Seeing Dieing Grandmother

When I was younger my paretns gave me the choice...I chose to see my grandfather to say goodbye (I was about 8). I wouldn't require they be there more than they are willing.

Take care of you. Take care of your husband. Take care of your kids.

In a nutshell, that is it. Your husband's mom is dying, and when "mom" dies, somehow we tend to get lost, because we can't "run home to mom" anymore when it hurts. That emotional child inside us loses its mom and one of the stabilizing influences in our lives. I have watched a lot of people cope with death, and losing mom is a toughie at any age, (but not as bad as losing a child.)

Your sil is going to think you should do what she is doing, but you know what ? She's there. She's doing it. She made her choice given the other obligations she has in her life. And it is HER mom. She thinks you should be there, because she thinks SHE should be there.

Death brings out lots of emotions in families, and sometimes it's better to keep our mouths shut (esp with the in-laws), and if I were you, I would take directions from my spouse. How often does he feel the need to be there? Does he think his children should be there 24/7? (Frankly, they will be in the way, so I agree with you, but watch and listen to him for cues. This is, after all, HIS family)

The fact that they have been there, that they know Grandma is dying, and that they have said good-bye is good and will help them deal with her death. I assume they will be at the funeral home for at least a little bit of the visiting hours, cuz you guys will have to be there, but don't feel they have to be there the whole time. Play it by ear, and maybe a friend could take them for part of the time. You may get criticized, but you have to do what is right by your family, and by your family, I mean you, husband and children. The kids have been exposed to death, they don't have to be immersed in it.

Above all, you want them to learn that death is a part of life. It is sad, we have to let go of the deceased, and we have to keep living. If you are able to keep some of that in balance for them, and if you are calm, albeit sad, but if you continue to hug them, love them, care for them, and keep life on an even keel through this process, the kids will get through. They and you don't need to be there 24/7 to have that happen. And if Grandma is close to death, she's probably not all that conscious most of the time, so how would their presence help her ?

Some people live their lives by a list of "SHOULDS" and duties instead of living their lives. If your sil is like that, she's gonna think you should (got the word) do the same, but don't. Try to keep it in perspective, which I think you're doing -- you're just getting hounded to be more like her and, I'm guessing you shouldN'T be. :-)

Meanwhile, I'm sorry for your loss, your husband's loss and your kids' loss. Hang in together as a family, do lots of hugging and love each other. You'll get through.

Dear K.,
Do not let anyone pressure you to have your very young children experience death up close.
When my son was 3, my husband,(his father), died of cancer, at home. He came home 3 weeks prior to his death, under hospice-care, so that he could die at home surrounded by his family. My son was not in the house when his dad died, (we knew it was his time), and he was not downstairs when my husband was taken away by the funeral home personnel.
on the 4th of January, we lost my FIL to cancer. He and my son have been "joined at the hip" since my son was born, and he had been the closest thing to a "father" to my son since we lost his daddy. My son did not see him when he died, nor did he attend his funeral. We have talked about both his dad, and his pop-pop, at great length, and he sleeps with their pictures under his pillow every night. He talks to those pictures, and I'm sure they comfort him. Neither man looked like themselves when they died, due to the toll the cancer took on them, and I did not want my son to have that memory of them at such a young age. He remembers them alive and healthy, and knows they loved him totally. The rest of the reality of death he can wait to experience when he's older. It's come too close to his young world, and it's taken too much away from him already. I will not allow it to rob him of his innocence, and maybe you shouldn't let it either.
Please remember, they are YOUR children, and you can make the best decisions on their behalf.
Good Luck, C. G.

I've been through this situation 4 times as both daughter and DIL, with kids ages 2 thru teens over the years. And I have the perspective of time having passed. Here is my take:
First: children under 7 don't remember being with those who died after few years. I've asked my 5(now) adult children how much they recall of loved ones, and it is VERY sketchy, so don't think you are traumatizing them for life by exposing them to a loved one's natural death.
Young kids seem to react more to their parental reaction than they do to the death. If parent takes it as a part of nature and doesn't fall apart, the kids will be ok. If parent falls apart, the kids react badly to that. Keeping it together can be really hard to do as a parent, because you have to grieve some time or another, but try not to be in front of the kids when you completely lose it.
There is a difference between being the daughter and the DIL, no matter how close you are. Let your SIL do her thing. ( If you are both DILs, then it's a personal thing. She may be more emotionally involved than you.) But the main caretaking should involve the sons and daughters, not the inlaws. Encourage and release hubby to be involved as much as possible. Your contribution is that encouragement.
Regarding taking the kids over more-- if gramma wants to see them, by all means take the kids over. It won't hurt them ( remember-- they will forget how she looks)just keep things normal and casual. You will be taking them for their gramma's benefit, not theirs. If she is out of it, they don't need to be there.
I once pulled my elementary kids out of school to visit a dying granpa in the hospital. I knew he'd love to see them ( and vice-versa). What they now recall is the hospital visit and that Mommy lied to Granpa about why they weren't in school. I wasn't about to tell HIM that I brought the kids because he was dying.
Good luck, stay grounded, support your hubby,and the kids will be fine.
Caution: this advice is for young kids only. Teens are a totally different response.

