Pulling Myself Together

You sound really aware, and like you're trying very hard. Kudos to you!

I don't think anybody can do it all. I think we all try. I try. The difference between those who get overwhelmed and those who don't is that sometimes it's best to realize you can't be perfect (but not to stop trying). I still do laundry even though it's a battle I will never win, lol.
The list goes on and on. With 5 little ones every day is a battle of sorts. Always something. I come up short all the time but don't stop trying.

No one does it all, no one. Those who seem to, don't really - they just have the means to hire more help, that's all. This is going to be long but I hope it is as eye-opening for you as it was for me:

I went to the Massachusetts Women's Conference last week and attended a panel on Work/Life Balance, can we really have it all? Well I don't think it was the intent of the conference to say this, but the "successful" women on the panel were all lunatics. They were not relatable, at all. One woman was a senior executive who estimates that 75% of her life - including sleep - is work! She's divorced (no wonder, how can you tend to a marriage working that much) and her time with her teenage daughter was that at 5 AM (she gets up at 4:15), she goes and straightens her daugther's hair for her while she's still in bed, then bring her to her dad's house. If she sees her daughter before the end of the day (which for her is midnight - 4 hours of sleep) it's because she brings her daughter to meetings and they have take out for dinner there.

The second mom on the panel was a senior executive with 4 kids. She went on a week long business trip *TO CHINA* when her youngest was 2 weeks old. WTH?? Her answer to how to get the kids to school on time and dinner on the table was that her nanny does it.

The third was actually somewhat same but had no biological kids. Her three step kids were there on weekends so "motherhood" doesn't affect her career.

The fourth was the craziest of all...she and her husband owned a business and ran a successful charitable foundation so she was obviously successful, but wow. She said that maintaining your appearance was the most important thing you could do for yourself, your spouse, kids, clients and colleagues. She believed so strongly in this that she had a hair dressed come to her house to do her hair every morning at 7:15. Yes, really. And like the others, her nanny took care of everything at home.

You know what I learned from that panel? That if that's what it takes to make it to the top, no thank you! I'm happy with my mid-level job that allows me to actually see my family every day and spend time with my kids. That allows me to cook for them, and sleep for more than 4 hours a night, and take maternity leave. I'm happy with my messy home, with racing through the grocery store before it closes, with being 2 months overdue for a haircut. Just fine with late permission slips, and letting the lunch account dip negative every now and again, and having breakfast for dinner because I forgot to thaw the chicken.

You are in great company, so give yourself a break and give yourself some credit. Sometime when we don't have little people so dependent on us, we'll have time for the clean house, the updated files, the sorted mail, the bills paid on time, etc. Much of the parenting years really are spent in survival mode, particularly when both parents work. This part of life is HARD. When you struggle with your spouse, it's even HARDER (mine has bi-polar depression and a host of other issues that just add to the degree of difficulty). But it's also so, so good.

When I'm feeling totally overwhelmed, one of my first steps is to go to Flylady.net and just start with basic morning and evening routines. Then when I'm back into a groove with those, I add more to the routines - and suddenly, the overdue mail is actually sent...the 6 months of dust on the ceiling fan gets take care of...the box of summer flip flops that's still in my mudroom will get put away...the lightbulb that's been out in my stove for a year will get replaced...and I'll start to feel less overwhelmed and more on top of things. Baby steps.

Do go ahead and have this discussion with your doc and don't be afraid to try medication if he suggests it. Nothing wrong with using what's available to help yourself! Best wishes to you - please know that you are not alone!

Ooo, I'm sorry you are so down on yourself. What an amazing job you've done keeping a family together through all that change! Why on earth are you putting a person down that has done all you have? You would never do that to somebody else whose tried hard and had some hard knocks and still has a family. You, my friend, are a surviver!

This surviver in you needs some down time. Your senses are always on alert, fight or flight. Some meds can give you a more realistic picture of real risks and your real skills you bring to life. Stop the perfectionistic merry go round, its time for you to get off.

Not only do you deserve meds but some counseling is in order. If the things that have happen to you, happened to your child, how much would you do to make sure she was healthy? You would move heaven and earth. Do the same for that child in you.

Your energy will come back when you can settle into the wonderful "good enough". Perfection is an illusion. Let it go. Find your joy again. Chasing perfect is a symptom of anxiety and the result is depression. Take care of yourself.

You need some 'me' time. Exercise is a good way to get it. Get out of the house and walk or exercise to DVDs or something on the health channel or at a gym, Y, or yoga studio. Exercise will help you to decompress and to use some of the pent up anxiety. After exercising 3 times a week for an hour or so for about 2 weeks you will feel so much better.
No one has it all together, I don't care who it is. Their home may look perfect, everything in it's place etc but their relationships may be troubled or if you look in the oven find a stack of dirty dishes and a mound of dirty laundry hidden in the closets. Do not beat yourself up if every thing isn't perfect. Honestly nothing in life is perfect. Perfection is an illusion.

