Rock Bottom Yet?

Why do you need his permission to sell stuff? You do all the work and you pay all the bills. Start selling the stuff that you don't need. What is the point of having it if you don't use it and it can help pay the bills. Why are you leaving the house? The bills are still going to be there and when you get back you will just have to clean up his pig-mess (which will make you more angry). Are there any bills that you can cancel (get rid of cable, landlines or cell phone, internet). Call the companies that you owe and see if any of them will give you an extension. Sometimes, they will do that or at least disregard the late fees if you call them.

has he tried the geek squad in best buy? if he doesnt have a career then he should at least have a job. my man lost his job and went to wendys and worked there for a week til a better job came along. anything is better than nothing aand i cant seem to understand how some dont understand this. if it were me id be calling up your cell and internet and cable and anything else and telling them the situation. if you have agreements with them and it would cost more to turn it off than just pay the bill ask them to just put a hold on your account with them til he gets a job. some may ask you to pay a small holding fee (like $5) a month but its something. maybe once he realized its boring to sit at home all day he'll go looking for something and not be so picky.

OK--if my husband was at home, I'd chew off my own arm and beat myself with it! PLUS you have lots of stress from the finances right now.
Job or no job, you SHOULD sell stuff you no longer need/want/use! Why not? He probably took it as a personal attack, but logically it makes sense.
When times are tough--Dave Ramsay has great strategy for dealing -- pay mortgage, light bill, essential utilities and let the other stuff SLIDE. Yes, there will be late fees. Deal with that later. Seriously, pick up O. of his books for step-by-step what to do when there i too much month left at the end of your money.
AND you husband needs to get A job, ANY job. Now. And keep looking for his next "real" job.

You're in Maryland. Take his resume and contact the Navy bases. I know PAX River is there and Quantico Marine Base here, there is an AirForce base in DC and Army. SOMEONE will be able to guide you to the veteran's Taps and Tamps class or get you to the education center. THere they can tweak resumes and even help with jobs.
We have a friend who is also a NAvy vet and so unhappy with his current job but can't find anything else. So he is hanging on, also IT, in Texas.
Can he get a Government job? Depending on his retirement rank he could walk in as a GS 9-10.
Also tell him that divorce is not the answer. You are not leaving, but he needs to step up and get some things done.
Maybe make a list, today can you please call the bases around and see of they have a veteran's services office?
Then tomorrow have him send his resume's to them. LIttle baby steps that he can do.
Call his mother and get her involved.
And buy a crockpot.

R.,
I don't think you went overboard. But I do think you handled it wrong. You both are in a stressful situation. You said yourself he's never had to "get" a job.

I think he's going through a tough phase. Perhaps he needs to hit up old military friends in his field. Has he submitted his resume to USAJobs?

Talk to him about what you need. You need for him to get a job, any job. He can temporarily work at Target or something like that. Then ask him what he needs. He might need softball to prove his manhood. At a game, he's still the man he was before he lost his job. Maybe get him to show the kids a few things about the game.

Can the kids stay at your parents house without you? You know like a vaction. Then you could work longer hours or a part time job. And spend time with your husband to work together through this situation.

You're in tight spot right now but you're in it together. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.
K.

Wow! Well, I can tell by your last statement of him being a good father and husband usually, that a lot of this post was a well needed venting. You are, however, in a very dangerous situation. First of all, try not to let this explode in front of the kids. They will obviously be in for some serious changes soon, and you may not have the power to stop what's coming, but you do have the power to shape their perspective of what's happening. PMS and softball aside, facts are facts. You have to make a decision RIGHT NOW about what to do next. If there is not enough money for anything past August's mortgage and you have already tried to work something out with the mortg. company, then it's time for you (with... or most likely without your husband), to make some temporary arrangements. DON'T wait until you have no money left, because with the money goes your options. If you feel comfortable spending some time with your parents, then make it a "fun" visit for your kids and let your husband know that you have done all you can and you now need him to try to resolve some of these issues while you are away. He is obviously overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do next, probably because his every move has been worked out for him in the past. Without anyone to rely on, he might step up to the plate and suprise the heck out of you. Stay gone long enough to give him the chance to do something. But be prepared and use your time away at your parents' home to make a back up plan...just in case you come home to find unwashed laundry, dirty dishes, utilities cut off...etc. Realize that you have to be responsible for your childrens security and that it apparently means making decisions that your husband won't make with you. If he won't discuss this , then write him a sincerely heartfelt letter (he will have to read it and can't argue with you if you're not there), put your rings back on, sell the power wheels and extra furniture and get yourself away to clear your head so you can rationally and logically make the decisions you need to make to preserve your childrens' future.

