laws.........I handle my people and he handles his. End of conversation. Your husband needs to champion you and demonstrate that you are his first priority. If he fails to do so, then he's failing. May my dear FIL rest in peace. When he was with us, we rarely clashed, but when we did? My husband called him and sorted it out with him. Most of the time these were miscommunications and things were worked out with an apology and we moved on.

My brother's wife is very much as you describe your MIL. We've simply reached a point where we don't stay at each other's houses any longer. This is why God made Holiday Inn Express.....................

I don't mean to sound dismissive but you have the right to establish and maintain your reasonable boundaries. best of luck to you. S.