My daughter is 26 and just was jilted by her boyfriend of 3 years, the past 9 months of which she was sharing apartment with him. She is very fragile emotionally and I am worried about her. She is already in counseling. She cannot find a sustainable job post-4 years graduation from college. She feels like a failure in every way and now with her relationships. She moved back in with me and her father recently and found out that boyfriend already has another girlfriend which totally took her by surprise and she is in shock. How can I console her without smothering her. I just want to take her pain away. This isn't the first time this has happened, she just can't seem to find the right person for her, and is so indecisive about her own life. What should I tell her, other than this hard time will pass in time.
Thank you to everyone and all of the words of wisdom. I have found a lot of advice here that will help me to help her, maybe even give her your messages for her to read. It is amazing how many people are out there that care enough to answer. Glad I found this site. Will let you know how it turn out. She is trying to find a plan for herself, has thought about going back to school to get a degree in social work, her real interest, even talked to financial aid about it--but she has such a heavy loan from the first 4 years of a worthless degree for a job (english-not teaching) and I will not help anymore in that regard. She is on her own in that department now. It is a crying shame the burden these colleges put on kids with their high priced tuition and housing-like they think it is normal to be in debt the rest of their lives! Makes me mad, but it is so the way of the world now. But anyway, that is off the subject. Thank you for all of your support and thoughts :)
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There is nothing you can do, she needs time to heel. There isn't anything you can say or do to take the pain away. She needs to learn that she doesn't need someone to make her happy, she is responsible for her own happiness and if she can find a man to share it with then great but don't settle.
BTW we have the same screen name
if i could go back and change something and still get the life I have now I would tell myself to travel...take a semester overseas...dont be so hard on myself for having to have a plan for the future or being worried things wont happen on my timeline and instead SEE THE WORLD because one you do have a full time job and place to pay for it's too hard and you cant when you have kids.
I would tell my daughter to be productive, maybe volunteer somewhere for a few months, I would help put up the flight money to get her there...or i would tell her to look into taking a course overseas.
Encourage her to think about the fact she's made her life open to all possibilties now and should take advantage of them=)
also she wont have to pay back school loans if shes in school and can get deferrment or forbearance until shes stable
I haven't read any other responses, but what I would tell her is it's okay to grieve the loss of the relationship FOR A PERIOD OF TIME. But when that time is over, then it's time to strap on your boots, roll up your sleeves and dive into life. Just take a baby step each day - just one. It won't be hard, because it's baby steps, but before you know it, you'll look back and see how far you've come. Again, just in baby steps. And, as for a lasting relationship, men are attracted to self-assured, responsible, independent women - at least good men. So, take those baby steps, stop looking back, and before you know it you will have made many large strides in your life - both professionally and emotionally!
Good luck to her. It's hard, but I'm sure with your support she will be able to pull herself out of this!
I just read your SWH..
English majors have tons of jobs they can do.. Good Heavens.!
She can work for a publishing company, be a copy writer for an advertising agency.
Publications.. Magazines, local papers.
She can work in a law office.
Medical office.
Work for the school district in administration.
Please, do not assume she has no skills. She obviously can write. She is organized enough to finish college.. That is what people are having such a hard time finding.. People willing to WORK.. So many people want to be paid, but not willing to do the work.. Get her to start a Blog.. That way she can show she has not quit using her writing.
Sure it will not be much in the beginning, but if she is a go getter and stays on task, heck she will move up in no time.
Our daughter was given projects at the non profit that took people weeks or months to complete and got them done in 1 day.. They were dumbfounded. They called her a task master, because she never stopped and worked so quickly, she was making everyone else realize, they were not working fast enough.
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Let her have a mourning time. Let her talk. Listen and just comfort her..
Try to just let her know her feeling are normal and real. Let her know this is more about what he needed, not a reflection on her.
Remind her that people change and grow all of the time. Some people grow together and others grow apart.
Then help her make a plan.
Resume
Work search online, word of mouth
Volunteering - Our daughter Volunteered at a Non Profit last summer and Now that she graduated.. She is temping for 2 women about to leave for maternity leave.. The nonprofit has already offered 2 different full time positions.
Fair money with lots of opportunities to learn skills and make contacts. She even has a serious job title..
Also this is a political year.. Working on local and national campaigns is an excellent way for her to meet like minded enthusiastic young people. She could start immediately by dropping by and asking how she can help.
Make sure she is getting good exercise.
Ask her everyday, what have you got planned today?
Not to be nosy, but to get her to verbalize what her goals are each day.
Again, many ways to make great contacts..
She could look on craigslists just to see what is available for temp or part time job.. Not so much for the money, but to get her out and about.
here in Austin for instance.. There are TV shows, Movies being made all of the time.. Sometimes, they call for auditions of just "normal" people.. I have friends that have gone, just for fun and gotten small parts, or were part of a crowd scene!