Money issues can tear apart a couple no matter how strong a couple you think you are!! I agree that he needs to "man up" and start taking responsibility for helping you out. Maybe this will be a wake up call for him. If not, you really have to ask yourself if you are able to keep up with this type of atmosphere in your home and consider the fact that the kids will start to see the tension between the two of you. It sounds like you need to sit down and tell him exactly how you feel and what you expect. You need to be a united team, and a lot of men need it spelled out for them, my husband included. My mom always tells me, if you don't specifically tell him or ask him what you want, they won't know, and us as women usually just expect that they would since they are also adults-but unfortunately they don't. Make him sit down with you and develop a plan that both of you are comfortable with. Good luck!!

R.:

I am a recruiter - please contact me personally so I can take a look at his resume and see what we can do for you guys.

I'm sorry you are PMSing - however the stress of having one income when your family budget is not set up for that - then it's just WAAAAYYY overboard.

Lawyers would cost $$$. Sending your kids off to your parents, even with you - isn't going to make the problem go away.

I'm on the fence about overboard - you have a ton of stress on you. It's not like it's just the two of you - you have kids to take care of too.

Sell the stuff that you can get money for - if he doesn't like it - too fricking bad - you MUST have food and a roof over your head. And you are TRYING VERY hard to keep that going.

Financial stress almost always causes personal stress. I'm so sorry you're going through that!! Your points made me thing of Dr. Phil where he's grilling these husbands that don't work because anything besides their "dream" job is beneath them......Any money is better than no money. He may not find his "dream" job today, but stocking shelves is money and money is money when it comes to keeping a roof over your heads and food in your babies tummies. It sounds as if he's having a good time playing "his" games and what kid wouldn't, but unfortunately he's not a kid anymore and he needs to grow up and put his big boy panties on.

Never never never never (did I mention never?) make ANY big decisions or moves during pms week . Never. Wait.

Being without a job is very scary for anyone and even more so for men. When my husband was out of a job for 10 months I said all the things you are saying now. He looked haphazardly. He wouldn't accept anything out of his current line of work. He wasn't ready to accept a job at less than half his previous pay. Yes, I did say less than half!

All I can say is be very careful the way you present your case. I was hard on my husband and he's never forgiven me. He feels I was a biotch during that time. He feels that I was unsupportive. I felt like he was lazy. But in truth, when my husband is faced with something he is scared of he gets lazy and makes a lot of excuses and procrastinates. I don't think it's really that abnormal for a lot of people. I'm glad I've never been through it!

I think we may have the same husband

Please do not make decisions like separation or divorce when it's such an emotional time for you. Your body is going through changes, your job is adding stress, your children are about to go to school, so I'm sure you're looking at clothes, shoes, school supplies, etc. Please stop writing about leaving him. This is what it means to go through sickness and health, richer or poorer, etc. He's acting out because I'm sure his ego is crushed, he's stressed, etc. Some men don't become proactive under such stress--they retreat. The relationship will need a hero or heroine. You can help him by not pushing. I'm sure he's aware that there's a mortgage, food, bills, etc. This is a really bad economy, and there are tons of folks competing for the same jobs. Both of you will have to be patient and exercise extreme frugality. Instead of everyone running away, once you're back from the job, you might be a bit calmer. Try not to get angry that the house isn't cleaned, bills addressed, etc. And try to encourage him. How to survive, try to readjust your mortgage to a lower rate, if possible, you and Dad can eat simpler meals like beans, rice and fruit; let kids eat bigger meals. Or eat things like tacos, salmon and rice, spaghetti--whatever can stretch. Turn off some utilities and if there are any luxuries-cable, cell phones, Internet--cut them off.

