Seeking Advice for 3 1/2 Year Old Boy Who Is Infatuated with Classmate

Before going to the school I would suggest a communication book or create a simple chart that the teacher could fill out at the end of the day and send home wit your son to let you know if he kept hands to himself and was not bothering Sally. If you create the form the teacher should be receptive to just checking off here and there. He can get a sticker at the end of the day if he follows directions and keeps his boundaries with Sally and other students (personal space). Then he can earn special rewards if he gets so many stickers in a week. They don't have to be toys I have used a special walk with ( or walk the dog) me or his father trip to museum or librairy to pick out movies or books or even a later bedtime on the weekend. My preschooler was a close in the face talker when he started school and most kids would push him away not only would he do this but he has a loud voice that carries so it was not taken well by the other students. I do alot of roleplay with my first grader and preschoolers around bulleying and appropriate versus inappropriate school behavior...they like to pretend to be the teacher and I act out in an exaggerated way the behaviors that should not be done at school ie the behaviors they have been getting into trouble with. You could pretend to be Sally and show him how to be "friends" with her. Give him tools to handle this rather than just punishing right off the bat. Try to find out what he likes about her in particular and remind him of his other friends in the classroom as well. I think if you replace the behavior with some possitive skills you are adressing the issues but also preparing him for relationships in the future. It is very important that as a growing boy he learns the social cues from others so he does not have future more serious issues with females or even the males in his class. If all else fails pretend to be him and hang all over him and stare at him all day and then talk about how that made him feel. I know my six year old and he is not a cuddler anymore so that would bother him very quickly.

I hate to say it, but if I were Sally's mother, I'd want you doing more than a speech at this point. I'd come up with a punishment scheme that if the teacher tells you he's been continuing this behavior then such and such will happen. Take away a favorite toy, etc.. You need to deal with this inappropriate behavior the same as you deal with any other inappropriate behavior. When speeches don't work - move on to punishments. I'd talk to the teacher in front of your son, and tell her you'd like to know if he's been touching Sally or in any other way making her feel uncomfortable - and that you'll want a report at the end of each day. Let your son hear that. Good luck!

You have a little Cassanova on your hands! I personally think this is cute (but I am not Sally!) because when my son was in Kindergarten and they'd sit on the floor during story time, the teacher told me my son would stretch out his legs and PUSH them against this one little girl he didn't like sitting near him! Isn't that terrible? So at least you are dealing with a nicer problem. Well, my answer is: tell your son that if he continues this behavior, you are going to come to school yourself and have to stay in the class with him and YOU will separate him from Sally. And indeed, take a day off and go in. Watch him closely and whenever he starts to touch Sally, immediately go over and remove him from the situation. Leave Sally alone because it's not her fault. Remove your son. Usually if you just 'threaten' a child that you are coming in to 'watch' them, it works. Good luck!

With such a young child, I think it is the responsibility of the teachers to address this problem. When you talk to him, I doubt he is able to transfer your conversations to the future when he is in the situation with the girl. I do think it is okay to talk to him about it, but it is up to the teachers to work on it when it is happening. They also could try other strategies such as giving him a spot to sit in that is away from her or trying to encourage him to play with other kids.

Have you tried telling him that he should ask her before he touches her. I am sure there are times that he doesn't want a hug or a kiss and if you can refer to those times he might understand better. I would have to teachers try to reiterate(sp?) what ever it is that you do at home at school if they are not doing anything yet.

What do the teachers do since this is happening at school. It is easier to correct behavior when it is happening then to deal with it at home since he is so far removed to the offending behavior. I agree, teaching him appropriate behaviors is very important, he has to know how to act before he can be disciplined for doing something he doesn't even realize is wrong. You can have him drawing pictures, teach him to act in a caring way, etc. Talk to him about how to act when he cares about someone and when it is appropriate to hug someone. Let him know that at school he is there to learn and make friends and that everyone should be treated equally. You might say that other kids may feel left out if he just concentrates on one person. This is a difficult one since you aren't at school to see what is actually happening.

You're not there, and the teachers are. They need to deal with it when it happens. If Sally is moved or separated from him every time he touches her, he'll figure it out very quickly. They can tell him that there is no touching allowed, use your words, complete your tasks, etc. He can be reinforced with this by you, but you and the teachers should be using the same words to make it more effective. He should know that he has a choice of sitting at the same table and not touching her, or being removed from her area. He also needs to learn that he will have more friends if he makes them feel comfortable, and fewer friends if he touches. Be sure that, if he engages in any of those behaviors with you (such as poking), that you stop the behavior. If he climbs on your lap, explain that laps are for grownups or just for family or something similar - YOU love it, but it's for family. Maybe he thinks that bigger girls are mother figures? They are not big enough to be able to handle sitting on their laps - maybe he doesn't understand that? If his little brother climbs on him and he doesn't like it, that might be a good time to point it out. However, it's hard for kids this age to really develop empathy - most teachers or child development specialists will tell you that the kids don't really understand the concept of feeling sorry, for example. It doesn't mean the child will always be insensitive - just not there yet.

Good luck.

Have the teachers tried to give him more of an outlet for his interest in this girl. Explain that she might like a picture drawn by him more than the other behaviors that he is taking part in. I used to explain to my students that kindness, manners and small handmade tokens of friendship were more appropriate than hugs etc. at school. It is very important that he learn this now while he is in preschool because it will be a much bigger issue once he is in public school. Trust me your son is not the first child to do this and he is most likely a sweet,caring boy who only needs to learn what the appropriate outlet is for his affection.