Seconed Child guilt...will It Get Better??

First off, you are still in the hormonal phase, and you are exhausted from a newborn, let alone a fussy one. So you may be extra sensitive here. Try to give yourself a break.

Every 8 year old (and 6 and 12...) has problems with a new baby. Let's face it - newborns are a pain! They don't do much even on perfect days, and if they have colic or medical issues, it's worse. So the fact that your daughter is disappointed or irritated is not a reflection on your, your husband or this new baby.

It's okay for kids to experience disappointment sometimes - it's preparation for life. Sometimes we work so darn hard to make sure they are never unhappy, we actually deprive them of the chance to be disappointed and see that their world didn't end. That goes for new babies, rainy days, teachers/coaches who have policies every child might not agree with, friends who excel in a particular area, not getting everything on their Christmas list, not being able to ride a bike the first or 12th time, and so on. So your daughter is learning what every 8 year old should be starting to learn!

This is also a good head's up for her that having a baby at 15 or 18 is not going to be fun and games - it's a 24-hour job and some days are nightmares. I'm not saying to give her that talk now, but keep it in mind going forward as your little one gives her (and you) challenges. And there will come a time when your tween and teen daughter will annoy the little one, so it will be payback!

I do wonder why your daughter spends so little time with her father. If there's a problem there, that's one thing. If he's not interested, that's another problem. But if he's a decent father to her (as terrible as he was to you), it might be good to let her have more of a relationship with him and be less totally dependent on you. You are close, yes, but you are her parent and not her friend, so she needs to learn that for herself now and for her adult relationship with her own children. Her teen years will be terrible if she expects you to be her friend (when you need to rein her in a bit), and if she doesn't begin to separate and form more enduring friendships with peers.

I do think you can avoid including her in everything with the baby - she needs to do 8 year old things, with friends or her father or her stepfather. It's okay. You can also have her invite a friend over and you bake or make pizzas together - then if the baby is having a bad day or not napping, they have each other and you can direct from a distance.

It's hard to bond with a fussy baby when you have another child. Spend time with him alone if you can and stop worrying about your daughter every second. You didn't have a second child or even a spouse when you had your daughter, so you definitely established a closeness, but sometimes that's not always good. I think each of you has to find your own way here - she needs time without you, you need time without her, you both need time together without the baby (when he is with your new husband), and your and your husband need time alone when both kids are with a sitter.. Try to make those separate relationships happen without guilt.

I understand what you are saying because I have had friends with difficult babies and your same situation.

I interpret what you are saying about including your daughter in everything you can with the baby differently than some of the other posters. I read what you're saying as meaning that YOU are missing this special growing time with you daughter because of having to spend so much time with your baby. And yes, that your daughter misses it too, but YOU are the one having a hard time adjusting.

If I were you, I would get a babysitter or Mother's Helper for your baby. You need to spend time with your 4 year old. She will not be this age again. And you can't count on having the same experience with your son. A Mother's Helper/babysitter can be in the house with your baby while you are baking or outside with your daughter, and can watch the baby after you nurse while you run to the grocery store with your daughter.

If you take a break from your son, you will also have an easier time being with him when he is difficult.

It might help if you think about all the great life lessons she'll learn by having to "share" Mommy. She's learning that she is not the center of everything, that other people matter, too. That's not to say that you've done anything wrong or that she feels entitled. She's a kid. She's going to be somewhat self-centered. But this is a great age for her to learn more about the needs of others.

It's not easy at first, but it would probably be good for both of you if you could start leaving the house more. You can really take the baby just about anywhere. And you will learn how to juggle both kids (and how to nurse in public).

It was a big adjustment when your daughter was born. It's bound to be an adjustment having 2. I personally had a harder time going from 0 to 1 kid, but I've talked to many moms who said it was harder for them to go from 1 to 2. So you are in good company!

Yes it does. I have a five year old and a six month old. Our older one has been largely indifferent towards and mostly kind to the baby. I suspect we'll face some rivalry as the little one gets more mobile.

I'd encourage you to teach her some easy chores like folding laundry, loading and unloading the dishwasher, making sandwiches. It will occupy her time, lighten your load, give her a sense of self sufficiency and pride in accomplishment and most importantly free up time for fun.

Best to all of you.
F. B.

I actually didn't include my kids in everything with the babies. They weren't that interested to be honest, especially at that age.

Is there a little friend she could play with? Or could your husband take her to a kid place for you if you have to stay with baby, or could he watch baby while you and she do something for an hour or two?

That's what I did. I handed off baby as often as I could and did just small outings - even just to get an ice cream - without the baby. So that their lives didn't completely turn upside down because of the new one.

I also would let hubby handle newborn in evenings so I could watch my kids' movies with them in evening. So I could give them their bath, etc. and read our books. My thing was reading Harry Potter to my older kids and my husband would have his time with the baby.

As soon as I could, I toted baby around with us - so it wasn't about baby, it was baby is coming along to older kid stuff. I get with the tummy issues it's hard. But hopefully that will pass soon. It does get easier :)

You and she need to do some things together sometimes that are not baby related at all.
This is when you get a baby sitter or relative to watch the baby so you and your daughter can still have some one on one time.

J.,

Congratulations....now you need to breathe. Stop trying to Wonder W. and do it all.

