Seeking Advice.... - Harper Woods,MI

Oh my goodness,you sound very stressed Lashonda!! What part of town are you in? Perhaps us 'moms' could suggest some mom support groups??!! You have 2 little ones and that is tough even WITH a strong marriage. Let us know what part of town you are in and we can help!!
K.

Lashonda,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I am in the midst of trying to find a job to support my 2 boys, sell our home, find a lawyer, and move on without my addict husband. For years I was a very committed Christian and prayed God's Word over our marriage. But He loves us all enough to give us free will. My faith has been tremendously rocked by this and my Christian friends are nowhere to be found. They all have a simple answer of "you need God!" and that will fix everything. But A+B does not always = happy marriage. I know they mean well but they will not understand until they are there themselves.

I do think you need to make time to get to church. You will need His strength and your kids need to learn about the Lord as well. And who knows, if your husband will go with you, he may hear something that strikes a chord in him. But you need to have faith in the one who gives life, especially when it feels like all the other things are sucking the life out of you.

I'm from western michigan, not sure where you're from. I hope that you can find a friend who will walk through this with you and love you through it. It's so lonely going through this! Hang in there, girl!

:o) G., SAHM of 2 boys, 5 & 7.

Hi Lashonda,
First, let me say I am sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. I know that feeling.

Second, it is NOT ok that your husband is emotionally abusive. That needs to change right now. Your husband needsto decide if he is going to be a partner in this relationship or not. I'm guessing the fact he is emotionally abusive goes hand in hand with his lack of assistance with other things.... house, kids, finances, etc...

You can not shoulder everything. The kids... that takes a united front. It HAS to start with you and your husband. Your family, your home, your finances, those belong to both you and your husband and you BOTH have a responsibility to manage them.

Sit down with your husband, tell him outright what you need. You can't put in the effort for both people. BOTH parties need to be present for the marriage to work. If he is unwilling to work at this, then there is no point in staying. I am not a fan of divorce, but if 1/2 of the marriage doesn't want it to work then there is no recourse but to leave.

Third, you need to work on you. You NEED to make time for God and yourself. There is always a way to make the time. Even if you just start reading your Bible for 5 minutes a day. God is near. He is always with you. He is waiting for you to call on him, call out to him. He wants to help you but can't until you confess yourself to him and ask him to be your Saviour and ask for his help.

Please, take back your life and give it to God. You won't be disappointed. Let your kids know you have to help from them as well. There need to be consequences for lack of cooperation. No activities...whatever it is that will get their attention. Don't back down. YOU are the parent. Don't try to be their friend. They have friends. They NEED a parent.

You are a strong woman. You can do this.
I will pray for you.

You have to make time for yourself and for God. If you don't, nothing will change. I am a single mother of 2 boys, I raised alone since they were 3 and 5 and it is hard. Take the girls to Church with you. Their are support groups at Church and good people to see your needs. Let your husband stay with the girls while you take some time alone. Don't worry if he wants to or not, let him know you are going and this is an important need for you!!!! Pray, specifically and often and God will hear you and answer you...:)

Dear Lashonda W.,

I believe that God wants to know if He is important to us. Reach out to Him by talking to Him like he is in the room with you. I cried out to Him once and not long after that something changed drastically in my life. It did not magically happen, but He opened doors that had been shut before that. Please make time for our almighty and awesome God. He is just waiting for you and He is a gentleman; He won't force you, but He will patiently wait for you to talk to Him and ask Him what you need to know. He does not talk out loud to you like we humans do to each other; He puts thoughts in your head and you can hear them as clearly as if someone were talking to you right near you. In a still, small voice.

God and Jesus are the only ones who Can help us to find peace within ourselves when everything around us is a wreck.

Pray and ask God where He would want you to attend church and then start visiting. You will find a loving environment in most churches and they will give you loving support to help you get through what you have to deal with right now. Ask God to help you prioritize your life correctly, as He would like it to be. He will help you with all things.

L. C.

Oh my God, I was just going to start a blog similar to yours! Except for the emotionallt abusive husband, we are in the same boat. I work full time, have a 10 month that I miss terribly when I am not with him, I just found out I am 6 weeks pregnant, our house just lost all of its equity, we can't afford it on one income, our babysitter requested a raise and we just got a $460 COnsumers bill. I am still reponsible for cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills. I cry all the time, I haven't lost the weight from the first pregnancy because I don't have the time or money to keep the gym membership! I have no outlet either. I tell my husband, he listens and then thinks things will just be better. Um, nope.