Also people here on MP are always looking for helpers to watch the kids. To drop or pick up their children from school, activities, etc. People may need a house sitter, pet sitter, etc....
Where are her friends? Like the ones from college that she was closest to?
Could you send her on a trip to visit one or 2 of them. They could perk her up and give her some support or suggestions.
Aw - I feel sad for her. I'm not sure if there is anything you can tell her right now. She's feeling down and beating herself up and no matter what you say she's going to feel the same about herself. My best advice is to try to keep her busy so her mind isn't just focused on the negative.
I think you need to accept you cannot take her pain away. I am sure you already know that but I feel like it needed to be said.
Thing with my older daughter was the more I tried to help the more annoyed she got with me so I just sit there and let her vent, let her lead, and consider my words carefully when I answer her questions.
Taking a break from men for awhile might be a good step for her right now.
Oh can I relate... A boyfriend I loved desperately when I was 29 broke up with me "because he never wanted to get married". Not sure now but last I heard he was 44 and still not married so likely some truth but I dind't care at the time. I was devastated. My poor mom had to listen to me cry and cry. I was doing very well professionally at least but it was hard. Looking back now, it was so foolish. He's kind of a loser and would have been a horrible husband and father. Part of what upset me so much though was worryign I was NEVER going to get married and have kids. 29 seemed so old!! So give her lots of examples of women who marry at 35 or 36 and have several children. She has PLENTY of time. She may also benefit from an antidepressant if she's at the point that she just cries so much for quite awhile now. I know it helped me see things more rationally. ie: still lots to live for!! Tell her this is the time to work on HERSELF. Most men long term love a woman who is an individual, who has interests, who has things to offer etc. My husband dated someone who he said had nothing really going on. Nice and all but no idea what to do. He finally had it with her, told her why and he said she upped and I thnk went back to school or took some big trip or did something cool that changed her from just letting life pass her by. He didn't want to get back together with her but it did improve his opinion of her a lot. Sorry she's goign through this. I dread seeing my daughters go through it...
Ugh, I feel for her. There isn't anything you can do to take away the pain but some things that might be helpful:
-don't say "You'll find someone else. When your heart is broken, you don't want someone else. You want THAT person."
-let her lounge/grieve for a little bit then see if you can get her busy: go for walks (with or w/o you as exercise is a good mood lifter)
-let her be for a bit
-turn on the comedy channel for a bit when she's in the room as though it is for you and you're watching it. Laughter is good medicine.
-try to get her mind off of things by keeping her busy: a new hobbie you do at home (think of something SHE would act but YOU do it & see if she'll join in
-see if you can get someone other than yourself (when we are kids we always think mom doesn't know anything), like a cousin, to ask her about her dream job & see if they can slyly motivate her
-rent some funny movies (nothing w/a love story!!!!)
-turn on the cooking channel. nothing bad happens there. It can just be
mindless tv to fill some time
-do you belong to a gym? See if you can get her to go once with you. That might motivate her to go alone once she feels those endorphins kicking in.
A few very quick thoughts: Twenty-something is a still a YOUNG adult. You're not supposed to have it all figured out yet. Or, let's put it another way, I sure didn't. And, it's healthy and natural to grieve for a broken heart. You can't take her pain away -- I get the sense you know that -- but you perhaps you can send the message that it's natural and appropriate and *right* not to have it all together in your 20s. Look at the HBO series "Girls," for example.
BTW, after reading some of the responses, I don't think of my own life as an example for anyone, but I was an English major. At 26 I was working at a bookstore for minimum wage. I was, I think, out of one relationship, into another. Certainly nothing stable. Today, 15 years on, I'm the managing editor of an academic quarterly. Happily married, living in a cute little college town. I most certainly do not have all the answers, but it is possible to build a stable life with decent values. Even if you majored in English.
Counseling is a process. It takes time for the wound of a break up to heal. It takes time to forgive yourself for the role you played in the break up of that relationship.
It is time for her to reinvent herself. I would get her a journal. In that journal she can write down where she wants her life to be in 5 years, 3 years, 1 year, six months and the steps it would take to get there.
Instead of looking for a job could she start a business. The goal is for her to discover more about herself. She needs to also consider the kind of man she would like to have a lifetime with and consider the type of woman she needs to become to attract that kind of man. She needs to get out of the house and meet new people, get a hobby, join a group, volunteer.
Now is not the time for a pity party but to celebrate life while she is doing introspection on herself.