Your husband needs to step up to the plate as well and take care of his son as well. You will need a break from him, I know that's sounds tough, but even the best mom's need a break. You can schedule time and leave your husband to take care of him - cranky and all - and be with your daughter. It's possible. You just need to allow other people to care for your son.

Yes. It does get better. He won't be 8 weeks old forever. He won't be cranky forever either. Your relationship with your daughter is going to change. You aren't her best friend, you are her MOTHER. You will need to parent her. Teenage years are coming quick!! You don't wat to be her friend then. You want to be her PARENT.

You are doing a great job in keeping her involved. She needs to learn how to do stuff on her own too. She can play independently.

You will continue having a hard time adjusting if you don't trust your husband to take care of his son. You do NOT have to do it all.

Good luck!

I always let my kids have friends over whenever possible. We didn't really have any kids in the neighborhood so I usually had to set it up with other parents but it was so worth it. Busy kids playing with their friends are happy and out of your hair. Win win for all.

I'm a bit confused, doesn't she have friends? At nine she should be spending time with kids her own age, not so much time with you. Even if she's home with you during the summer doesn't she see her friends from school? Go to the pool? Do any camps or classes? My girls had had friends over two or three days a week during the summer, or they went to a friends house or I dropped them at the pool. Yes we spent time together too but even without a baby I still had chores and housework and shopping to do, I really didn't even think about entertaining them or feeling guilty about anything because they were busy and happy most of the time. Summer is time to play with other kids, they don't get enough of it during the school year, let her do THAT.

Oh sweetie! You need to hug yourself.

Not sure what type of tummy issues he is having but this feeding schedule is crazy. have you talked to the doctor? My son had similar issues and we discovered I wasn't producing enough milk. I started using formula and it was a miracle how quickly he became a happy little guy.

Next, your daughter needs to engage with her friends. Friends and activities need to be arranged for her. She doesn't need to be included in everything regarding the baby. That might backfire.

Relax. Everyone will survive!

Just remember...having a newborn is temporary! Things will change drastically the older your son gets. Don't feel guilty. Have a mom-daughter outing once every month or so (pump beforehand so the new baby can have a bottle or two while you are gone). Have friends take your daughter on some fun outings or have her over for more playdates with her good friends. And don't forget that the older your son gets the less of your time he will take up.

There isn't any reason you can't get a babysitter and do some special things with her. The baby isn't old enough to do all this.

I know, everyone thinks that's callus. But seriously, in times past the moms came for the first few weeks to help and the "village" made sure that things ran smoother. Women who have to go to work put their infants in full time child care at 6 weeks. That baby is away from them 10-11 hours per day. They survive. They don't have abandonment issues. Letting someone else watch the baby for a couple of hours here and there isn't horrible.

We don't have to be our infant's constant companion. Also, this infant has a father that is responsible for his care. There is absolutely no reason dad can't take the baby off your hands for the whole evening so you and your daughter can go spend some time together.

Now I'm not saying every day. I'm saying a few hours per week should be hers.

Wow! That feeding schedule in your update is exhausting! It might be a good idea to save some breast milk for a bottle that Dad can give when he's home. Great for a rest for you, great for time with your daughter, and super great for Dad and baby bonding.

ooh what a tough situation to be in.

Lots going on in your household. Please don't beat yourself up. He won't be an infant forever and he'll be a year before you know it!

Schedule time with her, like a date. Have your husband watch his son.

You've got this.

Hi,
Yes, it will get better. Before you know it, your baby will be a toddler, and then a preschooler. Time flys so fast, don't wish it away! As far as your daughter, I can promise you that making her your number one priority in everything will only cause her to feel a bit entitled later in life. I am sure that she has friends, and you can remind her that although it may not seem like it, one day she and her brother will be the best of friends. (my 2 oldest were in their teens before this happened, but I reminded them of it all the time. They are inseperable now)
You will eventually find the time to spend one on one with her again, and believe it or not, you will get to spend some quality time with the baby too. (which is just as important) Don't forget to make time for yourself as well, because you can't take care of anyone if you are not making time for your own mental and physical health.
I promise you, before long you will be thinking back to this while you drive your kids from one friends home to another, wishing you could just hang out at home and hopefully fit in a board game between the baby's naps or feedings. Give yourself a minute to get used to being a Mom to 2 kids, and you will bond with your baby. It will get easier, we seem to adapt pretty well to multitasking!

check out kellymom. com for breastfeeding advice to help your lil guys tummy troubles, and once you straighten that out you can start him on a breast milk bottle and leave him with daddy 2x as long and take your daughter out for some mommy time.
talk to your daughter about needing recovery time after the baby and that once he is a bit older you will be able to get back to being with her more.give her special jobs to do when theres something she can't help out with and do something with her like a board game or read a book together while baby is feeding.

I know exactly what you are going through as I have been there. It does get easier. My oldest was 7 when I had her sister, who also had tummy issues (BIG TIME). I didn't figure it out until almost 7 months but she had a milk allergy. You may want to look into eliminating dairy from your diet and see if that helps. She also had horrible acid reflux.

You need to find a way that you and her can go out just the 2 of you for an afternoon once a month. Not often but enough to let her know you are still engaged with her. My kids are now 13 and 6 and I have a great relationship with my 13 year old when she is not driving me crazy with her attitude. We actually have taken up running and walking together just the 2 of us and it is a great time to find out what is going on with her and to have some heart to heart discussions. We have our moments, but the underlying trust and bond is still there.