Dr. Laura (the radio host) says we would be much happier if we were stay at home mommas. I agree, but it is hard to give up the security of a job in these times. You may want to read a couple of books - the 5 love languages and the proper care and feeding of a husband. THey may help you understand your husband better. I am not sure how long you have known your husband, but I think when kids come along his needs get pushed to the back (of course your needs become nonexistent - it really isn't fair). COuld you afford a babysitter and just get a night out for the two of you so you could talk? Can you remember the good times?

I hope this helps.

Believe me, you are NOT alone. I feel the same way. My five kids can really make me crazy some days, especially days like this when they are at home on winter break and I work at home. I'm trying to type to make some money, but every couple of lines, my kids are coming over to me with, mom can I do this, mom can I do that...good thing I can work when I want. Only problem is that I don't make as much money when they are doing that...lol. Oh well, I'll just work when they sleep. I've really tried to make more time for my kids and have tried to have more fun with them. It has really helped. It has taken about 6 months to turn our lives around, but there has really been a difference in the way my children act. Don't get me wrong, I have always loved them dearly; I just wasn't relating to them the right way...I guess? We all made changes and it's working. My husband on the other hand...if I could get away from him, I would. I just cannot take it anymore. There is just NO respect from him. He acts like I'm useless, when it's really him who is useless...just ask the kids...they know who does everything...ME! I just cannot stand him at all anymore.

As far as finding peace, here are my 2 ways:
#1 Me time: Wait till everyone is gone and try to get an hour or two of doing whatever I want... hot bath, read a book, watch a movie/recorded show, sleep, meditate, anything I want.

#2 Play time: No husband allowed. Me and the kids all go out and do something fun, shopping, skating, pet store, museum, anything as long as he is not there to say NO to everything and bring us down from our having fun together. Or we do something fun at home while he is at work for at least one hour.

WHOA girl! You are spinning out of control and clearly need something to hang on to. There are lots of questions that need to be answered before one can help much. Like, what are you so busy with? Can something be dropped? Heaven knows I have felt the way that you do. I had to seek professional counciling. And GOD. Definately GOD.

I also take a dietary supplement that helps with stress and anxiety without side effects.

If I can help, I will.

S.
____@____.com

The most important thing to do is take care of you so that you can better deal with any problems. You must take time to relax, eat well, and sleep. Organization has helped me tremendously. End all activities that are not absolutely necessary. Structure your life around family dinners, work, chores, and family time. Work and chores are things that must be done but extra-curricular activities are not. If your kids are in soccer, gymnastics, music lessons, etc., limit it to one thing. Let them choose one thing that they love. Also, one hour a week at church would greatly impact the lives of your family. Church is like having your own personal motivational speaker each week. You'll find that the sermons motivate you and inspire you. I'm sure your children would love Sunday school with the other children. Be positive and happy and it will rub off on your husband. Don't let him get you down. Love yourself and don't react to him when he talks down to you. Just smile at him and go about your business. I really think your new attitude will shock him and inspire him to change. IF not..........well.....just get rid of him and his negative energy. I really wish you well and I will keep you in my prayers. God bless. :)

Lashonda,
The one thing you suggested is something that I believe would help. Make time to go to church. Find a Bible believeing God fearing chruch and seek His powerful and almighty healing. As hard as it may be, pray for your husband, but also protect yourself and your daughters. You owe it to them and yourself to take time to do something healthy for you. One of the best things a mom can do for her kids is keep herself healthy. I would also seek the counsel of a Christian counsleor who could guide you and talk with you through this valley. Remember, when you are in the valley, seek God and He will bring you to the mountian top and beyond to soar with the eagles.
I'll be praying for you sweetie.