Take a long deep look at your life. Are you happy in your marriage? Do you live in a decent home? Is there food in the refrig and cupboards? Do you have a group of supportive friends. If you can say yes to most of this then be satisfied. If you say no to parts of this work on where your life is lacking. The trick to having it all is being satisified with what you have.

Hugs to you! Goodness, I think we've all been there at one time or another.

You are on the right path by starting with a doctor's appointment and I'm sure that must have been a difficult call to make, but you did it!

I'm with you on the veg time- somedays, it's all I can do to put together a decent meal for the kids and make sure that everyone has clean underwear. When I feel overwhelmed, my 'go to' action is to make a list of everything that needs to be done.

When I do this, I feel like I'm getting out of my system. Sometimes, I look at my list and think- gee, it's not as bad as I thought it was! Other times, I look at my list and think oh my gosh, how will I ever get all of this done?? :)

So then I prioritize. For some reason, I am highly motivated by crossing things off of my list! I get my calendar updated, and get organized, even if it is only to get me through the next day. Hey, it may not be much, but it's a step in the right direction.

If you have 10 bills to pay, deal with the first three that are the most important and schedule on your calendar when the rest are due. Then go do something with your family. You get the idea...

Finally, the most important thing I decided to do was let go. That was the hardest part! My house isn't as clean as I would like it to be, but it is clean. My meals may be simple, but they are healthy and shared as a family around the table.

You can do this. Make a list of questions and concerns for your doctor's appointment so you can stay on task. Most importantly, please keep us posted! Let us know how it goes!

I give you permission to bombard us with daily questions. Hopefully, others will agree.

While counseling is great, you only see a therapist weekly. Those sessions will conjure up more questions that will make you want the week to fly by so that you can address them. Also, the hour flies by with a therapist. Hence, you can use us!

Additionally, search up an old friend on FB who loved you. You need a comfortable place to land.

Good luck.

I would definitely talk to the doctor. Maybe meds will help. Anxiety and depression are often results of hormonal imbalances, NOT something hat is just in your head. There is absolutely NO shame In being on medication. I have known several people who, after finally making the decision to seek a doctors advice, wound up getting treatment in some way or another and it helped them tremendously.

Anyone who says they can do it all LIES! I do not care how together you are, you just can't do it all. Don't be so hard on yourself. I am 63 hubs 70. Kids all grown and married or out of the house. We watch our granddaughter who is 18 months old. It is Christmas. I feel like I cannot do it all. What happened to me. I had a 3yo, 2yo, 1yo and newborn and felt more together, well kind of. Not sure I really remember those years.

Financial problems are a biggie. I would bet that's where most of your anxiety is. Been there too.

No shame I getting so e help. Hang in. Better days are ahead. You are aware of the issues and seeking help so you are ahead of the game. Hugs to you.

I just wanted to throw some encouragement your way. I know what you meaning by wanting things perfect. But perfect is a word that changes according to the person using it. What do you consider perfect? I know my world is not perfect but it is the best I can make it. And I also know that feeling of overwhelming when trying to do it all on your own. I also take care of EVERYTHING myself even though my husband is here. It can get very crazy at times. There are lots of times I think: if we had done this instead of that... But what's done is done and time to move on from there. Anxiety takes so many forms and if the doc thinks it may help, look into it, Try it if you think it could work for you.

Well, frankly, it just sounds like life. There are seasons of good and seasons of bad and we have to make it through. I know when I feel like it's too much going on and I'm overwhelmed, I go in shut-down mode. I mean literally I watch tv and do nothing else until I snap out of it. The family eats hot dogs and burgers and hamburger helper for a couple weeks. Its ok, it's like a grieving process to work through and then you get back to "normal". My husband is opposite. When he stresses out he goes into Turbo mode and gets everything done...nice for me! lol But stress for him. Maybe some counseling and meds will help you. In the mean time, just do the basics. You don't have to dust the entire house every day, pick your battles and keep your sanity. Figure out some coping skills and get a better outlook. There is a saying something like, "If we all threw our problems in a pile, we would take ours back once we saw everyone else's". Talk to the doctor and see what they say. It will get better for you. Good luck.