Only you know in your heart what is best for your children. Death is a part of life, and the sooner kids know that they saner they'll be, but that does not mean one has to expose them unnecessarily. You must be the judge of how much they can take. You also have to make sure they know the life their Grandmother lived and that they are a living part of her life, now and forever.
God Bless!

Death is natural and your children are her grandchildren. Me --- I am with your SIL - right there until the end, comfortable or not. And hope that in my final days I am treated with the same love and care.
We just went through this recently in Dec.

Hi K.. My heart goes out to you, it is not an easy situation. All you can do is your best and follow your instincts. I don't think the death bed watch is a good thing for small children to be subjected to, but it is a personal decision. You can only do what you and your hubby think is best for you and your kids. Don't feel guilty espically if you MIL has said her good-byes...I'm sure she understands. What your SIL chooses to do with her kids is her decision...and she should respect you as you should respect her. There are no easy answers to this one except to respect each persons decision and don't pass judgement on anyone. The greif process is different for all...I hope you and your family find peace.

Does your oldest know that she is dying and understand that he will never see her anymore?? In January my MIL died in the same manner as yours will. Sick with cancer and then home for the final weeks. Well I never told my 7 year old that she was dying just that she was real sick. He saw her what ended up being the last time on Christmas. A couple days later I did end up telling him that she was going to die and he asked to see her one more time. Well, we made plans to drive up the next day. Unfortunately she passed that night and he did not get to say goodbye. I never thought that a kid would need closure but he really did. Not getting to see her one last time was devastating to him. He even was talking about killing himself to get to see her "one last time". Very scary. I really wished that I would have included him in on what was going on and made an effort to drive him up to see her a couple of times. I also have a 4 year old who was really too young to comprehend anything.

Hi K...my prayers are with you and your family. What does your husband want...he is the important one here...don't worry about what everyone else is doing..they are in their shoes..you are in yours. Talk with your husband and decide how you want your family to handle and remember this transition...your mil already knows all she needs from this life..now is her time with God..pray for her. Hugs to you. M.

I just wanted to tell you that i could have wrote your post. My father in law is dying of cancer. I let my older kids (13 and 11) see him today. I have a 4 and 6 year old also. I really want them to say goodbye but i am torn. I think i am going to take them tomorrow just to give him one last kiss. It is such a hard issue. I wish your family the best.

My prayers are with you and yours. When my mommy came down sick and we knew she was going home to be with God. I took him to see her once in the hospital as we were in PA and she was 110 miles north of us in NJ and Loved her dearly. I stayed with her the whole last week he stayed at my aunts and when she passed he was so in tune with me and with her when i walked out to tell him on my aunts deck he already knew somehow and actually was my strength through it all.

We all handle death in a different way your sister reminds me of my sister with the need to be the "it " girl and letting every one know it. Don't let her choices effect this precious time you have with your mom. I feel too that it is far better for a young one to remember the good times with that gram or aunt or father or gramps then to see them in despair lying in a bed. Besides what would your mom want in most cases was that we hold our head high and go on with life. At the time of mommy's home coming our one and only niece was 12 and on vacation with her folks at Disney world we never let on that her Grammy was sick or that she went home. She found out after the funeral when they returned from their vacation, Mommy would have wanted it that way.
SO hold your head up high, cry a tear, it hurts i know it does, it still does me all these years later and Thank God shes in a better place or will be soon.

You need some stress relief. You are worrying about some things here that you don't need to worry about:

1) Don't worry about what your sister in law thinks or does, you aren't her, and your family will do what you think is right.
2) Your children seeing death won't hurt them unless they see adults freaking out. If everyone is peaceful and saying nice prayers and being calm and loving that grandma passed on, it's actually good for easing their fears about death. Although there is no need for them to be there the moment she dies if there are going to be big meltdowns on behalf of adults. You be the judge of the atmosphere, and if it will be bad for them, don't be there.
3) Don't worry about being there more than you possibly can. Figure out your work and mental heath schedule, and go when you can. You said yourself she has made peace, and your kids have been there.
4) Whatever you do, don't feel like it's too much on your kids to go there, etc. You are the example. If you are supportive and nice, and positive about being there for their grandma, they will not be traumatized. If your are traumatized, then keep them away too, and extend as many condolences etc as you can.

Treat her as you would like to be treated when you are dying. You would want kind loving people around you acting normal, saying kind last words, sharing emotions and spending time. This is for her in her last days, you and your family will go back to business as usual soon. Try not to think about your own stresses too much. Keep the focus on sending love her way. The hugs and laughter of children are the most valuable thing to grandparents, she doesn't have much more time to enjoy it, so spare and give what you can of that from your kids.
Good luck.