Hi Lashonda, it's ok to feel stressed, you have a lot on your plate right now. Think of what really makes you calm, and happy. Long bath, reading, walking, ectra. then make it happen, no one can adjust your time schedule but you, when people say, I have no time for me, listen, no one is going to tell you to take a break, and stop doing things for the family. This does not mean do not take care of them, just that you deserve time for you as well, and must make time. If your husband continues with the abuise, leave him, you don't need that, and neather do the girls. Church groups are a good place to start, they often have daycare, so you can have time for you. Good Luck

You need some help at home. I recommend the Nanny Network, or Nannies.com, I've used both. Get someone for at least 4 hours per day, twice a week, so you get a break and some help with the kids. Make it clear that the nanny is to help you, not just watch the kids when you're not there and take off as soon as you get home. When you are less overwhelmed, your marriage may improve. You are entitled to help, and don't let anyone tell you you aren't. EVERYONE has someone, be it a neighbor who doesn't work, a relative who lives with them, a retired parent. You need someone on a regular basis so you have some time to yourself.

If your husband remains disrespectful and emotionally abusive, after you bring to his attention that he should not be treating you this way, then you need a divorce and a live-in nanny. Your life will be wonderful and stress-free, when you have genuine help and no one deliberately trying to give you a hard time and make sure you're always stressed. BEEN THERE!!! You can also try counseling, but he has to recognize there is a problem. If you go this route, make sure you talk to a divorce lawyer before you notify your husband, or you may not be able to protect your kids re: custody/parenting schedule. Good luck to you--

I hear ya girl!! With the 7 kids and a husband who has to be right in EVERYTHING, and always has the answer....I finally told him - I need ME time and signed up for a dance class. We meet every week and there are about 20 women in this class. Maybe you could do something like that? It is so good to get out with a bunch of women and laugh and have a good time - and it is good exercise also! See if you can find something that is once a week in the evening when your husband has to be home with the kids - it MAY help him see how busy you really are with them.

I have also told him, I AM doing...... and when I do that, he just looks at me and says OK. I think showing some backbone to him is helping - it is hard (trust me I know) but you will feel better about alot of things if you start to set it out for him to see.

Good Luck Hun!!

Hi Lashonda -

Quite a few years back I was in the same boat as you. I was expected to do absoultely everything around the house from yard work to house work to kid care to meal preperations and even bathing my husband because he had a work related back injury and he couldn't take care of himself. He was emotionally and sexually abusive to me. My family finally talked me into going to therapy and I found it very benificial to get my thoughts in line. If you don't click with the first person try someone else until you find someone you can confide in. I eventually divorced my husband and he ended up abandoning us when our youngest was only 13 days old. I didn't have any help from friends, neighbors or family. I lost the house to forclosure and found a good friend in the new neighborhood we now live in that emotionally helps me out,(even though I take her son more than she takes my three boys). To top it all off all three of my boys are special needs and I have my own emotional and physical issues. When we moved here I started going to church again. I didn't feel like it but I made it a priority and it has made all the difference in the world. I still take care of absolutely everything since I am raising the boys alone but I no longer have to look at someone that isn't willing to help me out. I take time for me now, especially since the boys are all in school now. It's not easy when the kids are young and not in school yet but hold on to the assurance that things will get better as time goes on. Let the housework go, let the dishes pile up, let the laundry go for a day or two, find time to just sit and play with your daughters and take plenty of pictures. Time will fly by. I myself only do laundry once a week and clean the house once a week. I found a basket to put toys in and straightened up at the end of the day. The yard work was only done once a week and if my husband didn't like it then he had to do things himself. Simplify where you can, concentrate on you and the girls and things will find a way to work out. Above all, make the time and go to church! You will find an overload of support there and God will work miracles in your life if you let Him. My finances were in shambles, too, until I started tithing to our church. Once I gave God the 10% He asks for things really turned around for me and now even with the economy in shambles we are still well taken care of and don't have any more money worries. Let God work for you, too. I promise, He will help. I'm here if you need someone to unload on, too. I've been there and am willing to help if I can. God bless - S.

Lashonda; some good advice, if you want to change others first start with yourself. Also i know many who felt the same way about life as you do, and as being a bible instructor, i can say ive seen the study of the bible change lives and feelings in life, and of life, the bible study i provide, is free and in your home for one hour a week, this little bit helps alot, my servcies are available if you are close to my area, or i can find someone in your area who does this same thing, please notify me if you so choose so, D. s (____@____.com)

Hi Lashonda,

Your kids are young, and that alone is HARD. Without support (I had very little) it is extremely hard and I understand. Please take the response from Kelly K and see if it can work for you. Counselling may help you, if you can get to it. You say you want to have time to go to church, but I know that time is the one thing you don't have. Take a minute when you need it, close your eyes and 'connect', and pray for strength. God does not only hang out in churches, so wherever you are is good enough. I firmly believe that 'when the student is ready, the teacher appears', so when the time is right, you will find a way to get the help you need and get some things done. And take it one day at a time, and sometimes, one hour at a time, whatever you need. It does start with you, and believe it or not, you have taken your first step! You've already started to make things better. Blessings for a good New Year ahead, I will hang on to hope for you if you can't muster it up right now.