Another thing that might be beneficial is looking into Thought Field Therapy (TFT) and/or Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). Both are safe, free, and can be very effective. TFT, EFT, and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy) have been used to treat military personnel who have PTSD and other emotional trauma. From what I understand though, TFT and EFT are easier, faster, and more effective than EMDR. The developers of TFT are even sending people into war torn nations to teach locals how to do this "therapy". Here are a few links (also do a search and you will find all kinds of info and videos).
This one gives credence to the benefits of TFT...
http://www.trauma-pages.com/s/tft.php
Dr. Mercola
http://www.mercola.com/article/mind_body/thought_field_th...
Here's a video of how to do TFT. The woman is a bit awkward but she gets the job done. There are other good videos...just don't have time to look right now.
TFT
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=g8nF8rdDxGs&desktop_uri=...
Another one...EFT video
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TRq8o1MEUtU

My daughter had extreme emotional and physical trauma due to her early life in a foreign orphanage. We've been through all kinds of therapy (neuro-therapy, etc) with her and now that she's a bit older, we are starting TFT and EFT with her now. I'm excited because I know this therapy will be beneficial (I've experienced it and it works!).

Another thing...maybe sit down with your husband and share what you are going through. Take the time to talk about your needs and his needs...and what can be done to make sure all of your needs (and his) are met. It will take some compromise but it's usually doable. One of my daughters therapists talks a lot about making sure everyone's needs (in your family) are being met. Anyway...that's a good place to start.

Best to you, L....and hang in there. :)

Anxiety is insidious and creeps up stealthily. It's great you're seeing your doctor. You can look forward to feeling better! I know the horrible feeling of not wanting to open the mail when finances are tight. Even now I've got it under control I have to force myself to open bank statements.

Cut yourself some slack, be the best mum you can be, and see your doctor!

Great advice below.

Forget perfect - it doesn't exist. As Osohapi says, it sounds like life. Get the anxiety meds if you need them for a while, do some exercise and get some down time, if possible.

It will all work out much better than you thought it would. Try not to worry. Stop beating yourself up - you're normal.

Oh man, I look like I have it together, but I feel overwhelmed quite a lot of the time. I don't have anxiety though, thank god. My mom really struggles with anxiety and I keep waiting for it to hit me like it's a genetic thing. It sounds like you are a bit of a perfectionist. Don't forget to take care of yourself. It's ok to not be perfect at things. It's ok to just do some of what you need to do. I struggle with this too. I guess the right thing to do is 1. talk to your doctor about not having energy and feeling overwhelmed and 2. start seeing a therapist regularly. Who has time for that though...but I think it would really help you. Anxiety, panicking, and feeling worn out...that is a bad combination. I have heard it is really common for people to have chronic anxiety and depression caused by stress. What helps me is to make lists. Make lists of the things you want to get done in life. Narrow it down to what is actually realistic. Let some things go and be ok with it. You and your husband have to take care of each other. Have him take your son at times (on a regular basis) while you do something just for you. A regular exercise time or a time to go meet up with a girlfriend. Exercise is a BIG one here. If you can regularly do an exercise class it will help you feel so much better. Do you tell your husband how you feel? When you make your list, break it down and give him half of the jobs on it. Split doing things with him. Stop doing it all yourself. He needs to step up and help more. It's just plain wrong that you have had to do all the moving. I would have flat out refused on that one. Make sure you are being fair to yourself and don't try to do it all. Things that help me when I'm overwhelmed...going for a run, going to the YMCA, taking the dog for a walk with a girlfriend, having a gin and tonic in the evening and letting my husband put the kids to bed, meeting a friend for a movie or drinks, telling my husband he is in charge of dinner, reading a book, taking a bubble bath. First thing though is go talk to your doctor. Don't give up!

I am so glad you are seeing your doctor!! anxiety is not just panic attacks...and don't let it build until you are in that place.

What you describe sounds like pretty classic GAD (generalized anxiety disorder)...I am NOT a doctor, so take that with a huge grain of salt...it may not be that it could be low thyroid or some other medical issue.

But reaching out and getting help doesn't mean you are weak!! it means you are strong enough to admit you need some help and then finding it!!

BIG HUG!! Keep us posted!!

We all have had rounds of what you describe. I have moved several times as the military wife and making sure that all is packed and shipped even if hubby is there.

You are going to have to make some lists for you to keep order and get things in place. It will take about six weeks for the routine to feel natural. Plan duties to do daily so that you take small bites out of the big pie. By the end of the week, things will start to change. The more you do the routine the better it will be and you can tweak it.

Find time for yourself without the family so that you can recharge your batteries. A worn out person cannot help another. Remember the airline about the oxygen -- yours first then theirs.

Talk with your doctor about what is going on. If you need to take an anti-depressant for a bit, do it. You might have a chemical in balance and it needs to be adjusted. Make a list of the things you want to discuss and have them ready when you see the doctor. Remember doctors usually give patients about 10 minutes a visit.

Stop trying to compare yourself to the neighbors or coworkers. Just do what you can and know you did your best.

the other S.