You can help facilitate this by asking her some open ended questions. Ask her questions like what is her plan for her future. Get her to write it down and give it back to you in about 5 days. Ask her what group of people would she like to help and to volunteer. Helping others is very healing for the person doing the helping. Ask her how she is progressing towards her goals. Require her to pay you some form of rent and help out with the house work. She still needs to contribute to her life while healing. Don't let her wallow in self pity. Her pitiful attitude toward herself may be part of the reason why he broke up with her. No one wants to be around someone that is depressed. I know I was depressed for years and had to seek counseling to snap out of my malaise.
My heart is breaking for your daughter.....just be her Mom - lots of good food, hugs and unconditional love. If she is feeling indecisive, you could be there in the background sort of validating her decisions or encouraging her so that she at least get going in one direction - she can alway change course but to succeed to you have to get started....please don't be the enabling parent who ends up supporting their 40 year old child because they have mom and dad to take care of everything.......
Steer conversations to focus on what she wants out of life. Where she sees herself in the future. How she plans to work on bettering her job prospects and have her emotional needs filled. It sounds like she really needs to put on her big girl pants and make some decisions instead of letting life happen.
My 2nd daughter fell into 1 meh relationship after another. The guys were all ok but just not the correct fit for her and her personality and goals. She did far too much adjusting to fit into their life with little change on their part to fit into hers.
Once she stopped looking for 'the guy' a really nice friend of a friend happened to start talking to her at a party and they started to hang out a bit. He was sweet, well centered in who he was and accepted her for what she was. Hopefully they'll be living happily ever after.
My older sister was the same way around the same age. She was 27 when she moved back in with my parents. Me being two years younger than her, I was already married with 3 kids, built and owned a home, and had a successful career. She was having trouble with her failures and my successes.
She took a solo vacation to Jamaica and came back ready to push forward. She spent a year by herself and then met her now fiance. They went through a LOT of bad times, but they are so happy now and it's great to see! She will be 32 in Mach and they are getting married in November.
Just tell your daughter the right person and job will come for her. It's not the end of the world, just a tough spot.
It is hard to break up with a long time boyfriend... we all know this. When we are growing up its the end of the world!
When we get older, it feels the same; we just can not sit and eat pizza and eat a gallon of ice cream.. We could, but the weight gain would just add to the problem...
You need to let her know that you are there for her and will listen -only listen - when she is ready to talk. When I have difficult times, I know I can count on my mom to be there for me and listen; letting me rant and rave and not judge me. Then when she sees that I have calmed down a bit, she will ask me if I would like to hear what she has to say... sometimes it hurts to hear it because we know the motherly advice is usually the truth.
She has done nothing wrong. It was him that was the 'scum of the earth' that has hurt your baby girl. You may want to go and tear this person apart for doing that and you may want to tell her what an awful person he is and that he will get his in the end, but remember that he was at one time the love of her life. I dont know if you are the hugging type of family, but if you are, hug her and tell her that when she is ready you are there to listen.
Then later, take a day and have a 'girls' day'...go out for coffee - or ice cream, see a movie, buy an outfit, go get your nails done - JUST HAVE FUN.. remind her that she is a strong beautiful woman and that you expect her to be that strong beautiful woman you created and brought into this world...
Good luck!!
Advise her on focusing on herself. Tell her to accept the fact that it'll take a while to get over the hurt and that suffering is totally normal. In the meantime, she should channel all her energies in finding a career she'd like to pursue, even starting with deepening an interest or a hobby should help. She also needs to update her degree-related knowldge, so she needs to take classes. There, she might make new friends, focus on her objectives and, in no time, she'l get herself back, but better. She'll get out of this as many of us did, the journey will take her far in a more in-touch-with-herself way, the next boyfriend will love who she has become and he'll be the man she really wants and needs. Tell her to have faith and confidence that all will work out if she starts from herself. This is a great opportunity for improving.
It is hard to break up with a long time boyfriend... we all know this. When we are growing up its the end of the world!
When we get older, it feels the same; we just can not sit and eat pizza and eat a gallon of ice cream.. We could, but the weight gain would just add to the problem...
You need to let her know that you are there for her and will listen -only listen - when she is ready to talk. When I have difficult times, I know I can count on my mom to be there for me and listen; letting me rant and rave and not judge me. Then when she sees that I have calmed down a bit, she will ask me if I would like to hear what she has to say... sometimes it hurts to hear it because we know the motherly advice is usually the truth.
She has done nothing wrong. It was him that was the 'scum of the earth' that has hurt your baby girl. You may want to go and tear this person apart for doing that and you may want to tell her what an awful person he is and that he will get his in the end, but remember that he was at one time the love of her life. I dont know if you are the hugging type of family, but if you are, hug her and tell her that when she is ready you are there to listen.
Then later, take a day and have a 'girls' day'...go out for coffee - or ice cream, see a movie, buy an outfit, go get your nails done - JUST HAVE FUN.. remind her that she is a strong beautiful woman and that you expect her to be that strong beautiful woman you created and brought into this world...
Good luck!!