Noone can give you an easy answer. The main thing you MUST do is DO IT. What ever it is YOU feel that you need you MUST put it as a priority.
So MAKE the time to go to church WITH your kids. Call your church and find out if they have a womens ministry... Womens bible study or any type of moms group.Put it on YOUR schedule to go. Just as you would schedule a drs appt for your kids, schedule YOU time.

You can not change your husband. But you can train yourself with how to healthily deal with him. So go to counciling... With a pastor or dr... Whom ever YOU feel like you can open up to.

Simplify. Schedule. Stick to it.
I sit down and physically write out a schedule. What I have to do, what the kids do and when, what hubby does daily. Sit, write it out for each day. Do your kids have a set bed time? Nap time? Dinner time? Lunch time? Bath time and nights? Write them in. That is YOUR daily schedule. Try a week of ONLY doing those. Keep a calendar with any appt. on it. Try to schedule only ONE appt a day. You have 2 little ones. They don't make it easy to do all day running.
I do all my grocery shopping ONE time a week. I really try to not do little runs for odds and ends. It eats up time and frazzles you. Set a laundry day or time that is devoted to folding, sorting and putting away.
Donate any toys that have not been played with recently. Are you planning on any more kids? If not, sell your infant stuff.
Clutter builds stress levels. So declutter your home and your life will be simpler. (Less stuff to pick up mean less time to pick it up, means more you and kids time.)
The biggest thing you can do for yourself on a weekly basis is buy yourself flowers. :-) I can get some very nice flowers off the clearence racks at walmart or krogers. But even if you can't the bouquets are pretty good priced.
Flowers have a way of calming. The influence of nature is a relaxant. (Thats why spas have the nature tones and sounds).
As you concentrait on YOU, and YOUR kids you can walk thru the kitchen and truly can stop and smell the flowers. :-)
(aka . stopping for 3 seconds, and breathing deeply. I think its called breath therapy)

Good Morning Lashonda!

You are so right! Everyday life IS overwhelming and chaotic, and many times it is hard to find relief or at least a break. And most people (family & friends) cannot help you because they are just as overwhelmed as you!

You have made the first step by realizing that this is something that you want to change. Have you ever noticed someone around you that seems to have this peace? Have you talked with them? It might be eye-opening to befriend such a person and find out what they are doing. (If you're surrounded by family and friends who cannot help you... maybe it would help to take a step of faith and find some new friends who might have those answers and can help you grow to find the peace that you crave.)

Since you seem to be looking for advice.. I have some good news and I have some bad news. The bad news is you will NEVER be free of stress, chaos, relationships and responsibilites that pull you in a million directions. Unfortunately there will alwasy be "something" going on. But the good news is that you can change how you act and re-act to these situations. And it will take some time and dedication on your part to learn how to do that, but it can be done!
I found how to pursue peace by partnering with a Bible based church. I found a group of people who challenge me to apply to my life the truth given to us by the One who created us. This group of friends helps me to keep life in perspective, to know what the important things are. And I can tell you... "stuff" still happens, but it doesn't take away my peace and my joy anymore. I would encourage you to make the time to find a community of friends who CAN help you grow in this area.

I pray you find the true peace your looking for in 2009!
B.

Oh, I wish I could give you a big hug! I am sorry you are feeling this way. Please, if you can, find someone to talk to about how you are feeling. A friend, a pastor, doctor or a therapist (believe me everyone will have one or atleast see one before they die!). You need someone to talk to and you need that person fast. But, remember being a mother is very hard and very draining at times and having family or a husband that is not supportive, makes things even worse. Please, know you are not alone and you will get through this. A lot of women go through this at some point in their lives. It is normal to feel overwhelmed and like your world is crashing all around you. But things will get better. Take one day at a time and focus on that day. Do not think about tomorrow or next week. Worry about today because tomorrow has enough problems of its own (Mather chapter 3 verse 6 ?). Please sit your family down and be direct with them. Let them know you need help. Do not let them push it to the side. Be honest with your feelings. Remember it is ok to feel overwhelmed as a working mother with two little ones and it is easy to feel this need to be the perfect mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend with the pressures of the media or outside world. Keep your head high, ask for help and find someone to talk to, please. :) Remember people care about you. :) I know things will get better. Take care and please stay in touch.

