Seeking Advice on New Dad Situation

First, congratulations on the birth of your boys and congrats to your boyfriend for having such a wonderful quality of wanting to bond with the babies. So, to the nurses, I say: "Ah, poppycock!"

Sometimes even nurses don't know what they're talking about. :) Shoot, my husband got to hold our son before I got to!

My neighbor, who IS a maternity nurse says that babies need their daddy's as much as their mommy's...the mom is just the more important of the two as far as feeding is concerned if you are going to breastfeed.

If the nurses insist on giving you the babies, pass them right over to dad so they get the idea that YOU want them to bond with him...and premies need all the love and affection they can get!! :)

You are their mother, do what you think is best for them.

Hi A.,

Congrads on your new arrivals. I know this must be a very difficult time for the both of you. Often the Mother will blame herself for the early delivery, though it's usually not her fault. Twins, WOW. You have some work ahead of you.

I would strongly encourage you to look up "Kangaroo care" or "skin to skin contact." This is something I think both your b/f and you can participate together in. Obviously I don't know the size of the babies or the extent of medical problems but research says that babies learn to breath better and faster when held skin to skin. They also leave the hospital sooner. The really nice thing about skin to skin contact is anyone can do it. The other nice thing is.... 2 babies and two bodies to help them stay warm and content.

There are some excellent books on premies. Alot of the info I am giving you is due to my profession. I am a board certified lactation consultant. I don't know if you have chosen to pump your milk for the premies or plan to breastfeed when they come home. If this is not the case, then just use these books to help you feel more confortable about the NICU and everything that is happening with your premies. These books can help explain all the bells and wistles thta seem very scary in the hospital. I think by including the boyfriend it gives you more of a support system. I know this is a personal question but is your bf the father of the twins? Maybe if not, then the hospital may be just trying to protect his feelings. I personally do not care either way. Do not shun the fact that you have someone that is willing to suppport you emotionally and physically. This is not going to be a fun time. I also believe if he bonds with the children now, he will be more involved in thier life, hopefully for an eturnity. I applaude your boyfriend and I would encourage you to strongly thank the hospital staff for thier opinions but you do not agree. This is only the beginning of fighting for your childrens rights. You and hopefully your boyfreind will be strong advocates for the children. More than once have I had to say , I don't agree with your opinion. The nice part about it is..... it is only an opinion. I would ask for written research of not including the boyfriend to back up any allegations they are trying to support. Being a parent is the most rewarding gift I have been given. But it is also the hardest fight I have had to be in. I have 2 children. One of them have severe asthma, She was born 1 day early at 4# 10oz., She also has ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder. I have been thru the ringer with alot of Doctors and opinions. I will pray for you and your family for a quick recovery and to have the babies home as soon as possible. If you have any personal questions regarding breastfeeding, pumping or even premies, feel free to write me a personal message. If it is some thing I do not know, I will do my damdest to find out for you.

The books that I recommend are....

"The premature baby book" by William Sears, Robert Sears, James Sears and Martha Sears.

"Mothering multiples" by Karen Gromada

" Breastfeeding your premature baby" by Gwen Gotsch

Remember even if yu are not pumping or breastfeeding, do not let these books scare you. They are as much about premies and the NICU, as they are about breastfeeding. Its the understanding of the medical terms, medical lingo, and the bells that go off in the NICU. Education empowers people. Keep asking the questions, get everybodies opinion and then decide what you want to do with the info.

Good luck and GOD Bless all of you!

H. B.

Here is another thought. I have lots of experience with hospitals. They have rules and in some the RULES rule. They often try to be tactful to the point that you don't understand why they are saying or doing what they are saying or doing.

There is probably a rule that only family can visit in NICU. Do they question that he is the father? Is his name on the birth certificate?

Another thing that could be happening is that they see him as being inappropriate in his dress, grooming, way that he treats or talks with you and/or the babies, the staffor other parents. If there is tension when he's present they are not going to let him be involved.

These are just ideas. I don't know you or your boyfriend and so they may very well not apply but it might be helpful for you to have a talk with the head nurse and express your wish to have him involved and ask how that can be arranged.

Good luck! It's too bad to have this joyous but difficult time have even more stress.

My son was born 14 weeks early, 26 weeker... 1 lb 15.8 oz and only 14 1/2" long... he was in the NICU for 74 days and BOTH myself and his father were able to hold him on a daily basis with "kangaroo care". I was not able to hold him until he was 3 days old and that was only due to the fact that the incubator he was in was having problems and they had to change his bed, so, instead of having a nurse hold him, they let me... his respirations stabilized, his O2 levels went up, etc. From that day forward, both his father and I would get to hold him using the "kangaroo care" for as long as we wanted, unless of course he started having problems. I was even able to hold him while he had a blood transfusion. My son just turned 3 this past October and is doing wonderfully. Do not let the nurses tell you that it is more important for the mother than the father, YOU are the advocate for the babies, no one else. Do not let them tell you any different. I wish you all the best. From experience, I know that this time is tough for you, if you need to talk about your experience, please let me know. I would love to share our experience with you! CONGRATULATIONS on your children!