Dear R.,
If he is basically a good guy, then as hard as it is, I would say to try to have the conversation when you aren't angry (as hard as that is). First, I wouldn't take the softball away from him because guys lots of times feel really badly about themselves when they are out of work and that might be helping to hold him together. Second, ask him to do some specific things in the house everyday (SPECIFIC) to take the pressure from you. Third, try to think together creatively about work for him. He's probably as frustrated as you and that's why it is blowing up so badly.

why are you doing all the housework, laundry and cooking if he's at home? no wonder you're ready to punt him to the outer orbit.
oh yeah, you answered that already.....you have let him get away with it.
so, pms or no, you have to put your foot down about what you will and won't tolerate. and guess what? if you tolerate him being a big kid while you do all the grown up stuff, you can't then wonder why he acts like a big kid while you do all the grown up stuff. it's a shame he's not stepping up to the plate (ha! softball metaphor!) more, but he is what he is and if you've been allowing it for a long time, it shouldn't be a surprise.
so draw your lines in the sand and KEEP them there.
that being said, it does sound as if he has actually been doing some looking and trying and is probably as frustrated as you (even if he's not handling it better vis-a-vis kids and house.) so he is making an effort.
i agree heartily with the others that he needs to get SOMETHING, anything, until the 'right' job comes along.
pickles and cheese aren't the issue. lack of appreciation is. and terror over financial disaster surely is (and i get it, destitution is one of my primordial fear buttons.)
yes, you need to sell stuff, and yes, it would be okay to go to your folks' for a bit if you guys need a break from each other, but no, you can't go like this. it needs to be something you sit down and discuss when you're not both fuming, and you've had a big bar of good organic chocolate.
he sounds like a good guy and i suspect you love him kinda a lot. but you need a break, and you need to take a stand as to how you rate in this family.
khairete
S.

I have reread your post twice. Why has he not applied for unemployment? it would at least help out some of the stuff.

I know I am late with this but I wanted to tell you that my friend was in the same situation a few years back. Her husband was an overgrown kid and he REFUSED to grow up. His "softball" was his band. He would buy speakers, a new guitar, etc. but hand her $40 for a week of food for 4 kids and the 2 of them. Then he would complain when they ate mac n cheese and hot dogs. She and the kids were stuck in the house b/c they had to sell her car and she couldn't work b/c there was no way she could ever afford day care for 4 kids (hers, his and theirs). For her Christmas was the last straw - she kept asking for $ to get the kids SOMETHING for Christmas. She borrowed $ from people and put a few things on layaway and he promised to pay it off before Xmas. Xmas Eve she went to the pawn shop and sold her wedding rings and got her layaway out and food for Xmas dinner. December 26th she told him to get out and their divorce was final a year later. Just know that you aren't alone in this situation. It sounds like your husband is a better man than my friends' based on what you said but you guys have got to work this out before you end up where she was. Financial problems are the #1 reason for divorce. The only other thing I would add is send the kids to Grandma's if they can go for a little while without you. They don't need to be around all of this stress! Good luck to you.

I feel for you! and I dont think its wrong if you want to take your kids to your parents for awhile. When I was 8 mnths pregnant with my son. My husband was looking for another job (he never did find one but he did get a small raise and more hours at his current job) he knew we needed the money but he never wanted to go out looking. he always complained about it even though he knew he was going to be the only income for us (we cant afford childcare so that I can work) I packed a bag and told him that I was going to my cousins and when he grew up and started thinking about supporting me and the baby to call me. He told me that he didnt want me to go that he wanted me and the baby and him to live under one roof as a family. I told him there was a difference between being a family and playing house. so he started looking for a job. its sounds like your husband just needs something to help him get his priorities in order

Take a deep breath and try to relax. You're obviously going through a lot and it's been building up for a long time. I would have blown a gasket a long time ago. But I do think you're going overboard by taking the kids to your parents house, unless you just have the kids go visit for awhile, while you stay home and concentrate on what you're going to do.