Lashonda,
I am so sorry that you are going through all of this! You would be amazed that the peace God can give when you know he is in control. Also, I would bet that you do have time, if you just try to let God help you find the time! You are ALWAYS invited to attend my church (details below) but I'm not sure if it's close for you. Churches often have services and programs at different times. Many churches also have programs for kids, and groups for mothers (MOPS - mothers of preschoolers). I cannot guarantee, of course, that all of your problems will go away, but I know you will find peace when you give some things over to him, and take time for prayer. You can talk to God when you're driving, showering, etc. You may also find some answers to some of your other difficulties.

God's blessings to you.
Here is some info on my church:
services are saturday @ 6:30pm, sunday at 8:15 or 10:45 (two services at this time, one more traditional, one more contemporary) monday at 7pm. also, there is bible study/sunday school hour at 9:30am, where your kids can attend as well. we have a MOPS group, which offers Bible study, moms night out, play dates, monthly topical meetings, etc. there are also tons of other things going on there.
it's Immanuel Lutheran, at the corner of 21 mile and Romeo Plank rds.
web site: immlutheran.org

if you have any questions, please feel free to send me a message!

Having young children is chaotic, that is for sure. But an abusive husband should not be part of your life. It is tough to do, but just grab your girls and go. Share your dilemma with everyone close to you and they will be supportive, I promise!

And pray....always!

~L.

Hi Lashonda, I have been going through the very same thing, not so much with my husband but all the other things you have said sound so very much like me. You need to make time for yourself, even if it's an hour at night after the kids are in bed. My children are 4 and 1, I know what you are going thru. I got alot of great advice from the mothers on here and it was just in time as I seriously felt on the brink of a breakdown. Just take a deep breath and a bubble bath tonight and let yourself relax. Feel free to contact me if you'd like to just talk it out, maybe we can help each other thru this rough time. ____@____.com luck to you.

I went through this as well. What worked for me was a shock to my husbands system.We got into a HUGE fight after he got out of work (over the phone while he was on his way home). He was extremely disrespectful to me and just plain nasty. I was in the middle of cooking dinner. I turned the stove off, left the pots and pans on top of it. Left everything the way it was grabbed my kids, packed an over night bag and went to stay with a friend. I didn't call and tell him I was leaving just did it. He said around 10:30 he realized I wasn't coming home (he thought I just went out). He called the next day while he was at work and we talked. I told him why I did that and he said that it was not worth coming home to an empty house. Things have been better. We still have problems and I still wonder if we'll make it sometimes but at least I opened his eyes.
If you do this you have to prepare yourself for the fact that he might like the empty house and want that instead of you and the kids... that was the worst part of it all.
Good luck and take deep breaths.

Lashonda,

My journey to peace within started with FlyLady and her system. It's cheesy, I know, but I felt overwhelmed, my house was out of control, and every day I felt like I had accomplished nothing in the mess. It seemed I did not have time for activities that recharge my soul, and when I took time for myself I felt guilty that I was not doing "something constructive" for the family.

I have had to learn to get rid of the "stinking thinking" I learned from my mother and start treating myself with respect. As I learned how to respect myself I also learned when and who to ask for help and what things can wait even just 15 minutes.

Flylady's website is free and all of her resources are free. She pays for the site though the sale of good quality tools such as her specially designed calendar, dust mop, feather dusters, ect. Her mission is to help others find the peace she fought so hard to find in her own life. She brings other people into contact with her subscribers as she sees a need, but the others also offer services that are free or nearly-free.

Take 15 minutes and check it out, it may just give you a few ideas of where to start re-balancing your life.

Here is the link to her control journals:
http://www.flylady.net/pages/control_journals.asp

She has a great FACE (facing your finances, one baby-step at a time) that has helped my husband and me stay out of debt and we only have one income.