Hi K.,

Do the best you can with no regrets. The children need to learn from an early age that life is not permenant. Get some children's books on death and dying for your age children. Since you work at a day care, I am sure that they have books to teach children about death and dying.

You want them to not be afraid of death. You will be teaching your children about respect for all family members living and dead.

It is a tough subject in our society where we want to ignore our dying family members and friends.

Good luck. All the best. Whatever you decide will be right for you and your family. D.

I'm sorry for what your family is going through.

I would follow your instincts. If you don't think your children should be with her until the very end, don't make them. As you said, your mil has already said her goodbyes. Do you want your kids memories of their grandmother to be of her last moments, or the better times? I was just a bit older when my grandmother died of emphysema and my grandfather of cirrhosis. I was not with them when they died and I'm really glad that I wasn't. I recently asked about what they went through at the end and I'm so grateful those are not the last memories I have of them. It was hard enough to know that they were sick and going to die while I was so young. What I have mostly are the happy memories.

I think that kids need to learn that death is a natural part of life, but I don't think they need to be present for such suffering at such young ages. They're not going to understand what's going on, just that everyone is sad and they won't know why. You can try to explain it, but I don't think they'll be able to grasp it. I don't know if I'd even take them to the funeral at this age. They're too young and I don't know that you'll be able to give your mil the respect and attention if you're worried about the kids and if they happen to not be able to sit still for the service.

As I said...follow your instincts where your children are concerned. You know your children better than anyone. Do what you feel is best!

I think you know what is best for your children and family, my only suggestion is to not hide what is happening from them. Doesn't sound like you are doing that and it's best to keep them informed. Maybe let them make cards or pictures for grandmom and that way you are thinking/talking about herand then you or your husband can take them to her when you visit so she knows she is being thought of by them even though they aren't there. She may not want them to see her that way either. IN your heart you will know what is best for you and you SIL will know what is best for her...just let each of you do what you want and don't judge each other that to me is the best thing.

Take care.

What is your husband feelings about this? I feel as though you should take your kids over and let them say their normal"goodbyes" and "I love yous" just as they would if they were going to see her tomorrow. They should remember their grandmother the way she was when she was "alive" not "dying". I know this could cause tension with your sister-in-law. Children should know about death at an early age, but I don't feel they need to be in the room to watch death happen. My daughter was 4 when my grandfather (93 years old) took a turn for the worse. My sister wanted me to bring her to the hospital to be with him when he died, but I refused and am glad I did. Now my daughter only remembers him the way he was when he was alive. However, on the other hand my sister has not spoken to me in 1 1/2 years because of this. But I know deep down that my grandfather would not have wanted my daughter to remember him that way. She has been to 5 funerals in 5 years and she understands in her own little way that death happens. My sister will eventually have to get over this. And if she doesn't then she is just as bad because she is missing out on my daughter's life.

K., my heart goes out to you! You are in a very difficult situation. It is not easy if no matter your age. Your SIL needs to understand that dealing with death and dying is a very personal thing and everyone does different things and has different needs. Trust your gut on this one, you know your children and your beliefs. My grandfather died of pancreatic cancer about 3 years ago when I was pregnant with my younger son and my oldest was about 2 1/2. My mother-in-law is a librarian and found a great book for me. It is called,
"How Do We Tell The Children? A step-by-step guide for helping children two to teen cope when someone dies" by Dan Schaefer, PhD and Christine Lyons. It goes through by age of the child and situation of the loss. It covers all kinds of topics from terminal illness to old age to horrible accident. It is not an easy book to read but is a very valuable resource. I hope this helps you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time.

I was with you. I didn't think I should expose my kids, so young, to death and a dying Grandmother.

I have a friend though who is an end of life specialist and a death and dying counselor. She is the only one in her county.

And she told me I was completely wrong.

She said children should start to be taught about death at 3 because we all die. You will die. I will die. Our children, as scary as it is, will die. It is as much a fact of life as needing to eat healthy food, watching the street before crossing. etc etc etc. In fact doesn't it make more sense to eat healthy and watch the street and not talk to strangers when you understand the concept of death?

The other thing is when you understand it young you are more able to cope when people begin to die because soon enough they'll realize people die. A child from school may die. My 5 year old daughter had a class mate shot to death. Bad things happen to good people, it's scary, but it's true. If she did not understand that everyone dies sometime already I imagine that experience would have been even worse because not only would I have to explain why something so terrible happened but I'd have to backtrack and explain what death is.

We used Bambi to start the conversation here and that conversation is actually on going. Our children know that someday, hopefully a long time from now, Mom and Dad will die. Papa will die. They will die. It is what it is. No human is immortal. No child has a magic wand. We just live our lives in the best ways we can, we try to touch those we know in positive ways, and we try to make our lives good ones, no matter how long or short they may be.

Good luck!

N.