As far as hubby and a job, you say he looks all day and resume is everywhere, so that would indicate he is looking. Keep in mind that jobs are not easy to come by. It's time for him to do something... even a minimum wage job just to keep some income coming in until something permanent can be found.

Financial problems is the main reason why couples fight. You obviously have a strong marraige and are just going through a very difficult time right now. You need to communicate. Ask him what his plan is for August and beyond? Of course he won't have one, because he has no clue as to you financial difficulties. Show him the family budget. Calmly discuss your ideas. Decide together what absolutely needs to get paid and what type of things you can cut back on.

I wish you the best.

I know PMS, and I know it can change you. So please try to relax.
Running away is not the answer. Staying together and working things out TOGETHER is the answer.

Try to communicate more. Talking things out will help. Give hugs and kisses.
I know that this is very stressful times right now and you two need each other more now than ever before.

Life will get only harder if you leave.

Try to communicate, communicate, communicate.

God bless you and your family.

You are not alone in your thinking I am I sure there are underlying issues that you two have for your to "take off your rings" and him to "tell you to leave" If you don't manage the environment at home what is the worse that would happen? You’re stressing out, it seems, because you want him to be on equal playing field and I am sorry to tell you that men just can’t do this. If you take the kids to your parents then what? What are your expectations of the outcome?
Since you have no legal documents stating custody your children can go where ever you take them, he can call the police on you even, and they will do nothing so remember this you BOTH have equal rights to them. With that out of the way you have two choices:
Stay, you married this man for a reason, looking past the financial for a minute and try to find out what the underlying issues are for him. Other than nagging him have you talked about his plan for employment? As an IT person he can accept a contractor position that he doesn't like while still putting his feelers out there for something better. While he is unemployed leave the day to day running of the house to him, if it’s not done your way Don’t criticize, even if it’s not done at all.
This is what happens when you have "expectations", your husband will not measure up and you will go through this unhealthy cycle.
Leave, and deal with the impact. Remember though that EVERTHING you do in a relationship is being taught to your children. If you fight dirty, you taking off your rings and him to telling you to leave, and there is not follow through, then your children will see this as how to deal with conflict, ideal threats.
This is getting long but talk to someone about the underlying fears and you'll find that as you ease up your stress level will too

Know that you are NOT alone. Last year I was you. Hubby was laid off. I had received notice. We had no money. I cashed in my company stock to pay the bills. He argued with me about NOT going to the unemployment office and NOT filing for benefits. I told him to think again. He finally swallowed his pride and filed. It took about 3 weeks for money to start coming in. Even then it was less than half of what he was making before, but I didn't care. It was money for food and bills.

I also turned to my roots and put my faith in the fact that God will provide what I need. Four times, as I was facing the decision of what bill not to pay, the answer came in the form of an unexpected money transaction. From a refund check showing up in the mail to us being able to sell something fast. Once a bill was covered with only $0.12 left, but that was okay. The bill had been paid. God had provided. That is how I live now. Based on what my family NEEDS today, not what we would LIKE to have.

I also gave hubby a deadline. If he didn't have a job by date X he needed to go back to the grocery store job he had left. They were still interested in him. As the day approached, he had two interviews. The first was working outside at a construction site. The pay was more per hour than our decided, 'must have'. After the interview, he decided that he didn't really want to work outside all day. My response was to suck it up, because it met all of his requirements, and it would give us extra money. His response was 'No.'... 'YOU need to do this to support your family'. ... "No. I won't'. I was shocked and hurt. I'm from a family where the man of the house ALWAYS did whatever needed to be done to support the family.

Luckily (for him), a few days later he had a second interview with a different job. They offered him the job, he accepted, then called and told me. His pay is less per hour than we had discussed. Again I was shocked.

In the long run it has turned out okay. He works mostly inside. HE now takes the kids to the sitter. He has a 15m commute vs. 1h. His truck can go a week on a tank of gas instead of every few days.

My advice is to have him set a date. He needs to expand his work options.
As for the bills. There are basics that you MUST have. House, Food, Insurance. Electricity.
Cut the cable off. Downgrade the internet. Down grade the cell phones. Everything else can wait.
Good luck
M.