She also has a lot of great essays on all types of subjects.
http://www.flylady.net/pages/site_index.asp

I hope you find something that works for you. I found that when I felt the least respected it was because I was treating myself, and those around me, with very little respect and I was receiving the same treatment in kind. By learning how to stop nagging, budgeting my own time, and starting with just 15 minutes for myself I have learned how to be a better wife and mother.

Good luck, I hope you find what you are looking for!

-C..

Hi Lashonda,
I'm sorry I really don't have any good advice to offer, as I am in a similar situation. I am only responding to let you know that you are not alone. I read this post often and see that most everyone is "married to their prince in shining armor" so it was refreshing to me to see someone else that admits they are unhappy with their marriage. Honestly, I would leave my husband, but I can't stand the thought of sharing custody of our daughter with him. Please hang in there though, I'll be thinking of you:)
____@____.com

You need to sit down and talk to your husband-explain to him you need to talk and not fight. I went through this feeling 8 yrs. ago when I had my son-and he was so understanding! (I thought it`d turn into a fight) But the way I approached it was good and he understood-we then decided to have a date night every week! We go out for 2 hours a week-and we got to know eachother all over again! IT IS GREAT! EVERYONE is extremely busy and over whelmed! We were too! BUT...we make the time and it is well worth it! We started out making it every Weds. from 6 to 8 p.m. and stuck to it for 7 yrs. this past yr. was a little harder due to our babysitter (my daughter is now 18 ) haha and she isn`t home much. But we still sit down at 8 and talk and laugh! We are still like newly weds! Try it! It really works!
Good Luck!

Lashonda and Ellen,

Ladies, you need to sit your husbands down and ask them how important their families are to them. Explain that their actions are not helping the family and if they don't shape up they can pack their bags. There is enough stress to parenting without having an unsupportive husband. Explain quite clearly, and calmly, what you need of them in their role as husband and father. If they think their only role is to be the breadwinner then tell them that they can provide financial support while living somewhere else and the courts will decide if and when they can see their kids! If you can get your husbands involved and helping it should help to relieve some of the stress you are both feeling - it appears, from what you have both written, that they are more of a hindrance than a help and you should not have to put up with it.

It's a time for change, be strong and voice your needs, you are choosing to allow these men to be in your lives it is not their right to treat you badly.

Good luck to both of you.

Beautiful Lashonda, quit your job. Research has shown that the income women brings home from her work is eaten up by day-care costs, commute expense, career wardrobe expense, and meal costs. Your daughters need you more than your employer does. Husbands, the Christian Bible tells us, are to love and cherish their wives; wives are to respect their husbands. Women need love; men need respect. My dear, let the healing of your marriage begin with you. At every turn, let your vocal and phyical response to your husband be one of respect. Tell him how you like/appreciate how he does this or that; do not tell him how he forgot to do this or that. Hey, just tell him that you respect him and watch his reaction. The Bible says,"The words of a man reveal his heart". Let your heart be changed for your husband. Try this...and find a good friend that will listen but who will agree not to put your husband down. If you have such friends - quit confiding in them. All in all, dear lady, you are doing to much when the most important job you will ever have is called "family". M.

Hi Lasonda,
I sort of know where you are coming from. My sons are 4 yrs and 2 yrs. They need you every minute of the day. My sons are very active and they have basically destroyed my home. My oldest actually took down the ceiling fan in his room. And they won't go to bed at night so I get frustrated with that. I'm so tired of yelling and screaming "get in the bed every night" It's crazy"

I find that I'm at my most worst with my husband when I don't speak up for myself(which I do most of the time). There have been many days when I have felt really taken advantage of and neglected by my husband. Even though I blame him for my feelings I also blame myself as well. I believe that we only get treated the way we allow others to treat us. I know this in my heart but yet I don't follow through on it.
I guess the only way we can create peace for ourselves is to ignore what is in shambles for a while and concentrate on ourselves. That way we can have the renewed engergy to deal. We have to be selfish with ourselves once in a while. You cannot take care of anybody until you take care of yourself first. Also, we as women need to learn that we can't please anybody but ourselves. Learning this will take alot of the pressure off.
Sorry this is so long.

