Ripping Books and Love &Logic

Do you know why he was ripping his books? Sometimes you have to find out why first. The only way you'll know if it's okay to give him his books back is if his "why" has been addressed and fixed.

Every human being, child or adult, has a "why" for every behavior. If you find out the "why" then you'll be able to change the behavior.

My daughter destroyed books at that age. Some kids just cannot help themselves.

I think removing the books is a good idea for PREVENTION reasons, not as a consequence of behavior.

I put all paper books out of my daughter's reach, and just left board books in her room. I was able to find some really nice board books that were appropriate for 2-3 year olds --nice long stories, etc. She could play with those, while anything that could easily be destroyed was put out of reach.

When my first child was little and wanted to "help" all the time I let him rinse dishes for me while I washed. While it worked awkwardly it made me mad sometimes with the things he would do. It got to the logical point that any benefit of rinsing the dishes was wiped out by my frustration. I realized for him it really wasn't a big deal so in order to reduce the stress in our relationship we stopped washing dishes together and found other things more age appropriate. I understand your love of books and sharing that with your child but he is not ready to be responsible for books as he falls asleep or for 50 books in his room. I have a Sunday school class and 5/6 year olds are told constantly to take care of their bible. They still have problems remembering. I would not deal out consequences for something he is too young to really comply with. Just logically remove that kind of responsibility for him. I am all for love and logical consequences, immediate, rational, calm, nonguilt producing consequences, ie you tore your book last night here is a stuffed lovey. This parenting thing is hard! But you are asking the right questions and have his best interest at heart so you will do beautifully.

Cheerful M makes a good point. Is he verbal enough that you can ask him about it? Even if he says "I don't know" maybe a few additional questions will help you figure it out, like "do your hands need something to do? do you like the sound of the tearing paper?" etc.
My youngest is anxious, so in addition to reading at night she has always had paper & markers, or a journal, something to write/draw with. Maybe your son needs something like that to relax and unwind?

At this age he shouldn't have books in bed to fall asleep. It seems pretty likely that a book in bed with a 3 year old who is going down for the night or nap is going to end up a ripped book. My advice is to change the ritual to reading right before bed with a parent and the books go to their bed (bookcase) for the evening and he can go to sleep with a little more durable lovey like a teddy bear or stuffed animal. This will take some getting used to but this seems the "logical" age appropriate thing to do.

Honestly, I'd just get him some board books -- unrippable. Some kids just get destructive at bedtime, and you can't logic them out of it -- their brains are half shut down already, and they're beyond reason.

So, board books at bedtime. Not as a punishment, just as a way to share your love of reading with a pooped-out, wound-up kid.

ALL my kids were book rippers. It drove me mad. I just had to keep the books out of their way until they learned to hold them without ripping.

when my son was 2 he went through this phase also. i remember the daycare ladies gently suggesting to me that i 'share' books with him so he could 'experience' them in their 'proper venue.' i was so offended but now i find it funny. i was reading to that kid in utero! he never went one stinking day in his life that a book was not 'shared' with him until the day he moved out!
i really really love your gentle, logical approach. what a thoughtful mama! unfortunately it may not work with a boingy 3 year old, at least not yet. rather than take away all his books, why not let him go to bed with ONE, and make it one of those sturdy cardboard ones. i think a goal so futuristic and nebulous as 'if you keep these in good shape' doesn't really mean much to a dwelling-in-the-present toddler. and bear in mind that this is the sort of thing he learns as a process, not something he'll just *get* in one day. so think less about reward and punishment (not that you're doing anything punishing) and more about what he CAN do that's age and stage appropriate.
i certainly don't think you're misdirected. i think you're a really insightful mama. you're just making too much work for yourself. any child who owns 75 books is in a great home. but like you, i could never HIDE all my kids' books! just make sure that he only sleeps with indestructible ones, and if that doesn't work, get him some very very cheap ones that you have no intention of keeping, and tell him he doesn't get to sleep with his faveys until he's learned to treat them gently.
good luck, mama!
khairete
S.

Is he ripping them on purpose or just turning the pages and they rip. When my kids were young I remember my oldest wrecking books just by accident and I decided to not worry about it. Hey the point is that you want them to like to read books. Get a bunch at garage sales and let them read away. My three are all adults now and all voracious readers. I'm pretty sure they no longer wreck their books (lol).

It sounds like to me that he has a need of some sort. I think you need to get to the bottom of what that need IS. Demanding that he not do it isn't going to take away the underlying problem, and I think you should try to figure out what that problem is.

I would talk to your ped and ask for advice. Perhaps he or she would have some ideas for things you can allow your child to do to take the place of tearing books would help "work out" this issue with them.

When my nephew was around 3 years old, he would cuddle with his parents, grandparents and other adults. When he cuddled, he would "pinch" their arms. It wasn't a mean pinch - it was a way of comforting himself. My MIL let him because when she asked him why he was pinching, he said "I need to pinch." (Of course, the next day she had a bruise the size of an orange, and after that, she didn't let him pinch anymore, LOL!)

The thing is, his mother realized that fussing at him about the pinching wasn't fixing the problem. He had a need she didn't understand, so we talked to the ped about it. He asked her several questions, and there were other things going on that between them AND the pinching, pointed to having some sessions with an occupational therapist.

It really helped. A LOT.

So, I think that you should consider thinking along these lines. I would really consider this if I were you.

Dawn

The logical consequence to ripping books is to not have books. I think your plan is right on.

Yes, it would be helpful to find out why he's ripping books. Then you might be able to redirect his behavior but in the meantime do take away the books.

At 3 he's not cognitively able to comprehend this. He's also too young to be responsible for paper books. That's why at age 3 they're supposed to be using the board books. They can be torn up but the parent can usually get them to stop before they do too much damage.

It's also your job for the consequences to be appropriate. I do think that at 3 he's too young to be punished for a torn book but taking the books away when he's older would certainly be a good choice for me. If you truly think he's that advanced then go for it.