Rejection of Daddy

My 2.25 year old seems to have the same issue and has since birth. I don't have much in the way of advice - when I leave the two of them together they are fine, just like you say, but when it's the three of us she always wants Mommy. THe one time I've managed to get her to "pick" Daddy is on Sunday mornings. I always make a special treat for breakfast - often popovers - and she gets to sit in our big bed with Daddy while they watch TV (she doesn't get to watch V normally) and she really likes that!! She seems to look forward to it very much and he really enjoys it as well. Other than that she always want Mommy but maybe if you can find one thing you can get her to do with Daddy while you are around that will help.

Good luck!

Hi S.,
As a mom of 7, with both boys and girls, I just wanted to say that this is a totally normal stage and as difficult as it is for the non-favored parent, it will pass. This is the age where kids really start to identify with the same sex parent, so it's a healthy identity issue. Your daughter is relating with you b/c you're a "girl," and she's beginning to identify herself with that. When she is secure in that the stage passes. The more fuss is made over it, the more drawn out it will be, and the more confusing for her. I have five sons, and I went through this with each of them as they started to ID with my hubby. It was very difficult for me to not take it personally, esp. considering that I was the primary caregiver, making all the little daily sacrifices. But it passed. However, my older daughter definitely ID'd more with me, and now is again as she is preparing to enter her teen years. But in between times, she developed a normal, healthy, loving relationship with her dad. It was hard for him, and is getting hard again, but it's just a normal part of life. My younger daughter (18 mos.) is just starting the Mommy phase. If your husband can realize why it's happening and that it's not personal, it should make it a little easier to take. With that being said, tantrums are not acceptable and should not be allowed, as long as they aren't provoked by constant forcing of the issue with her. Hope this helps. I've read a lot of really helpful books about this stuff, mainly from Dr. James Dobson. Good luck to you. Too bad parenting doesn't come with a manual! :-) One suggestion I have is to make Daddy "more fun" for awhile when the three of you are together. Ie. Mom does the dishes after dinner, while Dad and DD play a game or read a book in the kitchen. Mom can interact, but is not totally present, so thus, Dad is the one doing the activity DD will be interested in. This can be hard on you, but could help them. Or when you go out to eat, Dad can be the one who gets dessert to share with DD, while Mom just has coffee. Heck I should try that. It'd be good for my waistline! :-)

It is a stage. Really. You are right on schedule. My husband and I used to joke about a scene we once saw in a grocery store: a bedraggled mother with a sobbing 2.5 yo screaming 'I don't love Mommy, I only love Daddy!' And we knew we'd be there one day. It didn't make the pain hurt any less when our now-almost-4-year started in with this routine. We are just barely seeing the other side now.
It is an exercise of power. They are small and mostly powerless, so this is something that can be used as leverage. And chances are she'll bait and switch who she prefers at some point. It is wearing, but just keep being loving and consistent in you discipline. Your husband certainly should NOT discipline her less in fear of rejection, but should maybe consider new approaches. It is a tough time. But this too shall pass.

I have a 2.5-year-old son and we have been spending a lot of time recently helping him understand what behavior is acceptable and what is not. He needs to be a "nice boy" and to use "nice language." Granted, all toddlers throw tantrums and just shout out what they want from time to time, but in general, I think it's an important time to learn what you expect from them. Along those lines, I think both you and your husband should explain to her that you are a family and you do things all together. She needs to know that you find it unacceptable for her to try and push your husband away and that it's "not nice" to try and push Daddy away. If she's in your arms, then I would put her down and say that's not nice, we love Daddy and we're doing xx all together. I also think your husband should not let it bother him (or at least not let it show). Best of luck!

Hi S.- I have the same issue with my daughter (also 2.5 yrs old). And she has shown a strong preference towards Mommy since birth so it is something we have always struggled with. She loves her Daddy and does enjoy being with him, but during times when she feels the need to exert extra control or is just overtired or hungry or whatever, and if we are all 3 together, she will show a lot of the same behaviors you describe. It is very frustrating for both of us- I definitely understand what you are feeling! We use a sticker reward system for good behavior in general, and we statred incorporating a "Daddy sticker" into this system. I went online and was able to print a picture of the two of them on small stickers and she gets to put one on her chart whenever she does something with Daddy- like lets him change her diaper, give her a bath, etc (things she often demands that Mommy do). This has worked pretty well, especially in the beginning. She still does a lot of screaming for Mommy from time to time but it isn't as bad as it once was. We've also started to be more strict about things...i.e., when it is Daddy's turn to put her to bed, that is it- we do not stray from this plan no matter how much she screams and whines for Mommy. Sometimes I just leave the house to force them to be together and then when I get back things seem to be fine. I hope this is helpful- good luck!