Its so hard with 2 small kids...they need so much attention, that your work is never done. It sounds a little like you are there for everyone else but yourself. I was like that once...I remember it well...I did everything to please my husband to the point that i wasn't the same person he married, and he began to be a jerk to me as well...took me for granted, then the kids needed me...i needed to work for money...everyone needed something from me, and I lost myself...sort of became an unhappy robot. I ended up leaving him...and then...i could find myself. I went to marriage counseling...alone. That was the best thing I ever did. I never quite saw the need for a counselor, and kind of still don't, but this woman was incredible. She would explain why he was the he was, and it made me feel like I didn't do anything wrong. Once I had my "backbone" back...I was able to care for my kids better, work better and have my needs addressed too. I didn't stand for less, and still don't. I married the most wonderful man...and together we are so happy. 13 years we've been married now. I look at pictures of me way back then and I look horrible...pale, skinny, ugly...now I'm so happy!!
Sure you are a mother...but don't lose YOU...
You are important too...if you need a night to yourself...take it...you are not a bad mother for doing so. If you want a new shirt...get it...
things like that.
So many people lose who they are when they get married or have kids...they don't think about the fact that the kids will eventually be gone and have their own lives, and that sometimes...by that time, the only thing the couple have in common is the kids...where does that leave them?

I personally have found that the only way to have true peace in my life is to focus on God and He takes care of the rest. It may sound silly or cliche, but it is true. When my life starts to get chaotic and I feel like I cannot take much more, I realize that my focus has been on myself and not on God. When I get back to reading my bible and praying like I should, it all smooths out and I find peace. The problems don't necessarily all disappear, but I can put things into the right perspective and can handle them in a righteous way. It also helps to have a supportive group of like-minded friends. The church that I attend (The Detroit Church of Christ - we currently meet at Bryant Middle-school in Dearborn, 10 am on Sundays) has an incredible group of women of all age groups and from every area (Ann Arbor to Port Huron). I know that you feel like you do not have the time, but some Sunday you should pack up the kids (we have a great preschool class)and come on out and give God a try. It may be just what you need. :)
K

Dear Lashonda,

Your life sounds like mine was. I was working full time, carrying a large portion of our families expenses, taking full responsibility for our children, and I,too, felt overwhelmed. My husband and I had hinted at divorce 3 times because we were both so unhappy. And then I took advice similar to what Marilyn has given. I left my job and did the hardest work of my life...restoring my marriage. We were both so hurt and angry, and he wasn't interested in making things better (he felt so disrespected by me!) so I decided that I would try...I would change my attitude, my words, my actions to be 100% more respectful to my husband. It took time...a lot of time. I was discouraged along the way because it felt like we'd have a great day, and then he'd blow up again. But with persistence, my husband and I are in a better place than ever, I am less stressed, and the children are getting the support they need from both parents.

Before I made this decision, to be the one to make change, my heart attitude was much like many of the women here (giving an ultimatum to the husband in hopes of change), but those rarely work...they usually take the road out the door. And, I thought about what life would be like if he left. Certainly I believed that I would have some immediate relief from him, but it would create greater problems I didn't want to have to deal with. There were no guarnatees that changing my attitude would really do the trick, we still could have ended in divorce, but I was willing to give this a shot. I remember going in prayer to God saying, "I've tried it my way. I'm willing to give this way a shot. Help me, please." And then I set forth on the most painful, yet redeeming journey of my married life.

Choose life for your marriage first, even if it feels like hard work.

It sounds like you really need someone to listen to you.... I'd be happy to. And I'll be happy to share whatever jewels I can with you also... but first I think it is important to really say all that is on your heart and mind.
Without judgment!
Feel free to email me offpost... ____@____.com
I'm a parenting instructor and work at a yoga studio... attend yoga, church and instruct Pilates...
Hope I can help

First, I do know how you feel because my marriage is and has been rather dead for a long time and I'm just realizing how emotionally starved it's been. My kids are all out of the house, however.
So take a deep breath and then take out a legal pad and write down all you're feeling. And when you mention you want to change, do you mean change the marital situation? That's hard. I've told my hubby time and again that I want a divorce, but see I have no job, am mobility challenged, and taking that first step is intimidating. But I plan to anyway. Because I don't believe I deserve to be unhappy. I don't think God wants us to be unhappy and miserable. So if you want to change the situation, it takes getting things organized, knowing assets etc. and taking the first step. Everyone expects changes from the unhappy person for some reason. That's all I've ever had to hear. So I put my foot down and said I'm done doing the sacrificing.

Write down your priorities, what you want to do, and take small steps to do them.
Good luck!