I know that babies have a sense of what makes them feel safe. They have been in your womb and know your smell, sounds of your body, sounds of your voice. BUT...if your b/f also talked to them while in your womb, they will know him too. It is important that the mother bond, but not any less important for the father to as well.

I would hope that these nurses were not keeping him from them. That would be criminal. He should not have to step back unless the babies showed some kind of adverse reaction to his presence, which I highly doubt. You should still interact with your babies a lot, but allow your b/f to have some special time too.

The nurses are only nurses. They care and are just trying to help those babies the best they can. But, you and the b/f are the ones that have the last say in the care of your children. Stick up for him and allow him to care for those babies now. You will regret it if he disconnects emotionally from them. It is very hard to reconnect when it is time to. Your b/f probably wants to protect those babies too! That is a GREAT QUALITY in a man!!!!! Don't take it for granted!

Congratulations and my prayers are with you and your little family! Merry Christmas!

I think it's important that he has some one on one time with them all by himself. He really needs to bond wiht them just as much as you. And the babies need him too. I'm sorry you are having to go through so much with having premies. Just make sure he is getting his time to. You dont want him to resent you or them later, if he doesn't get a chance to bond with them. Maybe letting him read a story or sing a special song daily alone or with you will help him to feel more needed.

Congratulations on your early arrivals! It is extremely important that you voice your wishes and needs to the staff of nurses. If it is within the rules and guidelines there is no reason for your boys not to be bonding with both your b/f and yourself. If they do not respect your wishes go above them and speak to the head nurse or manager. It is extremely important for both parents to bond with their children from birth. Have a wonderful holiday season!

Hi A.,

Your babies need to bond with their father as much as they do with you. I don't know why the nurses would say otherwise. Let their father spend as much time with them as you do, after all isn't he always going to be a part of their lives, shouldn't they know him too. In my experience sometimes hospitals and nurses push what they think is best. You need to do what feels right for you, your babies, and their father.

when my daughter was born my husband took really good care of her.. most of the time he fed her and changed her diaper.. and rocked her to sleep.. rocking them while u feed them is a really good way for him to bond with the babies.. my daughter just loves her daddy and they are bonded so well.. just let him in on alot of the care giving.. then eventually it will pay off.. it takes time :) good luck

My son (which is a twin himself) just had his first daughter born on Dec 15th. She is a 28 weeker, and will be in NICU for a long time. They are letting my son & dil both have time with my granddaughter. They both get to do the kangaroo holding with her now. In the nicu right now they have several sets of twins. When I visted last week, there was a couple with both holding a baby, feeding & changing. Maybe you can talk to the nicu and share with them how your husband is feeling.

Good luck & congrats on your new bundle of joys ! Teasure every minute, because they all grow up way to fast !

Congrats on the twins! I would first like to say that it is also important for a father to bond with their kids. (Especially boys). If you want help from the father in the future I would advise letting him spend time with the babies also. I understand that it must be difficult to do this all the time (since the babies are still in the hospital), but maybe schedule 1 or 2 days a week where he can go visit them. I would also like to say that it is very important for both parents to bond with their children.

the fathers are just as important!! My brother has twin girls, they were born 2.5 lbs 2 1/2 years ago. He has always been involved, feeding, putting them to bed, diaper changes. The girls won't even take a nap unless daddy puts them to bed. They are SO attached to him. Your husband needs to be involved, even if you are the one breastfeeding, he can do everything else, and give the babies to you to feed. Congrats, and good luck!

A., I think the nurses' advice is outdated. They should be happy that your boyfriend wants to be involved from the very beginning, especially with preemie babies. These are YOUR children--his and yours and the nurses' should be encouraging him to get involved. If they aren't you should ask for clarification from a supervisor--is this policy or just bad advice?

A father who feels truly bonded to his kids from the very beginning will be the biggest help to you--your kids will see him as someone they can turn to for nurturing and love and they'll be far less dependent on only mommy.

Don't be afraid to let the nurses know this!

Best of luck,
J.

congradulations on your new arrivals. I believe it very important for both of your babies to have a bond with their father. Don't allow the nurses keep him from the babies if you are able to hold your babies so should he. Have him talk to the babies, I mean not just baby talk, full conversations, believe it or not this works wonders with bonding. My husband has always talked up a storm to all our babies ever since they were born, and believe it or not sometimes I would get jealous on how much the babies adord him for it, we have 10 kids and my youngest was born on Oct 12, and whenever he even hears my husbands voice, his whole face lights up with joy. Goodluck.

When we were in the hospital our nurse said the exact opposite. Since I was breastfeeding she spoke to us about how my husband could bond with the baby since I had all that time with him when he was eating. She said that diaper changing time is great for eye-to-eye contact and for playing and that while the baby was still small enough my husband could take him in the shower with him to bathe (she was from New Zealand where this is a more common practice). My husband did that with our son and they loved it. It was a special time until my son got to big and wiggly and now bath time is daddy time and I just sit and watch. Your boyfirend just needs to decide what part of your babies life he wants to make his own.