Finding a MOPS group will change your life. It's a great Christian MOMs fellowship program where you get to meet with other mom's and find out that you are not alone and then grow and learn in Christ with all your new girlfriends. Mops saved my life.

Please find a church that will support you (that's what a REAL church family does). I'll bet your children are adorable and as cute as can be........who wouldn't want to help you with them. Share your burdens with ONLY the pastor and his wife (especially his wife). IF they don't give immediate help/relief, then find a church that will. God loves you and will lead you if you let Him. As far as your husband is concerned, when he sees the change in your "tude", he will come along side......Pray, pray, pray The Lord says that He will reveal Himself to whomever will seek Him.....bless you, I hope this helps......D. PS, when I wrote this, I hadn't seen any of the responses (most are awesome and show much love for you, that's great)!!!!

Hello Lashonda
My name is T. and your story really touch me because I am in the same boat you in and just wanred to say we have to fine our selfs first. I would like to talk more with you if poosible someday I also don't have anyone to talk to. I live in Eastpointe, MI and if you are willing to have a friend thats in the same situations as you are and talk to so we can come up with something to make us happy please let me know. I talking about a real friend. My e-mail address is ____@____.com me know PLEASE.

LW -

I've read most of the other posts and agree with them. While I have not been in your exact situation, there was a time not long ago when I felt like I was drowning and could not come up for air. Three things made the difference. First, a physciatrist (sp?) and therapist - the meds helped me feel less overwhelmed, the therapist helped me see that I could not change others, just my reaction to them. Second - exercise. Hard as it was, I had to force myself to make the time. I started with walking around the block. Within a couple of months, I was up to 3 miles, 3-4 times a week. Third - God. Once I put him in the center and first in my life, I began to feel the peace that I so longed for. Now he is first in my life. My husband lost his job in October of 2007. A few years ago, I wouldn't have been able to get through a year like this past one. I'm happy to say that I did, more because of my faith than anything else.

You have received lots of advice - possibly overwhelming to you at this time. Start with one thing - small and go from there. If you don't take care of yourself, you are no good to anyone.

Recognizing the problem and wanting to make changes are the very first step. You've done that. Pat yourself on the back. Many people never get there.

I hope this helps. I am praying for you as I send this.

K.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for all that you are going through right now. I just said a little prayer for you and hope and pray that you can overcome this.
I have to disagree though, with no disrespect intended. Peace does not come within, it comes from God. I read that you are going to go back to church, I think that is wonderful! (I admit to having slacked off in this area myself, we mothers can get so busy it's easy to put it off).
Also I would like to say that "The Purpose Driven Life", helped me tramendusly when I was at an unsure time in my life. I always believed in God, but I had a hard time relying on Him for all things, and this book was wonderful. If you need a copy let me know I will be happy to send you one.
Take Care and God Bless!
J.

Oh, L W, I, like you, know all about hectic lives, financial issues, work exhaustion and marital issues. But, you can get some "me" time with the help of your two young daughters. An inexpensive way is to let them pamper you. I do not know of any little girl that does not like to style mom's hair, give mom a manicure/pedicure, have a tea party, etc. Get out a spray bottle filled with water, your girl's hair barrets, ribbons, ties, etc. and let them play hair stylist on you. You get to sit and relax, your girls will play with your hair and you can all ooh and aah or laugh over the results. This should give you about 15-30 minutes of down time. The mess is minimal and you will be able to keep an eye on your girls. Just relax and enjoy this time together. Same can be said for a manicure/pedicure, let them paint your nails which will probably end up with nail polish to the knuckle but you can easily remove with nail polish remover. For a tea party, you can use plain water or juice, pretzels, cheese whatever, something simple and let them serve you. Any mess should be minimal and they can enjoy helping clean up. Think of simple, inexpensive ways that your girls can help you get some down time. Think of it as "me" time and time with the girls, all positive issues. Positive thinking helps. If the girls spill juice on the floor, don't think of it as another chore and mess to clean up, but think of it as a time to mop the floor for the week or month. Have the girls clean up the major mess and you can do an all over final mop of the floor. Shouldn't take much time. Wishing you less stress, mess and hectic schedules.

I see you have attending church listed. It's a really good idea to MAKE time to do that. However, I think a personal relationship with Jesus Christ is of the utmost. You will truly find peace beyond all understanding (given from Christ himself). This is the only way to true peace. God bless you.